Trying to reinvent myself

[jendean71]

How ya'll doin here. I'm new as you've prob noticed. My problem I am trying to overcome is my low self esteem and insecurities.

Little about me first. Was together with a woman(psycho at that) for 14 years, married for 8 of them. Seperated and divorced over a year ago. pulled myself back up and hit the scene. Was so scared and had no idea what I was doing. Was having no luck what so ever. Then one day I said F-it and I had been a member of MYSPACE and was interested in this woman I saw. She was someone that was out of my league, her whole bio, looks, the energy I got off of reading and seeing her photos was making me feel like I was totally crazy for thinking I would have any chance. But I did it anyway and contacted her. I relaxed, I had confidence I had not had in a very very long time. Guess what? We talked a bit, new some of the same people and finally met. We began dating and are now approaching out 1st year together.

Its been wonderful, however I am beginning to slip back, no, speed back into low self esteem and self doubt. And this is hurting our relationship. I find myself chasing her for affection, chasing her for her attention and becoming desperate. I would like to ask for some guidence in how to turn the tables if you will. I want us to have a balance of mutual "chasing" flirting etc... I find it so hard to not let this come out in my actions and behavior. I find myself thinking she will cheat on me and find comfort in someone else. (This is what ended my marriage, my ex had been cheating on me for 4 years, so I feel this deff is my issue about my GF)

I dont want to take this out on my GF cuz she really is awesome.

So, let the disecting begin and plz, I would like only positive responses cuz negatives just dont do anything. I'm referring to things like, " well dude, she prob will cheat on you and dump your ass" I want to become more of an Alpha and in reading the bible I hope I can take some of the info and implement it into my relationship as I dont need to search for anyone else. I just need the confidence I know I can have.


thanx all----

Latta

 

[biker_gixxer]

Its been wonderful, however I am beginning to slip back, no, speed back into low self esteem and self doubt. And this is hurting our relationship. I find myself chasing her for affection, chasing her for her attention and becoming desperate.

She will haul a$$ for sure if you keep this up any longer. This type of behavior will have the opposite effect on her. Chasing, acting desperate and clingy is the quickest way to turn a girl off. I know you don't what that right?

Mystery, excitement, being unpredictable, challenging, these are things you need to concentrate on. These are the traits of an alpha male, someone confident. This will have the effect you are looking for.

One good method for bringing your confidence level back up is to flirt with other women. Chat girls up at the mall, at the grocery store, wherever. I'm not talking about trying to pick girls up, I mean small talk. There's nothing wrong with being a little flirty with women you encounter, this will do wonders for your self esteem.

I know you are really into this girl, but you have to start realizing that there is a whole world out there full of hot, successful women with great attitudes. Take some of the energy you are putting into this one girl and spread it around a little. You don't want to focus to much on one person at any given time.

 

[jendean71]

I hear ya. I'm trying to think of things to do like we used to. I am planning on an evening in NYC this Fri as we have not had alot of time as of late(I just had the fortune of Back Surgery day b4 St Pattys, being Irish , that pissed me off) SO I have to take it easy but will do what I gotta do to spark the diminishing flame we had.

I just have a very hard time having confidence in myself. I have been on work comp since October and this deff does not help feeling like a "man" ya know.

Its gonna be hard, but I appreciate having all you fellas to look to for some guidence.

Thanx Biker, much appreciated

 

[biker_gixxer]

Missed out on all the green beer huh, that sucks lol.

Being on work comp doesn't make you less of a man; it means you are hurt and can't work. If you were a lazy a$$ collecting unemployment because you don't feel like working, then you might have something to work with. Stop looking for ways to bring yourself down.

1. You pulled yourself out of a 14 year marriage and got back out there.
2. You met someone you really enjoy being with.
3. You have been with this girl for almost a year. A girl you thought was out of your league!

That says ALLOT! That shows strength, that shows courage, that my friend is how an alpha carries himself.

Do i have to slap you? LOL Snap out of it already!!

 

[jendean71]

Sometimes I feel like I do need to get smacked about. I look at my failures more than my successes and, well we're our own worst critics eh? Your helpin Biker, I will start giving myself more credit and sweep my woman off her feet again, well unless my disc pops and we fall down and look like total stooges. But, then again that would be funny, knowing how we are.


Thanx bro

 

[biker_gixxer]

There ya go bro...

 

[Desdinova]

Props to biker_gixxer! But I'd like to add one more thing in here:

Mystery, excitement, being unpredictable, challenging, these are things you need to concentrate on.

Mystery pretty much goes out the window when you're in a LTR. Replace that with being spontaneous. Women occasionally like a spontaneous trip to get some ice cream, a drive out of town, but don't go overboard or she'll see you as "unstable". Moderation is the key.

The best way to maintain a relationship is to keep things FUN! Remember some of the things you did when you started dating. Pillow fights, tickle wars, basically any kind of flirting. You need to continue flirting with your woman. If you get comfortable, the excitement will die. Relationships are a lot of work, but the benefits are worth it.

 

[jendean71]

Exactly, gotta keep the fun and I gotta stop thinking she's gonna do what my ex did. She's not the same person.

 

[Desdinova]

Exactly, gotta keep the fun and I gotta stop thinking she's gonna do what my ex did. She's not the same person.

It's amazing how we carry our own "dents" and "baggage" into our next relationships. I myself have become extra protective of my personal belongings since my ex didn't take care of anything. I get worried when a woman is touching or using something of mine and I remind her to treat it well. She'll then remind me that she's not my ex.

Realizing the "dents" in your personality exist is the first step to repairing them.

 

[jendean71]

OMG bro, same here. I at times feel like I gotta protect everything. But again, we both have learned, its the past, not the present and hopefully not the future.

:woo:

 

[legolas]

My friend, this is a journey that every man should take inside of himself and tackle all those insecurities one by one. It's basically all based on what you expect from the future from yourself. She's in there as a companion in this journey, not the destination or the path of this journey.

Rest assured that by realizing that you have a problem and coming here, you have already made a HUGE step in the right direction.

I have found CR James' books very very helpful on tackling this kind of thing especially in relationships. I don't usually buy ebooks that have dating guides and so on, but this one does not even focus on dating, it focuses on how to keep your partner in a relationship and become more of man while making her that much more interested in you. Don't wanna post any links here cuz don't want to make this sound like spam, but PM me and I'll send you the link.

So you begin this journey by looking inside of yourself during those moments when you feel weak or insecure and see where is it coming from. Are you scared that she will leave you? Are you scared that she will cheat on you? What drives that fear? And don't say past experience because even in the past you did something that messed up your entire marriage.