Time for divorce? Advice needed...

[justanotherredshirt]

Hi folks... I used to be very active here in 2004 (different username), and the fellas on this board really helped turn an awkward teen into a relatively confident and functional adult. Kinda funny now that I'm coming back 10 years later with my tail between my legs. I'm in desperate need of some kind words and maybe a little advice. It's a long story... sorry.

This past January I was working a full time job that I hated so I decided to start a business on the side that would eventually replace my job as our primary source of income. Contact old "friend" of 10 years and ask him to be my partner... He moves from out of state and I agree to let him use the back room for a few weeks until he gets s place. Trust him and wife of 6 years implicitly... big mistake. In April I found out that they had been having a full blown relationship, including unprotected sex, in my house for two months (occasionally while I was home and asleep).

Due to religious beliefs and the kids I decided to try and make it work. We only separated for two weeks. She has severed all contact with him as far as I can tell, and she's saying and doing all the right things, and for 4 months I put on a really good effort at being the perfect loving and forgiving husband. However, I always felt conflicted. Two weeks ago I slept with another woman. It's so out of character for me... I never would have done it under normal circumstances, but I know its wrong all the same. I confessed to her days after it happened, but I'm still conflicted.

On the one hand I love my wife and want my kids to have both of us around, but on the other hand I can't imagine a day where I'm not haunted by what she did, and it has permanently changed minor annoyances into big frustrations (leaving the laundry in the dryer overnight).

Is it worth trying to save it when we've both violated the trust? We don't even fight! We're separated right now but I see her everyday and shes adamant that we will go to counseling and get better... I don't want to, but I don't want to be a bad guy either. I hate that the onus of saving the marriage is on me.

 

[Ruleit]

Hi folks... I used to be very active here in 2004 (different username), and the fellas on this board really helped turn an awkward teen into a relatively confident and functional adult. Kinda funny now that I'm coming back 10 years later with my tail between my legs. I'm in desperate need of some kind words and maybe a little advice. It's a long story... sorry.

This past January I was working a full time job that I hated so I decided to start a business on the side that would eventually replace my job as our primary source of income. Contact old "friend" of 10 years and ask him to be my partner... He moves from out of state and I agree to let him use the back room for a few weeks until he gets s place. Trust him and wife of 6 years implicitly... big mistake. In April I found out that they had been having a full blown relationship, including unprotected sex, in my house for two months (occasionally while I was home and asleep).

Due to religious beliefs and the kids I decided to try and make it work. We only separated for two weeks. She has severed all contact with him as far as I can tell, and she's saying and doing all the right things, and for 4 months I put on a really good effort at being the perfect loving and forgiving husband. However, I always felt conflicted. Two weeks ago I slept with another woman. It's so out of character for me... I never would have done it under normal circumstances, but I know its wrong all the same. I confessed to her days after it happened, but I'm still conflicted.

On the one hand I love my wife and want my kids to have both of us around, but on the other hand I can't imagine a day where I'm not haunted by what she did, and it has permanently changed minor annoyances into big frustrations (leaving the laundry in the dryer overnight).

Is it worth trying to save it when we've both violated the trust? We don't even fight! We're separated right now but I see her everyday and shes adamant that we will go to counseling and get better... I don't want to, but I don't want to be a bad guy either. I hate that the onus of saving the marriage is on me.

From the limited info you've given I get the following:

1) Your friend and your wife were getting down and dirty almost from the get-go of him moving in.

You can blame him (and it's 20% his fault) I'd put 80% of the blame on the woman you married. She is the one that took the vows and threw them away the minute another c0ck was within striking distance.

2) You've been using your religious beliefs and kids as an excuse to not face the facts.

Your dream has been shattered. Your life expectations been laid to waste. You're not the first this has happened to and not the last. The Ming vase of life as you knew it is now over. What's left is a broken porcelain mess. You can try and glue it all back together but it will NEVER be the same again. As you found out here:

3) You had a revenge fvck one night stand with some chick.

Bud, a ONS isn't going to erase the pain of betrayal. Your revenge only made you feel worse because you lowered yourself to the same level as your cheating slvt of a wife. You confessed to her to inflict some pain on her.... but it backfired.

If you want to inflict some major pain on her (which I don't recommend...) go screw the ONS a second and third time and then tell your cheater that you think you're in love with the other woman.

4) You say you love her but are haunted by what she did.

That feeling isn't going to go away. It's a lifelong scar. It will continue to haunt your the rest of your days if you stay together. The pain will not be as acute as it is now but you will forever have moments of anger at what she did to you. These will rise to the surface every time the two of you have any sort of disagreement.

Is it worth trying to save it when we've both violated the trust? We don't even fight! We're separated right now but I see her everyday and shes adamant that we will go to counseling and get better... I don't want to, but I don't want to be a bad guy either. I hate that the onus of saving the marriage is on me.

a) She is the one that violated the trust, not you. These are the consequences of her actions.
b) That you don't fight is another symbol of the apathy.
c) Counselling is a waste of time. She'll use it to justify her actions and twist everything around to make it seem like this was ALL your fault. Don't be an idiot.
d) You're not the bad guy here. She's already twisting this into your fault.

I've known two guys that tried to fix things up after the wife cheated. The one that used his kids as the excuse is still stumbling along and is very unhappy. The other guy pulled the plug after four more years of hell after the wife cheated again. Those are the ones I know personally. I know of dozens of other cases where the same thing happened. The only marriages I know that kind of recovered were the ones where the HUSBAND cheated.

When a woman wanders off the reservation all bets are off. I'm sorry to tell you this: Your marriage is dead. The well has been poisoned. THE TRUST IS GONE. Nothing you do will ever bring it back again.

 

[My johnson]

Having an affair has nothing to do with your friend, other that he is not a friend but a creep.

Affairs result when needs in a relationship are not being met on both your accounts. If you want the relationship to last then you have to grow it into a truly intimate relationship. What's an intimate relationship ? It's one where you and your wife commit to serious counselling both together and individually. Through that you will understand both your needs (which come from childhood needs that were not met) and help each other grow to heal the childhood hurts. (we all have them since no parent or circumstance meet our childhood needs) Your kids are probably well aware of problems with the marriage.
A good book to get is "Getting the Love you Want" . It will give you profound understanding of self and others. If you leave the marriage now then you will only take the issues to another relationship only to repeat.

Good luck

 

[bmp2cpm]

In relationships, women usually have a single man that they emotionally connect or bond to. She felt the emotional connection with you broken, that your weren't understanding of her needs. You even gave her an opportunity to be with a man that made her feel her needs could be met with him. Bottom line, is things were broken in your marriage for quite some time before this happened.

Whatever you decide, it's good to learn from this. Learn from what part your actions in the marriage played a role in all of this happening. While most men downplay the whole women's needs thing, all women are programmed for this, it's survival behavior for the species. Women are programmed to attract and keep men that provide resources that aid in the woman's survival, e.g. emotional connection, spending time with the woman to show you are invested in the relationship and to ward off unwanted competitors, financial resources, honey do-lists, and lot's more.

Once a woman finds a man that can give her the resources she needs for her survival, she's feel extremely strong emotions to in order to attract him and get his resources so she and her offspring have a good chance at survival. Once the resources belong to the woman, the strong emotions tend to wane, replaced by something less strong. Once her needs aren't met consistently, the emotions hit zero for the woman.

She will have a strong emotional bond for this guy for at least 6 months to a year only if there is absolutely no contact. She will lie about what happened and how much she cares for this guy in order to dampen you aggressive emotions and reduce the chance of anger and violence to ensure her survival.

Given the right circumstances, almost any woman will cheat. Ignore what feminists say, women view having a man as a huge survival advantage. 2 million years of evolution have programmed them this way. Women will always do what they have to do to survive, regardless of marriage vows.

 

[sodbuster]

One of the BIG problems you have as {I'm assuming a Christian man} is you DON'T have the ability to walk away like a regular man would do. THAT puts you at a disadvantage with women when you are married. BUT the BIBLE grants Divorce for infidelity. IF your church doesn't find another church.....

DON'T stay married for the KIDS. You will be miserable for the next few years...until she cheats again. The ONLY way I'd try to make this work is if she got into kinky sex with me and worked as hard to save the marriage as she did to land you.... if not, there is no PENALTY for cheating on you.....she'll do it again.....

 

[BetterCallSaul]

I don't want to, but I don't want to be a bad guy either. I hate that the onus of saving the marriage is on me.

These are your words right here. Let's review them just a moment.

You don't want to save this marriage.
You don't want to be the "bad guy".
You don't want the perceived responsibility of saving a marriage to be on you.

Does any of the above make sense to you? It does not to me. Why do you care what your family, her family, others within your church or community think about this? They are not the ones living in this hell your life has now become so of course it's dam easy for them to say stuff like "try to forgive" or "stay together for the kids", etc.

You already know what needs to be done. No one is getting any younger, including yourself. Try to salvage what you have left of your youth and find a woman who truly respects and loves you for who you are.

 

[justanotherredshirt]

I really appreciate you guys laying it out there like it is.

My greatest problem is that I've always carried myself as if nothing were wrong... I told myself that I could move past this and we would be alright. Then there was the ONS. For the first time it hit me that I don't really WANT to be with her. Not just for the affair, but for little and big things that she's said and done over the years... I don't want her.

But then I look at the strength I've showed over the past four months, the outpouring of support from family and friends because I was a "GOOD man"... Suddenly it seems like my entire self-worth is tied up in a marriage that just doesn't work for me anymore.

How do you do it? How do you look at the mother of your children, the woman who until very recently you've been doting over, and SELF-proclaimed soulmate.... How do you look at her and say it's over?

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

To some degree, I can relate to you.

28 year marriage to a woman I would have bet money on that she would never cheat. Well, she wound up having a multi year affair behind my back. Somewhat like you, I thought I could rationalize my way through and stay with the marriage for the sake of the kids and the family. However, things kept coming back to me with a vengeance. I could not get what she had done out of my mind and I couldn't get over it.

And the reason why? Because she had shown such utter contempt for me (as your wife has done to you), by what she did. She did not deserve to be
married to me anymore. What she did effectively ended the marriage, it just took a while for it to finally end.

And once we separated, I found out things about her that I wouldn't have believed. During the separation she behaved in ways and did things to me and my children that I never have dreamed she was capable of.

I would say there's a very good chance that your wife has more issues and dirty laundry than you are aware of. The fact that she did what she did with this guy under your own roof screams out that she's capable of almost anything.

Either way, do yourself a favor and go get a consultation with an attorney. Find out what you are facing in terms of custody, child support, alimony, etc.

Expect that if you do divorce her, she might become your worst enemy and do everything she can to hurt you.

By the way, look at your language here: "she's adamant that we will go to counseling and get better". "I hate that the onus of saving the marriage is on me".

I have to be blunt, your language speak volumes about where your head is at.

It sounds like she thinks she can do anything and get away with it and all will be fine. That attitude and what she did shows that she has zero respect for you.

Dude, you owe that woman nothing after what she did to you. Nothing.

She ruined the marriage and trust, not you.

-Augustus-

 

[Ruleit]

I told myself that I could move past this and we would be alright.

They're called rose-tinted glasses. This is the legacy of all the "beautiful" Hallmark channel misguided BS of "love conquers all." You're not the first and not the last to believe in it.

Then there was the ONS.

And pop went the one-itis balloon. You discovered that there are other women out there that find you attractive and desirable. And now that you have options you don't have to settle for the lying, cheating and deceptive sloth you're married to.

But then I look at the strength I've showed over the past four months, the outpouring of support from family and friends

And that strength is and always will be there. Don't knock yourself down. You were kicked in the nuts. Instead of going down and staying down in self-inflicted misery you stood up and did something for yourself. She's the one that opened the stable door and allowed the "stud" in... too bad she didn't realize that it also allowed the stallion (aka YOU) to take a walk around too.

How do you do it? How do you look at the mother of your children, the woman who until very recently you've been doting over, and SELF-proclaimed soulmate.... How do you look at her and say it's over?

Easy. You use the tried and tested line of:

"I love you but I'm not in love with you any more."​

Just make sure you've crossed all the t's and dotted all your i's before you do that. i.e. go and see a lawyer, make sure you know of all the ramifications of divorce in your area (financials, custody, visitation etc)

Divorce is never an easy thing, but it's not you that blew up this marriage. Stop blaming yourself for her failings and the consequences of her actions.

It's a crappy situation you're in and you have my sympathy. I hope you keep posting here.

Also be prepared for the sh!tstorm to follow when you do decide on the next steps.

 

[MOTU]

Lots of good replies in this thread, listen to them. The advice that I wish I had been been given, and taken, when in a situation very similar to yours:
1) it's over, manage the ending carefully
2) if you stay, she'll do it again
3) get a good lawyer fast
4) she will try to hurt you in ruthless ways once she is convinced you are leaving

I know that was all said but others, but I just wanted to pile on...

 

[expos]

This is a relationship that is not worth saving.

If you are conflicted, you KNOW the answer.

Your wife is an ungrateful, deceitful *****. Get out now, bite the bullet, and do what is best for your kids - which is ejecting from this relationship and raising them to be good people, unlike your wife.

If you stay and "work it out" you not only be a huge beta, but a person that nobody respects, not even your kids. That's right, deep down, they'll see you as a pushover and won't respect you either.

A here is the thing about cheating (I know from experience)....

Some women are never hurt by you having a physical relationship with another woman. You can bang several women, and it won't really phase them that much - but once you emotionally connect with another woman, that's when they go absolutely crazy. My ex-wife knew I was banging several women after our divorce, but didn't go into her tailspin (binge eating, online stalking) until she found out I was in a full-blown relationship with my now girlfriend.

Guys are much more effected by physical affairs, hence your anger and sadness. If your "friend" would have simply wrote love letters to your wife (emotional affair), you would simply laugh at him and it would be easier for you to overcome.

Plenty of good advice here. I think you know what you need to do!

 

[justanotherredshirt]

You guys are so awesome. The reality is, I feel a lot better right now than I have in months.. I just started hammering out a business plan that I've been a little unsure of and I'm feeling juiced.

You're all right! I knew what I wanted to do. I've never fumbled with any decision as much as I have with this one. I'm a mans man... I like axes, guns, football, dump trucks, and motorcycles. Its time to start acting like it!

Thanks for the words fellas... Glad to know this group is just as cool as it was when I left...

 

[100percent]

I am currently involved in a split up /divorce . Please take my advice and visit this website http://forum.dadsdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=15642&sid=e02a2d96403398a5507303e64b0048ef You can thank me later these guys are there to help with any ?'s you may have . J

 

[Zarky]

Divorces are so difficult to go through, it's almost easier living with hurt and betrayal for decades.

I admire any guy who can file for divorce, make it stick, and not let himself get legally raped in the process. Props to you.

Just get through one day at a time. If that's too difficult, one hour.

 

[The_411]

Just,

It seems that what you want got trumped by everyone else's needs. Sucks that your friend f'd you over, but there's a silver lining and that's you are beginning to take control of your needs, wants, and desires.

Yes, being in a relationship requires some give and take but from the sounds of it you became subjugated to duty and as a result you lost sight of your self-identity.

A relationship should never be all obligation and duty otherwise why do it?

At this point you should have an obligation to your kids and that's it.

Now as to why you had a ONS? You were lashing out. Doesn't justify the action but does explain that there's a lot bubbling and that you may not be able to get past the resentment.

 

[Albatross953]

Great advice you're getting, take it but understand some things including getting past this will take time. Be patient with yourself in all things.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Red Shirt,
Read Zarkies post again.....as long as you two are rubbing along for the sake of the kid it's maybe better to take counselling...so much talk of Christianity,begs the question,what happened to forgiveness?....if she isn't remorseful then there is still the option of opening up the marriage,there are literally millions of couples in America who chose the option of swinging together...Chose your Sin Brother.

 

[logicallefty]

Awesome advice here. Do listen to it.

My addition is to start protecting your assets. If you can start taking money out of joint accounts a little at a time do it. If there are things in the home that you can get out of there without her noticing do it now. Lead her on to think you want to work it out until you have your lawyer lined up and all ducks in a row. Then strike her with divorce papers. Glad you got a revenge f\_/ck in a there too. I hope you "dirty d|cked" her slvtty ass (had sex with wife and ons in same day without washing your junk in between. ) Good luck Sir.

 

[latinnova]

Ok, I went through something similar. And for me the phrase rang true "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I caught my wife having an affair, and because of the kids I forgave it, and she seemed to be pretty devastated about it. Well I caught her again doing something she wasn't suppose to, and again I forgave.


Well one day, after over a decade of marriage she comes to me and wants a divorce. So I kicked her out of the house real quick, fine, get out of my life then. Come to find out she had been seeing her old high school sweetheart she met on facebook for a couple of months before she asked for the divorce. She lined him up so that as soon as she left me she went straight into his arms.

So.. I would say cut your losses right now before you suffer more. Maybe she will never cheat again, but that hasn't been the case for me nor many of my friends I know. Now you will always be thinking about what she is doing when you are not around. Also, betrayal hurts man, and it's just as bad every time.


Oh, and there is the thing about the emotional support with woman, blah blah blah.... don't get too caught up with that and blame yourself as the reason she went and cheated. I did everything under the sun to meet all my wifes emotional needs, but nothing was ever enough. It's just time whittled away the luster of what was extreme lust at the beginning of the relationship, and she wanted that back again. She did what she did because she is a deceitful, selflish person, and you were not. Don't get caught up with the "If a man cheats, it's his fault. If a woman cheats, it's still his fault." It's just the are easily able to justify this way of thinking in this feminist dominated era.

 

[Kailex]

I am absolutely tired. I am exhausted. I am to the breaking point.

Everytime I read the crap: I WANT TO STAY TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS.

I now get incensed. I honestly become consumed by anger, because that is the biggest crock of garbage I can ever read from any man willing to put himself through hell.

Honestly, what kind of shield is that? Well, I'm in a bad situation, but I am doing it for the kids. I get tired of it. Is that a noble cause? You might as well launch your corpse onto a sword while you are at it. You might as well call this marriage, "harakiri".

Don't do ANYTHING for the kids. And as unrealistic as that sounds, and horrible, and terrible... you need to understand one thing, THEY WILL KNOW.

Do you think your kids want to grow up seeing their parents to be full of lies, misery, and anguish... and barely keeping it together?

For years, I saw my mother and father try to stay together "for the kids" and it was the worst years of my early life. As soon as they were apart, it all got better. I didn't need them to be in the same house, I just needed them to be around. They were better parents as divorcees than they were as married.

Go meet a lawyer. Get counsel. Take steps to becoming happy. That's what you want to raise your kids in, a happier world even if it's a separated world from their mother. Your kids will be fine.

I grew up to be an accountant and my sister is a doctor.

We are fine.
We grew up happy.
We had our parents there even if they weren't together.

Stop being a pushover and get your life back in gear.