We made out, what now?

[bornyesterday]

I just recently had this thing for the first time with a girl I know for a couple of years now. We kissed and made out.
I'm wondering now what to do. I have 3 questions I think The issues are that I'm not sure what I want with her, how to find out what I want with her or how to preceed the interaction.

The story behind the three issues are like this.

She is an ex-roommate of mine. It didn't go well at the start as we are two completly different people but gradually we became more or less friends. She went to Austrailia for a year and the ties we had were cut. If we saw eachother after she came back we said hi and went our ways. But there was always some sexual tension though. And that was 'consumed' 2 days ago at a party.
Now she is this physical, energetic, jumpy, erotic being and I am an introverted cerebral, slow and quiet but proud kind of guy. She communicates directly to the man inside of me somehow. I like her for being such a physical being and she likes me, at least in part I suspect, because of my intelligence. In that way she looks up to me.
Another thing is that she and a mate of mine have been in an instable but passionate relationship off and on for more then 2 years now. I don't have any scruples towards him as he is the biggest manwh0re (women naturally flock to him) in town and we arent close friends, but we do have many common friends and mates.

Another issue is that I have been depressed for a long time (I'm not anymore and working hard to overcome it) and that I live a lot in my head, not in my body. As a consequence I have a hard time understanding and feeling my emotions. I have not been in love since I deeply fell in love and out of grace when I was 17 or 18. My heart and love for women were broken. I have had a girlfriend but never been able to be in love with anyone and often times had difficulty feeling love at all. I still have trouble to let some of these emotions get in. Hence that I'm not able to understand exacytl what I want from girls in general and from this girl in particular. I recognize a sexual urge but sometimes I wonder what to do with the rest of the girl besides her body (it sounds horrible but thats how it feels). How do i recognize what I want from a girl?

The third part of my question concerns how to proceed with a woman/girl I like. The previous thing I had was with this classy lady but somehow I messed up I think. I was too busy guarding my emotions, scared of being rejected, so I might have been to stand-offish. Generally I don't have an AFC issue with women I interract with, only when I meet them for the first time and when I'm sober ;-)
So how do I follow up with a girl after a first kiss/date? How can I enjoy myself and try to know her more but not seem to interested or to disaffected?


I would appreciate any tips or info from you guys.

 

[romangod]

How do i recognize what I want from a girl?

This is something only you can answer. If you're not sure what you want from a girl you have a lot of soul searching to do.

The third part of my question concerns how to proceed with a woman/girl I like.


Again, this is something you have to figure out on your own. Trial and error and the DJ Bible can help.

So how do I follow up with a girl after a first kiss/date? How can I enjoy myself and try to know her more but not seem to interested or to disaffected?


You're thinking too much. Make the choice to enjoy yourself and it will take its natural course.

 

[joekerr31]

go with the flow dude. stop trying to plan your next move and just let it happen naturally. let your d*ck take over and everything will be fine.

 

[bornyesterday]

This is something only you can answer. If you're not sure what you want from a girl you have a lot of soul searching to do.

Last time I checked my soul, there were no girls there.
But seriously, I have looked inward, and went deep, and what I found scared me to death. There are no answers to be found.

Agree with the rest what you said. Action is the course I have to make.

go with the flow dude. stop trying to plan your next move and just let it happen naturally. let your d*ck take over and everything will be fine.

Thanks for the encouragement.

 

[bornyesterday]

So I finally phoned her sunday for a date, after receiving an email of her in which she told me she liked what happened and really had fun. But it was an old phone number so I asked her out via email.

The email I got back surpised me a bit.
She tells me she is scared to have a date with me! She has to think about it for a while as she is confused. And she would call me.
I know things have been weird between us sometimes with her, but what I gather from this is that she looks up to me a tad too much. Or maybe it is because I know so much about her.
I know she really likes me, that is obvious to me. So it's not that there is no connection.

Have you guys ever had such a reaction?
I think this is not a good sign. Seems like things are already to complicated to have some fun time together. What do you think?

edit. i think i worry to much ;-)

 

[joekerr31]

drama drama drama.

typical chic drama. 'i dont want to see you. i want to see you. im so confused. im scared. give me some time. blah blah blah'

guys with multiple options or spinning multiple plates laugh at this sh*t.

can you imagine offering a woman a winning million dollar lottery ticket and her going 'i dont know what to do. should i take it? no i better not. no wait, maybe. im scared. give me some time to think about it.'

no woman would do that. she'd grab that ticket and run to the bank and cash it as fast as she could. because that ticket is the PRIZE.

when a chic starts playing the 'i dont know if we should be doing this' she either isn't interested in you anymore OR she is setting the frame. she is making herself the prize and making you chase after her.

regardless, once a woman exhibits behavior of not wanting to be with me, i just move on. i got no time to play drama games or deal with dramatic women who dont know what they want.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

regardless, once a woman exhibits behavior of not wanting to be with me, i just move on. i got no time to play drama games or deal with dramatic women who dont know what they want.

If guys could learn this simple skill alone in a few short years (or less) we would be living on a different planet. Chicks would finally have lost the power to manipulate the weak, and AFC's everywhere would be free of riding the emotional roller coaster that women put them on.

 

[bornyesterday]

Yeah I understand the drama, and I know she has drama queen tendencies.
So in my reply to her email I included sentences about my wants. I want you to be comfortable, I don't need any difficult stuff (drama), don't make things harder then they are, make contact when you have this **** together. So I was displaying my own value and I told her I would like it if she would call.
In some way I have to balance displaying interest and disinterest. Which is hard to balance for me right now as written in the first post. I haven't found out how to do this yet.
It's also very clear to me that I don't want to be a part of her drama. I'm doing this for myself and I won't stand for childish behavior.

What bothers me too is that if she would call me now for a date I would't know what to do. The determination for this date is fractured. In this sense she took part of my power away. (I can't believe that was intended as that would be devious.)

Joekerr, the way you write about her and her drama seems a bit black and white to me. A bit to general. It offends me a bit (not in a bad way though). Maybe because I disagree or maybe because this is said about a girl that I am dating and it all seems so personal to me. When this is told in other threads about women in general I do agree mostly, but it doesn't quite relate to me as it does now (realitycheck maybe?). I have this feeling that I really 'know her' which makes it more 'special'. Which is probably an AFC feeling.

I won't think about her and this stuff until it becomes relevant again. Just moving on. I have a lot of things on my mind. Although this reaction feels pretty natural to me now, this forum has helped me see this more clearly and has helped me with my determination/faith.

 

[joekerr31]

Joekerr, the way you write about her and her drama seems a bit black and white to me. A bit to general. It offends me a bit (not in a bad way though). Maybe because I disagree or maybe because this is said about a girl that I am dating and it all seems so personal to me. When this is told in other threads about women in general I do agree mostly, but it doesn't quite relate to me as it does now (realitycheck maybe?). I have this feeling that I really 'know her' which makes it more 'special'. Which is probably an AFC feeling.

well if you thought she was just another chic displaying typical chic tactics you wouldn't be that interested in her. given that you are interested in her you feel that 'shes different' - you have to think this to yourself in order for you to keep wanting her.

the moment you relegate her to a common chic using common chic behaviors your interest in her will disappear.

heres the thing with any advice given on here, including advice i give, its based on a very limited amount of info. so no one can ever know with 100% assurance that the advice they are giving is 100% right.

so we toss out ideas and its up to you to weigh them against the reality you are experiencing and then make your own decision.

 

[joekerr31]

oh one other thing, and i dont mean to be rude, but its standard AFC thinking to get rejected by a girl but then say to yourself 'even though she is saying she doesn't want to be with me, its only because deep down she really really wants me. she's just scared of being hurt.'

its this kind of thinking that causes guys to chase after the prize even when its out of reach.

i mean, what would your attitude be if an employer said to you 'you know, we really like you, but we're scared to hire you.'

ill tell you what your reaction would be. youd say 'WTF?!!!!"

an employer that really wants you will hire you. a woman who really wants you will go out with you. its that simple.

and even if she is 'scared', do you really want to be dating a chic who obviously has some issues in play such that she is scared to go out with guys she likes?

 

[bornyesterday]

oh one other thing, and i dont mean to be rude, but its standard AFC thinking to get rejected by a girl but then say to yourself 'even though she is saying she doesn't want to be with me, its only because deep down she really really wants me. she's just scared of being hurt.'

I always have had the tendency to think for other people. I am learning not to do that anymore as it ****ed up many potentials. She is great practice for this. But the AFC thinking you mention above will never be mine. That's not how I function. I have to much common sense ;-) Well maybe when I get a scary form of oneitis, I will have to find that out the hard way I guess.

and even if she is 'scared', do you really want to be dating a chic who obviously has some issues in play such that she is scared to go out with guys she likes?

Exactly, I don't think its healthy for us. Furthermore it makes it more difficult for me have some fun or act upon what I want.

 

[joekerr31]

I always have had the tendency to think for other people. I am learning not to do that anymore as it ****ed up many potentials. She is great practice for this. But the AFC thinking you mention above will never be mine. That's not how I function. I have to much common sense ;-) Well maybe when I get a scary form of oneitis, I will have to find that out the hard way I guess.

yep. i use to have the same problem. because im smart id always be trying to figure out what was coming around the corner.

the problem with that is that in doing so you effect the dynamics of the relationship. you behave differently than you would if you werent doing that. you make different decisions. your curiosity keeps you hanging on.

now ive learned to simply take people at face value. people will show you exactly who they are. they don't hide it as much as everyone thinks. its our desire for things to turn out a certain way that blinds us.

most guys once they have cut loose of a woman look back and go 'damn, how did i not see x, y and z about her.'

a woman who will make you happy in the long run won't make your life confusing in the short term.

like my view on your situation, as an outsider, is that what she is doing is wrong. she's pushing you away but then dangling a carrot of hope out there for you. its immature, its disrespectful and its a clear indicator that she is not someone who yet knows exactly what she wants and whether that is you (which typically means in time she'll end up busting your balls when it turns out you aren't mister perfect).

i have a very simple rule in life. do unto others as youd have them do unto you. would you do this to someone? if the answer is no, then obviously the two of you have different sets of values. and why would you want to chase a woman who doesnt share your values?

 

[Tazman]

Don't always agree with him (lol, love that disclaimer) but joekerr31 has a lot good common sense and insight and I agree with him on this.

There are women who are fearful of the guys they like and usually nothing ever happens as a result. When you've actually gone out with a woman who seems interested, let alone kissed her, you should have a very good idea of where things will go.

If you start getting flaky behavior and/or indecisiveness it's a STRONG indicator that you need to place this person on the back burner. Think about it from your own perspective, if this woman were to ask you out on another date you wouldn't hesitate to run with the offer because you have an INTEREST in her. That's what interested people do, that's how they react.
They don't pull back and say they don't know if they're ready. Where was this indecisiveness when you were hanging out, kissing?

Reminds me of a close friend who hooked up with a girl who later began acting flaky and saying she was upset that her parents and brother didn't like the fact that he was 5 years older than her (wasn't a problem when they first got together though...). I told him that she's creating this space because she's got her eyes on other guys and he didn't believe me. Of course the end result was textbook, she screwed around with some other guy even after he told her that they should breakup if she was going to do this. I blame him for this though, she gave obvious reasons for him to move on and he chose to ignore them.

I always have had the tendency to think for other people. I am learning not to do that anymore as it ****ed up many potentials. She is great practice for this. But the AFC thinking you mention above will never be mine. That's not how I function. I have to much common sense ;-) Well maybe when I get a scary form of oneitis, I will have to find that out the hard way I guess.

Funny thing about oneitis is that if you don't believe you have any other options it's EXTREMELY hard to be level headed about these things. Spinning plates is an excellent cure for this!

 

[jophil28]

and even if she is 'scared', do you really want to be dating a chic who obviously has some issues in play such that she is scared to go out with guys she likes?

That is a good point.

She MAY be scared, she may be wary and nervous and reluctant and self protective and .. blah,blah. She may have high enough IL throughout all her doubts and fears. The point is this - you do not want to chase and obsess over a woman who is acting incongruently. By that I mean that she wants you but she is scared so she acts as if she does not want you .

A woman's IL should move her to you. Her IL should be the driving force which motivaes her to want to spend time with you,. IT is that simple.
. IF you have a woman whose driving force is fear ( just another way of saying self protection) then her IL gets smothered and buried. You are then in the frame of her FEARs and you will find yourself pandering to her fears and she (like most women ) will use this to gain the upper hand by endlessly trying to make you "prove" yourself to be "safe" ...

My advice- find some other female company and back right off the first woman. If her IL is there, she will soon sneak forward and contact you.

 

[joekerr31]

That is a good point.

She MAY be scared, she may be wary and nervous and reluctant and self protective and .. blah,blah. She may have high enough IL throughout all her doubts and fears. The point is this - you do not want to chase and obsess over a woman who is acting incongruently. By that I mean that she wants you but she is scared so she acts as if she does not want you .

a little while ago i went on a few dates this woman. originally i asked her out and she declined. then a day later she calls me up and says she would like to go out.

she explained that she hadn't dated in a while and was nervous but that coffee would be good. so we go for coffee. things go ok.

next date, we go to a movie. things go fine, but no real sparks going off.

it was obvious that she was like a male AFC. she was use to relating to people on a non sexual level and didn't know how to get back into the groove.
(and no, she wasn't ugly - which is why i tell you guys, there are hot chics out there who don't have 1000 guys asking them out every day).

anyway, after the second date it was clear to me that it was going to take a long time for her to get comfortable with dating again. so i bailed.

she called a few more times to set up a date, but i didn't return the calls.

the reason? I don't have time to hand hold a woman who obviously had intimacy issues.

normally the fastest way around this is to simply go on a date where you drink a bit. unfortunately she didn't drink.

so i said screw it and moved on, even though she was still eager to continue going on dates.