This doesn't have much to do with pick-up

[MikeYikes122]

But it's something I think you all can help me with, likely better than anyone else I know personally. I have been away from the boards for over three years, so forgive me now if this gets a little long-winded. I guess I have a lot of filling in to do.

About six years ago I found this message board. I think it was when this board was hosted on the DonJuan.com site I believe. I was 17 and I was the classic late bloomer - a story that has probably become cliche to most of you by now, so I will spare you all most of the details.

To make the long story short, in a matter of one awkward high school year I had gone from a short, gangly and insignificant 16-year-old to a guy who was 5-10, kind of muscular and had a deep voice. Lots of girls took notice of me and by the time college started (fall 2002) I had almost completely found myself and my personality. I have what I know now is the personality of a natural. I'm outgoing, decisive, good at making people feel at ease and a talker/charmer. The natural inside of me was just being repressed for years because of later bloomer-dom and a severe case of shyness.

Luckily, I had a state university filled with thousands upon thousands of people who didn't know the real me, giving me the perfect opportunity to come out of my shell entirely and make a lot of friends who would learn to like the person I actually was.

For the first time in my life I was me, and those five years of college were the best of my life.

But I came face-to-face with a stark reality at the beginning of this summer. In a classic case of my decisiveness slapping straight across the face, I made the decision on a whim to take a summer job in a major city where my friends from high school go to graduate school. The next move seemed natural: move in with my old buddies, reminisce and spend the summer making up for the time we'd been apart for all of our college years.

I'm sure you know where this is going, or at least I hope you do so I can get some advice.

To make another long story short. The summer sucked, probably the worst since my dark, pre-pubescent high school years. It turns out my friends are actually jerks who talk down to people, namely me. All summer, I've had to contend with them trying start pissing match after pissing match with me. At the start of the summer, they would try to belittle me and act alpha around me, making comments that would force whatever group of people we were with to be subservient to them, not me or anyone else. One near-fist fight between me and couple of them, however, put an end to their behavior. Though, they still make the occasional thinly-veiled remark at me, and if I respond to that and tell them to STFU, I'm labeled overly defensive and stand-offish. I believe I heard one of them say I have a Napoleon Complex last month. Thankfully, I don't need your confirmation that I don't have any obscure psychological issues because I too spent years reading and posting on these boards, so I know way more than I should about social-psychological theory.

Among other things, I have had an epiphany about my upbringing. My tight circle of high school friends, I now realize, are the stereotypical white, private school, spoiled rich kids who look down upon anything that doesn't walk, talk and look like them. I am from the same privileged environment, but my parents forced me to play sports, get a job in high school and pay for my own car. So I know about society and responsibility, unlike them. And to make matters worse, my friends all possess a lot of AFC traits, and they usually scare off any girls around when we go out. Unfortunately, I am girlfriendless and insanely busy with work, so I haven't really got much action this summer, either.

To get to the crux of my question, I move out on Thursday and will relocate for my job about 50 miles south of the city we currently live in. I originally planned on just ditching them and never really calling them again, but it dawned on me last night that I still can have some pretty good times with them, like when we're out at a meal or watching a sporting event together and laughing hysterically at inside jokes. I also feel an obligation to their families - many of whom I am extremely close with. One of my buddy's moms tells me all the time I am her favorite, and one night she was a little tipsy and even told me that I was the only positive influence her son (my friend) had in his life. He is in all sorts of trouble with the law, his sister is suffering from alcohism and his parents have divorced. I feel like I'll let his mom down if I just flatout ditch him.

So have any of you had to deal with anything like this where you made a handful of really good friends as an AFC? I realize I am technically about a year and a half to young to post on here, but I thought you guys would be best suited to field a question like this. I am open to whatever advice/anecdotes you might have so don't be afraid to post your thoughts.

 

[TurboLover]

I've had a similar situation with my friends from high school. Went out one night and got into an argument and had a fall out with them. Didn't talk to them for months. They were in the Marines and I heard that they were getting shipped to Iraq. So I got back in touch and realized that hanging out with them once in a while works. Around their birthdays and holidays when family is close.

It will eventually work itself out.

 

[JLR]

They don't know how to take you b/c to them, you'll always be the AFC geek. The ways in which you improved yourself just hasn't sunk in, and it may never sink in. I respect the obligation you feel towards friends of your family, etc., but always remember that your primary responsibility is to yourself. Surrounding yourself w/ such negativity is totally the wrong way to go; sometimes you have to NEXT friends as you would a ho....

 

[hithard]

sometimes you have to NEXT friends as you would a ho....

Sounds bad, but is good advice. Sounds like you have moved on from this stage in your life.

I have friends like this that I only see maybe once a year now. But who I was very close to when I was younger. I always had higher aspirations. And in the end they had a lot of issues and would tear me down if they had half a chance.
When I do see them, it’s like I feel I have never changed from the person I was all those years ago. I had a wonderful time back then don’t get me wrong. But times change and most of my friends have stayed the same.

Is this your only social group close by at the moment?

 

[kingwilliam]

I think the best way to handle a situation like this would be to just occasionally hang out with the old friends....holidays, anything that brings you guys back to your hometown. Other than that, I would move on and practice what you have gotten good at - making new, more diverse friends. You're not abandoning them, you are simply moving on with your life. You should not feel obligated to hang out with them. It sounds like you are the one who has grown up. Let it go and have a drink or two with them on Christmas.

Joe

 

[joekerr31]

we go through four phases in our lives.

phase one: the lost phase (0-25)
phase two: the mission phase (25-40)
phase three: the leader phase (40-60)
phase four: the take it easy / who gives a f*ck phase (60-death)


you're just exiting phase one. personally, as you exit this phase, i'm a fan of cutting as much ties to it as possible. cut loose all the baggage you can. resentment towards your parents, longings for lost loves, your own perceptions of who you are (becuase you will not always be who you were, or even are), etc.

and especially cut loose of friends that don't fit with the future you are trying to create for yourself.

we tend to hold on to the things in phase one becuase we needed them so much. its the toughest and most confusing phase of life, and as such we become overly attached to elements of that phase.

but phase two is about becoming your own man. taking on life yourself. choosing your friends, instead of circumstance making the choice (ie. frank was my neighbour, or Jim was in all my highschool classes, etc.).

phase two is the best part of life.

phase three comes when you are 100% comfortable taking life on yourself. so much so that you no longer NEED anyones support and you actually become the pillar of support for other people - you become a leader.

phase four is retirement. kick back and enjoy what you've managed to build in life.

anyway, i just pulled those four phases out the crack of my *ss, but i think they make sense. its how i see my life unfolding so far.

 

[JLR]

Sounds bad, but is good advice. Sounds like you have moved on from this stage in your life.

I have friends like this that I only see maybe once a year now. But who I was very close to when I was younger. I always had higher aspirations. And in the end they had a lot of issues and would tear me down if they had half a chance.
When I do see them, it’s like I feel I have never changed from the person I was all those years ago. I had a wonderful time back then don’t get me wrong. But times change and most of my friends have stayed the same.

Is this your only social group close by at the moment?

Yes, I wen through this a couple years ago. It wasn't easy. BUT, part of my self-improvement "program" was to control the things that I can control--people with whom I choose to associate/socialize is one of the things I have control over. I made the conscious decision that I will only be around people who will help in my growth. The rest I have either cut-out of my life completely, or I see them infrequently.

I maintain multiple social circles. I get different things from each, but the one commonality is that I experience personal/professional growth. I have 3 true friends, and I can now distinguish who are my friends, buddies, associates, etc. I try to develop relationships in general as much as I can (usually time constraints for me). I want to broaden my horizons as much as possible. Again, my attitude is that my main responsibility is to myself. I wish you luck b/c you seem like a good/sincere person (as I consider myself to be); it will be tough (as it was for me). Just remember though: be responsible for yourself only......at least until you have your own family, if that's what you want.

 

[MikeYikes122]

Thanks for all the advice

Sorry, I have been busy with work all day and just haven't gotten a chance to respond to everything. I appreciate all the responses here.

After reading the responses and doing some more thinking, I've decided to buy a bottle of booze as a gift for my friend, who is the homeowner. Not necessarily as a peace plea, but more so because I think it's the right and polite thing to do. Even though he has been a jerk-off for a big portion of the summer, he converted his office into a bedroom for me and gave me a place to live when I literally was homeless. Plus, the rent was only $280 a month, and for the city that is cheap to the point that it is almost unheard of.

But as for my friendship with all three of them, I'm not going to actively pursue it or call them to catch up like I used to. Like one of you suggested, I'm going to hangout with them on special occasions: holidays, family gatherings, football games, etc. But I won't be vacationing with them, living with them or doing anything that requires I spend a large amount of time with them.

I think I can kind of get the best of both worlds by taking this route. I can still remain close to their families and hang on to our friendships by a thread, but at the same time I can also continue growing as a person and meeting people who are better company.

I figure, who knows, maybe one, two or even all three of them will get thrown in the slammer or experience some other event that forces them to step back and realize the kinds of people they are. I think it's going to take an occurrence of monumental occasion for them to snap out of it, but again, who knows? Anything is possible.

This is only slightly related to my current situation, but I think a lot of us late bloomers (I know there are many of us here) are really blessed. We experienced issues at a young age that forced us to think introspectively, mature and grow-up. I know I became a good writer when I was shy in middle school/high school because I couldn't express myself with actual words, so I turned to writing instead. Idiots like my friends, however, haven't experienced really any personal growth at all, and they haven't changed or grown up much at all yet. Their worst days are undoubtedly ahead of them, and their mid-20s will likely be defined by some of the worst times of their lives. Eventually they'll have their epiphanies, and that will be a bitter realization. I'm glad that I don't have to deal with anything like that.

Thanks again for the advice. I think all this has made me decide that I will make my return to SoSuave.net. I could always use the advice on women, and the Mature Men forum seems like a decent spot.