Unusual $hit Test - LONG POST

[gixxer]

Hey guys,

This is my first post on here and I'm looking forward to contributing a lot to the board as time goes on.

I'm posting a little "situation" I had with a girl a few months ago because it was such an unusual situation and I never hear this type of test get talked about. I'm looking for comments and opinions on what the f@ck was going on here and maybe spare a few other guys the pain of failing a test like this.

So I had been seeing this girl for a few weeks. We clicked right away. Everthing was great. She was always asking when she could see me again, calling me all the time, sending emails and text messages. Just all over me and very affectionate without being smoothering or psycho. Basically, it seemed like we were going to do really well together. We had a lot of fun every time we went out and everything was just flowing - ENTER THE $HIT TEST...........

She had mentioned a bunch of times how important it was that anyone she was with had to get along with her friends. Fine I thought - that's logical. She had also mentioned that her friends were "very tough" on her boyfriends and that they were very protective. I foolishly made light of this warning to myself.

So long story short, we met one of the couples she's friends with out at a bar in New Haven. I was VERY under dressed for the place despite the fact that I asked her what kind of place and what was appropriate to wear. I'm going to let that rest even though I wonder if it was an accident. She had been there before too. Anyway......

So female of the couple meets me and immediately starts acting weird. Fluttering her eyes at me, strange smile, mis-interpreting things I'm saying. I kept going and just tried to make the best of things. Talked to her boyfriend a bit. He was really standoffish and the conversation was strained.

Then the friend (who owns an upscale boutique) tells me I need to come down to her store THIS WEEK and she'll show me all the things my girlfriend wants so I can buy them for her. I was sort of taken back and got a little annoyed and said "I don't buy gifts for women" (I know, not the best thing to say and I could have done much better and I regret it) So the friend is like "no gifts?!?!?!" and then starts going on and we end up getting into a verbal sparring match. She also implied that maybe I couldn't afford to buy the gifts and maybe that was the problem. Then my girlfriend gets between us and yells at me and threatens to leave me at the bar and make me walk home, etc, etc..........

we drive home and on the way my girlfriend tells me she loves me FOR THE FIRST TIME (not sure what that was about) Get home and everything is strained and weird and she has a headache and then wants to cuddle. Then we start arguing and she says "if it makes you feel any better no one has ever passed "the test"

The next day on the phone she says her friend is really pissed and her other friend who heard about it is pissed and is going to give me an "ever harder" time when she meets me. She then tells me that if I can't get along with her friends it's a "deal breaker" I spent the rest of the day really upset and angry and made up my mind to end things that night. And I did. It killed me to do because I really liked her but I DUMPED THE B!TCH THE NEXT DAY.

Those are all the important details although I could probably write 6 more pages on it.

My questions are:

1) Was that whole thing a set up designed to make me "fail" and create drama in general?

2) Was that whole situation totally f'ed up and psycho?

3) If she really cared about me and was a good girl wouldn't she have reassured me that we could put it all behind us and go on instead of having it ramp up into a big issue?'

4) I've never experienced a "third party" test like this. Is this a common thing for women to do and what does the test prove about the guy one way or another?

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Do you remember highschool, in drivers ed when the instructor always told you if you are ever in a skid to turn the car into the skid? Every impulse in your brain tells you to turn with the skid and slam on the breaks, but when you can push down the natural urge to react in an opposite manner and turn into the skid the car rights itself. This is exactly what you ought to do with this b!tch.

Go in the opposite and unpredictable direction. to pass the test you have to fail it. I know that's pretty Zen, but these freaks (this girl included) are attempting to break you, dont let them. Stick to your friggin' guns. Stating that you "don't buy girls gifts" was the closest you came to passing this test. When you knuckle under to this juvenile sh!t and go to this friend's store to buy her ANYTHING that is when you'll be a symp and she and her 'friends' will see you as spineless and weak.

First decide if this childish nonsense is even worth your while - which it arguably is not - and then think obstinate, think resolute. You are the man, prove it! Have the confidence and forebearance to walk away if the situation is anything less than optimal for you. I also assume you haven't slept with this woman yet? So what's the pay off worth by lowering your own self-respect to pander to this silliness that would shame a 12 year old.

 

[NewMan]

1) Was that whole thing a set up designed to make me "fail" and create drama in general?

Who knows - but the question should be - should you care about that? Should you buy in to these games? The answer is no. Your the man - so now you've got to act like one. Don't take this BS from women - be yourself - and if she mentions tests - turn it around on her.

2) Was that whole situation totally f'ed up and psycho?

Totally F'd up. She is setting you up for failure. Look, no one want a BF or GF that doesn't get along with their friends. But doe sthat mean you need to make a big deal about it? - you GF is making a big deal about it, because her friend have control over her decisions. What her friends think is more imp[ortant to her than what she thinks. Do you want to be with someone who is so easily manipulated by people?

3) If she really cared about me and was a good girl wouldn't she have reassured me that we could put it all behind us and go on instead of having it ramp up into a big issue?'

Stop thinking in perfect world scenarios. It's a big issue because her friend control her. see above.

4) I've never experienced a "third party" test like this. Is this a common thing for women to do and what does the test prove about the guy one way or another?[

That if he accepts it, he's a pvvsy.

Then we start arguing and she says "if it makes you feel any better no one has ever passed "the test"

At this point I would have been out the door. B#tch.

 

[gixxer]

I did dump the b!tch. The next day in fact! I think I buried that too deep in the post.

The deal was that gf was pissed at my response about NOT buying gifts. In other words from her perspective I should have taken EVERYTHING that the friends dished out. That's what was f'ed up here - if I took the crap I'm spineless and weak and a WUSS but when I stood up for myself as I did she saw that as wrong.

**She even stated that I was "supposed" take as much crap as her friends gave to prove I cared about her**

I say all taking crap would have done is show that I was a WUSS and lowered her interest.

Sounds like a no win to me because when I pushed back *as we all should when tested* I was accused of being rude and a jerk. It seems like either way I was out before the night got started.

BTW, she made big money and the friends were high rollers too. It could have been as simple as trying to get me down the the shop to see how much money I would toss around. I threw a wrench into that little plan though LOL :crackup:

 

[DrDope]

I think that their behavior is disgraceful. Her friends should have made you feel welcome and have no business giving you any sort of test. Perhaps later she might have asked them if they like you or not, but it certainly shouldn't have been any sort of staged confrontation.

Who does she think she is? No one gives a damn about her or her friends. These people aren't worth your time. They have bad manners and don't know how to behave.

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you but I think once your emotions die down here, you'll be really glad you got yourself out of this one when you did. What a bunch of jerks.

 

[Bonhomme]

Pat yourself on the back

You may have turned away some sex, but you've also turned away years of hell. Let the b1tch find some poor sap to grind into the dirt ...

 

[Jaun_Don]

you did the right thing by walking away **** her and **** her friends that just isnt needed.

 

[So Many Ways]

You made the right decision.

Her friends to some degree are a reflection of her. If her friends are that insane, what does that say about her?

Look at it from that perspective.

 

[sikesalt]

I don't know...this sounds almost like a scam to me. They could of just been using you to buy stuff from the store.

 

[penkitten]

weird ...............
run!

 

[scordate]

what can one say ?

lessons learned;
stay cool, make fun, dont get into arguments, dont get played,

regarding the friends issue;
no its not important that ya'll get along 100 %,
you are the boyfriend and rank higher
sure you and her friends should not be fighting but quiet acceptance is acceptable

you are not joining a group by dating her !

/ scordate

 

[Zeph]

Originally posted by gixxer
She had mentioned a bunch of times how important it was that anyone she was with had to get along with her friends. Fine I thought - that's logical. She had also mentioned that her friends were "very tough" on her boyfriends and that they were very protective. I foolishly made light of this warning to myself.

Just my two cents: The **** test was not whether or not you got along with them, but that you put up with it at all. Whenever possible, read the pre-supposition. In this case it was "You have to please my friends to please me". I might have flipped it around "No, you and your friends have to please me, or you will get dumped."

It could look something like this:

She: It's really important that my friends approve of you.

You: It's more important that I approve of your friends. If they turn out to be whack jobs, or boring, or if I don't like them, that's proof to me that you don't have good relationship qualification skills. If your friends suck, I know that you probably don't have the wherewithal to understand the value I bring, and I'm better off finding someone smarter than you.

Originally posted by gixxer
So female of the couple meets me and immediately starts acting weird. Fluttering her eyes at me, strange smile, mis-interpreting things I'm saying. I kept going and just tried to make the best of things. Talked to her boyfriend a bit. He was really standoffish and the conversation was strained.

... gifts...

You: Hey, woman. (Nod your head sideways towards the weird couple with a WTF face)

Are they usually like this?

...gifts...

Not "I don't buy women gifts" but "Why on earth would I buy her a gift?!"

Put them on the defensive and get them to justify why you should give them what they want, as opposed to justifying to them.

The approach of unspoken presupposition flipping usually works well for me. The pre-supposition is ALWAYS that THEY are selling themselves to ME.

As I said, two cents in a situation that where I don't know the parties, or details, etc...

BTW: Sounds like dumping her was an excellent move, IMO.

 

[gixxer]

Zeph,

Great response. I appreciate it. Now to be able to frame things the way you explained naturally, congruently AND completey automatically. I'm getting there.........

The other take I have on this after listening to David Ds Mastery Series is that they were subjecting me to SOCIAL PRESSURE. The idea being that someone of high social status would have handled everything very gracefully and not gotten sucked into fighting with the b!tchy friend. Think James Bond or Arnold in True Lies...

If I could do it over again, I would have handled it very gracefully and passsed her test perfectly and then dumped her for testing like that in the first place.

The main problem here was that I FELL for the little hooker and that's what messed me up. If I didn't like her I wouldn't have even agreed to meet friends in the first place. NEVER AGAIN! I'm pimpin for life! This was a needed wake up call........

gixx

 

[Zeph]

Originally posted by gixxer
Now to be able to frame things the way you explained naturally, congruently AND completey automatically. I'm getting there...

I can understand, there are times where I forget. The real trick is not trying to come up with the right words to create that effect, but to genuinely realize your own value, so that when you get shmit tested, it's simply a natural response. It's about being, rather than doing.

Let's use the following example: You are walking down the street, freshly showered, wearing your best clothes and getting out of a really nice car--generally having a good day and feeling good about yourself. You are going to meet your favourite buddy to do something you've been looking forward to for some time. As you turn the corner, some smelly, shabby old toothless bag lady looks at you, screws up her face and spits out "You stink!".

What's your natural response? Do you struggle to come up with some sort of "I'm the Alpha" response?

How do you handle some insistent, obnoxious but harmless old vagrant when you are looking forward to your pal's company? Do you simply look at her, then ignore her while moving on, or do you pick a fight?

I bet you just walk on, shake your head. Same thing. Want to know what a REAL Alpha response is (and this is based on your feeling good)? To be able to be generous with her after her behaviour; to smile kindly, perhaps even sympathetically. When you are that big on the inside, when you can actually take the time (and have the skill) to make her feel good about herself, even after she's just spit at you, then you ARE James Bond.

Originally posted by gixxer
The main problem here was that I FELL for the little hooker and that's what messed me up. If I didn't like her I wouldn't have even agreed to meet friends in the first place. NEVER AGAIN! I'm pimpin for life! This was a needed wake up call...

Did you FALL for her, or did you just start to attach yourself to her? I bet what really happened is that it bruised your ego. You felt attacked, humiliated, then you spent a bunch of time hashing it over in your mind, while probably beating yourself up. Did you at anytime think or feel that her attention made you better, more worthy, or just feeling better about yourself in general? Then you got the big take-away and you felt like carp. (None of US have ever felt that way, here, have we?! )

It's totally cool to fall for a chick that is really worthwhile. I find that it enriches my life tremendously, just like having really cool guy friends, older friends, kid friends. The trick is to be able to dig them, and even love them, but to be so OK in yourself that you can walk away with little more than a sense of disappointment, rather than a raging internal storm.

The trick again, is how you value yourself. I think DeAngelo calls it "having inner-game". That means really being at peace with who you are, as you are. That, Amigo, is a lifetime's journey, and the most worthwhile of all.

When you think that way (and you will more and more) you won't have to think up ****y and funny lines, or think about frames, and presuppositions. Learning about it all, though, and practicing them is certainly one path to learning to embody your strong sense of self.

Again, my two cents.

 

[DrDope]

Excellent post, Zeph. You are a great asset to this board.

 

[JohnJones]

Dozens of DJs on the board are clapping for how you set her down and walked away.

 

[gixxer]

That makes me feel really good JJ. To be fair she did start calling me that week and there was a lot of talking and BS. So I didn't just cut it clean like I should have, but, yeah, the bottom line is I dumped her the next day and stayed away untll my feelings settled down. She even got to see my profile back up on match the next week. She sent me hate mail LOL

I knew to dump her because I got ROLLED by a B!tch a few years ago in a relationship and I saw a lot of the same behavior patterns in this one - like the big temper and being highly critical of me. You only have to get $hit on once to know what's coming when you see it again........

Thanks for the encouragment guys!

gixx