What constitutes stalking?

[MikeTampa]

Here's a question that I thought I'd post to the board: What exactly do you believe constitutes stalking? I was at work yesterday and went to hang out on the fire escape with the smokers. I don't smoke, never have never will, but I like a lot of the people that do and just needed to get away from my desk. One of the girls out there said "how's your girl doin?" I explained (as in my post on here) that she's no longer talking to me, felt things were going to quickly and basically ran away. I then went RIGHT ON to talking about the new girl I went with to see James Bond last weekend.

The girl who posed the question said "you're an idiot, call her!" I said that there was no way I was going to call her, she had my number, she pulled back, it's her loss, not mine. The girl reiterated that "guys give up too quickly. If you like her, call her. She's probably wondering what you're doing". I said I wasn't going to call her for a number of reason, but one of those was also to not be labeled a "stalker". She said that was ridiculous and that I wouldn't be.

In my opinion, I would totally be labeled a stalker for calling her. Now, this conversations IS NOT ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT I SHOULD WRITE HER OFF. I have already decided to do so. I just wanted to get into the topic of how guys get labeled stalkers and why women throw that phrase around so easily. I thought about it a bit last night and I can't remember how many times I've heard girls at work, girls at bars, etc talk about how "oh, I dumped him, but then he went psycho and started stalking me". It's like they throw it around with such ease, as if they take themselves soo seriously that someone would stalk them as if they were a movie star.

So, my question is: do guys really behave like this? In your opinions, do guys tend to stalk women after they break up? Are there that many AFC guys out there that make chicks really believe they are being trailed and obsessed over?

 

[Franky Four Fingers]

Your talking about being viewed as a "stalker" from social standpoint.

Heres some of the legal descriptions of it that might help give you some perspective on what is and what isn't considered stalking from a legal standpoint;

http://www.privacyrights.org/fs/fs14-stk.htm

Maybe it will help with your "stalker" under a social standpoint.

 

[thedeparted]

chicks just like to flatter their egos. having a "stalker" ex makes them feel special. like a celebrity. and they got the upper hand. few of those "stalkers" are the real deal that police get involved with.

of course they will tell you to call her b/c they'd love to have the ego stroking of an ex begging for them back. I don't know of any cases where that works.

 

[MR_PERFECT]

Guilty!

Yes, I hate to admit it but I stalked. I would drive by her house in the middle of the night to see if she was telling the truth about being home... she wasn't. I did it more to convince myself not to care. Instead I was mad and hurt, but still cared. I hated her for it and that helped a little.

 

[window]

never listen to women for advice....

 

[Jitterbug]

It comes from their soap opera addiction. A girl must have some stalkers or players in her life to keep it exciting. If there's no real one, she can just make sh!t up with her imagination.

 

[azanon]

From the social standpoint, I think of stalking behavior as being associated with acting AFC based on oneitis issues. If you get rejected/turned down, you simply remove attention from said woman and go to the next one. I see different beautiful women all the time. It just makes no sense to keep going after just one of them that has rejected you. There's no DJ way of browbeating a woman into liking you.

 

[Sinistar]

It's both. Extreme AFC's will stalk (or worse). And women make it up to get attention. In my life I've experienced several cases of women doing this for attention. Both groups are not well suited for relationships (obviously).

There's an easy answer to the stalking thing. If it feels wrong it is wrong. I have no doubt that every guy who has done this has felt wrong about it (to some degree) but continued on because for some reason he needed direct facts or closure or whatever.

I suspect the main reason guys stalk is a combination of the ultimate fear of rejection combined with a woman's covert nature and not daring to blurt out the truth in fear of the guy's reprisal (think caveman & club days).

The chump somehow expects the woman to overtly reject him giving him all the juicy facts about who she left him for, what they are doing, etc. The woman obviously fears for her security (all forms) and just hopes the chump will go away. That leaves the factual, logical chump (with no other options) in the dark and brewing. There's your recipe for stalking. Don't be that guy.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Women with stalkers have typically just disappeared on the guy, and he is seeking some sort of closure. If she has stalkers, that means she tends to flake out and stop answering calls.

In my state, stalking is legally defined as your next visit after being told to go away. There is no threat required, even an implied one. If your girlfriend suddenly bursts into tears one night and blurts out that you should go away forever and slams the door in your face with no explanation, and then you show up at her work the next day - that visit is legally the crime of stalking. These laws get harsher all the time.

 

[Truman181]

Has anyone ever stalked a chic into coming back?

I've seen it happen before.

Alright, I'll call you out on that. Let's hear details.

 

[Truman181]

Women with stalkers have typically just disappeared on the guy, and he is seeking some sort of closure. If she has stalkers, that means she tends to flake out and stop answering calls.

That's interesting that you brought that up. I dated a woman, not long ago, who had a stalker(s). He would call her when we were together and she would say things like "That's my stalker calling. He just won't get the idea that I'm not interested".

Funny thing is how quickly I became the one calling, holding on, looking for closure and I'm sure that to her new guy, she said the same thing about me. I bet her 'old stalker' was just some poor chump that she strung along and turned on in a heart beat. That's what happened to me.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I should have realized from the beginning how she treats people. When she was into me - I could do no wrong. When she wasn't into me - I was just another stalker.

For me personally, if an ex calls, I will talk to them and be respectful. I still treat them like a human being.

Lesson learned: you can tell a lot about a girl from the way she treats her exes.

 

[Mr. Me]

What constitutes stalking?

I dunno, but let me think about it as long as I'm standing here in your driveway.

 

[darkstarrr]

This thread is interesting because I know that there are some women out there who are more prone to havign stalkers. Some of them enjoy the attention to a degree because it makes them feel important, which plays into the attention wh0re thing. Some of these women are like actresses in a relationship where they are fvcking you and over an extended period of time go on pretending like you are in a reltionship and that they care.. but really they have something wrong with them that they are really only in it for themselves. When their impulsive minds decide that it is time to fvck other people because it makes them feel good, they will either kick you to the curb suddenly, or seperate themselves from you by treating you progressively worse over time to the point where it can get abusive.

What can happen next is that you start walking on egg shells and giving up your power to them, which only makes the situation worse. You become so nice to them, and accomodating so they don't get mad at you, so they will be nice to you.

To make a long story short, they leave you. And you have haunting memories of how happy they were with you at times. You KNOW that she can be happy with you, and you crave for them back so you can prove it to them and yourself. In part this is to protect your own ego. Its like a defense mechanism.

I've gone down this path before and it is the most unpleasant and demented things I have ever experienced. You call.. you write.. you try to get friends and maybe even family to intervene. It sucks. We meet a woman, she is all into us, and boosts our egos because she always wants to hang out with us and hanging out with her makes her so happy! So we have a tendency to ignore red flags because it fels so good and they seem so genuine.

I have come to the conclusion that there are 2 types of stalkers. The type that is genuinely off kilt and down right scary (your true stalker) and the innocent type that has gotten into a helpless situation after having come from the heart with good intentions in trying have a normal successful relationship.

There is not too much that can be done sometimes to prevent type 2 from going down tht path. It seems to just be a part of life that these things can happen to the best of us.

The only thing I can say about this is that we have to be careful at all times not to sacrifice the respect and love we have for ourselves. If we are with someone and they start acting like a cvnt then to stand up for ourselves and not act like a pvssy. If you se red flags it is important to make comments like I don't care what you have done before but something like that is not acceptable with me. You have to keep a positive and confident attitude and have a circle of friends and potential other women in your life so that in the event that she does flake or start talking about space that you will be able to say OK.

I guess over time you will be able to develop a better sense of how the woman is so that you will be able to plan accordingly and better predict this type of $hit from happening.

 

[Knight's Cross]

Stalking: pretty much all states are the same on this one: When you tell someone that you do not want their attention, and they continue trying to contact, see, or interfere with your life to the point that you believe your personal safety is at risk.

Perfect example, today I was downtown seeing a friend and his girlfriend. I drove home and was getting off the interstate. My Ex BPD type was at the bottom of the offramp in her car in front of me. She turned and was headed in the direction of my house 8 miles away. When she realized that I was behind her, she switched lanes, and then turned into a parking lot for a strip mall. Now, could she have been going to a store at the strip mall? Highly unlikely. She lives right next to a large shopping mall, and there isn't anything special that would bring her 30 minutes out of her way to my side of town. Is she stalking? Maybe, I certainly had a bad feeling in my stomach when she was in front of me. I'm actually glad she saw me. Perhaps now she'll stay clear, knowing that I saw her driving out here.
Never underestimate crazy people. We all have a tendency to think that people are stable, or for the most part level headed. I learned the hard way that they can very much be completely normal in appearance, and under the surface are psychologically damaged.
Stalking is just wrong period. Some people rationalize it, however if you experience it, or are guilty of it you or they need help. It's a direct violation of a persons boundaries. When I've had chicks do it to me, they were disrespecting me. When I've thought about doing it, I've realized that if I don't trust someone enough that I'd drive by, just to see if they are where they say they are, etc. I realized at that moment that there was 0% trust. That relationship was over.

My 2 cents,

KC