I don't believe that it is always the case that if a man got dumped it was because he was too beta. I had this naive notion that if I did the things that I was supposed to do in a relationship, if I held up my end of the bargain, then I had nothing to worry about when it came to being dumped.
I started dating my ex two years ago when I was 31 and she had just turned 30. It ended at the one-year mark just over a year ago. She told me at the beginning that most of her relationships were short-term because the guys would annoy her and she had only two previous that lasted as long as a year. Her biological father abandoned her mom when she was pregnant and told her mom to get an abortion. Her mom remarried when she was 5. She was raised by her mom and stepdad and she said that they would fight all the time over her. Her stepdad is who she considers her real father, but she even expressed some resentment about him when we were together. In her early twenties she partied a lot and about seven years ago was arrested for possession of speed. After that she drastically changed her lifestyle habits.
Anyways we hit it off, had a great connection and chemistry, similar values, goals in life. We started talking marriage after several months. I have a card from her from Valentine’s Day where she writes “I have always been wondering when God would bring my future husband into my life and now I’ve found him. I know I will succeed in life with you as my husband by my side.” She sat her parents down and told them I was The One and I was different from all the other guys she’d ever dated. She told me throughout the time we were together that it was the best relationship she’d ever been in and I was the best guy she'd ever had. She even introduced me to her biological father, something she had never done with any guy she had ever dated before. Before me, she had had no contact with him for three years. After we started dating, she broke three years of silence and told him that there was somebody she wanted him to meet. Her parents wanted to meet mine after she sat them down and told them I was The One.
Six weeks before she dumped me she was emailing me suggestions for wedding venues and addressing me as her fiance. I remember going on a tour of a historical home with her and she tells the guide "We're going to get married and I want to know if you rent this space out for weddings and receptions." A month before she dumped me she reminded me that her parents really wanted to meet mine and didn't want to wait until the wedding. Two weeks before she dumped me we went to a jewelry convention to look at bands so I could get a better idea of what to get her. Five days before she dumped me she made a comment in an email about what kind of engagement ring she wanted. The last time I ever hung out with her and her parents was two months before the breakup. We're having dinner and she tells her mom in front of me "I was sitting out by the pool today after work and I kept thinking to myself 'You know, I really love that boy.'"
Last fall 2010 we were supposed to go to four weddings, all for her friends/family. We had already been to one. The last time I ever hung out with her was on a Thursday at her apartment. When I got there, I told her I had secured a job interview for Sunday for a second job to pay for the ring. That night while I was hanging out with her my mom called. My dad had driven home drunk from work and crashed his truck into her car in the driveway, totalling both vehicles. I left my ex there to help my mom take him to a rehab facility. So the next Saturday, we were supposed to go to another wedding for her friend, and I had let my mom borrow my car since my dad had wrecked both of theirs. My ex texts me at nine in the morning asking to come over. I thought it was weird that she wanted to come over so early.
This was exactly two weeks shy of our first anniversary. When she arrived, she came into my apt and said she doesn’t feel like she can love me the way I want to be loved and need to be loved. I tell her I don’t feel neglected by her. She said when I give her compliments and show her affection, she doesn’t feel like that person on the inside. She said she’s never been in a relationship longer than a year and she always does this. She said she doesn’t want to waste anymore of my time and make me go to weddings I don’t want to go to and don’t have to go to. I NEVER expressed any resentment about all these weddings for her friends/family and I told her this. The entire breakup conversation lasted about 20 minutes and she didn't say anything beyond what I already noted. The very last thing she said to me before walking out of my apartment was "You're everything I've ever wanted in a man, but I can't get married."
She's very religious and comes from a very conservative background. A couple of weeks before we broke up she made a very weird comment about how she wanted to go to heaven now. I was like “What the hell? Don’t you mean you want to go to heaven when you die? What about our future together? You’re not looking forward to that?” And she says “Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, I’d just rather be there now.” There were also a few other occasions the last month we were together where she said she wished Jesus would come back already.
I never called/texted/emailed. The only two gestures I made post breakup were to send her flowers and I wrote her a snail letter. The snail letter was about two weeks after the breakup. I had some friends look it over first so I didn’t come across as pathetically begging to get back together or being hateful or spiteful. I basically just said that I respected her decision if she thought that was for the best, but that I thought what we had together was worth trying to save and that I wanted to try couples counseling. And if she didn’t want to do that, then we couldn’t be friends or remain in touch. Her response to that final letter was to maintain 3 months of radio silence and then this past January she emailed me during funeral preparations for my grandfather to ask for her bike back.
It was sad and weird seeing her again. The whole encounter lasted four minutes. I could tell she was genuinely glad to see me, but it felt like there was this invisible plane between us. I was told by all my friends and family to just keep it all business and only exchange pleasantries, don't cry in front of her, don't bring up the breakup, just be pleasant and polite and stay calm. And that's what I did. Last thing I said was “I just want to say take care of yourself, I wish you well, I will always care about you, and thank you for letting me be a part of your life.” And she said “Aww thank you” and then I told her goodbye and walked back to my apt.
I feel like most of my beliefs about women and relationships have been dislodged at the core. Not only do I feel like I have lost trust in women, but I feel like I have lost trust in myself. I am no longer confident that my instincts and judgment will serve to protect me. I know that she had a difficult childhood and a history of controllers, jerks and idiots that she used to date, but I came from a home with an alcoholic parent, and I had my own maturity issues in early adulthood. When I heard about her past (real dad abandoning her, mom and stepdad not modeling a good relationship, turbulent romantic history, the arrest), I thought it was about as relevant as mine, because she was stable and settled in her professional career, she went to church on a regular basis, she expressed a desire to settle down and get married, we seemed to be on the same page as far as goals and values in life. On a day to day basis things were stable and loving, there was not unnecessary drama or BS. Within the confines of the relationship, she was kind and loving and there didn't seem to be any red flags until the very end with the Heaven/Rapture comments. I honestly believed that I had found the person I was meant to be with and it was exactly the kind of relationship that I had been seeking.
I now understand that there is no such thing as relationship security, that a woman can leave at any time and it might not be logical or rational. I beat myself up for awhile after the breakup and played the woulda, coulda, shoulda game, but the feedback I got the entire time we were together was "You're the best, I love you so much, I want to marry you." I felt like I was being consistently rewarded for the way I treated her, and she never complained about anything or brought any relationship dissatisfaction to my attention, so what could I do differently? It didn't ultimately damage my self esteem because I know I'm a good guy and a catch and I've managed to casually date in the aftermath and have had plenty of rebound sex. She did not damage my self image or esteem. I certainly do believe that there are quality healthy women out there that will not flake or pull this kind of running routine, but I am worried that the kind of long-term relationship I want I will never find, because I don't know how to protect myself from running into this kind of woman in the future.
What makes a quality woman, a woman that wants to build a life together with you? I look at the kind of marriage my grandparents had (married 68 years, best friends, stuck together through thick and thin and raised four kids together, both just absolute gold as people and the kind of people I want to emulate) and I want that for myself, and I wonder if that is even possible at my age (33) and with the kind of women you encounter in my generation.
I suppose that unplugging from the matrix is necessary, but the experience I had with my ex frightens me. It scares me that I might end up in another relationship with somebody like her, it scares me to think that women like my grandmother I will not be able to find in my peer group, looking back at what I went through scares me.
I started dating my ex two years ago when I was 31 and she had just turned 30. It ended at the one-year mark just over a year ago. She told me at the beginning that most of her relationships were short-term because the guys would annoy her and she had only two previous that lasted as long as a year. Her biological father abandoned her mom when she was pregnant and told her mom to get an abortion. Her mom remarried when she was 5. She was raised by her mom and stepdad and she said that they would fight all the time over her. Her stepdad is who she considers her real father, but she even expressed some resentment about him when we were together. In her early twenties she partied a lot and about seven years ago was arrested for possession of speed. After that she drastically changed her lifestyle habits.
Anyways we hit it off, had a great connection and chemistry, similar values, goals in life. We started talking marriage after several months. I have a card from her from Valentine’s Day where she writes “I have always been wondering when God would bring my future husband into my life and now I’ve found him. I know I will succeed in life with you as my husband by my side.” She sat her parents down and told them I was The One and I was different from all the other guys she’d ever dated. She told me throughout the time we were together that it was the best relationship she’d ever been in and I was the best guy she'd ever had. She even introduced me to her biological father, something she had never done with any guy she had ever dated before. Before me, she had had no contact with him for three years. After we started dating, she broke three years of silence and told him that there was somebody she wanted him to meet. Her parents wanted to meet mine after she sat them down and told them I was The One.
Six weeks before she dumped me she was emailing me suggestions for wedding venues and addressing me as her fiance. I remember going on a tour of a historical home with her and she tells the guide "We're going to get married and I want to know if you rent this space out for weddings and receptions." A month before she dumped me she reminded me that her parents really wanted to meet mine and didn't want to wait until the wedding. Two weeks before she dumped me we went to a jewelry convention to look at bands so I could get a better idea of what to get her. Five days before she dumped me she made a comment in an email about what kind of engagement ring she wanted. The last time I ever hung out with her and her parents was two months before the breakup. We're having dinner and she tells her mom in front of me "I was sitting out by the pool today after work and I kept thinking to myself 'You know, I really love that boy.'"
Last fall 2010 we were supposed to go to four weddings, all for her friends/family. We had already been to one. The last time I ever hung out with her was on a Thursday at her apartment. When I got there, I told her I had secured a job interview for Sunday for a second job to pay for the ring. That night while I was hanging out with her my mom called. My dad had driven home drunk from work and crashed his truck into her car in the driveway, totalling both vehicles. I left my ex there to help my mom take him to a rehab facility. So the next Saturday, we were supposed to go to another wedding for her friend, and I had let my mom borrow my car since my dad had wrecked both of theirs. My ex texts me at nine in the morning asking to come over. I thought it was weird that she wanted to come over so early.
This was exactly two weeks shy of our first anniversary. When she arrived, she came into my apt and said she doesn’t feel like she can love me the way I want to be loved and need to be loved. I tell her I don’t feel neglected by her. She said when I give her compliments and show her affection, she doesn’t feel like that person on the inside. She said she’s never been in a relationship longer than a year and she always does this. She said she doesn’t want to waste anymore of my time and make me go to weddings I don’t want to go to and don’t have to go to. I NEVER expressed any resentment about all these weddings for her friends/family and I told her this. The entire breakup conversation lasted about 20 minutes and she didn't say anything beyond what I already noted. The very last thing she said to me before walking out of my apartment was "You're everything I've ever wanted in a man, but I can't get married."
She's very religious and comes from a very conservative background. A couple of weeks before we broke up she made a very weird comment about how she wanted to go to heaven now. I was like “What the hell? Don’t you mean you want to go to heaven when you die? What about our future together? You’re not looking forward to that?” And she says “Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, I’d just rather be there now.” There were also a few other occasions the last month we were together where she said she wished Jesus would come back already.
I never called/texted/emailed. The only two gestures I made post breakup were to send her flowers and I wrote her a snail letter. The snail letter was about two weeks after the breakup. I had some friends look it over first so I didn’t come across as pathetically begging to get back together or being hateful or spiteful. I basically just said that I respected her decision if she thought that was for the best, but that I thought what we had together was worth trying to save and that I wanted to try couples counseling. And if she didn’t want to do that, then we couldn’t be friends or remain in touch. Her response to that final letter was to maintain 3 months of radio silence and then this past January she emailed me during funeral preparations for my grandfather to ask for her bike back.
It was sad and weird seeing her again. The whole encounter lasted four minutes. I could tell she was genuinely glad to see me, but it felt like there was this invisible plane between us. I was told by all my friends and family to just keep it all business and only exchange pleasantries, don't cry in front of her, don't bring up the breakup, just be pleasant and polite and stay calm. And that's what I did. Last thing I said was “I just want to say take care of yourself, I wish you well, I will always care about you, and thank you for letting me be a part of your life.” And she said “Aww thank you” and then I told her goodbye and walked back to my apt.
I feel like most of my beliefs about women and relationships have been dislodged at the core. Not only do I feel like I have lost trust in women, but I feel like I have lost trust in myself. I am no longer confident that my instincts and judgment will serve to protect me. I know that she had a difficult childhood and a history of controllers, jerks and idiots that she used to date, but I came from a home with an alcoholic parent, and I had my own maturity issues in early adulthood. When I heard about her past (real dad abandoning her, mom and stepdad not modeling a good relationship, turbulent romantic history, the arrest), I thought it was about as relevant as mine, because she was stable and settled in her professional career, she went to church on a regular basis, she expressed a desire to settle down and get married, we seemed to be on the same page as far as goals and values in life. On a day to day basis things were stable and loving, there was not unnecessary drama or BS. Within the confines of the relationship, she was kind and loving and there didn't seem to be any red flags until the very end with the Heaven/Rapture comments. I honestly believed that I had found the person I was meant to be with and it was exactly the kind of relationship that I had been seeking.
I now understand that there is no such thing as relationship security, that a woman can leave at any time and it might not be logical or rational. I beat myself up for awhile after the breakup and played the woulda, coulda, shoulda game, but the feedback I got the entire time we were together was "You're the best, I love you so much, I want to marry you." I felt like I was being consistently rewarded for the way I treated her, and she never complained about anything or brought any relationship dissatisfaction to my attention, so what could I do differently? It didn't ultimately damage my self esteem because I know I'm a good guy and a catch and I've managed to casually date in the aftermath and have had plenty of rebound sex. She did not damage my self image or esteem. I certainly do believe that there are quality healthy women out there that will not flake or pull this kind of running routine, but I am worried that the kind of long-term relationship I want I will never find, because I don't know how to protect myself from running into this kind of woman in the future.
What makes a quality woman, a woman that wants to build a life together with you? I look at the kind of marriage my grandparents had (married 68 years, best friends, stuck together through thick and thin and raised four kids together, both just absolute gold as people and the kind of people I want to emulate) and I want that for myself, and I wonder if that is even possible at my age (33) and with the kind of women you encounter in my generation.
I suppose that unplugging from the matrix is necessary, but the experience I had with my ex frightens me. It scares me that I might end up in another relationship with somebody like her, it scares me to think that women like my grandmother I will not be able to find in my peer group, looking back at what I went through scares me.
