trouble moving forward

[armstrong]

I went through a divorce a little over a year ago and am having trouble moving on. Like many couples, we had our share of problems. But the thing that is holding me back from moving on is what this woman did prior to us getting married.

She lied and kept secrets, and only revealed what she did after we separated. Everything about her, from the things she said to the way she acted was a lie. This level of hurt has made me see women differently than I ever have before.

I can't and have no desire to trust any of them. I don't date because I'm at a point where I almost hate women. If I see an attractive woman walking my way down the street, I immediately get a bad feeling. If I happen to meet a new girl in any capacity, I go back into my shell because I start to think about all the ways she'll probably hurt me.

My divorce really screwed me up in the head and I don't know what to do to move on. It's the most frustrating thing in the world because I desperately want to be happy and share that happiness with someone special.

 

[I.A.F.Y.B.]

I went through a divorce a little over a year ago and am having trouble moving on. Like many couples, we had our share of problems. But the thing that is holding me back from moving on is what this woman did prior to us getting married.

She lied and kept secrets, and only revealed what she did after we separated. Everything about her, from the things she said to the way she acted was a lie. This level of hurt has made me see women differently than I ever have before.

How do you know that what she said is true. She could of been saying certin things to make you upset cause she was mad.

I can't and have no desire to trust any of them. I don't date because I'm at a point where I almost hate women. If I see an attractive woman walking my way down the street, I immediately get a bad feeling. If I happen to meet a new girl in any capacity, I go back into my shell because I start to think about all the ways she'll probably hurt me.

My divorce really screwed me up in the head and I don't know what to do to move on. It's the most frustrating thing in the world because I desperately want to be happy and share that happiness with someone special.

Loosing someone you love sucks. But, letting one girl screw up your mindset isn't good. If you are not ready for another relationship then, that is fine. Why not just fvck all the hot ladies you can? Have fun being single and meet all the girls you can. Do things you like and keep yourself busy. Focus on the negatives about her and why it's best you aren't with her.

 

[armstrong]

Loosing someone you love sucks. But, letting one girl screw up your mindset isn't good. If you are not ready for another relationship then, that is fine. Why not just fvck all the hot ladies you can?

Believe me, I'm trying. I've been trying for the past year and if I could wish these negative feelings away I would. It's gotten to the point now where I view dating and approaching women as a bad thing. Where in the past I would walk up and talk to a cute woman I saw, now I can't even bring myself to smile at her.

And as far as the stuff she said and how I know it's true goes, it wasn't just one thing. This woman went to great lengths to hide who she was and what she was truly about. She went to unbelievable lengths to deceive me. Once I realized that, it screwed up my mind and made me never want to trust another woman again.

 

[OneEyedJack]

You need to talk it out to a professional.

A MALE professional

 

[darkstarrr]

I went through a divorce a little over a year ago and am having trouble moving on. Like many couples, we had our share of problems. But the thing that is holding me back from moving on is what this woman did prior to us getting married.

She lied and kept secrets, and only revealed what she did after we separated. Everything about her, from the things she said to the way she acted was a lie.

My divorce really screwed me up in the head and I don't know what to do to move on. It's the most frustrating thing in the world because I desperately want to be happy and share that happiness with someone special.

Wow you need a hug man just like me. I completely understand how you are feeling and I vomit still about once a week or so in the mornings because of the nightmare I have been waking up to. Try to be thankful for what you have left and find happiness and motivation in life with what you have now as a foundation.

I can't even begin to explain my story nor will I take any focus away from you here. All I am saying is holy $hit do I feel you man. Things must get better somehow and I will follow your posts closely in case I have anything to share that helps me to feel better and be normal.

----------------------
aka Captain Save-a-ho

 

[darkstarrr]

Just remember it can always be worse and we have to be thankful for what we do have and the opportunities in front of us. Someday we will have children and we will look at them and think to ourselves wow, I am so glad I held on and kept faith because you will love your children and you will be thankful for the joy they bring to your life.

You did something good. You had good intentions it sounds like. That is forward momentum as Interceptor says. Don't let rotteneggs (HAHAHAHA) create a distatse of eggs for you. You just had a rotten fvcking omelette. It doesn't mean tomorrow morning I can't make you the best damn eggs over easy with a side of toast, bacon, pancakes, juice, milk and a coffee.

I had another experience like this in highschool. I got really sick from tequila after eating cool ranch doritos. Man let me tell you I could not even think about either of the 2 for 6 months to a year!

I actually still don't like cool ranch doritos but thats not the point. I learned to love tequila again my friend! I will now again and you can too!

----------------------
aka Captain Save-a-ho

 

[yuppaz]

I agree with these guys, I can empathize with you, but at least she is gone from you now. I would honestly (and thinking seriously about it myself) no shame in seeing a shrink. Also these guys are right, you are sick because you are afraid to trust, I'm in the same boat...so therefore my philosophy now is that trust isn't needed if you are just seeing girls casually and have no plan to get too serious. Go that route for a while.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Armstrong,
Life can deal out some bitter blows,many of us have also been through the Mill and so we can sympathise with someone chewing on lifes gristle...It will all be a memory in a year or so like some bad dream,believe it or not you will come out of this richer in experience that will enable you to lead a far happier life...in the mean time don't hang round home,you will just get depressed or hit the bottle,get out somewhere where you can enjoy a bit of company....Maybe use your time to do a language course ,learn a new style of cooking,take up dancing,go to the gym.....Good Luck.

 

[Sinistar]

... I don't know what to do to move on. It's the most frustrating thing in the world because I desperately want to be happy and share that happiness with someone special.

Here is where the deprogramming needs to start. Look at your mindset and goal-state. This is straight out of the media programmed AFC handbook.

A MAN should rarely (and hopefully never) feel desperate to be happy. Instead he goes out, lives his life, puts himself first and derives his happiness from that attitude (confidence) and his accomplishments.

At best - AT BEST - a woman should be a compliment to your life. I'll even argue that the ones that are better suited for relationships will actually want to compliment your life. Never settle for anything less when it comes to women. How about some irony - all women want a guy just like I described yet the world around would seem to want otherwise.

If it feels like I knocked the legs out from under your belief system - that was my goal. You have a choice. You can stay in this rut forever. Or you can figure out what is keeping you from being happy, what is causing you to make bad choices and what has prevented you from seeing red flags.

I can offer a different POV. You are grieving. Remember grief has and end too. All to often people miss that part and never let it finish.

If you can't be alone and happy how do you expect together and happy?

 

[armstrong]

Here is where the deprogramming needs to start. Look at your mindset and goal-state. This is straight out of the media programmed AFC handbook.

A MAN should rarely (and hopefully never) feel desperate to be happy. Instead he goes out, lives his life, puts himself first and derives his happiness from that attitude (confidence) and his accomplishments.

At best - AT BEST - a woman should be a compliment to your life. I'll even argue that the ones that are better suited for relationships will actually want to compliment your life. Never settle for anything less when it comes to women. How about some irony - all women want a guy just like I described yet the world around would seem to want otherwise.

If it feels like I knocked the legs out from under your belief system - that was my goal. You have a choice. You can stay in this rut forever. Or you can figure out what is keeping you from being happy, what is causing you to make bad choices and what has prevented you from seeing red flags.

I can offer a different POV. You are grieving. Remember grief has and end too. All to often people miss that part and never let it finish.

If you can't be alone and happy how do you expect together and happy?

I understand where you're coming from and have given some of those things some thought at one time or another. I'm happy in pretty much all other aspects of my life and that's the honest truth. I'm doing exceptionally well professionally and I'm in great shape physically.

What brings me down is the fact that I've never had real success with women. Combine that with the pain of my divorce (and her lying) and that's where the problem lies. I found out about her lies two years ago and the anger hasn't subsided yet. And to be honest I didn't feel back then the type of anger and distrust of women I feel now. It only hit me when the divorce was final. When it became ok for me to date again, I realized I couldn't because I didn't respect women anymore.

So when I look back on my life now, I see how women have hurt me in some way or another. They made fun of me as a kid. They rejected me growing up. My ex cheated and lied. I can identify these as causes. I know there's a solution but I just don't know what it is. I'm going to look for a professional to talk to about these things, so hopefully that will help me see women in a positive light and actually yield me some success in the future. I realize I'm wasting some great years of my life living like this and I'll do whatever it takes to get to where I should be.

 

[Sinistar]

So when I look back on my life now, I see how women have hurt me in some way or another. They made fun of me as a kid. They rejected me growing up. My ex cheated and lied. I can identify these as causes

.

Are these really the causes? I ask this for a reason. It's not all to uncommon on this site to have posters rally behind you and the quote above. Their support seems to help soothe the wound. Women are Evil! Women are liars. Women are dishonest. You've probably read this or picked up on this vibe across many posts.

So I'm going to challenge you to stop for minute and think. Did women really hurt you - or did you allow them to hurt you? While they were making fun of you as a kid did you just take it or run away or did you stand up for yourself? They rejected you growing up - can you name a single man on this planet who has never been rejected?

I think you are wise to talk to a professional about your issues and past. However, keep in mind a fair number of them might go Dr.Fill on you. If that happens they'll just plug you back in the matrix, run therapy to make you supplicate and possibly kill off your masculinity. Put another way, make sure your therapist goals align with yours instead of defining your goals.

I think the 1st key to becoming the type of MAN you've been 'wishing' to be is to accept the fact that you are responsible for all of your actions and outcomes. This especially goes for the situation where you sit back and hope and wish only to have the outcome disappoint you.

Causality can suck but it can also be your friend. You've done the 'wishing', 'expecting' and 'blaming' thing long enough. What was the effect - more pain, more blown expectations more wondering why the world isn't a better place.

Now look at another guy very much like you. Only he took the time to step back and observe the world around him taking in the various interactions people different people, relationships, etc. The aware MAN sees that the men who seem most confident, happy, etc appear to almost be selfish. They embrace causality instead of fighting it. They know something as trivial as opening or complex as a LTR will ultimately fail for some reason or another. They also know if there will be many, many other interesting and compatible women in their future. They accept the fact that women by their nature are driven by a 24/7 need for all forms of security and they take the time to understand how this manifests itself back into relationships, etc. This man also has a firm belief of the positive role a woman should play in his life. Anything less and he knows he must move forward with his life. He'll survive. She'll survive.

Another thing to ponder as you seek out a therapist. Maybe some (or all) of your trouble moving forward is due to your own fear of what changes you will have to make and their corresponding effects.

You're going to survive.

 

[Colossus]

At best - AT BEST - a woman should be a compliment to your life. I'll even argue that the ones that are better suited for relationships will actually want to compliment your life. Never settle for anything less when it comes to women.

I dont disagree with this when a man is single, but how do you reconcile this philosophy when a man is married? When you are cohabitating; sharing a home, finances, a life and maybe even raising children, the majority of your time involves work and family...it's not like she is staying at your apartment 2 nights a week and youre out livin' the dream. That's not to say you cant or wont compliment each other, but at that point you are husband and wife; she has sort of graduated beyond merely being an addition to your world.



ARMSTRONG-- When you go through something as emotionally traumatic as you have, the experience itself tends to discolor not only your perception of women in general, but also your past. You interpret your past memories in a way that validates and defines your divorce as a sort of bitter end to a long stream of failures with women. There is a term for this type of cognitive "error loop", I cant recall at the moment, but I remember a few years ago when I was going through some counseling my counselor gave me some literature that really opened my eyes to the self-defeating loops and schemes I was running through my mind.

In other words, and this may be the case with you, I was viewing my world through distorted goggles. I was defining my past and present experiences with women under the context of one destructive relationship.

Consider this, and seriously consider getting professional help. Just make sure he/she is not going to feed you a plate of matrix garbage and emasculate you in the process.

 

[Vulpine]

Good post, Sinistar.

However, I don't agree with the "getting a therapist" part.

See, the problem armstrong has had stems from relying on someone else for too much. Getting a therapist makes the therapist responsible for armstrong's self-improvement.

:nono:

The only person armstrong can depend on is himself. Once he does that, he won't need to depend on anyone else for his well being. This is called self-reliance. Women aren't at fault for his suffering, armstrong is.

So, armstrong, you are your own therapist. You are responsible for yourself and your position. And, you are the only person responsible for your self-improvement. The only thing that is constant about your future is you.

If your attitude toward women is sh¡tty right now, take time off. Don't even worry about them for a while. Focus on your life and enhancing it. Focus on your happiness... and when your mind wants to revert back to yearning for woman, steer it back on course. Don't have a course? Make one, and, apply yourself to your goals and hobbies until your attitude towards women refreshes.

A lot of people here can relate to the "disappointed with women" feeling. It will take some time for you to have a couple positive experiences that give you some hope. Until that happens, just be patient, and kick ass on your life. Women aren't your problem right now, you are your problem.

Stop being a victim. Be proactive with your life instead of reactive.

 

[Vulpine]

Wow you need a hug man just like me.

He needs a spine, not a hug.

 

[Sinistar]

However, I don't agree with the "getting a therapist" part.

See, the problem armstrong has had stems from relying on someone else for too much. Getting a therapist makes the therapist responsible for armstrong's self-improvement.

...you were right in calling me out on this. I could tell the OP was intent on getting a therapist. Yet it went against my gut to endorse it. I was just hoping that (if he seeks out a therapist) he can purposely seek out one who will help him regain his masculinity and help him unplug. The Dr.Fill therapy will just jack him back in (and ensure him/her a nice dependable revenue stream).

 

[Sinistar]

I dont disagree with this when a man is single, but how do you reconcile this philosophy when a man is married? When you are cohabitating; sharing a home, finances, a life and maybe even raising children, the majority of your time involves work and family...it's not like she is staying at your apartment 2 nights a week and youre out livin' the dream. That's not to say you cant or wont compliment each other, but at that point you are husband and wife; she has sort of graduated beyond merely being an addition to your world.

I guess I have to disagree. My wife seems more a compliment to my life now than when she was a GF or engaged. We have a new daughter (which has been both rewarding and exhausting). From day one my [now] wife has never tried to wrestle control from me. She seeks out my advice and input and approval. If I didn't know any better she seems happiest in what the elders would call a traditional role - a wife and mother. She seems to find some kind of peace (ie security) in my frame. On the flip side, this is new for me. Retaining the frame and responsibility for so long and now with a daughter can be internally frustrating at times and yet often rewarding. I believe that if I let go my current mindset she would become both uneasy and start testing me endlessly needing me to find it back. Will this last another 40yrs - I hope so and can only do my absolute best for all 3 of us. Each time she senses this effort on my part I sense her wanting to continue complimenting my life rather than trying to obtain 50/50 status, etc.

I guess I never thought of her as being and addition. Maybe it's a mindset thing and other married guys (who've been married longer) should chime in here.

There is one thing I do keep aware of. Anytime I hear friends, family etc saying things like 50:50, a team, she's the boss, 'yes dear jokes' etc. My ears perk up. Often these people mean as you do above. But in many cases it is the matrix speak of the unguided with their subtle undertones of ultimate supplication. Those bug me and I always call them out on it immediately. They are usually quite shocked as in most cases they are not aware of their subconcious shaming techiques, etc.

 

[Vulpine]

I was just hoping that (if he seeks out a therapist) he can purposely seek out one who will help him regain his masculinity and help him unplug. The Dr.Fill therapy will just jack him back in (and ensure him/her a nice dependable revenue stream).

I just booted a chick I was dating... a psychotherapist with a Masters degree.

Fat chance he'll find any good help with masculinity.

That chick... WHEW! I've never really met a hard-core feminazi like that. The thing is, she didn't consider herself a feminist at all! She was just applying what she was taught.

There is "popular psychology" being used. What's popular is: discourage masculinity.

This chick had psychology magazines sitting in the bathroom. While taking craps, I'd crack them open... they would be better used to wipe my ass with than actually used to create healthy men with.

Psychology is subject to "trends". Take, for example, Freud's influence... there was a definite "movement" after his work.

Yeah, therapy would a good idea, but the therapist would likely label dude as "delusional" or even "anti-social" in attempts to re-sheepify him.

This place is better "therapy", and, it's free. He just has to do the work.

 

[armstrong]

This place is better "therapy", and, it's free. He just has to do the work.

I appreciate all the feedback and it's all good information. But I've tried pretty much all of it at some point. I've tried saying **** it and just going out there and trying to meet women. That didn't work because my attitude sucked and I couldn't even bring myself to smile. I've tried taking time off completely from women. That definitely didn't work.

As for the masculinity issue, I wonder if some of you think I'm completely broken and am some "girly man" without a pair. That's not the case at all. You wouldn't know any of this upon meeting me. I have everything going for me except a love life, and that's something I keep to myself anyway.

What I'm trying to say is that if I knew what needed to be done, I'd do it. I'm going to look for a therapist because I'm at my wit's end. And I know a lot of them are crackpots. My ex and I saw one when we were going through problems that was nuts. As someone stated above, the best one is probably someone who will understand what my goals are and won't try to label me. I want this part of my life to change and I have no doubt that there's someone out there who can help me with that.

 

[jophil28]

.

What I'm trying to say is that if I knew what needed to be done,

Here is a tip .
Realise that MOST women that you meet and date are NOT suitable candidates for a relationship for various reasons.( and I am guessing that an LTR is your goal)
You need to disqualify LOW QUALITY women and discard them when they do not measure up. BUT first, before you can do that, you need to do two things.



1. Adopt a mindset in which you are NOT 'hunting' for a woman. Women can smell desperation and need. I am guessing that you are signalling "need" without realising it. Be playful and entertaining instead without expectations that she will respond.

2. Set out your "must haves" in a woman and qualify an LTR contender from this list of essential qualities.
Most women will TELL you precisely (but indirectly) about her character and her 'quality' IF you listen and observe her CURRENT lifestyle.

 

[jophil28]

Psychology is subject to "trends". Take, for example, Freud's influence... there was a definite "movement" after his work.

True, fads and trends are the usual drivers behind junk science and social engineering.