What are the reasons good relationships end

[Pandora]

So i am currently in a lack luster relationship but i am thinking about jumping ship and dating a female friend. This is a close female "friend" (known for 2 yrs) who is 100% smitten with me. In my head i cant imagine a scenario in which it would not work. My question is to all the guys that have been in a great relationships initially what are some of the unforeseen challenges that ultimately leads them to end? I know alot of the posters have been in relationships in which the girl seemed so interested, compatible, stable emotionally and infatuated with them, only to have it end years down the road.

I am not talking about girls that are only moderately interested in you. Thats easy to predict the pitfalls of relationships with low to moderate interest girls. I am talking about chicks that have a dependent personality on you and you see no red flags and they are very interested.

I am partly asking this becuz one of the posters who gives great advice and i highly respect recently mentioned that he just broke up with his girl (Colossus, not to put you on the spot). He had previously described the relationship as great. Im thinking, dang, if great relationships end with guys that know the game, who am i to think any differently about mine.
With me i have always been in relationships in which the interest level was inequitable. Either they liked me way more than i like them or vice versa. But if its even, and infidelity is not an issue, what could possibly mess it up.

 

[blindnowisee]

My two cents based on my own experiences:

I think there's a multitude of reasons however they all seem to boil down to one major one:
- Your life becomes intertwined with her life i.e. you share the same interests, hobbies, friends and passtimes. If and when you allow this to happen you will slip into -what we people here call- 'beta' behaviour as you've made your happiness dependent on your gf.

Eventually she will start to lose interest as you started out a great catch but slowly slid down the slope of attractiveness. Women will always get attention from men however if she's happy in the relationship she will always ignore/deflect it. Once you've started to slide down the slope she will be more engaging in attention from other men (what people here have dubbed 'hypergamy')..

It's a simple concept really.. it all boils down to the old adage of creating a life for yourself that you love. Your week is filled with activities you love to do, hobbies you're passionate about and work that fulfills your desires. Then and only then should you invite a woman into your world. You'll blow her away because your world is an awesome place to be and if she's not blown away.. you just eject her again as your week is already filled with all the stuff you wanted to do anyway.

We get too hung-up on the whole 'women have the power' blablabla.. I think it's all bollocks.. You just need to sort out your own life, get your priorities straight, set yourself some goals and create your own world. Women will always be attracted by that. Forget PUA / Don Juan stuff - start creating your own world.

Time is the most valuable thing in your life - not pvssy, not PUA, not negging, not <insert any other BS keyword here>.. You are here for 1 lifetime and 1 lifetime only so why not spend your time with all the things you wanted to do.. why waste your time trying to impress some pvssy.. View it differently - you're the man.. you're a creator of worlds.. you have the power to invite women into your life..

I'll end this with an excerpt from one of my favorite poems:

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

As you may have noticed.. there is no mention of women in that excerpt.

 

[PeakIV]

great post.....blindnow

 

[Demodulate]

what blindnowisee described happened to me.. met a girl who I was super into, and who seemed super into me initially, 6 months later it was over, after a back injury my life just got boring and routine.. started spending more time with her, and the next thing I knew it was over.

 

[gradhodude]

I think this is why relationships are tough. It's impossible to know if you will always want the same things. You will always talk it up at the beginning saying yes I want that and this...but in reality 10-12 months later you might change your mind. My last relationship she was older when i met her 39 and I was 35. I knew she wanted kids/marriage but I was very honest and upfront I would need time and she was really cool about it saying she was in no hurry. Things were great for awhile but then her friends would start planting things in her head. On her 40th birthday I bought her a dress to wear and take her out. Her friends were saying I was going to propose. I mean..6 months into the relationship? Really? There are so many factors and I envy my friends/family that have been married for over 10 years. Really takes work.

I also disagree with the woman having all the power. I believe that woman have the power upfront, or until the relationship gets serious. Then boom they are smitten and you gain all of the power.

 

[Fatal Jay]

I have been in a lot of relationships. My only good one though, was with this gorgeous girl that lived 4 hours away from me, I mean me and her clicked so well, but the thing that destroyed us was the distance, and none of us was willing to move for the other, or financially really to make that big step. I just charge it to the game, if that right chick comes in my life I will take advantage, If not, no biggie either.

 

[Fatal Jay]

^
wow I totally agree, having a routine is like being married, and thats way too soon to be doing that lol.

 

[Boilermaker]

Women are adapters, followers, supporters, nurturers.

You are asking the wrong question. What you should answer is, what do -you- want out of a relationship?

Exclusivity? Intimacy? Emotions? Fvck buddy? Marriage?

It's about what you want. Because you are supposed to set the course of things. Then, if things go wrong, things go wrong. You adapt to the new situation.

 

[Pandora]

Great responses, even if they are depressing. Hypothetically, do you guys think dating a very close female friend that you have seen at their worst is a good idea. Or do you run into the same traps as a regular relationship.

Theoretically if u can convert a close female friend into a gf (rare but it does happen) then you already know her annoying habits. You also know that she is compatible with your lifestyle. Some girls have told me that even if they have known a guy well for years and then start dating them, they still switch up their good behavior into insecure sh** tests. They say that they are just better friends than gf's. I guess when u place the label of relationship on it everyone worst (insecure) and best sides come out to ruin the relationship that was good when you were "friends".
But in theory at least best friends first seems to solve this problem. But thats prob not how it works out in real life.

 

[BMX]

The combination of long-distance and being cheated on. Happened twice. To each his own.

 

[sodbuster]

IF you are married, when your wife starts hanging around a bunch of divorced women... you're next. start planning an exit. happened to 2 friends of mine. In my case, it was letting the little things slide instead of fighting. SHE started thinking she was actually running the show...when I called her on it and pulled her up short. Well, she forgot that I was a MAN,not a boy and we were divorced because she expected me to APOLOGIZE for telling her to shape the he11 up

 

[The Duke]

My question is to all the guys that have been in a great relationships initially what are some of the unforeseen challenges that ultimately leads them to end?

-Continuing to make the relationship a priority by not putting too much into one's individual priorities(hobbies, careers, etc) has always been difficult for me. Its easy for a long term couple to drift apart and each do your own thing losing site of the relationship, especially with two independent personalities.

-Women that constantly require "game" to keep their interest. I had one I really liked but as soon as I started falling for her I lost some of my ability to remain a challenge and it was the beginning of the end. I learned that women that require large amounts of "game" are a waste of time and should never be considered for long term commitment. No man can survive it in the long run.

-One thing that comes up in my current ltr is my gf lives with me and drives almost an hour to work every day. In the beginning she was ok with it but it wears on her. She has always been one of these people that lived within 10-15min of her work. I should have known better and not allowed her to move in based on that fact! Sometimes women just don't know whats best for them. She definitely holds some resentment because of the drive although it was totally her choice. It takes a toll on our relationship. If I had to do it over again, I would find somebody closer. Just makes the drive/living arrangements simpler. For a while we were going back and forth in between houses and that sucked.

 

[The Duke]

My two cents based on my own experiences:

I think there's a multitude of reasons however they all seem to boil down to one major one:
- Your life becomes intertwined with her life i.e. you share the same interests, hobbies, friends and passtimes. If and when you allow this to happen you will slip into -what we people here call- 'beta' behaviour as you've made your happiness dependent on your gf.

Eventually she will start to lose interest as you started out a great catch but slowly slid down the slope of attractiveness. Women will always get attention from men however if she's happy in the relationship she will always ignore/deflect it. Once you've started to slide down the slope she will be more engaging in attention from other men (what people here have dubbed 'hypergamy')..

It's a simple concept really.. it all boils down to the old adage of creating a life for yourself that you love. Your week is filled with activities you love to do, hobbies you're passionate about and work that fulfills your desires. Then and only then should you invite a woman into your world. You'll blow her away because your world is an awesome place to be and if she's not blown away.. you just eject her again as your week is already filled with all the stuff you wanted to do anyway.

We get too hung-up on the whole 'women have the power' blablabla.. I think it's all bollocks.. You just need to sort out your own life, get your priorities straight, set yourself some goals and create your own world. Women will always be attracted by that. Forget PUA / Don Juan stuff - start creating your own world.

Time is the most valuable thing in your life - not pvssy, not PUA, not negging, not <insert any other BS keyword here>.. You are here for 1 lifetime and 1 lifetime only so why not spend your time with all the things you wanted to do.. why waste your time trying to impress some pvssy.. View it differently - you're the man.. you're a creator of worlds.. you have the power to invite women into your life..

I'll end this with an excerpt from one of my favorite poems:

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

As you may have noticed.. there is no mention of women in that excerpt.

You are exactly right on this, but I'd like to add something........once you accomplish everything you have set out to do and create this "awesome life" that women flock to, understand that any successful fulfilling relationship should be intertwined. No woman will be happy if its all about you although she was attracted to what you created during your life when it was all about you.

I"m just saying there is more to it than what you mentioned. What you said is great for creating attraction, but it doesn't do much to maintain a relationship. There's a second part to it!

 

[Bible_Belt]

Looking back on every relationship I ever had, with each one I think it was over the moment I stopped resembling her father.

 

[Colossus]

My question is to all the guys that have been in a great relationships initially what are some of the unforeseen challenges that ultimately leads them to end? I know alot of the posters have been in relationships in which the girl seemed so interested, compatible, stable emotionally and infatuated with them, only to have it end years down the road.

That was my last LTR to the letter. We had a fantastic start---the first 3-4 months could not have been better. Great physical chemistry, similar life preferences, hobbies, and personalities. Not even an awkward moment.

Problems started to crop up when we took our first big vacation, like 4 months in. Over the course of the next year, we gradually fought more and more, and our good times were fewer and farther in between. Like all breakups it was multifactorial, but there were a few key issues that just kept cycling over and over and over:

-I have a tendency to be self-centered at times. This really bothered her, understandably, and she would nag and chastise me about it constantly. This led, of course, to me wanting to be around her LESS, and becoming MORE self-focused, and on and on it went.

-Sense of humor. She was VERY sarcastic, and could not really accommodate other types of humor. She would tend to be condescending if she didnt think something was funny.

-Family background. She was an only child (ironically self-centered by nature) from a very emotionally closed family. I come from a somewhat larger, very emotionally OPEN family, and I had to learn to solve problems growing up by being accountable. She never was forced to be accountable for her actions, and carried this into adulthood.

-Communication styles. This is really all of the above rolled into one, and also happens to be the #1 problem in any relationship, in my observation. It boiled down to this: Her constitutional inability to be accountable for her behavior. Even AFTER I would apologize and show contrition for my actions, it always came back to ME, and how I was making her feel/act a certain way. This led to me breaking up with her.



To be honest I stayed with her longer than I should have, well after the spark was gone for me, just based on the first few months. These are the take-homes I distilled from everything:

1. Once a woman has reached ~30, she is who she is. Dont count on her changing, least of which for you.

2. The first 3 months have limited positive predictive value. You are only representatives of yourselves during this time.

3. Pay attention to a girl's mother and how she deals with problems. Chances are the girl isnt far behind.

4. Everyone has baggage. More so if they were married.

5. Be wary of a girl who ascribes a past relationship failing entirely to the guy. You are next.

6. As a man, you have to draw the line at being TOO self-focused. There is a difference between being a leader and just being plain selfish.



That was lengthy but I hope it helps. Like I said, all LTRs are different and there are multiple factors to consider. Just learn something from each one, and dont make the same mistake twice!!!

 

[zekko]

We're talking about "good" relationships here, so I assume most of these will last a fairly long time. I think the fact is most relationships have a shelf life. There is a thing referred to as the "seven year itch".

I think it's too simplistic to say the guy turned AFC, and that's what doomed the relationship. I think no matter how "alpha" a guy is, at some point the novelty will wear off, and the girl won't be so excited by him. Like if a guy marries a supermodel, at some point after banging the same body year after year, some of the passion is going to drain out.

At this point, people (and women especially) are going to be more susceptible to the excitement of the possibility of a new relationship. They may develop a crush on a new person, have an affair, or branch swing to another guy. That's how I think most "good" relationships end.

Keeping yourself fresh and learning new things may not help either. I've seen studies that show that people are more likely to have an affair when they enter a new environment or situation. The excitement of the change leads to new possibilities being considered, and an affair may occur.

 

[Pandora]

Cool, very interesting replies thanks

 

[glass half full]

In my experience, it has usually been ended with influence from her "friends". And they listen to their friends more than us, so if her friends decide you leave something to be desired, they are always willing to help her hook up with someone else.

 

[sageproduct]

My best friend just got out of a 1.5 year relationship. From what I know, she's a really, really good girl who treated him nicely. Good relationship, never fought. They're both people who really have their sh!t together - future goals and ambitions first, priorities set. But despite that it was easy to see that they really loved each other.

It ended when they had a serious talk and both realized there was no way they'd stay together after college because they'd both be off chasing different dreams in different places. Even though they still have another year and half of college left, they decided to stop now.

 

[corrector]

With me i have always been in relationships in which the interest level was inequitable. Either they liked me way more than i like them or vice versa. But if its even, and infidelity is not an issue, what could possibly mess it up.

Well, if you make a marriage proposal with a girl that is really into you and then change your mind afterwards because you did research on her and think she's a fraud based on her past (i.e. rather than how she performed when dating you) then I think this could nuke a good relationship. But then again, you can't lead a girl on if you don't really intend to marry her. Rock and hard place.