Backbencher
Don Juan
- Joined
- May 22, 2006
- Messages
- 10
- Reaction score
- 0
Warning: long a$$ story.
I’ve been totally love with a friend/colleague of mine for the past 3-4 months (yes, one-itis). Met her in February, we became friends and colleagues pretty much at the same time. I work for a magazine, I hired her because she’s very competent and can’t believe since then how much we have in common. We’ve been getting closer ever since. At first it didn’t pose a problem because she had a boyfriend. That always makes things easier. But they broke up in March, which is when we started getting closer. I knew I was headed for trouble as she’s way out of my league. Very pretty, outgoing - almost excentric, charismatic, very active, almost hyper, very party-oriented. 23. I’m 31, slightly overweight, rather introvert altough I always speak my mind. Been single for 4 years and it probably shows. I also have dysthimia, which is a mild but permanent form of depression. After 5 years of therapy and 3 years on medication I believe I can control it but whenever I drink a little too much (we hang out at bars a lot) or feel more depressed than usual I tend to let my low self-confidence show. Damn that. I really try not to but it happens.
So obviously from the start I figured “there’s no way she’d be interested in me” so I tried to resist. But she’s always been very agressive in her contacts with me. There was a time we were exchanging long emails daily. Then it was chatting on MSN/g-mail for 4-5 hours every other day. Then it was daily phone conversations. Then it came to us visiting each other pretty damn often, although at that stage it got clear that I was only a friend to her so I started to pull the breaks...somewhat.
Why I didn’t try to make a move? At first, when I first started inviting her out, she had only been recently employed at the magazine and she was quite enthusiastic about this new experience. She gave me what I believed were signs of interests (she came over to my house after a show, we chatted up until 4 in the morning and then she laid her head on my kitchen table quitely for a while, as if she were waiting for me to invite her to stay) but at the time not ony was she in serious rebound mode, me making a move on her so soon after she started working for me didn’t seem really fair/apropriate. For all I knew she was just really into her new job. Anyway, I opted to wait. Then at some party she got really drunk and started getting very affectionate. She’d hug me constantly, kiss me everywhere but on the mouth, saying she loved me, that I was special, that I was her role model. We were sitting on a couch and she was laying on my lap, I was sure she was about to be sick so I encouraged her to stand up. Then she went dancing. When I tried to dance with her, she’d go away and dance with some other guys. Then I just left. Two days later, when I tried to discuss what she had said that night, she couldn’t remember a thing. I told her she said some pretty troubling things to me but she said “When I’m drunk I tell everyone I love them.”
At that point, from seeing her around other guys, it did become pretty clear that she is indeed very affectionate towards all boys she is friends with. Especially when drunk. Obviously now I don’t take her displays of affection for me for signs of interest. When she comes to my house she doesn’t stay very long, mostly because of her being allergic to my cat. Every time I go to her house I stay until 4-5 in the morning cause neither of us sees the time fly. When we watch movies, we sit on different couches. She never tries to get closer to me and as it her house, I don’t feel like making a move there.
Anyway from the start she’s been telling me about her past relationships, not dwelling on them, just sharing stories. Now we’re at that point where she’s telling me about guys she’s into (the horror). She mostly calls me on Sundays and weeknights, never to go out like she used to. I understand why: I learned she’s screwing this other musician guy. I don’t think they’re going out, just screw buddies. In any case it’s official I’ve been LJBF’ed...again. I’ve known it for a while, it’s just clearer now.
Man, after some pretty hard experiences 5-6 years ago I SWORE I would never put myself in that position again but it did happen. I really thought I had to take it slow on her, that eventually we’d be together but it now looks like it’s not gonna happen. Not unless I change a lot (i.e. lose weight, become more self-confident). Which I am determined to do. Not necessarily for her, just to never have to live that again. I can’t count the times I’ve had to go through it and at this point in my life I just can’t.
What I can’t do either is cut her off completely. For two reasons. First, she works for me. I can’t fire her cause she’s too good, and that’s not the desperate AFC talking. I wish she weren’t, really... that would make my life a lot simpler. Second: the one time I did cut off a girl like that, I ended up regretting it. You see, with my condition (dysthimia), I tend to see the more negative aspects of life and block the positive. In retrospect I think the one time I did cut a girl off was a mistake. She was a close friend too, like almost all the girls I’ve ever been in love with. Instead of suffering seeing her with other men but consoling myself with her friendship, I saw her with other men (what people need to remember is how small a city can be) and consoled myself with sweet nothing. Dammit, I just need some postivity in my life. This new girl brought me plenty... Since I’ve met her, I’ve started going out again, I’ve become more positive. Yes, I do realize my ultimate mistake/weakness is finding this because of her, instead of finding all this by myself. And that there probably is no fullfilling sentimental relationship ahead of me before I can do just that. But all in all, while I’ve had a pretty crappy lovelife, I find the episodes that hurt the most are the ones I couldn’t keep anything from, the ones where nothing remains. Platonic girl-boy friendships at my age are immensely frustrating, but at least they’re something I can take with me.
SO... Now that I’ve realized that I’ve once again been the biggest AFC on earth, that I’m going nowhere with this but that despite all that I would still like to keep, eventually, when I can stand it, the friendship, what can I do? I started keeping a certain distance. Over the past 2 weeks it’s been relatively easy as I was buried in loads of work and she knew it. Last weekend she invited me over for dinner and I refused. Then she got very public about her missing me. She’s mentionning it on her MySpace page, she moved me up second in her top-whatever. We had to speak a few times this week and even see each other for work-related matters. On Thursday we spent all night working together (had to). On Friday she invited me to a party that night. I refused (I was tired as hell from the night before). Then later I get an email saying she loves me (in her own usual I love everybody way), that she loves working with me, that I’ve seen her in her worst times and asking when are we gonna see each other than profesionnally again.
I didn’t reply to that one. That’s where I don’t know how to react anymore. Now I don’t have the work excuse. Part of me just wants to tell her how hard it is for me to have to be just friends, that I’m going crazy and that it’s time put some kind of distance between us. Another part of me just wants to hang out with her and have fun like we normally do together. Another part wants to be the strong guy who doesn’t budge or say anything, ride into the sunset, go work out a little, “spin plates”, work on himself (more self-confidence) and come back later a changed man.
The real me would like to go for option #1, but I know at this point (from reading this site over the years) that this would be like re-signing a death sentence I believe I’ve already been handed numerous times anyway. I’m definitely gonna go mad if I go for #2 and #3 will obviously take a long time. At some point she’s gonna ask why I’m pushing her away... This will make our work relationship awkward and I’m risking losing her friendship.
I’d like to this casually, lightly, and for once in my life not make a huge drama out of a situation that remains totally devastating for me. Somehow I think it doesn’t need to be... how can I make it so and still be myself?
Thanks for the advice!
I’ve been totally love with a friend/colleague of mine for the past 3-4 months (yes, one-itis). Met her in February, we became friends and colleagues pretty much at the same time. I work for a magazine, I hired her because she’s very competent and can’t believe since then how much we have in common. We’ve been getting closer ever since. At first it didn’t pose a problem because she had a boyfriend. That always makes things easier. But they broke up in March, which is when we started getting closer. I knew I was headed for trouble as she’s way out of my league. Very pretty, outgoing - almost excentric, charismatic, very active, almost hyper, very party-oriented. 23. I’m 31, slightly overweight, rather introvert altough I always speak my mind. Been single for 4 years and it probably shows. I also have dysthimia, which is a mild but permanent form of depression. After 5 years of therapy and 3 years on medication I believe I can control it but whenever I drink a little too much (we hang out at bars a lot) or feel more depressed than usual I tend to let my low self-confidence show. Damn that. I really try not to but it happens.
So obviously from the start I figured “there’s no way she’d be interested in me” so I tried to resist. But she’s always been very agressive in her contacts with me. There was a time we were exchanging long emails daily. Then it was chatting on MSN/g-mail for 4-5 hours every other day. Then it was daily phone conversations. Then it came to us visiting each other pretty damn often, although at that stage it got clear that I was only a friend to her so I started to pull the breaks...somewhat.
Why I didn’t try to make a move? At first, when I first started inviting her out, she had only been recently employed at the magazine and she was quite enthusiastic about this new experience. She gave me what I believed were signs of interests (she came over to my house after a show, we chatted up until 4 in the morning and then she laid her head on my kitchen table quitely for a while, as if she were waiting for me to invite her to stay) but at the time not ony was she in serious rebound mode, me making a move on her so soon after she started working for me didn’t seem really fair/apropriate. For all I knew she was just really into her new job. Anyway, I opted to wait. Then at some party she got really drunk and started getting very affectionate. She’d hug me constantly, kiss me everywhere but on the mouth, saying she loved me, that I was special, that I was her role model. We were sitting on a couch and she was laying on my lap, I was sure she was about to be sick so I encouraged her to stand up. Then she went dancing. When I tried to dance with her, she’d go away and dance with some other guys. Then I just left. Two days later, when I tried to discuss what she had said that night, she couldn’t remember a thing. I told her she said some pretty troubling things to me but she said “When I’m drunk I tell everyone I love them.”
At that point, from seeing her around other guys, it did become pretty clear that she is indeed very affectionate towards all boys she is friends with. Especially when drunk. Obviously now I don’t take her displays of affection for me for signs of interest. When she comes to my house she doesn’t stay very long, mostly because of her being allergic to my cat. Every time I go to her house I stay until 4-5 in the morning cause neither of us sees the time fly. When we watch movies, we sit on different couches. She never tries to get closer to me and as it her house, I don’t feel like making a move there.
Anyway from the start she’s been telling me about her past relationships, not dwelling on them, just sharing stories. Now we’re at that point where she’s telling me about guys she’s into (the horror). She mostly calls me on Sundays and weeknights, never to go out like she used to. I understand why: I learned she’s screwing this other musician guy. I don’t think they’re going out, just screw buddies. In any case it’s official I’ve been LJBF’ed...again. I’ve known it for a while, it’s just clearer now.
Man, after some pretty hard experiences 5-6 years ago I SWORE I would never put myself in that position again but it did happen. I really thought I had to take it slow on her, that eventually we’d be together but it now looks like it’s not gonna happen. Not unless I change a lot (i.e. lose weight, become more self-confident). Which I am determined to do. Not necessarily for her, just to never have to live that again. I can’t count the times I’ve had to go through it and at this point in my life I just can’t.
What I can’t do either is cut her off completely. For two reasons. First, she works for me. I can’t fire her cause she’s too good, and that’s not the desperate AFC talking. I wish she weren’t, really... that would make my life a lot simpler. Second: the one time I did cut off a girl like that, I ended up regretting it. You see, with my condition (dysthimia), I tend to see the more negative aspects of life and block the positive. In retrospect I think the one time I did cut a girl off was a mistake. She was a close friend too, like almost all the girls I’ve ever been in love with. Instead of suffering seeing her with other men but consoling myself with her friendship, I saw her with other men (what people need to remember is how small a city can be) and consoled myself with sweet nothing. Dammit, I just need some postivity in my life. This new girl brought me plenty... Since I’ve met her, I’ve started going out again, I’ve become more positive. Yes, I do realize my ultimate mistake/weakness is finding this because of her, instead of finding all this by myself. And that there probably is no fullfilling sentimental relationship ahead of me before I can do just that. But all in all, while I’ve had a pretty crappy lovelife, I find the episodes that hurt the most are the ones I couldn’t keep anything from, the ones where nothing remains. Platonic girl-boy friendships at my age are immensely frustrating, but at least they’re something I can take with me.
SO... Now that I’ve realized that I’ve once again been the biggest AFC on earth, that I’m going nowhere with this but that despite all that I would still like to keep, eventually, when I can stand it, the friendship, what can I do? I started keeping a certain distance. Over the past 2 weeks it’s been relatively easy as I was buried in loads of work and she knew it. Last weekend she invited me over for dinner and I refused. Then she got very public about her missing me. She’s mentionning it on her MySpace page, she moved me up second in her top-whatever. We had to speak a few times this week and even see each other for work-related matters. On Thursday we spent all night working together (had to). On Friday she invited me to a party that night. I refused (I was tired as hell from the night before). Then later I get an email saying she loves me (in her own usual I love everybody way), that she loves working with me, that I’ve seen her in her worst times and asking when are we gonna see each other than profesionnally again.
I didn’t reply to that one. That’s where I don’t know how to react anymore. Now I don’t have the work excuse. Part of me just wants to tell her how hard it is for me to have to be just friends, that I’m going crazy and that it’s time put some kind of distance between us. Another part of me just wants to hang out with her and have fun like we normally do together. Another part wants to be the strong guy who doesn’t budge or say anything, ride into the sunset, go work out a little, “spin plates”, work on himself (more self-confidence) and come back later a changed man.
The real me would like to go for option #1, but I know at this point (from reading this site over the years) that this would be like re-signing a death sentence I believe I’ve already been handed numerous times anyway. I’m definitely gonna go mad if I go for #2 and #3 will obviously take a long time. At some point she’s gonna ask why I’m pushing her away... This will make our work relationship awkward and I’m risking losing her friendship.
I’d like to this casually, lightly, and for once in my life not make a huge drama out of a situation that remains totally devastating for me. Somehow I think it doesn’t need to be... how can I make it so and still be myself?
Thanks for the advice!
