Was too Blind to know I was in a Rebound Relationship

[UndercoverAFC]

Started dating a girl last year who had broken up a long term 2 year relationship 6 weeks earlier. Things go well for the first month and a half then she got hit by a wave of depression after recieving a call from her ex. She said that she didn't want the past to affect our relationship and she didn't trust herself not to sabotage the relationship and hurt.
The next month and a half we hang out 1 time per week for the next 6-8 weeks until i crack it and push it up to two times a week despite her protests. After 4 months i drop frame completely and say i loved her. She breaks up with me one month later due to her being confused, having depression and anxiety and gets with her second option 6 weeks later.

In hindsight i realise that she wa

Question do rebound relationship ever work out if taken slow (ie 1 time a week)? Or did i dodge a bullet irregardless?

 

[logicallefty]

Yes, rebound relationships can work. My dad left my mom against her wishes. She admitted she was afraid of being alone. She started seeing my step dad within a month after dad leaving her. Three months later they got married. They have been married 30.5 years now.

It's hard to know if you dodged a bullet per se, but you did screw up by saying the L word. Never be the first to say it. Your timer to this woman leaving you started then for sure if it hadn't started already before that.

A few of my own posts that you may benefit from:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=221281 (loose the LTR mindset)

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=218986 (don't break frame, she is NOT different)

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=222829 (reflect on what you did with this woman, learn, and move on).

 

[expos]

A couple of different things to think about here...

Some woman take a long time to recover from a breakup, some don't.

I have one friend who is still not over her ex-boyfriend and it's been about year now. She talks to me all the time about how she is so hurt, sad, etc.

I also know of women who have walked out of 8 year marriages and had a serious boyfriend two months later. It all depends on the woman.

To give this girl some credit, at least she isn't some psychotic branch swinger and at least she didn't continue to lead you on.

Can you make rebound relationships work? Absolutely! If you are what she is looking for, then she'll completely forget about her ex.

 

[El Payaso]

I have a strict policy of not dating girls who are still into their ex. The moment I see a call or text from an ex, it is grounds for instant dismissal. Don't hang around to see the outcome. DUMP THEM IMMEDIATELY.

 

[Between_The_Lines]

Few girls are going to give you the heads up and tell you straightforwardly - "hey, I'm still into my ex, but feel free to get in line and fight to be my favorite orbiter". No, it's usually situation normal, all fvcked up.

So what can you do? Are there any signs to be on the look out for? I believe you touched up on it in your post: despondency.

I've noticed this with a few girls I've been involved with, and I've noticed this in other girls who just happen to be friends. They're not all quite there - "there" as in, fully present. They seem distracted, fidgety, mildly irritated, anxious, perhaps they're constantly checking their phone or seemingly itching to do so (usually the dead giveaway the longer this emotionally unavailable behavior carries on). If I pick up on something like this, I know that she won't be going further than a plate from that point on.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

It happens all the time OP, I would say a majority of relationship are just that. Hypergamy, a womans brain doesn't give 2 f*cks if he's a rebound. She's confused, having depression and anxiety...sounds like you dodge a bullet.

I have a strict policy of not dating girls who are still into their ex. The moment I see a call or text from an ex, it is grounds for instant dismissal. Don't hang around to see the outcome. DUMP THEM IMMEDIATELY.

Agreed 100%, it usually doesn't take too long to find this out. Typically, I would I say they are still plate status when & if I found out. At this point it's a FB in my mind & that's it. Best to move on & replace.

I would imagine my numbers are off but I would say 3 out of 5 are still in some form of contact with an ex. This is just another chapter in redpill that you have to accept. None of it surprises me or shocks me like it once did.
Boundaries have to be set early, if she's gf material, usually that's not the case.

"Quoting Mauser96"
"Women demand attention - they are insecure, have low self-esteem and rely on affirmation and attention from others, always."

The more exes she has, the more likely she is an alpha widow......

Add to this that the more she hangs out with other men, the more likely she is hanging out with men she has fvked before (exes).

These are both reasons why you don't commit to h0rs and why you don't commit to women who keep men around.

Remember, commitment only benefits the woman, so make sure you have got a great, GREAT one before devoting that high level of value to her.

My ex (alpha widow/wiring is f*cked) has become my orbiter, Friday night I'm hanging out with friends at my bar. My ex wants to join, I really don't care I've got new plates, sure come on out. She's in a fresh rebound LDR with a new chump and he's ok that her & I are "friends". Betas don't want to upset a woman so they will let them get away with anything & everything. Baha she's already cheating on the new guy, it's entertaining to say the least. He lives in another state so technically she's not cheating while she's all over me.

 

[saberu]

Don't say you love them unless they are obviously completely head over heels for you or have said it first.

I hope by hang out you mean sex every time, or you better go kill yourself if you haven't slept with her yet.

 

[GS750]

Depends on if she's still "hung up" on the ex. If she's still in contact with him, calling, texting, saying she misses him etc. Then I'd follow El Payaso's policy. You're headed for disaster. She's not over him. If you're a step up from the ex, as in you're an "upgrade" so to speak, then she should forget all about him. If her interest is high enough, staying in contact with the ex should not be a priority for her. Great quote by a member here...can't remember who. So rebounds can work, depends on where her head is at. Hypergamy rules in this situation. And a BTL stated, you should be able to sense when something if "off" or just not there. It's called emotionally unavailable in womanspeak.

 

[UndercoverAFC]

Well the depression hit when she recieved a call from the ex and she said she talk to him about his depression. At this point she said she did not want the past to affect our relationship and she did trust herself not to sabotage the relationship and thats about when she became more distant and said she did not want to have this power over me.

I guess it hindsight had i given it more time and lost my cool i think it couldn't slowly progressed to something more. But issues got in the way at this point and i became very insecure of being the rebound guy including talking about how much time she spent with her ex. Can't really try and control the situation, go with the flow i guess for next time :/

 

[UndercoverAFC]

Don't say you love them unless they are obviously completely head over heels for you or have said it first.

I hope by hang out you mean sex every time, or you better go kill yourself if you haven't slept with her yet.

We had sex nearly everytime, it was a of a sexual relationship than anything, unfortunately i don't believe she was over her ex when i said that i loved her. It had only been barely 5 months since there break at this point.

As the dumpee i also hanged around in the picture until she got with the new guy. Big mistake, first heatbreak at 24. It really just strengthen there new relationship and made it easy to get over me.

 

[Between_The_Lines]

Well the depression hit when she recieved a call from the ex and she said she talk to him about his depression. At this point she said she did not want the past to affect our relationship and she did trust herself not to sabotage the relationship and thats about when she became more distant and said she did not want to have this power over me.

I guess it hindsight had i given it more time and lost my cool i think it couldn't slowly progressed to something more. But issues got in the way at this point and i became very insecure of being the rebound guy including talking about how much time she spent with her ex. Can't really try and control the situation, go with the flow i guess for next time :/

She doesn't want this power over you for two reasons -

1 - it functions like an anti-lubricant for her pvssy, deprives her of experiencing a single tingle from you

2 - she'll be put in a position to possibly 'hurt you' later down the road (i.e. kick you to the curb), which is not a feeling she doesn't want you to experience, no, it's a feeling she doesn't want to experience (think of what the average boss experiences when he/she has to let someone go)

 

[UndercoverAFC]

She doesn't want this power over you for two reasons -

1 - it functions like an anti-lubricant for her pvssy, deprives her of experiencing a single tingle from you

2 - she'll be put in a position to possibly 'hurt you' later down the road (i.e. kick you to the curb), which is not a feeling she doesn't want you to experience, no, it's a feeling she doesn't want to experience (think of what the average boss experiences when he/she has to let someone go)

1) can you go into further detail on this one



2) This ones obvious, I don't think she meant for what happen, perhaps the once a week was emotional distance for both of us. She wanted a month break at the end too. To work through her "stuff" and came over casually until I snapped and forced her hand

 

[Between_The_Lines]

1) can you go into further detail on this one

She's fully aware that she's dating down. Nothing about that gets her hot.

 

[UndercoverAFC]

She's fully aware that she's dating down. Nothing about that gets her hot.

Well her last boyfriend was a better looking guy. But I guess it's hard to compete with 2 years and 3 months of memories. In your opinion had i given it more time and let her open up to me more (ie trust issues) would havr worked out or was I always screwed for that moment?

 

[RangerMIke]

It takes two years for a women to get COMPLETELY over an ex. She is ready to move on and start having sex right away, she might not love the guy, but she still has resentment and anger.

Their emotions are all over the place, they have a hard time de-conflicting what they are feeling since their actions are so tied to how they feel. When a women is angry with a guy, this is what goes thru her mind....

"I'm angry with him... why am I angry... I shouldn't care one way or another, because I don't want him... I want my new guy... but I'm still angry with the ex... I must still have feelings for him... at some level I must still care about him, otherwise I would not be angry."

This is what a guy thinks: "I'm angry with my ex, fvck the b!tch, I hate her and I'm moving on."

You see when a man FINALLY gets ANGRY and MAD at his girl, he's done.... he's ready to move on. I've been through this before, I would be upset when things went bad and would go through a period of wondering if we could get back together... but once you finally get ticked off, that's when you know it's over. Because when a man feels hate, attraction dies. For a women it's different, her attraction is based on emotion... what she is feeling is what drives her interest level. When she is feeling hate or love, her interest level is going to rise, because it is an indicator that she cares at some level and feels the need to explore it. This is genetically encoded into the female, so that she can quickly move on to the victorious hords. When one tribe defeated another tribe, all the men were killed and all the men from the victorious tribes just took the women from the defeated. Hate eventually builds to interest and then attraction... Just look at what happened in France after WWII, the French women just accepted the Germans and started collaboration... Then the Americans and British came and... well the Germans were quickly forgotten. Before we start looking down on French women, you have to realize that if the US was invaded by another country and taken over, American women would do the same fvcking thing. It is the nature of women... they can not help it. If women behaved like men then the human race would have died off thousands of years ago... they are the way they are as a survival mechanism. I think the cruelest thing I've ever seen was when French men shaved the heads of women accused of collaborating with Germans. As far as I'm concerned the French men surrendered their right to critize their women because they were not men enough to stop the Germans from taking over their country. The French women were true to their nature; the French men WERE NOT.

I'm seeing a woman now who has been divorced for a year. Everything was fine until Christmas time when she pulled away for 4 weeks... let her go, did not try to contact her. A week ago she called, made a date and we talked... What happened was her ex sent her a Christmas card with him and his daughter (her former step daughter, who she had become close to).. this sent her off the deep end.

If you are going to see women that are coming off LTR with other men you MUST EXPECT that sh!t like this is going to happen. They are going to drift in and drift out, usually around holidays and special occasions. The worst thing you can do at that point is to lose your DJ frame. Eventually she will realize she needs a rock to cling to and if you become a whinny needy b!tch then you are not a rock.

 

[UndercoverAFC]

See what originally attracted her to me was the fact I did not want a relationship with her. I was independent and held out for 6 weeks when i knew i could get her. She knew what she needed a strong independent nice guy who could **** who brains out till she forgot about the ex and slowly moved on. The sex is probably what i miss the most, being emotionally unavailable made it more important i guess. Not sure i'll ever have it that good again.

It takes two years for a women to get COMPLETELY over an ex. She is ready to move on and start having sex right away, she might not love the guy, but she still has resentment and anger.

Their emotions are all over the place, they have a hard time de-conflicting what they are feeling since their actions are so tied to how they feel. When a women is angry with a guy, this is what goes thru her mind....

"I'm angry with him... why am I angry... I shouldn't care one way or another, because I don't want him... I want my new guy... but I'm still angry with the ex... I must still have feelings for him... at some level I must still care about him, otherwise I would not be angry."

This is what a guy thinks: "I'm angry with my ex, fvck the b!tch, I hate her and I'm moving on."

You see when a man FINALLY gets ANGRY and MAD at his girl, he's done.... he's ready to move on. I've been through this before, I would be upset when things went bad and would go through a period of wondering if we could get back together... but once you finally get ticked off, that's when you know it's over. Because when a man feels hate, attraction dies. For a women it's different, her attraction is based on emotion... what she is feeling is what drives her interest level. When she is feeling hate or love, her interest level is going to rise, because it is an indicator that she cares at some level and feels the need to explore it. This is genetically encoded into the female, so that she can quickly move on to the victorious hords. When one tribe defeated another tribe, all the men were killed and all the men from the victorious tribes just took the women from the defeated. Hate eventually builds to interest and then attraction... Just look at what happened in France after WWII, the French women just accepted the Germans and started collaboration... Then the Americans and British came and... well the Germans were quickly forgotten. Before we start looking down on French women, you have to realize that if the US was invaded by another country and taken over, American women would do the same fvcking thing. It is the nature of women... they can not help it. If women behaved like men then the human race would have died off thousands of years ago... they are the way they are as a survival mechanism. I think the cruelest thing I've ever seen was when French men shaved the heads of women accused of collaborating with Germans. As far as I'm concerned the French men surrendered their right to critize their women because they were not men enough to stop the Germans from taking over their country. The French women were true to their nature; the French men WERE NOT.

I'm seeing a woman now who has been divorced for a year. Everything was fine until Christmas time when she pulled away for 4 weeks... let her go, did not try to contact her. A week ago she called, made a date and we talked... What happened was her ex sent her a Christmas card with him and his daughter (her former step daughter, who she had become close to).. this sent her off the deep end.

If you are going to see women that are coming off LTR with other men you MUST EXPECT that sh!t like this is going to happen. They are going to drift in and drift out, usually around holidays and special occasions. The worst thing you can do at that point is to lose your DJ frame. Eventually she will realize she needs a rock to cling to and if you become a whinny needy b!tch then you are not a rock.

This is why i'm going to stay on this site. I did not become needy till people started telling me i was the rebound guy, that made me lose my cool and show strong emotions after 2 months turned her right off from that moment i believe. The guy she meet at the start changed well before she was ready too, should just kept my frame under control and went with the flow.

 

[Between_The_Lines]

Well her last boyfriend was a better looking guy. But I guess it's hard to compete with 2 years and 3 months of memories. In your opinion had i given it more time and let her open up to me more (ie trust issues) would havr worked out or was I always screwed for that moment?

"Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power" -Oscar Wilde

 

[UndercoverAFC]

"Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power" -Oscar Wilde

haha so thats a no then? I was always in trouble i believe the girls interest Level related to her emotional stability at the time (ie 1 time a week). When she came around and bang me casually while we on a 1 month break at the end i knew i was in trouble and struggled to maintain less interest.

 

[expos]

It takes two years for a women to get COMPLETELY over an ex. She is ready to move on and start having sex right away, she might not love the guy, but she still has resentment and anger.

Their emotions are all over the place, they have a hard time de-conflicting what they are feeling since their actions are so tied to how they feel. When a women is angry with a guy, this is what goes thru her mind....

"I'm angry with him... why am I angry... I shouldn't care one way or another, because I don't want him... I want my new guy... but I'm still angry with the ex... I must still have feelings for him... at some level I must still care about him, otherwise I would not be angry."

This is what a guy thinks: "I'm angry with my ex, fvck the b!tch, I hate her and I'm moving on."

You see when a man FINALLY gets ANGRY and MAD at his girl, he's done.... he's ready to move on. I've been through this before, I would be upset when things went bad and would go through a period of wondering if we could get back together... but once you finally get ticked off, that's when you know it's over. Because when a man feels hate, attraction dies. For a women it's different, her attraction is based on emotion... what she is feeling is what drives her interest level. When she is feeling hate or love, her interest level is going to rise, because it is an indicator that she cares at some level and feels the need to explore it. This is genetically encoded into the female, so that she can quickly move on to the victorious hords. When one tribe defeated another tribe, all the men were killed and all the men from the victorious tribes just took the women from the defeated. Hate eventually builds to interest and then attraction... Just look at what happened in France after WWII, the French women just accepted the Germans and started collaboration... Then the Americans and British came and... well the Germans were quickly forgotten. Before we start looking down on French women, you have to realize that if the US was invaded by another country and taken over, American women would do the same fvcking thing. It is the nature of women... they can not help it. If women behaved like men then the human race would have died off thousands of years ago... they are the way they are as a survival mechanism. I think the cruelest thing I've ever seen was when French men shaved the heads of women accused of collaborating with Germans. As far as I'm concerned the French men surrendered their right to critize their women because they were not men enough to stop the Germans from taking over their country. The French women were true to their nature; the French men WERE NOT.

I'm seeing a woman now who has been divorced for a year. Everything was fine until Christmas time when she pulled away for 4 weeks... let her go, did not try to contact her. A week ago she called, made a date and we talked... What happened was her ex sent her a Christmas card with him and his daughter (her former step daughter, who she had become close to).. this sent her off the deep end.

If you are going to see women that are coming off LTR with other men you MUST EXPECT that sh!t like this is going to happen. They are going to drift in and drift out, usually around holidays and special occasions. The worst thing you can do at that point is to lose your DJ frame. Eventually she will realize she needs a rock to cling to and if you become a whinny needy b!tch then you are not a rock.

Awesome post.

 

[Fuzion174]

Never a good idea messing with a chick who's still not over her ex I was messing with a HB7 last winter who had just gotten out a three year relationship with a guy who she found out was married the whole time and was having a kid with his wife , I Met her through a Co-Worker who invited me out one night because the co-worker was very in to me but I didn't feel the same but I went along with it anyway cause I knew the friend was showing up (Pretty sure this affected my karma badly lol) so I went and after a few hours of basically pushing away my coworker advancements(She was a 3 at most but personality was cool enough to keep around as a homie I guess [Mistake I know]) ; Anyways once the co worker saw I was really more into the friend I guess as a ploy to keep me around she tried to match me with the friend (Third Mistake) so after weeks of flirting and stuff I finally hook up with the friend but this is when the thing gets real lol I didn't know that the girl was still seeing her ex (the one with the wife) and that he was still banging and going back to his wife she'll get frustrated and take it out on me (Guess who was feeding me this info) , this is all before I found this site and was a super Afc I just took it as the friend lying so that she can swoop in and snatch me away from her own friend Anyways to end this story short I work in a movie theater I'm guessing she though I wasn't working that day so guess who I caught on a date lmfaoo!! The funny thing is I was so in denial that at first I though the dude was the co-workers BF that was at the theater too girl even introduced us and I shook his hand and everything (Oh god) I didn't catch the hint until I saw his arm around her and he called her baby lol there's more to this story but I'll just leave it at that don't trust girls with Ex issues she rather be a married mans side chick than to do her own thing