What are the odds I'll meet "the one"?

[Stavrogin]

I was just curious if anyone else felt that the supply of attractive single women seems to be rapidly diminishing. As I get older (I'm 28), it seems like every minimally attractive woman in my age group is either married or has a boyfriend. I'm getting incredibly frustrated.

I didn't go back to school with the purpose of meeting a girl. However, from having read so much about how women now outnumber men on campus and how these career-oriented women tend to defer relationships until after they've entered the workforce, I thought it was possible, if not likely, I would meet a girl.

To my surprise, school has been the WORST of all places to meet someone. I'm dead serious when I say there are no attractive single girls in my classes. I 've observed every girl in my classes who I'm attracted to and have eavesdropped on their conversations numerous times. So I'm confident I'm not jumping to conclusions.

I'm really worried I won't meet anyone. It seems like the only women who are single in their 30s are either ugly, divorced with kids, or just too dysfunctional to be in a lasting relationship. I can't help but think my best bet is that the divorce rate will continue to climb so that my odds of finding someone will only increase as I get older. But that seems like wishful thinking.

I know there are "meat markets" out there where single girls abound. But I'm looking for someone smart, educated, and unmaterialistic. In addition, she has to be willing to overlook the fact that I'm a virgin and have never been in a relationship. I don't think I'm likely to meet such a girl in a dive bar; most of those girls are shallow bimbos. I confess I've tried a certain well-known web site. In one week, I got over 70 matches. Unfortunately, the handful who bothered posting pictures were BUTT-UGLY.

At the risk of being called a wuss, I would really like to meet a girl who I'm crazy about. I've seen too many guys end up with women they don't seem to care for. It seems they're with these women because they're afraid of ending up alone. I absolutely refuse to settle for anyone who I don't love; I'd rather be alone the rest of my life. But what are the odds I will meet "the one" at this stage?

 

[joekerr31]

ok, i want to win 10 million dollars. i mean, not 100,000. not 1 million. not 5 million. 10 million dollars.

tell me how to win the lottery. it seems like there's just no winning lottery tickets out there. or they've all been snatched up, because i never win.

ok, im being silly, but not really. imagine if you had a friend who obsessed over winning 10 million dollars. you'd slap him in the face and say 'look, if you win, you win. if you don't, you don't. but put this sh*t in perspective and get on with your life. buy your ticket like the rest of us and get on with your day."


see, there are TONS of women in the world, but you're looking for the ONE. and hey, there's nothing wrong with wanted to find the ONE. just like there is nothing wrong with wanting to win the lottery. but you still gotta get on with life.

you may never find the ONE. and guess what, that will be perfectly ok - if you make it be ok. there is so much more to life than some woman.

there are TONS of highly successful men in the world who if you saw their wives you pass out instantly from all the blood rushing to your d*ck. and you know what? a lot of them hardly spend any time wiht those amazingly hot wives. you know why? because they love their job, or mountain climbing, or sail boating, or the tennis club, or golf more than they love hanging out with their ONE. doesn't mean they don't enjoy their wife, but they LOVE other things also.

so you might want to win 10 million dollars, but just remember, you don't have to wait to enjoy your life until you have 10 million dollars. Forget about the ONE - assume that you may never ever meet her - NOW you are ready to live. Now you are taking personal responsiblity for your life and your own happiness.

do that and you'll end up EARNING 10 million bucks and won't need to win the lottery. Do that and you'll become so interesting as a person that you won't have to worry about finding women, they'll find you.

there are millions of guys who thought they found 'the one', only to find out in 15 years they married a devil with t*ts.

LIVE your life man - its just as fun without the ONE as it is with the ONE - and if you don't believe that is possible then you're doomed to sit there pissing your days away waiting for that lotto ticket to win.

 

[Bible_Belt]

school has been the WORST of all places to meet someone. I'm dead serious when I say there are no attractive single girls in my classes.

I'm surprised. Are you studying math or computers? Or do you just have very high standards? Take an art or social work class, and there will be chicks galore. And date younger women. If you are 28, you should be dating women about 22-24 years old.

 

[WaterTiger]

What are the odds that you'll meet the one girl on the planet that is perfect for you? Let's see...the population of the Earth is around 7 billion...and you're looking for one...7billion to one! Yeah! That's the odds.

There is no such thing as a soul mate. Looking for one is like looking for unicorns in Central Park. Finding a pretty girl with brains, manners and ethics is hard enough! If you keep with the "soul mate" and "The One" foolishness you'll go nuts.

 

[Silkandsteel]

There are numerous women that YOU personally will find with enough qualities to be considered "the one", after all, "the one" is just a perception of things you personally want anyway. Prize yourself, be confident and actively select women that meet YOUR standards and go for it. There will be some about, you just have to make sure you're meeting new people and seeking these ones out. Who knows, you may even find someone who redefines the qualities you're looking for you. Important factor is: you MUST be happy without them, needing a woman to be happy in yourself is a road to doom. They are naturally insecure anyway, so you prizing them higher than yourself leads to ruin.

 

[realsmoothie]

School is a fricking gold mine, man. Milk it, because it won't last forever.

I swear it's part of the reason I've been in university in one way or another since '92... and am hoping to be a professor.

As for the availablity of the "one"... yeesh... there are three billion pussies out there. I'm sure there's more than one for ya!

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

The first, best thing you can do is to disabuse yourself of this "ONE for me" nonsense idealization. This will be the best favor you'll ever do for yourself.

There is no ONE. This is the soulmate myth. There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Anyone telling you anything different is selling you something. There are LOTS of 'special someone’s out there for you, just ask the divorced/widowed person who's remarried after their soulmate has died or moved on.

Stop trying to find the ONE out there for you. You are only chasing after an idealization. I about puke everytime I hear the mealy-mouthed voice of that Focus on the Family "Doctor" on the eHarmony commercials playing on stupid women's (and too many men's) fears of never finding security by advertising that they'll find your soul-mate with their 40 question pop-psychology, personality test. Blecgh,..!

There has never been a more damaging mass-psychosis in the history of humanity than the personal limitations and retardation in maturity that is self-inflicted from people swallowing this soul-mate garbage. But then again I guess no one would get paid to write sappy pop-love songs, produce 'romantic comedies', or write self-help books if people could see through myths like this.

This is what trips people up about the soul-mate myth, it is this fantasy that we all at least in some way share an idealization of; that there is ONE perfect mate for each of us and as soon as the planets align and fate takes it's course we'll know that we're 'intended' for each other. And while this may sell a lot of romance novels it's hardly a realistic way to plan your life. I've been married for 10 years and I love my wife dearly, but I know damn well were I to die that she'd marry another suitable guy a few years later if not sooner. I had a friend commit suicide after 2 kids and 20 years of marriage, because he thought exactly like this, she was the ONE and he (literally) couldn't go on without her and she even bought this for the first 17 or so years. This woman started dating a millionaire 3 months after he was buried and married this guy a year later and you know what she tells my wife to this day? “He's the ONE”. So, you can sing songs about her (or him) and how you are each other's sun and moon, but in the harsh daylight of reality, we all do exactly what our conditions demand from us.

Too many guys think they need to be snipers, patiently focusing in on one particular woman and expending all their time and effort on that one target, when in fact what they really need is a shotgun. Scatter more effort over a broader area and pick out the ones that may be good Ones. Spin more plates, the soulmate myth is ultimately self-delusion and self-defeating.

 

[squirrels]

If she's not married, or at least engaged, she's single.

In a generation where being single is a sin, every girl has a boyfriend, even if he's just a token. A boyfriend is a great way to screen out lesser men. But let her bring him up...otherwise he's none of your business.

Don't worry...the market busts wide open later when they all grow up and realize they don't really want to be in their marriages and get divorced. Either that or you can start dating college girls again. I'mma be looking for a 22 year old when I'm in my early 30s.

As for "the one"...well Rollo covered that. "The One" is a self-limiting notion. There's no one person you're destined or "supposed to" be with. The best you can hope for with such an attitude is codependence if you find her, despair if you don't.

 

[Desdinova]

But what are the odds I will meet "the one" at this stage?

About three billion to one. If you need me to expand on that one, read Rollo's post.

You're 28, you're a virgin, and it sounds like you're saving yourself for a fantasy woman.

it seems like every minimally attractive woman in my age group is either married or has a boyfriend. I'm getting incredibly frustrated.

There's four things that could be wrong here:

1) You're not looking in the right places
2) You're not looking hard enough
3) You're taking rejection too personally
4) You're getting rejected because you're not interesting to women

There are LOTS of single women out there. Once you tap into the vast amount of single women out there, then you won't be complaining about not enough single women.

Also, you're limiting yourself if you're looking in your age group only. Look for women between the ages of 18 to 30. Also, quit wanting to jump into a relationship. Go out and DATE. Date for the sole purpose of having fun instead of trying to find the proverbial "soul mate". The more you date, the more likely you're going to come across an ideal woman to have a LTR with. Also, if you become good at dating, you'll be able to land that ideal woman when you come across her.

I know there are "meat markets" out there where single girls abound. But I'm looking for someone smart, educated, and unmaterialistic. In addition, she has to be willing to overlook the fact that I'm a virgin and have never been in a relationship.

This is what's working against you. You're single and a virgin because you're looking for this "dream girl" that you've created in your mind. You have absolutely no clue what you want in a woman because you lack dating experience. All women can be dumb and materialistic. Many times, they'll adapt to the man that they're dating. A man can either bring out the best in a woman, or he can bring out the worst.

When your dream girl starts demanding and guilt tripping you to buy her things, how the hell are you going to do that? All women give 5hit tests to their men. How the men score on the 5hit tests determine how much respect she'll have for him. If you don't have any experience dealing with 5hit tests, you're going to fail when that ideal woman comes along.

Quit focussing on achieving this Disney-produced fantasy relationship and start dating women for the sole purpose of having fun. And don't focus all your energy on one woman, date two or three at a time. Getting lots of experience under your belt will better prepare you for a LTR than the bull5hit that society has fed you.

 

[Latinoman]

Available women is ANY woman that either

1- does not have a husband
2- does not have a fiance
3- does not live with a man that she has sex with

If she has a "boyfriend" and he is not a fiance or lives with her...then in my eyes...she is more than available.

I would say there much more available women out there than "great men". This is a generation of wimps and AFCs...so, the few DJs out there have it made.

 

[Latinoman]

The chances of a 28-year-old man that is a virgin meeting and managing to stay in a relationship with a hot/professional/educated woman are very slims. Those kind of women look for some things in a man. And one of those things are sex.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Print a retraction please. LOL

Good post Desdinova.


Oh, and Rollo Tomassi, I've been meaning to point out that whenever you post this quote:

I about puke everytime I hear the mealy-mouthed voice of that Focus on the Family "Doctor" on the eHarmony commercials playing on stupid women's (and too many men's) fears of never finding security by advertising that they'll find your soul-mate with their 40 question pop-psychology, personality test. Blecgh,..!

It's actually incorrect. I forget exactly who THAT doctor is, but he's not the FOCUS ON THE FAMILY doctor. The Focus on the Family doctor's name is Dr. James Dobson. He's actually a fundamentalist, evangelical guy who is IRONICALLY very Don Juan in his viewpoints on men and women in relationships.

Dr. James Dobson wrote the book that introduced me to the whole concept of how important it is to have masculinity, self-confidence, and self-respect when it comes to dealing with women.

The title of the book is called LOVE MUST BE TOUGH. It gives some pretty thought-provoking insights into the male/female relationship dynamic. I highly recommend that YOU in particular check it. Behavioral science IS your thing isn't it? Check out the book OR the tape series.

I think you'll really get a kick out of just HOW DIFFERENT the real focus on the family doctor's views on relationships are as opposed to that guy on the Eharmony commercials.


March on.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Sorry VICTORY, not to be contradictory, but I've become the consumate statistician with this stuff since working on my book.

Dr. Neil Clark Warren

An evangelical Christian, Dr. Warren attributes much of eHarmony's initial success to its promotion on the daily radio broadcast of Focus on the Family. eHarmony has recently parted ways with Focus on the Family in an effort to widen its market share and appeal.

Gold star for me?

 

[edger]

All women give 5hit tests to their men. How the men score on the 5hit tests determine how much respect she'll have for him. If you don't have any experience dealing with 5hit tests, you're going to fail when that ideal woman comes along.

How can a woman be "ideal" if she is going to purposely put a man through a sh*t test? I understand she may be curious to see how much of a man with backbone he is, but it still doesn't call for going to the extent of putting a guy through a sh*t test. Why put a guy through all that aggravation and stress? It's wrong. It only gives the guy a bad/negative impression of the girl. And if a guy and a girl are both in a relationship, it only makes way for an "unhealthy" relationship. Any woman who will put a man through a sh*t test, is NOT an ideal woman. Think about that. Someone who is "ideal" and genuinely cares about you, isn't going to want to harm you.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Hey Rollo,


Good catch. Yeah, I've heard the name doctor warren bandied about on some of the older focus on the family shows. Didn't know that guy on the commercial was HIM.

Probably because the only guy I usually associate with focus on the family is the regular host and founder: Dr. James Dobson.

That being said. Thanks for the update. But the info I shared on the book written by the head guy and founder Dr. Dobson I still highly recommend though.

I first read it back in the 90's long before I discovered the community or wrote my own books.

And again, you'd be surprised at how "Ballsy" some of his relationship, tough love stuff comes off.

That is...UNLESS you haven't ALREADY read it. LOL



Peace my brother.

 

[Desdinova]

How can a woman be "ideal" if she is going to purposely put a man through a sh*t test?

Well, show me a woman who doesn't use 5hit tests. Also, she cannot be inflatable, nor be of a different species.

This question is much like asking to find a human who doesn't have a skull. It's part of the human body, much like 5hit tests are part of a woman's personality.

Why put a guy through all that aggravation and stress? It's wrong.

It's not aggrivating and stressful if a man knows how to deal with the 5hit tests. She'll react to the action of the man. If the man stands up for himself, she'll know where she can and can't step. If the man gives up his self-respect, she'll walk all over him.

And if a guy and a girl are both in a relationship, it only makes way for an "unhealthy" relationship.

Unhealthy relationships consist of a lot more than 5hit tests. They consist of unresolved problems that have been left to long and have caused bigger problems.

A 5hit test is like the woman asking her man "Are you (still) attractive?"

Someone who is "ideal" and genuinely cares about you, isn't going to want to harm you.

Women don't see it as harming a man, and most of the time men don't see it as harm either. If a woman asks her bf to buy a $600 necklace and he does it, nobody is harmed. She may lose respect for him because he gave up his rent money for her material wants, but that doesn't equal harm.

 

[edger]

Well, show me a woman who doesn't use 5hit tests. Also, she cannot be inflatable, nor be of a different species.

This question is much like asking to find a human who doesn't have a skull. It's part of the human body, much like 5hit tests are part of a woman's personality.

Yea, they might be part of a woman's personality, but does it still make it right? You can't justify a sh*t test because "it's part of a woman's personality". What's right is right, what's wrong is wrong. Anyone who is going to purposely go out of their way to put you through a "sh*t" test is showing a lack of respect for you. A sh*t test is obviously called a "sh*t test" for a reason; because it's sh*t, it's a sh*tty thing to do. So based on what I'm saying, if it's part of a woman's personality to sh*t test a man, then basically what it all comes down to is that women are callous creatures by nature if you think about it.

It's not aggrivating and stressful if a man knows how to deal with the 5hit tests. She'll react to the action of the man. If the man stands up for himself, she'll know where she can and can't step. If the man gives up his self-respect, she'll walk all over him.

Just because a man can deal well with it doesn't mean it can't aggravate and cause him stress. Sure, you can be a great mechanic, know all the in's and out's of an automobile, know how to deal with it in every possible way, but at the same time hate doing your job. A sh*t test will even aggrivate and bring stress upon the best players. What man actually enjoy's being tested by a woman in a condescending, negative way? If a man isn't bothered or doesn't get aggravated by a sh*t test, then something's wrong with him.

Unhealthy relationships consist of a lot more than 5hit tests. They consist of unresolved problems that have been left to long and have caused bigger problems.

Yes, but they still contribute to an unhealthy relationship because of the point I made above.

Women don't see it as harming a man, and most of the time men don't see it as harm either. If a woman asks her bf to buy a $600 necklace and he does it, nobody is harmed. She may lose respect for him because he gave up his rent money for her material wants, but that doesn't equal harm.

I see what you're saying with that example, but she's still harming him because she's TESTING him. There's really no harm in the act itself(asking him to buy her a $600 necklace), it's rather the mere fact that she's TESTING that's causing the harm. I bet if she told him she was testing him, he'd be pissed. She shouldn't be testing him. But anyway, when I talk about a sh*t test that's harmful, I'm talking about something more drastic, like f*cking with his head, starting an argument, flirting with/hitting on some dude, etc.

 

[sparky0000]

If you are 28, you should be dating women about 22-24 years old.

uh, if that was the case i wouldn't be here. when my father was 28 my mother was 4. i am glad you don't make the rules for some people. why must every damn american/uk dude constantly talk about age?

 

[kyphan]

I see what you're saying with that example, but she's still harming him because she's TESTING him. There's really no harm in the act itself(asking him to buy her a $600 necklace), it's rather the mere fact that she's TESTING that's causing the harm. I bet if she told him she was testing him, he'd be pissed. She shouldn't be testing him. But anyway, when I talk about a sh*t test that's harmful, I'm talking about something more drastic, like f*cking with his head, starting an argument, flirting with/hitting on some dude, etc.

If you are hurt in any way by a woman asking for things like that then maybe you should crawl back into the hole in the ground you came from. All she's doing is testing you! I do this type of stuff to people all the time to see what I can get away with. I ask my bosses for larger bonuses after they've been established, I try to get my friends to do little annoying things I can't be bothered with - and I definitely try to get women to buy ME things. Suck it up!

 

[Desdinova]

Anyone who is going to purposely go out of their way to put you through a "sh*t" test is showing a lack of respect for you.

Okay, let me put it a different way. One of my own personal "5hit tests" for women is to ask them if they have kids. If she has kids, I don't date her. Now, am I showing disrespect if I ask her if she has children?

Just because a man can deal well with it doesn't mean it can't aggravate and cause him stress. Sure, you can be a great mechanic, know all the in's and out's of an automobile, know how to deal with it in every possible way, but at the same time hate doing your job.

That's the difference between you and me. I love my job as a mechanic. I can appreciate why a woman will give me 5hit tests. All she's doing is making sure I'm still the "great catch". You're the one who doesn't like your job as a mechanic, and 5hit tests are just another pain in the ass for you to deal with.

If a man isn't bothered or doesn't get aggravated by a sh*t test, then something's wrong with him.

It has come to a point where I pass 5hit tests automatically. When you have true self-respect and confidence, 5hit tests don't even phase you. You'll automatically pass them without realizing it.