I once assumed that being judgmental was an appropriate way of promoting one’s self value, but I’ve jeopardized more than one relationship while practicing this self-destructive belief.
It starts with this girl.
She was highly promiscuous; a heavy drinker; and a heavy smoker. Having already f***ed her, I thought a sure-fire way to keep her as a f-buddy is by promoting my value. I did it all wrong. I don’t like to drink too much, and so I told her that heavy drinkers had very little control of their lives (she took that as an insult); I don’t like smokers, and so I told her that people who smoke cared very little about their well-bring (she took that as an insult, as well). Basically, I tried to convey to her that I was above these self-destructive tendencies that she willingly chose to embrace, hoping that she would perceive me as a strong anchor who wasn’t embroiled in her living hell.
Wrong.
What’s the present situation? She won’t even hang around me any more. Every time she talks about going to the bar, she immediately looks my way for a sign of my approval or to see if I’m disappointed. She doesn’t even smoke in my presence any more (as rare as that has become). Basically, when she’s not avoiding me, she’s being uncharacteristically introverted, which isn’t the case at all when she’s talking with other folks.
The fact of the matter is, personal value doesn’t need to be vocally promoted. When she sees that you don’t smoke, it sends the appropriate message. When she notices that you don’t drink as much, she picks up on it. There was no need for me to indirectly chastise her and her habits, which is what I did, and now she won’t even hang out.
How do I reverse all of this?
It starts with this girl.
She was highly promiscuous; a heavy drinker; and a heavy smoker. Having already f***ed her, I thought a sure-fire way to keep her as a f-buddy is by promoting my value. I did it all wrong. I don’t like to drink too much, and so I told her that heavy drinkers had very little control of their lives (she took that as an insult); I don’t like smokers, and so I told her that people who smoke cared very little about their well-bring (she took that as an insult, as well). Basically, I tried to convey to her that I was above these self-destructive tendencies that she willingly chose to embrace, hoping that she would perceive me as a strong anchor who wasn’t embroiled in her living hell.
Wrong.
What’s the present situation? She won’t even hang around me any more. Every time she talks about going to the bar, she immediately looks my way for a sign of my approval or to see if I’m disappointed. She doesn’t even smoke in my presence any more (as rare as that has become). Basically, when she’s not avoiding me, she’s being uncharacteristically introverted, which isn’t the case at all when she’s talking with other folks.
The fact of the matter is, personal value doesn’t need to be vocally promoted. When she sees that you don’t smoke, it sends the appropriate message. When she notices that you don’t drink as much, she picks up on it. There was no need for me to indirectly chastise her and her habits, which is what I did, and now she won’t even hang out.
How do I reverse all of this?
