Those who've been in a Long Term Relationship (Mindf*ck of a situation.)

[CharlieM]

Hey guys,

This is a long one, probably best to read if you have experience with long term relationships.

I was always skinny and lacked confidence in high school. When I got to college, I found my passion in my field, and gained a fair bit of muscle due to puberty, working out, improved my posture, etc. and became a good looking man.

I quickly found my first girlfriend after I gained this confidence. We got along so well that we skipped the dating process, immediately moved in and were together for 3.5 years… All throughout our relationship, I was bummed out that we were so 'perfect' together, that (although I loved her), would never get to have that rampant 'sex crazy' stage, where I look back when I'm 45 and appreciate that I'm with a great woman after seeing all that was out there. I even mentioned this to her, and because she cared about me so much, she reluctantly offered a threesome if it will resolve this issue. (Keep in mind she's very attractive, and has slept with a couple people before me (4))

I knew this lack of sexual exploration was a little irrational, so I decided to not let it cause a breakup, and we continued being in a very serious relationship. (Sharing finances, pooling debt, etc.)

I should mention that all of our friends thought we were the 'dream couple'. We got along extremely well. Little to no fighting, very attracted to each other, very aligned views towards life and happiness, same taste in books, movies, similar careers, etc.

Fast forward to last winter… we had a fair bit of debt accumulating and couldn't go and do fun things around town. (Nor did we care to, because we were both bored with the relationship.) She started a new job as a waitress, and became distant. She decided to move out and get her own place near her co-workers because she wanted some individuality back (My interpretation: the people she was working with offered a more exciting life than what we had.). As the desire to be more experienced sexually grew, I had fantasies about having a few months to be single, while still having the opportunity to get back together with her. I had stopped caring about working out and maintaining appearance (relatively to the beginning of our relationship), or making my life full and exciting. We were in a rut.

All of a sudden, I'm offered a life-changing 6 month contract living 3.5 hours away from my hometown. It was a crazy amount of money, and would bring me completely out of debt and then some. I accept.

A week or two before I leave, she starts crying and says we need to break up. I agree, and we both feel a pretty large sense of relief as we're both free to explore other options without guilt.

I go to my work contract thinking I'll have tons of opportunities and end up just working my ass off in the middle of nowhere for 6 months. One week in, I panic and realize how lonely I am without this awesome girl, I start contacting her trying to get back together. We have a one night stand, but nothing materializes and she acts very cold to me. She essentially turns down all my efforts to get her back and eventually I give up on her. For the rest of my work contract, I read the Game, read the Mystery Method, start working out again, start learning different musical instruments, improve myself socially, and prep to be single again. I'm missing her like crazy but trying to ignore those feelings since she's not reciprocating.

After my contract is over, I come back to the city, get a beautiful condo, nice stuff, and implement what I've learned about seduction. My ex messages me about a loose end we need to do relating to our old finances. She offered to mail me it, but I invite her over to my condo in sort of an immature way of gloating 'Look at what you've lost' type thing.

She comes over, and we have a good time. I flirt with her confidently, and she clearly notices the new, interesting, charismatic man I've become after studying the principles of this website, and the Game.

Now she wants to get back together, hard, which (now that I know where we failed) would actually be great, but she informed me that she dated and slept with another man during our time apart. She thought he was the type of guy she wanted, but now realizes what we had was way better.

At this point, I realize that I don't need to sleep with a bunch of other woman in order to be happy with her, but I'm having trouble debating whether I should get back together without at least giving it a chance. Aside from that, the thought that she slept with another man is really pissing me off. I feel like I need to get even, but I'm not even sure if that will help. The first weekend back in the city, I had an (unsuccessful) one night stand, the second weekend I ended up having a successful one night stand. But these girls are all sluts, and nothing compared to my ex.

At this juncture, I'm thinking I want to date and have a relationship with another girl before committing to my ex. But this is motivated solely because she was able to go off, date and have fun while I was working. In fact, when I look at her Facebook pics, I can tell she was really focusing on making herself 'hot' during our time apart, and now it seems like she's wearing a lot more comfortable clothes.

We've had sex multiple times, but when she asks, I tell her we're not exclusive. To complicate things, I've met another girl who is actually very cool and interested. However, my ex is more attractive, and appears to share more of my interests. I'm at the point where I think I should date this new girl just to satisfy my curiosity of being emotionally invested in someone else, even though I know eventually I'll return to my ex because we connect on a deeper level… we just got in a rut and made some mistakes.

To further complicate things.. she is going to Poland to visit her family for 3 months (in 3 months) with the big possibility to permanently move there. I'm tempted to let her go, have my fun, and try to work it out later, but I'm thinking the second I make that decision clear I'll realize what a huge mistake it is. As I said, I'm more attracted to her than any girl in the world, and we share almost everything of interest. Despite that, the thought of her getting the clarity of a little exploration without me ever experiencing it is causing me to hesitate on committing (let alone potentially getting married down the line.)

All of my friends / family tell me to stay away as they think it was a completely one sided breakup. In reality though, I would have taken it a lot better if I wasn't in such a unpopulated area being engulfed with work during our breakup. My gut tells me, if I had the 6 months to explore as she did and we were both still interested, we probably wouldn't have any problems and would live happily ever after (despite her sleeping with the other gentlemen.)

I suppose I have four options:

1. Continue pursuing different women while keeping her as another girl I am 'dating'. (Keep in mind, this may be difficult as we were in a very involved long-term relationship and she's not just 'another girl.' I can already tell I'm demotivated to date other woman because I am getting re-invested in my ex.)
2. Tell her that I need more time to be free myself, and we can re-evaluate it when/if she comes back from Poland.
3. Realize what we had is over, and find a new girl.
4. Re-commit and work towards re-building something real with her.

Anyone ever experience anything similar and have some advice to shed?

 

[iqqi]

#2 easy.

 

[Fuglydude]

I've never experienced anything like that... However, I am engaged and we have an awesome relationship.

First of all man, you're over analyzing and over-thinking the entire situation. Its a basic primeval male tendency to wanna bang tons of girls... and I strongly believe that those of us who have done this are more likely to have successful LTRs later in life. Never feel bad for wanting to do what your instincts want you to do. Its simply the natural order of things.

Why are you upset that she banged another guy?? You guys were officially broken up, so its not like she cheated on you.

In the end you gotta figure out what really makes you happy. Are you happy being in an LTR or do you wanna play the field? In my opinion no one should get into an LTR unless they wanna make babies with the girl and get married... Are you truly sure this girl is "the one"? How old are you?

In any relationship, the person that needs the other party the least has the most power. As a guy you should always hold the most power in a relationship. Let her go, let her do her own thing, work on improving yourself and become the best man that you can be... I'm talking from a career/education/business, physique, and social perspective. She'll come crawling back to you... and if she doesn't you'll have a ton of other options to choose from.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[CharlieM]

Thanks for replies.

Fugly: Good to hear about your awesome relationship.

You're probably right, as it is right now, I have not much desire to bang tons of girls. Even though I haven't gone buckwild and 'sowed my oats', whenever I get a girl interested, I realize that she's nothing compared to my ex... I think I may have just lucked out on my first.

No, she definitely didn't cheat, and she waited at least 3 months before she moved on, it's just upsetting that she had this time to be wild and single, and I didn't.

At this point, all the girls I see in the bar, the girls in the street, etc. don't compare at all to my ex. I want to get back together, but I don't want issues to resurface when we have our first fight.

I thought she was the one, then after our breakup, I spent 6 months convincing myself she wasn't. Now I don't really know. I'm 25. It seems difficult to say she's the one after she just told me she slept with someone else, but she is an attractive girl in the service industry and probably got swarmed by men after we broke up. Honestly, I had thought in her confusion she had slept with many guys. I heard from a friend that she was at a party with a famous good looking celebrity who showed interest in her. I thought for sure that something had happened, but she turned him down.

I agree about the power struggle, and it's at the point now that I have the most power. As it is now, I will definitely be in control of the relationship. I worked over the last months to improve myself and now she is crawling back. The question is whether or not I should take her and hope the desire to have sex with other girls doesn't come back.

Let me put it this way, if I went to a bar and met her for the first time, she would be my dream girl, and I would probably propose shortly after. Our past just makes things a little complicated.

Before posting this thread, we actually had a date lined up for tomorrow, so at the least I'm going to entertain that.

 

[CharlieM]

iqqi. You're probably right, and after tomorrow I'll hopefully have more clarity.

 

[vatoloco]

I quickly found my first girlfriend after I gained this confidence. We got along so well that we skipped the dating process, immediately moved in and were together for 3.5 years…

I'm curious. Did she ever bring up the "Where is this going?" conversation? How old are you both?

...she reluctantly offered a threesome if it will resolve this issue. (Keep in mind she's very attractive, and has slept with a couple people before me (4))

Although most guys would tell you "Way to go dude!", I see it as detrimental. A good woman IN LOVE will not want to share her man.

(Nor did we care to, because we were both bored with the relationship.)

She started a new job as a waitress, and became distant. She decided to move out and get her own place near her co-workers because she wanted some individuality back (My interpretation: the people she was working with offered a more exciting life than what we had.)

Actually, it's VERY likely that she found someone and wanted to be with/closer to him.

A week or two before I leave, she starts crying and says we need to break up. I agree, and we both feel a pretty large sense of relief as we're both free to explore other options without guilt.

And this is where it should have ended. Once a woman suggests "to break up", you can stick a fork in it because it's done. A good woman IN LOVE would not want to break up with the man she loves.

Now she wants to get back together, hard, which (now that I know where we failed) would actually be great, but she informed me that she dated and slept with another man during our time apart. She thought he was the type of guy she wanted, but now realizes what we had was way better.

Translation: Remember when I moved out? Yeah, I was going for a potential BBD (Bigger, Better Deal) but it turned out not to be. Although he pounded me day and night, I want you to take me back and pretend nothing happened. Okies? <3

Aside from that, the thought that she slept with another man is really pissing me off.

Although since you guys were broken up it was okay for her to fuck another guy (though I suspect she fucked him while you guys were still together), the fact that another man was inside her will never leave your mind. She took another man's load and perhaps even swallowed when she blew him. That's why you should never go back to an ex.

To further complicate things.. she is going to Poland to visit her family for 3 months (in 3 months) with the big possibility to permanently move there.

These are all signs from God, man. He's basically telling you: This girl's no good for you. Time to spin a new plate, my son.

3. Realize what we had is over, and find a new girl.

This is what you need to do. You will always have her sleeping with someone else in the back of your mind. And it will drive you nuts. Slowly you will accumulate resentment towards her and the relationship will ultimately fail, wasting perfectly good time, money and effort that could be utilized towards a new girl.

Sounds to me like she had marginal IL in you, stuck around due to being comfortable around you BUT NOT FULLY IN LOVE WITH YOU, found a potential BBD, it didn't work out, saw that you improved and wants back in.

My two cents. Good luck to you my friend.

 

[49au]

Trust me OP, I have been there. No matter how much you like the girl - if you don't have the "party" out of your system, the relationship WILL fail.

I was miserable through a 2 year LTR because she was SUCH a good girl and she fvcked me constantly, but I just had that urge and it hadn't been satisfied yet. I just prolonged the inevitable. She will NEVER make you happy enough to control that urge, you just have to get it out of your system on your own.

 

[penkitten]

you have just experienced what we refer to as "the returning fox".

the returning fox returns to you because after a long time apart, she thinks she messed her life up by breaking things off with you and now suddenly sees that you have done well without her and now she wants you back.

if you take a returning fox back, things sour quickly. ruts go right back to where they used to be. before you know it, you'll be pulling your hair out over the same situation with one new item: she slept with other men while she was gone. other men that she thought were better suited for her than you. when this hits good and hard in your heart, it stings!

if you can walk away from "the returning fox" and not go down this road... you will save yourself trouble and heartache, and it will leave her with the bittersweet taste of regret in her mind for breaking up in the first place.

they say you can't go home again. i believe the relationship soured long ago.

 

[The_411]

Listen to penkitten, she's helped quite a few guys here including myself (even if I didn't follow her advice and had to learn the hard way).

You were missing her because she made you unsure because she was being non-comittal. By taking her back you reward her prior non-comittal behavior and nullify all the self improvement you made.

You spent time making yourself better for someone new not for some who didn't aprpeciate you the first time around and now realizes she's well beneath your level.

Rule of thumb never take a girl back when she's trying to win you back because she isn't where she wants to be. What has she done to improve herself? Why should she reap the rewards of your self-improvement while you reap nothing from her.

 

[Zunder]

I smell a rat here. These are your first few posts, you don't have your age in your profile, and thats a pretty in-depth first post.
How did you hear about sosuave?

I say this is made up. Troll. Whatever you want to call it. Its BS.

Where's the cussing (apart from your thread title)? Where's th typo's. Its just all too well written. I'd even go so far as to say you are a chick. Is this some sort of made up essay to see what sort of reactions you will get from a typical SS forum poster?

 

[CharlieM]

vatoloco:

No, she never brought up "Where is this going?"… we always thought we were going to get married… we even had a dog together. Near the end though, we both talked to each other about how we didn't really see marriage on the horizon anymore… we were in a pretty rough state. I'm 25, she's 23.

The threesome option was discussed pretty early, and she was immature then. As the relationship progressed she became less and less open to it. (Even though she still agreed it would be ok.)

I agree that she definitely found someone, or at least had options available that she thought might make her happier. She denies this, but even if it's subconscious, it's definitely true. I remember her telling me stories about random guys throwing negs at her while she was working… ****tail waitress in one of the busiest restaurants in my country… she was definitely getting hit on like crazy, while I was off working at home projecting no value whatsoever.

The problem lies in the fact that the breakup was pretty mutual. When she brought it up, I was pretty pumped to get out there and start dating myself. I had no idea how desolate the area I was going to was going to be. She stayed in the big city with her new coworkers (who I hadn't met) and was able to keep her mind off of me while I was in the middle of nowhere with our dog, pictures, etc. thinking about what I've lost.

I appreciate the rawness in explaining how this other guy banged her. Perhaps that's what I need… that being said, if I had the opportunity, I would have been banging other girls too (I'm only now getting that opportunity). They had sex twice, she said it wasn't good and she only thought of me (I know cliche, but I believe her). I came to terms with it until I found out she gave him a ******* during the sex which is a mental image that ****s my **** up. That being said, I've fooled around with a few girls, so I don't want to be hypocritical. She definitely did NOT **** him while we were together, I see how you might think that though. I'm sure there could have been flirtation going on (Even though she denies it.)

Good advice, your last paragraph is definitely a perspective that I'm afraid is true, however, is there possibly another other perspective that a great (albeit inexperienced) couple might get plagued by debt, spending too much time together, lack of personal identity then see some greener grass from outside influences. Realize the grass isn't green, come back to each other and work it out? Definitely not a fairy tale romance, but we are only animals, and she waited 3-5 months before sleeping with this other guy. I'm just curious about the normalcy of this situation. (Reminds me of this comic I saw awhile ago, as I said though, it wasn't entirely one sided. http://mingle2.com/dating/phases )


samspade:

Excellent Swingers reference, I was actually going to bring that up. I saw it about a month after we broke up, and it does indeed remind me of our situation - especially now. From the alternate perspective, the movie Chaos Theory reminds me about how a guy might potentially give up on an awesome girl because she hooked up with someone during their one-week break. It's difficult to follow movies when so many variables are involved.

A month before we broke up, my indifference about the relationship motivated me to get this book, which she found in my drawer: (http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350). I think it understandably made her even more insecure, which led to her pulling the plug.

I guess the only difference is that things got old, and we BOTH wanted to break it off to experience greener grass. I just have a hard time dealing with the fact that she actually sampled.

49au / all:

You're really making me consider option #2. After giving it another 6 months, I'll probably have dated enough women to truly know that she is good enough to forgive and look past what she did… as hypocritical as that sounds. At this point, she's gotten the party out of her system, I suppose I just haven't yet. On the bright side, she'll be living with her parents during that time and won't be having nearly as many opportunities to hook up as she did in the months following our relationship.

I'm thinking the best way of getting over the fact that she's slept with someone else, is to sleep with enough people that I have a more relaxed opinion towards sex. As it is right now she's slept with more people than me, which kind of makes me uncomfortable if we were to commit and spend our lives together. (Especially since one of hers was during our break up.)

Thanks again all, I was beginning to get one-itis, and my work was suffering. You've motivated me to continue looking out for myself, pushing myself, and not take the easy road with my ex.

Will keep you posted on tomorrow. Any advice on how I should handle it? She coming over in the morning.

 

[CharlieM]

Just saw the new replies (penkitten / the_411)… even more motivation for option #2. Thanks again.

Zunder: I'm more of a lurker who's been reading Sosuave on and off. (Think I initially found it through Google.) I just made the account today and didn't completely fill it out. Sorry if you think I'm a troll. Any questions that you might want to ask me to prove my authenticity, go ahead.

I'm sorry there's not enough cussing to be authentic (?) and wouldn't it make sense for the first post to be something pretty in-depth? I mean, isn't the main reason for making an account to post? Why would you make an account to post something not significant. Thanks for the well written compliment =) But thanks retracted for thinking I'm a chick… haha.

 

[CharlieM]

vatoloco:

No, she never brought up "Where is this going?"… we always thought we were going to get married… we even had a dog together. Near the end though, we both talked to each other about how we didn't really see marriage on the horizon anymore… we were in a pretty rough state. I'm 25, she's 23.

The threesome option was discussed pretty early, and she was immature then. As the relationship progressed she became less and less open to it. (Even though she still agreed it would be ok.)

I agree that she definitely found someone, or at least had options available that she thought might make her happier. She denies this, but even if it's subconscious, it's definitely true. I remember her telling me stories about random guys throwing negs at her while she was working… ****tail waitress in one of the busiest restaurants in my country… she was definitely getting hit on like crazy, while I was off working at home projecting no value whatsoever.

The problem lies in the fact that the breakup was pretty mutual. When she brought it up, I was pretty pumped to get out there and start dating myself. I had no idea how desolate the area I was going to was going to be. She stayed in the big city with her new coworkers (who I hadn't met) and was able to keep her mind off of me while I was in the middle of nowhere with our dog, pictures, etc. thinking about what I've lost.

I appreciate the rawness in explaining how this other guy banged her. Perhaps that's what I need… that being said, if I had the opportunity, I would have been banging other girls too (I'm only now getting that opportunity). They had sex twice, she said it wasn't good and she only thought of me (I know cliche, but I believe her). I came to terms with it until I found out she gave him a ******* during the sex which is a mental image that ****s my **** up. That being said, I've fooled around with a few girls, so I don't want to be hypocritical. She definitely did NOT **** him while we were together, I see how you might think that though. I'm sure there could have been flirtation going on (Even though she denies it.)

Good advice, your last paragraph is definitely a perspective that I'm afraid is true, however, is there possibly another other perspective that a great (albeit inexperienced) couple might get plagued by debt, spending too much time together, lack of personal identity then see some greener grass from outside influences. Realize the grass isn't green, come back to each other and work it out? Definitely not a fairy tale romance, but we are only animals, and she waited 3-5 months before sleeping with this other guy. I'm just curious about the normalcy of this situation. (Reminds me of this comic I saw awhile ago, as I said though, it wasn't entirely one sided. http://mingle2.com/dating/phases )

 

[CharlieM]

samspade:

Excellent Swingers reference, I was actually going to bring that up. I saw it about a month after we broke up, and it does indeed remind me of our situation - especially now. From the alternate perspective, the movie Chaos Theory reminds me about how a guy might potentially give up on an awesome girl because she hooked up with someone during their one-week break. It's difficult to follow movies when so many variables are involved.

A month before we broke up, my indifference about the relationship motivated me to get this book, which she found in my drawer: (http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350). I think it understandably made her even more insecure, which led to her pulling the plug.

I guess the only difference is that things got old, and we BOTH wanted to break it off to experience greener grass. I just have a hard time dealing with the fact that she actually sampled.

49au / all:

You're really making me consider option #2. After giving it another 6 months, I'll probably have dated enough women to truly know that she is good enough to forgive and look past what she did… as hypocritical as that sounds. At this point, she's gotten the party out of her system, I suppose I just haven't yet. On the bright side, she'll be living with her parents during that time and won't be having nearly as many opportunities to hook up as she did in the months following our relationship.

I'm thinking the best way of getting over the fact that she's slept with someone else, is to sleep with enough people that I have a more relaxed opinion towards sex. As it is right now she's slept with more people than me, which kind of makes me uncomfortable if we were to commit and spend our lives together. (Especially since one of hers was during our break up.)

Thanks again all, I was beginning to get one-itis, and my work was suffering. You've motivated me to continue looking out for myself, pushing myself, and not take the easy road with my ex.

Will keep you posted on tomorrow. Any advice on how I should handle it? She coming over in the morning.

 

[Slickster]

Actions speak louder than words and she's going to Poland.

Move on.



P.S.

Never "take a break" or "re-evaluate a relationship later".

 

[DMEDFISIK]

I know members are usually adamant on moving on, but I would take option number 2. But whilst taking this option, you must still be prepared to fully let her go.

 

[bugsquish]

Lots of great advice coming in here. Even if there was any point in giving this another go, the fact that she's going away for 3 months is a final nail in the coffin. Even a stable relationship would struggle with this much time apart, never mind a battered and bruised one with this much baggage.

You're looking at the past with rose tinted glasses, and you've got the world at your feet. The fact that she's leaving is a massive blessing. You'll have time to sort out your head and realise that there are lots of girls just as attractive, or more, who you can click with just as intimately, without the baggage.

 

[5string]

Exclusive or not, she fvcked another guy. People who are truly in love, even if not together don't do that.

Leave her.