URGENT. About to break "no contact" with possible BPD ex.

[Delly2000]

How long have you guys been broken up? Who initiated? Did she cheat or want to date others?

Either way. Email her. Be civil and handle your business. Make sure that you have closure. Realize and be sure that she isn't good for you. In time she will get out of your system. And you will meet another girl that (based on ur experience) should be better than the last.

I have to emphasize. No contact does work. But u gotta realize she is no good for you. Then day by day you start thinking about her less and less. You remmember the good times. Then u get tired of thinking about her. Then she turns into a memory or a story for your buddies over a beer.

Its not your fault that she may be BPD or whatever. Thats her battle. I know it sounds harsh but it isn't our job to fix broken women. You will most likely become broken yourself...because ur following her..like Adam did Eve..lol.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

"Looks like a Steven Seagal movie."
ROFL ROFL ROFL

You guys are talking about this movie??
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIxcVzwLR1k

Many heads rolled over there! :crackup:


BTW, once you now how BPD works, you´re a fool to fall for the same tricks again. Watch, watch, watch, and collect all info about her, as soon as they start to take BPD form (hot/cold acts, incongruence, lies, coming strong too soon, etc), you eject! Forewarned is forearmed!
If your ex nutcase gave you a lot of emotion, and you miss that, play some PS3, there are plenty of adventurous games! Or if you prefer drama, watch Woody Allen´s movies! :rockon:

 

[AlexDP]

Not only that but I have come to the conclusion that many of the men on this site are prone to being attracted to these monsters. Nobody replied to my "Narcissists get all the girls thread" but I brought up some very good points, and wouldn't you agree at least %50 of the men on this site could be considered "narcissistic"?

A lot of men on this site can indeed be considered narcissistic and those who cannot at the very least learn gimmicks that make them look narcissistic. Narcissists are incapable of true emotional bonds. They, like borderlines, objectify others. They have a strong ego, but it is a false one and it depends on external factors. Narcissists and borderlines are very much drawn to each other in a logical process:

The borderline wants someone who hurts her. The narcissist does so, by keeping an emotional distance and objectifying the borderline. The narcissist on the other hand wants to feed his false ego. What better way than to find a borderline who will idealise him?

So they will find each other and it will usually go quite well for a couple of months. In general the narcissistic/borderline relationship seems to break down between 4-6 months. Of course it can last longer than that, but it's pretty much the most toxic type of relationship there is. At first it will seem like the narcissist is in control, but the borderline is far more dangerous. The narcissist almost always loses: the borderline leaves him, he suffers a narcissistic injury and to make matters worse, she replaces him within days, another blow to the ego.

Both narcissists and borderlines have low self esteem. This is why the better posters on this site, someone like Pook comes to mind, cannot be considered narcissists.

 

[AlexDP]

I'm working on moving past, but keeping myself open to the possibility of sticking by this girl when she needs the help. So, I'll do my best to make myself available to the possibility.

It's also important, bigneil, to understand the difference between those who "act out" and "act in", specifically determined by which of the four stages their displaying at any given time.

I'm moving on. Banged a couple of chicks in the last few days, but I am interested in continuing my support for her. And I just need to find a way to get myself back into the "split white" from her "split black" way of thinking. It's possible, but it's a long journey. I'm keeping a record, which I was told to do, of times I communicate her after the "split black", and what she does with it.

It's not that I want her back, but I do love the girl for who she is. So, if she's open to re-engaging, I'll give her a fair shot, depending on where she is with her treatment and which stage she's exhibiting during that eventual chat.

She's returning to the area in the next couple of days, so we'll be in touch before then. At the very least, she needs to confirm the information that I sent her in that email. So, I'll try to build conversation past that and subtly arrange a meet.

Any thoughts on that?

Look at what you're doing. You're putting your chance of happiness in the hands of a mentally ill person. She's disordered. Is it possible to be split white again? Of course. It takes time, patience and a bit of experience. Hell, most of the time it just happens without you doing a damn thing. But why would you care? It's not doing you any good.

Because here's the thing: even if you're split white, she could split you black at any given moment. So what does it mean? Nothing at all. And if you're split white she still doesn't love you for who you are. She doesn't know who you are. All she sees is black or white and you are neither.

So do you love her? Pretty unlikely. You hardly know who she is. She mirrors you, then decides to mirror someone else and now she's a completely different person. She doesn't have a personality. The only traits that do come back every time are lying, manipulative, controlling and jealous. Ask yourself what is wrong with you if you love such a person. Because ill or not, SHE IS NOT A GOOD PERSON.

PS: There is indeed a difference between acting in and acting out borderlines, but it hardly matters. Those who are acting in can hurt you just as much. Stay away from her.

 

[Borknagar]

I had a short stint with a BPD once(she literally told me she was diagnosed, so it's not a guess).

Yeah she was whacked out, but a lot of other women I've met and dated did at least share a lot of the same traits as her. Maybe not totally, but enough to say a lot of women may not be full blown BPD but a lot do have the traits. My ex last year that broke up with me had a diagnosed mood disorder of some sort, I never asked much about it, cause I didn't wanna trigger anything, but she was very typical of a lot of the stories I've read on here.

My opinion is yes, BPD may seem like kinda of a cop-out on here in a lot of ways. However those accusing women of having BPD or some other mood/personality/emotional disorder aren't all that far off.

 

[snowdog]

You guys are talking about this movie??
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hIxcVzwLR1k

Many heads rolled over there! :crackup:

LOL no. I was thinking about this movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105690/

I guess he kinda has a natural look to play a cook

 

[Jaylan]

BPD = she didnt like me

 

[AlexDP]

BPD = she didnt like me

Clearly you have no knowledge of the subject at hand. I suggest you keep quiet in the future. Borderlines are all over you when they first meet you. Trust me, this is not about a girl not liking a boy. It is also not about a girl flaking or being indecisive. BPD is something else entirely and you obviously don't know what it is.

 

[Jaylan]

Dude but the term is thrown around on this forum ALL the time, and a few guys in this thread think the diagnosis is because dudes got rejected. So it aint just me. Without a psychology background, who are any of us to diagnose that? Its not like easily diagnosing chicken pox.

I know exactly what the condition is, however, it seems most of the time its not what a lot of guys here experience. It many times is just a girl who got bored and doesnt want you anymore. That or she met someone new and wants to string you both because shes selfish.

 

[joverby]

A lot of men on this site can indeed be considered narcissistic and those who cannot at the very least learn gimmicks that make them look narcissistic. Narcissists are incapable of true emotional bonds. They, like borderlines, objectify others. They have a strong ego, but it is a false one and it depends on external factors. Narcissists and borderlines are very much drawn to each other in a logical process:

The borderline wants someone who hurts her. The narcissist does so, by keeping an emotional distance and objectifying the borderline. The narcissist on the other hand wants to feed his false ego. What better way than to find a borderline who will idealise him?

So they will find each other and it will usually go quite well for a couple of months. In general the narcissistic/borderline relationship seems to break down between 4-6 months. Of course it can last longer than that, but it's pretty much the most toxic type of relationship there is. At first it will seem like the narcissist is in control, but the borderline is far more dangerous. The narcissist almost always loses: the borderline leaves him, he suffers a narcissistic injury and to make matters worse, she replaces him within days, another blow to the ego.

Both narcissists and borderlines have low self esteem. This is why the better posters on this site, someone like Pook comes to mind, cannot be considered narcissists.

Man, this makes me kind of worried I'm narcassistic after my last relationship. Which lasted 5 months. I think you might be familiar with it Alex. Pretty sure you gave me advice.

 

[AlexDP]

Dude but the term is thrown around on this forum ALL the time, and a few guys in this thread think the diagnosis is because dudes got rejected. So it aint just me. Without a psychology background, who are any of us to diagnose that? Its not like easily diagnosing chicken pox.

I know exactly what the condition is, however, it seems most of the time its not what a lot of guys here experience. It many times is just a girl who got bored and doesnt want you anymore. That or she met someone new and wants to string you both because shes selfish.

No. Clearly you don't know what the condition is. Because if you did have a clue, you'd know that the diagnosis isn't all that important. You see, if someone comes here and complains about a BPD ex, he was in a toxic relationship. How do I know? Because something was clearly messed up. Even if it's completely the guy's fault, the relationship was still horrible. If you were in a toxic relationship you need to do two things:

- You need to look at yourself. Why did you start this relationship? Why did you stay in it? In other words: what is wrong with you?
- You need to go NC and let the relationship go.

So you see, whether or not it is 100% certain that the ex is BPD doesn't matter in the slightest. Now read this post and think about it. You can talk to me tomorrow.

 

[AlexDP]

Man, this makes me kind of worried I'm narcassistic after my last relationship. Which lasted 5 months. I think you might be familiar with it Alex. Pretty sure you gave me advice.

Yeah, I gave you some advice. And it's always possible you are a bit narcissistic, I am sure I was too at one point. However there is still a big difference between having narcissistic traits and being NPD. In any case though, you do have to look at yourself and sort of examine your own behaviour in that particular relationship.

For what it's worth: most truly disordered narcissists don't even consider the possibility they're NPD, because they think of themselves as perfect in every possible way. It's a false ego, but one they believe.

 

[joverby]

Yeah, I gave you some advice. And it's always possible you are a bit narcissistic, I am sure I was too at one point. However there is still a big difference between having narcissistic traits and being NPD. In any case though, you do have to look at yourself and sort of examine your own behaviour in that particular relationship.

For what it's worth: most truly disordered narcissists don't even consider the possibility they're NPD, because they think of themselves as perfect in every possible way. It's a false ego, but one they believe.

That is true, you think a full-blown one wouldn't think that. But probably have some traits. Just like a "crazy" person never knows they are crazy.

Your right about having to think about your own choices / actions in these situations. Just like the OP should be. Why I stuck around with her lies and hot/cold acts, is something I have to reflect about. I caught her in a lie like 2 months in(granted not a big one, which made me wonder why she did it to begin with) but it still pretty much immediately fvcked my trust for her.

Which is probably when I should've ejected really. But you live and learn. Shortly after that she started freezing up again. Later caught her in a couple more lies.(Stupid things again.) For me I think it probably boiled down to lack of self esteem / respect which allowed me to put on some blinders and put her on a pedalstool.

It's been a few weeks and I still have to occassionaly remind myself of the bad sh1t when I start feeling bad about it.

 

[Scars]

It's true that most NPD men won't ever admit to it, but the ones that do are the ones that actually EMBRACE it, they LOVE their disorder. Think about it. They finally have an excuse for their actions. (Not that they need one, but it's nice to always have one on the back burner.)

I don't know if I am truly narcissistic or this site just helped me pick up all the qualities of one, but I love the way I am. It finally brings light to everything I ever wondered about myself. When I finally started reading up on the disorder it was like reading a playback of my life over and over. I haven't just dated one "toxic" girl in my life, I have a long history of them. What's funny is that I didn't start my "introspection" until my last BPD ex. (Probably the craziest one of them all.) But through her, I learned a lot of things about myself. Good AND bad. Although, very hard to admit, I still acknowledge them, just not to the outside world.

Quite frankly, I blame it on my mother. I actually truly fvcking hate her, and it explains my mysoginy and my apathy towards woman. Add a few adolescent heartbreaks to the equation, filled with cheating, physical abuse, and immature vandalism, and no wonder why I have such a god awful view of woman. I am a magnet to these monsters.

I've just learned to embrace it. Neither me nor these woman know what "true" love is. So why not make the most of it?

Now that I understand it a bit more I feel absolutely NO guilt whatsoever. When I got "unplugged" to the Matrix I still carried a bit of shame with me, and would sometimes feel bad just fvcking woman over, and I would rationalize it with "well, they do it to us. fair game". I feel like this is my second "unplugging". I truly just do not give a fvck. It's also a lot easier to call myself a narcissist when I am accusing the whole board of being the same way. But it's something I truly and honestly believe. We came together for a reason, and we are a lot more similar than you think.

Like I said. This board is a cesspool of narcissists and male borderlines, and if they aren't now they soon will be. These gimmicks only teach you the ways of the narcissist. Adopt them into your life and you start attracting toxic woman, and as we know, borderlines can leave deep everlasting scars and PTSD's that you will carry for the rest of your life. Dating a BPD woman truly CHANGES who you are, whether you like it or not.

-Scars

 

[Jaylan]

^Things are not as grim as you make them seem bro.

But hell, you are only 21. Though I am only just about to turn 25, I can tell you that at 21 I was very fresh into the dating game and didnt have the best view of girls. I was very untrusting and still feeling the effects of a past heartbreak.

In time you grow and learn to take things as they come and without all the negative attitude. Life is meant for enjoyment.

And no, your saying the "board is a cesspool of narcissists and male borderlines, and if they aren't now they soon will be" is untrue. You cannot group everyone into your purely negative outlook on things dude. Let go of all that bro, because from your gloom and doom posts it seems like you are a truly unhappy person. And I have come across a good bit of your posting history.

And not to take a dig, but I recall a post where you went into detail about "why I call myself scars". And it just sounded like a hurt emo kid who didnt know how to move on from the past. Think about what self fulfilling prophecies are. I keep a positive attitude and hence my life remains more so positive than negative.

 

[Scars]

^Things are not as grim as you make them seem bro.

But hell, you are only 21. Though I am only just about to turn 25, I can tell you that at 21 I was very fresh into the dating game and didnt have the best view of girls. I was very untrusting and still feeling the effects of a past heartbreak.

In time you grow and learn to take things as they come and without all the negative attitude. Life is meant for enjoyment.

And no, your saying the "board is a cesspool of narcissists and male borderlines, and if they aren't now they soon will be" is untrue. You cannot group everyone into your purely negative outlook on things dude. Let go of all that bro, because from your gloom and doom posts it seems like you are a truly unhappy person. And I have come across a good bit of your posting history.

And not to take a dig, but I recall a post where you went into detail about "why I call myself scars". And it just sounded like a hurt emo kid who didnt know how to move on from the past. Think about what self fulfilling prophecies are. I keep a positive attitude and hence my life remains more so positive than negative.

Don't get me wrong. I am all about positivity. It's one thing I do stress in a lot of the advice I give. But on these boards I can sometimes ramble and go on with a close introspection of myself. A lot of things I admit on these boards, I would never share to my friends in real life.

I actually live a pretty awesome life. I really have nothing to complain about. I'm known for my wild and careless escapades, and people usually come to me when they want a good time. But you are right, I am unhappy. But it's the same kind of unhappiness as everyone else felt when they first got "unplugged" to the Matrix. Just imagine being told something over and over sense birth, and anyone and everyone enforces this same belief. The belief that woman are angels. They won't cheat on you. That there ARE "good girls" out there, you just got to find them. When you get unplugged, your realize that is all total bullsh!t. It's not just me. There are 25-50 year old men acknowledging the same thing. So you can't even blame it on age. In fact, most of the most useful knowledge I ever learned was from observing older men. Taking browses through the Mature Man forum, or the fact that I work with older guys 8 hours a day 5 days a week. The same men who "fell in love", and watched their whole world crumble. They had their house, kids, and half of their belongings raped from them. You can call me "doom and gloom", I call it being a realist.

I'm not trying to come off offensive or trying to be a d!ck, I'm just explaining myself. This is how I see the world, and there is no changing that. I'm proud of my scars, thus my name. I took them and ran with them. I look at them everyday and they simply remind me of where I've been and who I've become. They have made me stronger. You may see it as being "emotional", I see it as me maturing and progressing, perhaps even more rapidly than you. Reality is something a lot of people can't handle, thus the phrase "Ignorance is bliss."

-Scars

 

[Johnnyventana]

How do you know if she simply didn't like you versus her having borderline? Easy. The later comes back over and over again. Never really leaving you. The former is gone forever. She's moved on. The BPD will try to re-engage and re-cycle you, over and over. Which, if you don't know what is happening, is a true mind frack.

 

[crazyboy]

I was with my ex-fiance for 5 years.

Psychiatrist diagnosed her with severe depression and cluster B borderline personality disorder about 1 month before we stopped talking and split up. Psychiatrist recommended she take medication, but she was refusing.


So yeah, it's a lot more ****ing common than you think. No need for dumbass remarks like that, it only serves to make other posters feel worse about their breakup, especially since you have no idea about their personal issues.

So basically, shut the **** up and be constructive.

As usual getting emotional of the bpd aspect of this woman. But forgetting the simiple fact he just want to send an email. And he want to triggerr a negative emotion. Also wasn't talking about your situation. But when you read down forum line. all you see bpd this cluster b that. so it make you wonder if half these guys are with this women. again when only ten percent of the general pop has it.

The pharse you was looking for was smart ass remark because it was actual figure you can find on psychatric website about the condition. The contruct part is send the email and get what he needs from her. The reason most you guys look at this crap because it said bpd. It said hey girl i broke up with but i need to send her important email. You wouldn't have 2 pages of crap about bpd. So he should send the email and get what he needs. If he doesn't want to get back with her.

 

[AlexDP]

And no, your saying the "board is a cesspool of narcissists and male borderlines, and if they aren't now they soon will be" is untrue.

Not everyone is of course, but there is some truth to it. It is easy to do a lot of the things this site preaches and become a narcissist. There's a huge difference for example when you're not responding to a text a pretty girl sent you because you're genuinely busy or not responding to make her want you. A lot of people do the latter. This is gameplaying. This is manipulative behaviour and it is something designed to create psychological addiction in the other person. It will work with disordered girls or girls with low self esteem, but ultimately it will always lead to dysfunctional relationships as both people will resort to gameplaying.

So yeah, what you get is pretty much your own fault.

@Scars: that also means that you will end up with the ones who cheat, because you got them with a gimmick that only works on girls who are low quality mentally to begin with.

 

[The_411]

A lot of misinformation in this thread. Does BPD get used when it's not the case, sure. However, it's not something to be minimized. The current estimate of people with BPD is 17.9 million in North America, however that estimate is considered low because one of the hallmarks of BPD is the strong denial mechanism ingrained with those with BPD that there is no problem. After all if you were brought up with certain behavior mechanisms that were consistently reinforced why would you think there was something wrong.

My ex wasn't diagnosed but I knew it to be the case based on her behavior and the medications she was taking, Lamitical and Seroquel etc. Regardless the key isn't the BPD diagnosis but rather is your ex's behavior acceptable and what has she done in the past to you and is that abusive, unaccapble, edgredious, and most important harmful to your personal sanity.

For me I had to into an outpatient psych program. Now I'll admit part of that were my issues but had I not encountered and engaged with my BPD I don't think I would have ever come close to going to an outpatient program. It was a blessing in disguise for me, because it showed me that I was nowhere as nearly disturbed as he others in program some of whom were BPD and cluster B suffers.

As for the OP, it's very likely he was involved with a BPD as his personal history makes it very like he would be drawn to a BPD as people that have had personnal issues in the past are much more likely to attract BPDs.