We are judged by others based on just a few distinct moments/events

[sageproduct]

Little bit of theorizing.

Take a brief moment to think about various relationships in your life. Long ones, short ones, important ones, trivial ones. Now think about how you feel about that person, or how they make you feel, or how you feel about their character. Why do you think/feel that way about them?

Does this make you automatically recall a particular moment where you suddenly realized "Wow, x is funny" or "y is actually really cool person" or "damn z is actually kind of a scumbag"? Yes, you agree with what I'm proposing here, or no, you don't think so? I don't know the answer.

So two very distinct experiences of mine on my sports team made me think about this.

1. Guy #1 on my team, weird guy traditionally speaking. Speaks slowly, uses the most random vocabulary (not in a nerdy way, just in an eccentric way), tells the strangest perverted jokes. In the beginning, we didn't really care for each other. I didn't think much of him and didn't really interact with him, and he probably resented me because I was kind of the coach's pet at that time and I pretty much disagreed with him every time an "issue" came up with the team.

The entire first YEAR AND A HALF went like this. Then one week I noticed how hard he was studying for an admissions test, I realized I respected him a lot for it...that week he was throwing a lot of verbal jabs at me, direct and indirect lol to where one of the guys tells me "lol dude idk what's up w/him"

I never rebute him, I just laugh bc the jabs are always so weird they're hilarious. The one day I just go "Damn Guy, I don't know what's up. I have all the respect in the world for you but you're just tearing me to shreds"

Funny, in the span of the next week or two his attitude toward me did a complete 180. He'd refer back to what I had said a couple times, but all of a sudden we just started talking. And making a sh1tload of retarded and weird jokes. Turns out our senses of humor, while different, played off each other VERY well.

Real quick we became each other's closest friend on the team. Got to the point where everyone knew we were butt buddies cuz we'd constantly be making weird jokes and laughing at them when nobody knew wtf we were talking about. He'd call me like every day to talk about weird sh1t and take out our frustrations about the team by making fun of everything.

2. Guy # on my team. This guy and I were cool with one another. No problems, no beef, but we didn't really relate all too much either. Until there came a point where both of us wanted and were trying to assume a sort of leadership role over the team. Our heads kind of butted - never directly, it was very subtle, but I definitely sensed it. He jumped on any chance to call me out and would pretty much always go against anything I had to say, or at least spin it a different way.

The resentment built up a bit, I could sense it. We definitely avoided being caught alone together. Until, one day during practice he found out a family member of his had become gravely ill and was in critical condition. He didn't tell anyone, but at the end of practice our coach announced it in a way that was a bit untactful (well he basically assumed that all of us knew what was going on, when actually no one knew), so it left an awkward silence over the issue where no one wanted to comment nor ask what was actually going on.

Later that night, the guys were all together, drinking, doing normal Friday night sh1t, so I went up to said Guy, took him aside for a sec, and just sincerely told him I hoped the best for his family.

Instant 180 in his attitude toward me after that.

Ok now the point as it applies to DJing and women...

I wonder how many relationships fail because one or both parties was too quick to dismiss the other due to surface-level perceptions before they get a chance for that "moment" to happen when they get a deeper glimpse of character.. Relationships that could have been very good and fulfilling ones. Like if Guy #1 and I had only been teammates for one year, we'd never have become friends, I'd never have seen how cool of a guy he actually is, and he'd never have understood why I held the beliefs I did that clashed with his.

I also wonder how many times a girl has rejected me just because of one small thing I said or did that served as a false "moment" or glimpse into my true personality. Or how many times I made a connection with a girl simply because we were lucky and just happened to find ourselves in a situation where we revealed aspects of ourselves that the other really liked.

And, of course, on the practical side - I also wonder how to use this to one's advantage, maximizing the chance you run into one of those situations that makes the girl go "Oh wow you know what, despite being just an average-looking asian guy, he's actually really cool and interesting" and minimizing behaviors that might make a woman write you off as a douchebag/loser/player.

 

[BadNews]

Yes, I agree, this happens all the time. Depending on the time frame of a "relationship" it could obviously swing opinion about an individual back and forth numerous times.

In this fast paced world we live in, I really doubt there is anyway to use this to your advantage. People are going to base their perception of you within seconds of meeting, and there is simply nothing you can do about it - other than always putting your best foot forward. Some people click, some don't.

I think the takeaway would be, as I said, to ALWAYS have your best foot forward. Strive to be your "best self" ALL the time. This is harder than it sounds, and I believe the only way to do this is to take it seriously. Even while you're alone, absent of others, practicing your "best self" is a worth while task. It will make you a better person, and likely have a great impact on your interactions with others (read: women.) If you constantly have your best foot forward, you're going to allow others more opportunities to notice how great you are as a person.

Another takeaway would obviously be to give others the benefit of the doubt. Don't be so quick as the rest of the world to dismiss or pass judgement. This is part of being your "best self," and should become easier the more it is practiced. Giving people the opportunity to show you their "best self" could be invaluable socially - as it also allows opportunity for them to see your "best self."

Anyways, nice post, thank you. Got me thinking a little bit - at the end of the day a lot of it is going to be luck, but I'd like to think we can help ourselves.

 

[Mike32ct]

Good thread Sage. I notice this myself.

I also agree with everything BadNews said.

 

[SgtSplacker]

I treat interactions with different social circles in an almost viral way. If one person in the group does not think highly of you that will spread like a virus to the others. And if you are viewed generally well, that will spread also in the same way.

When it comes to how folks regard you, people will make you fit into whatever mold they think you go in. Take being perverted for example. You can say the same perverted joke to different people and based on your first impressions they will mentally either think your some sicko or think you are funny and so cutting edge for having the gall to say such a questionable thing. The joke never changed, whats different is how they regard you. Unfortunately your reality day to day is very dependent on how people regard you.

Long ago I learned to keep closest the friends that hold you in high regard. The interactions are totally different. Life is better if you let your friends pick you. Everything you say is funny, you always have the benefit of the doubt, you are always considered, your opinion is valuable. People that you meet through them also hold you in higher regard. I have used this model in friends and relationships and am a happier person because of it.

One of the most difficult things I have had to do with my life is to cut out those folks that for some reason or another just didn't hold me in a very high regard. Maybe they are just negative people, maybe they have some dirt on me I didn't know existed, maybe they are just intimidated by me. But either way I felt I was wasting my time with them and decided to move on. It's very difficult to change the way people think. Sometimes you can do it with a kind gesture they didn't expect. Sometimes time/age cements that opinion in stone.

This applies to work too. If I start a new job i'll try my best to make a great first impression. If I succeed, everything I do will be genius. When I come late it doesn't bother anyone because I put in so much during the day. If someone has to wait it's because i'm so busy because i'm so good everyone needs me. Now if it goes the other way around. My tardiness all of a sudden coincided with a meeting I missed that nobody told me about. If someone has to wait it's because i'm so slow. If I accomplish something, i'm just doing my job i'm paid to do. Big difference there, i'd start looking for a new place to work and try to get it right next time.