To break up or not to break up....and how best to do so (A bit long)

[awfernan]

Thanks in advance for reading thru this! This forum kicks ass

I have been dating a girl for a year and a half or so, and overall it has been good. The lady in question is very nice, and cute, and cool....just a really quality lass all around. She's fun to have around with my friends and has hit it off with my parents. We started dating casually, briefly split and have been steady since then - she is the only person with whom I have been this serious with in my life. She's given me a lot of new experiences and made me a more rounded person.

But see, I think that I am having the anti-committment attacks so prevalent among the mid-late 20 something urban male species. The crux of the matter is that I really don't want to progress to marriage and hope to experience the good and bad of (pure) singlehood again at least once again before I die.

I suppose that at its ultimate core, the desire to experience the life of a single is motivated by sexuality, by the irrepressible thrill of (prospective) foreplay and seduction with someone for the first time, even if doesn't materialize. Darned if I don't wish for a meaningless one-night fling with some busty, sculpted, pretty yet trashy girl! On a less base level, there is a special, unique feeling from going on a first date...better yet, the exhilaration afterward if it goes well. On a more mundane level, it's the ability to not have to meet up with g-friend if you don't feel like it (and lay on your own couch and relax on a Friday night), the freedom to go out with buddies and not be concerned with time and place. It's important to explore what you want in life and have time to reflect by yourself.

Actually, things flared up a tad a few weeks ago as she has questioned how much time I really like to put into our relationship (again, a very valid point): for me, 3 nights in a week is Pah-lenty, while she would be happy spending all her nights with me. But mostly it's smooth sailing and very comfortable.

Thus, I have been ruminating about the matter recently, and have considered ending it. However, I have not done so because a) I know it would hurt her and that sucks (ultimately, not a real valid reason, but makes one pause and move slowly) b) more importantly, I don't know that I really want to. She is something fun to look forward to at the end of the week and has provided a nice boost to my social life with her friends. The bottom line is I am generally happy and comfortable in the relationship and it hasn't run out of juice. Am I ready to face a wonderful girl who loves me and tell her it's over?

See, the problematic thing is that the difficulty/fallout etc. of breaking up increases more and more as one comes to a point where you either a) propose marriage b) are considered a complete ******* to have not cut it off earlier and break the girl's heart.

I really don't want to cheat on her - even if she never knew, I would feel dirty inside. Can I just wait indefinitely for a catalyst (say, one of us moving) or for things to become boring (which might mean me slacking in our relationship)?

It has been my observation that it is usually men that are the ones to end things after several years or after engagement takes place. At some point, I am going to be with someone for the rest of my life (and hopefully that means a long time), and so I will join the ranks of men from the dawn of time that have bit the bullet to ensure the continuation of the human race (plus grow old with someone they love). But I don't see myself as a grown-up just yet.

That's all for now. All thoughts are welcome.

 

[Wyldfire]

Well, if she's as "cool" as you say she is and you have a good relationship with her you shouldn't do anything to destroy that. However, if you are having the feeling that you have some wild oats to sow before you can settle down then you should try to explain that to her and tell her that you need to be single for awhile and that if the two of you are meant to be together it will happen when you're ready if she hasn't found someone else. Then you should move at least an hour or so away and start over so that she doesn't see you around with other women. By doing that you won't ruin any chance of getting back together with her in the future.

 

[Gman]

Mate,
you have just posted the most articulate explanation of a situation that I feel I am in myself.

It is a genuine problem but I fear one that has no easy answer. TO gain something u must lose something in this situation. THe longer u stay together, the more difficult emotionally it will be for you to want to end it - I know.

In the end, we have to live with whatever decisions we make. If it ends in tears, it ends in tears. It is part of life, I guess. THat's how I';m taking it anyway, cos I genuinely love my gf but I have a genuine feeling that I need to explore what else is out there (she is my 1st gf, i am 20). I told her that from 5 mths when things were starting to get serious. I broke it off for a month, we both suffered and in the end got back together. Since then our relationship has grown emotionally to a point when my wish to explore wats out there is being suppressed by my emotional wish to be with her. IT is an ugly internal conflict, the answer to which eludes me. At least she is aware of it and is making informed decisions.

If anyone has any thoughts, I'd appreciate them too.

 

[jbbrain]

Something similar is happening in my relationship right now.

We have been together for a year and a half and I seemingly too have this need to explore and experience new things...add to that we fight a lot and it would seem breaking up would be a no brainer, right?

Not really.

Breaking up is a hard thing to do. At some points, you feel like you wouldnt be able to imagine yourself without her, even if things aren't goign amazingly...I don't know how long you two have been seeing your ladies, but I've started thinking that at a year and a half, its not like a 3-6 month relationship anymore, where the relationship is still in its "exploration" and "experience all you can" stage. It comes to the point where you really have to ask yourself if you're going to be with this girl forever (or for a very long time)..prolonging the inevitable might be wasting both of your times.

Breaking up is a hard thing to do...but..

It's a part of life. You go into it knowing its going to hurt when it happens, but you do it anyways because you know deep down its something you have to do to ensure your happiness in the long run.

If your relationship doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Either you're miserable with a shytty gf or you have a great gf but are simply to young to let yourself settle...these are all valid reasons. Listen to your gut and make sure whatever you do, you do it 100%.

 

[awfernan]

Thanks for replying

Glad to know that there are others in the same boat.

Saw her last night for dinner and she could detect that something was weighing on my mind but I didn't let on....gawd, how I would dread dumping her!

However, if you are having the feeling that you have some wild oats to sow before you can settle down then you should try to explain that to her and tell her that you need to be single for awhile and that if the two of you are meant to be together it will happen when you're ready if she hasn't found someone else

Yeah, I suppose that's the way to do it, if you can pull it off.

 

[Wyldfire]

A quick comment that I think needs to be mentioned...

It is very common for someone going through the feelings that they are "missing out" on something to pursue those feelings only to discover that they really weren't missing out on anything afterall. Unfortunately, they usually end the relationship in a way that hurts and alienates the person they broke up with. This is why I made mention of moving away to do your exploring so the person you broke up with doesn't see or hear about it. If they do, it's unlikely they will consider taking you back if you discover you made a mistake. IF you are leaving a quality person you're having a good relationship with...it WILL change things. It would be impossible to continue to have what you left with a person if you date others under their noses.

Just keep this in mind...

 

[flyinshark]

Yeah, the temporary break-up could be a solution to your doubts. It can act as a test for you and her to see if you were really made for each other.

If during the temp. break-up you find yourself missing her and the moments you were spending with her, then what you really want is to be with her. And if you find a subtle way of finding out if she is also missing you badly, then i think you 2 are a good match and should get back together.

 

[Gman]

unfortunately, me and her are in same uni, on same course...been going out for 2 yrs (i know, its a long time) and i love her. I at 5 months in used to feel like i really wanted to pull other gals, play the field. Over time, these feelings have lessened as my love for my gal has grown. But 2 yrs on, I still cannot committ to a future with her. I was totally inexperienced with gals b4 her and she was my 1st Gf. She was not my 'ideal, perfect in every way' gal but at the time, being a fresher in college with all the associated vulnerability, excitement etc of youth, I decided 'to hell with the consequences...I will deal with them...I want to get to know this gal better...'

I dont regret my time with her one bit...in fact i can see us together indefinitely......but the issue of what else is out there will remain i feel.....either till i decide I am too old and I should settle, or till we break up.......

it's a funny old world.

In one way gals are spared this because they can 'play the field' much more easily than guys hence thye decide when to 'settle down' whereas for a guy who isnt a total stud, he doesnt know when he's next going to get a gal interested in him, which makes it harder for him to say no to a potential relationship........

 

[Fenderules]

they say you dont know what you have till you loose it.....

so loose her (only temporarily of course), and then see,

just give'r the old space thing since your unsure, you'll know in short enough time

 

[awfernan]

Originally posted by Gman
But 2 yrs on, I still cannot committ to a future with her. I was totally inexperienced with gals b4 her and she was my 1st Gf. She was not my 'ideal, perfect in every way' gal but at the time, being a fresher in college with all the associated vulnerability, excitement etc of youth, I decided 'to hell with the consequences...I will deal with them...I want to get to know this gal better...'

I dont regret my time with her one bit...in fact i can see us together indefinitely......but the issue of what else is out there will remain i feel.....either till i decide I am too old and I should settle, or till we break up.......

it's a funny old world.

In one way gals are spared this because they can 'play the field' much more easily than guys hence thye decide when to 'settle down' ....

Couldn't have said it better myself, man.

Plus, quite frankly, girls need love in order to accompany sex (usually, but not always thank god), so that is a restraint for them as well. I think that girls often take a binary view of things: "either you love me and you want to remain with me forever, barring some major event, or you don't love me and we can maybe be friends at some point". God, they don't know what we go through, the complexity, the tortured conflict between our hearts and our reproductive organ

See like you said, the kicker for us is that we love the girls, think that they are awesome, but just have that itch to hook up with someone else, at least one more before we get married and then stay that way until death (if you perceive of divorce as a bad thing). And not just sex, the fun of meeting someone, getting their number, etc. But can we assume that our current women will just be there for us whenever we want as a backup plan in case we don't see another long-term companion out there? I think we know the answer to that, unfortunately.