Waiter Hits on Wife

[Newlywedbro]

Bros. I need advice. I'm a newly-wed and struggling.

Some background... My wife and I dated 4 years. We've been married about 9 months. She's pretty and outgoing and can sometimes come across as a flirt, which I attribute to her being the only girl in her family and a bit of a tomboy.

The problem I need help with is this: We went out for dinner to an Italian restaurant and it felt like her and the waiter were flirting. I don't know how to respond because I don't want to come across as jealous or a control freak.

One problem in our marriage has been that she has never seemed to be able to recognize when a guy is hitting on her or how some of her conduct comes across as leading on or flirtatious. When we went out to this Italian restaurant, she told the waiter (a dude about my age in his late 20s) that he looked familiar. She asked him some background questions and from his reaction, he seemed to take her inquiry as interest in him which, in my opinion, he appeared to return.

He barely acknowledged me after that, and I could tell from his body language and communication that he he was interested in her. For example, when she said she worked at a nail salon, he replied that he didn't ever really go to a place like that but would like to have a manicure. **** like that kept popping up throughout the conversation. In my opinion, she also asked too many questions that would easily be mistaken for interest. She asked where he went to uni, where he went to school, where he worked, and more. I get that if she genuinely thinks he looks familiar, she would ask questions. But at the same time, I can't blame him for thinking she might be interested if she's asking so many questions. I feel like I would have been aware of this line of thinking, but she doesn't seem to.

Long story short. She shared where she works out, where she works, and it just bothers me knowing that if the tables were turned, if I had prompted a conversation with a female waitress who had said some of the stuff the dude had said, my wife would probably have already angrily accused me of flirting and it would have devolved into a fight.

So here I am. 4am, can't ****ing sleep because I don't know how to talk to her about this without coming across as jealous or controlling. But it bother me and I want to be able to talk to her about anything, as my wife, with no secrets. And if the situation were reversed, I would want her to tell me because I wouldn't want her to feel upset and bottle it. I also feel disrespected knowing that the waiter didn't seem to give a **** that he was flirty even though I was right there. I'm frustrated that my wife can be so jealous of the smallest interactions I have, or assume a woman is hitting on me, but she can't seem to see when she is leading on or recognize when a dude is flirting.

I know talking to her will end in a fight, which is another problem. I come from a family that really communicated and my parents were staunch Christian, so married boundaries were strict and standards were high. But I'm not religious anymore. I don't believe quite the same as my parents, but my wife's parents didn't show good communication and never conveyed specific marriage boundaries and standards. So on one hand the role models I had were too strict and my wife's role models didn't really role model. So we're struggling to define healthy boundaries and standards of expectations. Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks for reading this. I know it's long and I appreciate it.

 

[Xenom0rph]

One problem in our marriage has been that she has never seemed to be able to recognize when a guy is hitting on her or how some of her conduct comes across as leading on or flirtatious. and I appreciate it.

I'm calling BS on this. Women play dumb, act sweet and innocent like they dont know their behaviour is sending out s3xual messsages, the truth is women know d@mn well when a guy is hitting on them and they are well aware that certain actions from them will lead a guy on.

The reason why attractive women act flirtatious is because it gives them a sense of validation and social worth. Women LOVE the attention they get from random guys flirting with them.

If it were me, i would straight up tell her tgat I dont like her flirting with random guys and i wouldnt care if it makes me look like a jealous prick, but thats just how i roll. I would caution you to be careful, if she knows jealousy is your weakness she may use it as a manipulation tool, weigh your options.

In regards to handling the waiter, I would have made it a point of reminding him he's chump waiter working for chump wages and disrespecting him right to his face by saying:

"Hey waitor, come take my order."

"Hey, left you a $5 tip bro, great service, keep reaching for the stars"

Disrespect him the same way he disrespected you. I know its too late now, but keep it in mind for next time.

 

[Medina]

Your girl sounds really, really confident. What's her number? Just kidding

I would be annoyed too, but any action you take should have been dealt with on the night (not a week later) by either dominating your woman, or dominating your competition (i.e. the waiter)

You're right, you don't want to come across as jealous- but you want to be RESPECTED. Big difference.

 

[Xenom0rph]

Actually here's a good story that might illustrate how to put uppity chumps in their place:

At my gym there's a door greeter that likes to flirt with all the women. He's good-looking guy but tries too hard to be Mr Alpha Male. Part of his job responsibilities is to clean up the bathrooms. One day as i entered he made a snide comment to me about my sweater in an attempt to impress some of the female staff. I said to him:

"Remember to scrub those toilets clean bro. If i see them dirty I'm reporting you to your manager. And I'll take pictures of it and post them on the gym's FB page. Get moving, son..."

Lol his face turned redder than the Chinese flag and the female staff smirked at him cause they knew he got cut down in 2 seconds....

Dumb little punk never dared to mouth off again.

You should do something like that next time you feel disrespected.

 

[Robert28]

I had a waiter write my then girlfriends name in sauce on a plate onetime and bring it out to her. I laughed at it because I was like “this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen”. All night he’d ask if she needed anything else but basically ignored me. That was fine because on a $83 check he got 0 for a tip.lol

 

[Newlywedbro]

I appreciate the input my bros, but I'm not looking for advice on how to alpha other dudes. I'm good with that, which is how I got her. And I could have very easily put the waiter in his place, though not without putting her in her place, too, because she started and continued to prompt the conversation. I know I can never stop gaming her, because girls can't help playing the game. But for ****sake, it can't be the same game after marriage. There has to be a clearer understanding of what's appropriate and acceptable. I can game a girl and **** her and call her my girlfriend, but I need trust if my marriage is going to survive 50 years. Otherwise why the **** do we bother to get married? I just don't know what those appropriate boundaries and healthy expectations should be...

 

[Newlywedbro]

Yeah, women never know when they flirt. Seems legit.



She informed him where he can meet her in front of you. What else is there to be understood?

Right? I believe she really did think he looked familiar, but the fact that she provides this personal information and doesn't see it as leading him on or telegraphing interest is what makes me go dafuk?!

 

[Focal core]

If you can't man up, reach into your pants and find your balls dude.. From what I can see she's already in control of the relationship. The only way is you must command the respect from your wife, set boundaries, its the only way you survive this relationship, shes playing with your insecurities, tells her straight away you didn't like being cucks and treated your feelings like a chopped liver, if it's going to started a fight because of telling her that, left the house for a vacations alone treat yourself good and only return if she reach out min 3 days, if she don't there's no point to return, your r/s is already dead and you should accept that, some women treated marriage is a new beginning, some treated it like and endgame, closed the candy shop and the sweet girl you knew are gone.

 

[sosousage]

I'm calling BS on this. Women play dumb, act sweet and innocent like they dont know their behaviour is sending out s3xual messsages, the truth is women know d@mn well when a guy is hitting on them and they are well aware that certain actions from them will lead a guy on.

The reason why attractive women act flirtatious is because it gives them a sense of validation and social worth. Women LOVE the attention they get from random guys flirting with them.

If it were me, i would straight up tell her tgat I dont like her flirting with random guys and i wouldnt care if it makes me look like a jealous prick, but thats just how i roll. I would caution you to be careful, if she knows jealousy is your weakness she may use it as a manipulation tool, weigh your options.

In regards to handling the waiter, I would have made it a point of reminding him he's chump waiter working for chump wages and disrespecting him right to his face by saying:

"Hey waitor, come take my order."

"Hey, left you a $5 tip bro, great service, keep reaching for the stars"

Disrespect him the same way he disrespected you. I know its too late now, but keep it in mind for next time.

ofc, all women love flirt

 

[KarmaSutra]

She knew precisely what she was doing, whom she was doing it with, and didn't give a flying fvck about what you thought. She's still in her slag phase brother. You have to acknowledge what she did, then you need to hold her a$$ accountable. The most effective way to do this is to flip it around. Next time you go out make it a point to find the hottest waitress then demand you both sit in her section. Flirt your heart out. Disregard your old lady's open maw. She'll steam and fold her arms in defense, but do not waiver. Come just shy of blowing the back of head out with your load.

Her little hamster will spin for years trying to catch up.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I agree. You must know her well enough.

Nobody wants some annoying guy orbiting them whilst they eat.

You should have just cut the evening short with her imo.

I would have tried to salvage my Saturday evening by getting on the phone and seeing what's going on elsewhere. If nothing much, then home and Playstation or whatever.

Just tell her you (not necessarily "we") are going to wherever else.

Im not one for tit for tats but the massively flirt female waitresses sounds good. Thr wife acts like she's attention starved and im sure she gets plenty.

 

[synergy1]

"she has never seemed to be able to recognize when a guy is hitting on her"

Do you actually believe this? Seems like all the women I know are always aware when women hit on their boyfriends. But when it comes to them, do you honestly believe they would play dumb? I would be calling out this BS if it bothered me.

 

[Mazer]

You've dated her 4 years, you know she is a "flirt", yet you married her. THAT is the real problem, which, in my opinion, has everything to do with you.

My advice (and this is not for the weak hearted):

The next time you're out, and she starts flirting, stand up and say, "Our date is over. I'm going home." Then walk out, (without paying for your food or drink), get in your car, and drive home. Do not say a word to anyone explaining or defending or apologizing for your action.

If she follows you out, congrats. You just became a real man in her eyes. Expect her to be pissed angry etc. but say/explain/apologize for nothing.

If she doesn't follow you out, congrats. You just became a real man. Expect to feel confidence and strength.

I’m certain these issues existed well before their marriage and he chose to ignore them.

Do a better job of screening your women. I would ignore for now until it becomes reoccurring. I would flirt with other women as well. Also plan for an exit strategy.

 

[highSpeed]

Bros. I need advice. I'm a newly-wed and struggling.

Some background... My wife and I dated 4 years. We've been married about 9 months. She's pretty and outgoing and can sometimes come across as a flirt, which I attribute to her being the only girl in her family and a bit of a tomboy.

The problem I need help with is this: We went out for dinner to an Italian restaurant and it felt like her and the waiter were flirting. I don't know how to respond because I don't want to come across as jealous or a control freak.

One problem in our marriage has been that she has never seemed to be able to recognize when a guy is hitting on her or how some of her conduct comes across as leading on or flirtatious. When we went out to this Italian restaurant, she told the waiter (a dude about my age in his late 20s) that he looked familiar. She asked him some background questions and from his reaction, he seemed to take her inquiry as interest in him which, in my opinion, he appeared to return.

He barely acknowledged me after that, and I could tell from his body language and communication that he he was interested in her. For example, when she said she worked at a nail salon, he replied that he didn't ever really go to a place like that but would like to have a manicure. **** like that kept popping up throughout the conversation. In my opinion, she also asked too many questions that would easily be mistaken for interest. She asked where he went to uni, where he went to school, where he worked, and more. I get that if she genuinely thinks he looks familiar, she would ask questions. But at the same time, I can't blame him for thinking she might be interested if she's asking so many questions. I feel like I would have been aware of this line of thinking, but she doesn't seem to.

Long story short. She shared where she works out, where she works, and it just bothers me knowing that if the tables were turned, if I had prompted a conversation with a female waitress who had said some of the stuff the dude had said, my wife would probably have already angrily accused me of flirting and it would have devolved into a fight.

So here I am. 4am, can't ****ing sleep because I don't know how to talk to her about this without coming across as jealous or controlling. But it bother me and I want to be able to talk to her about anything, as my wife, with no secrets. And if the situation were reversed, I would want her to tell me because I wouldn't want her to feel upset and bottle it. I also feel disrespected knowing that the waiter didn't seem to give a **** that he was flirty even though I was right there. I'm frustrated that my wife can be so jealous of the smallest interactions I have, or assume a woman is hitting on me, but she can't seem to see when she is leading on or recognize when a dude is flirting.

I know talking to her will end in a fight, which is another problem. I come from a family that really communicated and my parents were staunch Christian, so married boundaries were strict and standards were high. But I'm not religious anymore. I don't believe quite the same as my parents, but my wife's parents didn't show good communication and never conveyed specific marriage boundaries and standards. So on one hand the role models I had were too strict and my wife's role models didn't really role model. So we're struggling to define healthy boundaries and standards of expectations. Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks for reading this. I know it's long and I appreciate it.

So first off, sorry man, that you have to put up with this garbage. That's the first step in cheating, especially if she does it right in front of you. She might as well cut off your balls and put them in her purse. She's trying to cuck you my friend, believe it. She told him where she works and where she goes to the gym? I'll bet you like a million f*cking dollars he shows up at that gym or is at least considering it. And anyways, even if you could cling to it simply being a harmless conversation, why in the f*ck would she tell him where she worked and where she works out at? It's like asking him to go one of those places and continue the flirting, among other things. If you had a conversation about work, you could tell someone what you do by why tell them where you work? You could have a conversation about working out but why tell him where you work out? Because you want him to come to one of those places and do God knows what as many times as she wants without you knowing. She might as well have given him her number.

I'm going to agree with some of the other posters on this thread, look man, you knew what she was like before you married her. Tough pill to swallow since you are now married to her but the thing is, you don't have kids yet. I'd seriously think twice before you had kids with her and I'd seriously use this year or so to really consider whether or not you want to stay with her. Difficult to do right, to consider chucking her after being with her this long but be honest, no matter what you say or do about this or otherwise, is grinding it out and driving yourself crazy like this worth it?

Do you honestly think that she is going to wake up one of these mornings, whether you say something or not and think to herself, "Wow, what a rude, inconsiderate, self centered, terrible and b*tchy wife I am. These are the exact kinds of women I've complained about for years. I've treated my wonderful husband terribly by doing this. You know what, I'm going to never do that again and while I'm at it, I'm going to bring home one of my hot girlfriends and let my husband bang us both to make up for it. I bet a good double ******* would be a great start in making up for this." Spoiler alert, she's not going to do that, any of it.

You don't have kids, alimony wouldn't really apply here, maybe a slight bit but honestly, not much, you're clear at this point. No real monetary damage, no emotional attachment through kids, this thing is still way in your control, especially if you work it right.

I'd feel no real problem in simply bringing this to her, logically and honestly, letting her know that if this is going to continue to be what you have to put up with, you're not going to do it. I'd lay out exactly what your expectations are, exactly and that if she's not going to be willing to do those things, you're going to seriously have to consider moving on. I assume you are a good husband, that you do your best to attempt to make your wife happy, listen to her, blah, blah, blah. If she's not doing the same, what the hell are you doing with her?

 

[lamath]

1. Tell the waiter that if he likes your wife so much, to ask for her number. Insist.
.

This is best reaction imo


Amplify.

 

[Glassguy]

You've dated her 4 years, you know she is a "flirt", yet you married her. THAT is the real problem, which, in my opinion, has everything to do with you.

My advice (and this is not for the weak hearted):

The next time you're out, and she starts flirting, stand up and say, "Our date is over. I'm going home." Then walk out, (without paying for your food or drink), get in your car, and drive home. Do not say a word to anyone explaining or defending or apologizing for your action.

If she follows you out, congrats. You just became a real man in her eyes. Expect her to be pissed angry etc. but say/explain/apologize for nothing.

If she doesn't follow you out, congrats. You just became a real man. Expect to feel confidence and strength.

I agree with this.
I also think your wife has shown to be a c0ck wh0re before you married her and you did so anyway.

What you put up with in the beginning WILL get worse with time.

I wouldnt have allowed it to have went on to the point of buying her a ring. Thats for sure. But here you are, married to her and she is still very much aware of what she is doing. And she knows how you feel about it without asking.

I have not had very many disrespectful women that I have even taken on dates. But there have been a few. I have given them the benefit of the doubt by treating them as if they were misbehaving children. One wouldnt stay off her phone. The other was overly flirty with a bartender.

The result for both was this- I went to the bathroom to never return. Both texted me about 10 minutes later "are you ok? Where did you go?". My response to both was "I'm great. On my way home actually. Enjoy your evening. Tell your phone/new bartender friend that I said hello".

Both sent back very angry texts. One stated that she had never been so disrespected on a date in her life. I replied "neither have I, so I left. I have better things to do".

I told both of them that they were not what I was looking for or interested in. Guess what? BOTH wanted to see me again, their treat.

I refused both offers.

You have a decision to make. You can spend the next however many years until you catch her blowing a waiter's c0ck in the bathroom, wondering how she really acts behind your back. The signs of current cheating/potential cheating is all over the wall. You know this already or you would have never written this thread.

Above all, you offered this chick marriage and she is disrespectful. That is something a real man will not tolerate and its something that all women will continue to do to a man that will be willingly treated like a rug. She will also start/continue to lose attraction for you.

Talking to her about this will do no good. It will only provoke a fight. Action is what is needed.

If this is something that she does regularly, get up and walk out the next time. Leave her ass there.

I would be thinking of a good exit strategy to this marriage as well. 9 months is not that long and its better to get away from a disrespectful woman now than waiting another year when you find videos on her phone of some dude railing her......

 

[speed dawg]

I appreciate the input my bros, but I'm not looking for advice on how to alpha other dudes. I'm good with that, which is how I got her. And I could have very easily put the waiter in his place, though not without putting her in her place, too, because she started and continued to prompt the conversation. I know I can never stop gaming her, because girls can't help playing the game. But for ****sake, it can't be the same game after marriage. There has to be a clearer understanding of what's appropriate and acceptable. I can game a girl and **** her and call her my girlfriend, but I need trust if my marriage is going to survive 50 years. Otherwise why the **** do we bother to get married? I just don't know what those appropriate boundaries and healthy expectations should be...

Stop with the denial. I can't believe there wasn't signs of this before. This sounds like a thread we'd see during about a 2-4 month new relationship, not a marriage. She did it because she knew she could. At this point, I think you need to follow Espi's advice, because you can't really play this off smoothly anymore, a little bit at a time, because the time for that is gone. You need a hard reset.

Make no mistake, what you described in the OP is some serious DISRESPECT. It cannot be allowed. Get upset if you want to, but you knew this already or you wouldn't have posted about it.

And no, the Game never stops in marriage. I've been married for 11 years and what I learned on this site is a big reason why. I've seen your type come in here time and time again and type crap like what I quoted above, how you know the game, this and that. Stop, read and apply. The Game never stops, but you have to have it right to begin with, so you don't need these hard resets. Interest Level usually rises or falls slowly, so you've been doing things for years to lower her IL to the point to where she does something like this. You may as, "Well why'd she marry me?" Women will follow through with that for a variety of different reasons, too many to count.

Best thing to do now is start upping your frame immediately. If she overtly disrespects you again, follow Espi's advice. It's possible, I guess, to start Gaming her again and hope for the best, but it's impossible for us to know exactly how much of this has always been going on. From your defensive reaction above, I'm thinking you probably won't tell us the whole truth.

One thing I've noticed, a lot of disrespect occurs simply from the way you carry yourself. If you look like any easy target, you will be one.

 

[Sigma68]

I really respect and love restaurants. But there's something about the sanctity of it being broken that makes me want to wreck one because of the social taboo of doing it. I'd have taken advantage of this situation, beat the bejesus out of him and wrecked the place. How my wife responded I wouldn't really care but it would give her vaildation that I cared.

 

[Sigma68]

Stop with the denial. I can't believe there wasn't signs of this before. This sounds like a thread we'd see during about a 2-4 month new relationship, not a marriage. She did it because she knew she could. At this point, I think you need to follow Espi's advice, because you can't really play this off smoothly anymore, a little bit at a time, because the time for that is gone. You need a hard reset.

Make no mistake, what you described in the OP is some serious DISRESPECT. It cannot be allowed. Get upset if you want to, but you knew this already or you wouldn't have posted about it.

And no, the Game never stops in marriage. I've been married for 11 years and what I learned on this site is a big reason why. I've seen your type come in here time and time again and type crap like what I quoted above, how you know the game, this and that. Stop, read and apply. The Game never stops, but you have to have it right to begin with, so you don't need these hard resets. Interest Level usually rises or falls slowly, so you've been doing things for years to lower her IL to the point to where she does something like this. You may as, "Well why'd she marry me?" Women will follow through with that for a variety of different reasons, too many to count.

Best thing to do now is start upping your frame immediately. If she overtly disrespects you again, follow Espi's advice. It's possible, I guess, to start Gaming her again and hope for the best, but it's impossible for us to know exactly how much of this has always been going on. From your defensive reaction above, I'm thinking you probably won't tell us the whole truth.

One thing I've noticed, a lot of disrespect occurs simply from the way you carry yourself. If you look like any easy target, you will be one.

Gospel!

 

[Bokanovsky]

What the b!tch did is highly disrespectful, and she knows it too. In fact, it sounds like she did it on purpose, to get a reaction out of you. You are right not to blame the waiter...what else is he supposed to do when you wife is blatantly flirting with him? it's his job to be friendly to his customers.

On side note, you married a girl who is a "flirt" and works at a nail salon. WHY ON EARTH???