What can I do right now?

[mfd1830]

I'm at the point where I've had so much rejection, and I've never had any success with girls to begin with, that I don't really even try anymore. The negative thoughts and negative behavior seems irreversible. So, I'd like to know what immediate actions I can take (not "soul searching", self-evaluation, etc.) but real action. I don't think real change can come from "inspirational" quotes or agreeing/disagreeing with ideas/arguments, but from action and not thinking as much as possible. Everything I've read on this site has made some kind of sense, even the stuff that contradicts other stuff, but I haven't been able to internalize it and get it to alter my negativity.

I'm in college, I work full time and I go out regularly. So I obviously have a million opportunities, I just don't know where to start and what to do.

 

[KontrollerX]

What negative behaviour would you say you do?

I don't ask about the thoughts part of your post because its probably stuff we've all thought negatively about ourselves at one time or another but yeah anyway I'm interested in the behaviour that you do that you think is negative.

 

[mfd1830]

Now that I think about it, I guess it's mostly just negative thinking. When I'm in the moment and talking to a girl, I think all things considered, I'm doing okay. The main problem is that they're never interested in taking it further and afterwards my mind spirals back into negativity.

 

[Jitterbug]

Now that I think about it, I guess it's mostly just negative thinking. When I'm in the moment and talking to a girl, I think all things considered, I'm doing okay. The main problem is that they're never interested in taking it further and afterwards my mind spirals back into negativity.

Did you try to take it further and get knocked back? Or are you waiting for them to take it further but they never do?

 

[mfd1830]

Did you try to take it further and get knocked back?

Yeah, that's literally happened every time I've talked to a girl and tried to take it further.

But now I don't even do that. I rarely even talk to girls and when I do, maybe 2% of the time I'll try to take it further and it won't work out. Usually I just talk to girls for conversation and I don't really have any expectations. I realize that's the "right" attitude in a way, but girls never want to have any conversation with me that's not surface level no matter how hard I try to make it more personal.

 

[Rumpelstiltskin]

Why do you think they reject you?

 

[mfd1830]

Why do you think they reject you?

I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out. My negative thinking mind will tell me it's because I'm ugly or unattractive. I don't really think that's the case, at least most of the time, although I do have better conversations with girls I'm not attracted to. I really have absolutely no idea though.

As for the other kind of "why?", I guess I perceive rejection as never being able to move beyond "surface level" conversation, as much as I might try sometimes. Or not being able to continue the conversation after a class ends or when the environment becomes too "free" and the girl really has to focus on me completely or not at all. I've noticed that the only times a girl will really talk to me is when there's a "reason" to. Otherwise I'm usually ignored or blown off.

 

[KontrollerX]

Define what you mean by "take it further".

Do you mean you ask them out on dates and they decline or you ask them personal stuff and they shut you down about that?

 

[mfd1830]

To me, at this point in my life, "take it further" means moving beyond conversation that's surface level; actually connecting with someone. I wouldn't have this kind of pointless conversation with some random guy, but I would have an interesting conversation with a random guy though. Surface level conversation gets very old and boring very quick no matter who it's with.

Every now and then, maybe a couple times a year, I will have an interesting conversation with a girl and if I'm attracted to her and I'm enjoying myself with her, I'll offer to continue it in some way; I've never had anyone take the offer though.

 

[Jitterbug]

To me, at this point in my life, "take it further" means moving beyond conversation that's surface level; actually connecting with someone. I wouldn't have this kind of pointless conversation with some random guy, but I would have an interesting conversation with a random guy though. Surface level conversation gets very old and boring very quick no matter who it's with.

Every now and then, maybe a couple times a year, I will have an interesting conversation with a girl and if I'm attracted to her and I'm enjoying myself with her, I'll offer to continue it in some way; I've never had anyone take the offer though.

Dude, you sound like a chick, or you have read too many chick novels and watched too many chick flicks. That sort of crap only happens in movies. Strangers don't want to go into a serious conversation with you. Gotta start small. You can have your deep & meaningful convo fix when you have that pillow talk after busting a nut on her tits. Btw women are very honest after good sex for some reason. I enjoy talking to them most then.

 

[mfd1830]

post a pic....People will give you a fair evaluation here, and what you could do better (they did for me).

I don't really want to go down that road. I am absolutely confident that for what I have (natural looks, body, clothes, etc.) I'm doing all I can with it. My mind goes to negative thoughts about my appearance all the time because I've failed so much while trying so many different things and being "ugly" is the only sensible excuse my mind can come up with (as much as I consciously know it's not true).

 

[mfd1830]

Dude, you sound like a chick, or you have read too many chick novels and watched too many chick flicks. That sort of crap only happens in movies. Strangers don't want to go into a serious conversation with you. Gotta start small. You can have your deep & meaningful convo fix when you have that pillow talk after busting a nut on her tits. Btw women are very honest after good sex for some reason. I enjoy talking to them most then.

That's not what I meant at all. Sorry for not being clear. Most of my conversations with girls are about the class we're in or whatever other thing is happening immediately around us. To me, a "meaningful" conversation is one where we start at the surface for a few minutes and then move into what she likes to do for fun, or what her interest are, or anything else where she is actually talking to me instead of basically talking to herself in front of me. Almost every time I've tried to go there, the conversation ends or fizzles out. Does that make more sense?

I don't mean talking about our deepest fears and desires, but merely reacting in specific ways to what the other person says. That's a meaningful conversation to me.

 

[stoner1129]

Just say something random, that usually works for me, well once the convo starts to fizzle out or right before it does to keep it going.

 

[splinterkb]

You know you think negatively and its a problem.. so just stop thinking negatively. Its pretty easy, but you need to train yourself to do it all the time, and eventually you will be more optomistic.

 

[mfd1830]

Just say something random, that usually works for me.

I used to do that when I first started college, but there was always nothing but weird looks or they would just ignore me completely. I stopped talking to girls after that unless I had something more sensible to say; something that I would say to a guy or someone who's attention I didn't really care that much about having. Should I start doing that again?

 

[splinterkb]

Sometimes its better to say nothing than to say something stupid and have her think you're an idiot. It also almost looks like you're desperate for her attention when you do that, which isn't very attractive.

 

[mfd1830]

You know you think negatively and its a problem.. so just stop thinking negatively. Its pretty easy, but you need to train yourself to do it all the time, and eventually you will be more optomistic.

But how? Specifically? Repeating positive thoughts and stuff like that never works for me because I always feel like I'm just trying to fool myself into a different mindset. I wasn't born thinking negative but grew into it because of the experiences I've had. Doesn't it make sense that only positive experiences can create positive thoughts and mindsets?

 

[mfd1830]

Sometimes its better to say nothing than to say something stupid and have her think you're an idiot. It also almost looks like you're desperate for her attention when you do that, which isn't very attractive.

I've always believed that in some way or another, but girls ignore me unless I attempt to start a conversation. I really think this is right, but how I can I do this while still making that first connection?

 

[ThePhantomOfTheForum]

Too late for prayers and useless pity!

You can choose to alter your preconcieved notions of this life.

It is up to you. Do you want to live a life of the commonplace man (fools!), or do you wish to live a life of wonder, of glory!

Start with that answer, before you seek any more...

 

[Jitterbug]

That's not what I meant at all. Sorry for not being clear. Most of my conversations with girls are about the class we're in or whatever other thing is happening immediately around us. To me, a "meaningful" conversation is one where we start at the surface for a few minutes and then move into what she likes to do for fun, or what her interest are, or anything else where she is actually talking to me instead of basically talking to herself in front of me. Almost every time I've tried to go there, the conversation ends or fizzles out. Does that make more sense?

I don't mean talking about our deepest fears and desires, but merely reacting in specific ways to what the other person says. That's a meaningful conversation to me.

Yep it makes more sense now. Well, your problem can be two-fold:

1: The girl needs to actually be interesting enough to have something cool to say. A lot of them don't. That's why many have "shopping", "party" and "have fun" on their list of hobbies.

2: You need to be interesting enough yourself to make them wanna share that with you. You need to lead first by sharing something about you while at the same time inviting them to contribute.

It takes a lot of practice. Best to post a real conversation you have with a girl here so people can give you better assessments, although it's not easy since what you say aren't matter so much as how you say it (& tonality, voice projection, speed, breaks, timing, posture, gestures).