Thinking about leaving my wife

[Illest]

This is my first post on this forum. And it's because I really need advice. This is obviously as serious of a decision as it gets, and while I do not plan to rely on a bunch of strangers on the internet to make it for me, I would very much appreciate people's viewpoints.

I've been married to my wife for four years. We have no children and don't plan to in the near future. We are happy. My wife absolutely adores me. She is sweet, attractive, and the sex is good. I trust her completely. I am generally content with our life together. I feel strong affection for her. I could see us living out the rest of our lives together and I would not be miserable; I could even be happy.

The problem is I have never been in love with my wife. I don’t feel challenged by her and I rarely feel excited by her. She is the only woman I have ever been with, but I have been in love before with another girl, and I’ve never felt the same butterflies in my stomach with my wife that I did with her. I married my wife because I was soft and I let momentum carry me. In the months leading up to our engagement, I actually tried, very weakly, to break up with her twice, but could not bear her tears and her sadness.

But now we are married, and I vowed to stay with her for the rest of my life. Is it right for me to leave her now when she has done nothing to warrant it? Everything I know about her now I knew before I married her. Can I possibly break her heart and destroy all the dreams she had of us together?

And would leaving her even be the best decision for me? I find that our values are different. She wants a big house, status, lots of nice things. While I am certainly not opposed to those things, they are not my priority in life. But are all women like that? If I want to eventually have kids, I need to be married, but will I be able to actually find a high quality woman whom I respect, admire, and am crazy about? Or am I being too idealistic? Should I be satisfied with the fact that I’m married to an attractive woman who loves and adores me?

 

[donking]

Your biggest problem is you married without sampling other girls. If your wife was a virgin before you met her, keep her since you most likely won't get another woman who is as bonded to you as this one and ignore the following... else,

If she has been around with a few (>1) men before, discretely find a way to satisfy your hunger for some strange. Since she was able to taste other men, you should have the chance to do the same with women. Never bring it up to her if you decide to stay with her. In any case, you may find out that you don't want to be with her after this, then you will know. The reason you don't do this if she is a virgin is you will feel guilty. You won't feel as guilty if she's been around and you have not.

If you had had other women before marrying, my advice would be different: suck it up.

My hope is when you go on a date with another woman, which you most likely will, this will trigger some love for your wife.

 

[Sonic1]

This is my first post on this forum. And it's because I really need advice. This is obviously as serious of a decision as it gets, and while I do not plan to rely on a bunch of strangers on the internet to make it for me, I would very much appreciate people's viewpoints.

I've been married to my wife for four years. We have no children and don't plan to in the near future. We are happy. My wife absolutely adores me. She is sweet, attractive, and the sex is good. I trust her completely. I am generally content with our life together.Sounds pretty sweet to me!I feel strong affection for her. I could see us living out the rest of our lives together and I would not be miserable; I could even be happy.

The problem is I have never been in love with my wife. I don’t feel challenged by herWhat does this mean? and I rarely feel excited by her. She is the only woman I have ever been with, but I have been in love before with another girl, and I’ve never felt the same butterflies in my stomach with my wife that I did with her. I married my wife because I was soft and I let momentum carry me. In the months leading up to our engagement, I actually tried, very weakly, to break up with her twice, but could not bear her tears and her sadness.

But now we are married, and I vowed to stay with her for the rest of my life. Is it right for me to leave her now when she has done nothing to warrant it?That's a question only you can answer. Everything I know about her now I knew before I married her. Can I possibly break her heart and destroy all the dreams she had of us togetherDo you share these dreams??

And would leaving her even be the best decision for me? I find that our values are different. She wants a big house, status, lots of nice things. If you haven't had a discussion about how your values are different, it's time to stop *****footing around how you feel before you get into serious debt. While I am certainly not opposed to those things, they are not my priority in life.Are they? Are you sure? But are all women like that?Lots are because it's considered what's normal in American life. If I want to eventually have kids, I need to be married, but will I be able to actually find a high quality woman whom I respect, admire, and am crazy about?This almost contradicts what you stated in your first paragraph--you said you feel strong affection for her. Or am I being too idealistic? Should I be satisfied with the fact that I’m married to an attractive woman who loves and adores me?

Sounds like you've got "the grass is greener" or "buyers remorse" mindset going on. I was married before and had the same things going on in my mind that you did. I suspect this is normal with most people. The big difference is that my ex went out and cheated on me. Who can predict what will happen if you decide to divorce her? No one! You may meet another woman that you decide you love and she may treat you like crap.

My take is that you should be very careful about how you proceed. I suspect that you are not communicating with your wife about her future dreams or what you want to do. If not, why? Obviously you're not sure about how to proceed. My advice is to proceed slowly, think logically and remember that some bells cannot be unrung once you ring them. Don't do anything you're not ready to do and be willing to accept the consequences of your decision.

 

[bmp2cpm]

So you want butterflies? Butterflies often occur with oneitis. Oneitis can be very dangerous. Stay with a woman for amazing sex and her domestic skills, not butterflies. If your wife gives you so much sex, you can barely think about sex, stay. If you think about sex right after you too are alone, look elsewhere. Butterflies are a result of putting a woman on a pedistal. Don't do that.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Illest,
The sex is good,no financial problems,no competition,In a long life I have never seen an unlikely situation like this.

 

[VladPatton]

Bro, have you seen what the dating scene is like?? If she's attractive, gives you sex, and is not a psycho, stay. Don't think about this 24/7, do other things. Have a more alpha-oriented mindset and chill. You don't exactly have it THAT bad. Ride it out.

 

[yeahbuddy14]

Don't do something you might later regret, remember why you married her.

 

[zekko]

I agree with bpm2cpm. Butterflies are associated with oneitis. I've found that my best relationships have been with girls that I cared about, but not so much that it drove me crazy, you know?

You want to have a certain level of detachment and unemotionalism with your girl for it to work smoothly as it was intended. Emotions are for women, and if you get all googly-eyed, it will actually turn the girl off and compromise your masculinity.

Just a certain level of detachment mind you, I don't mean you shouldn't be attracted to her. It just shouldn't be to the point where it messes with your head.

 

[Desdinova]

There is a real lack of info here. What's the back story on your wife? Was she a virgin when you married her? Was she low-mileage in a sexual sense? If either of these were the case, I'd recommend staying with her because it sounds like she may be valuable.

If you find things are getting boring in the marriage, then it's YOUR responsibility to make it more interesting. Find things to do with her that the both of you haven't tried yet. Take dance lessons, go on a unique vacation, learn a new language together, basically anything that helps create new and interesting memories. Your city should have a selection of programs that the both of you could take. If you want her to look more sexy for you, go lingerie shopping with her and help her pick something out (note: NEVER pick something out for her on your own!) Make the bedroom more exciting with different positions, different experiences, different kinds of foreplay, etc. You have a woman who's comfortable with you, so why not create new adventures with her?

Laziness in the relationship is lethal. You need to WORK at it to keep things fresh and interesting, even for yourself.

Don't take a valuable woman for granted. The dating scene is the 5hits, full of women who are low-quality wh0res that will throw you away at the drop of a hat. You may end up searching for her replacement the rest of your life.

 

[Epimanes]

Hi.. I been married to my high school sweetheart since we were 19. Wedated from 15. Still together today.. And happier now than I can remember. All marriages are work.. Beeenn through a lot of time where we didn't feel love for eachother.. Probably 6years or so of not feeling love. But that phase has come and gone.

Love is a choice and an action. You can recreate love. Its there... It has to be rebuilt. My suggeestions are to work on it. The places I used to rebuild our love are www.marriagebuilders.com (teaches you about eachothers needs and how to meet them for eachother and builds comfort and bonds) and www.marriedmansexlife.com (teaches you good alpha skills and how to be the leader of your marriage, how to like and better yourself,and how. To be the man a good wife needs).

Check em out... The love "butterflies" as you say is your dopeamine system.. Its fleeting... Comes and goes... But you can recreate using the tools from those 2 places I suggested.

Epi

 

[Weaver]

My wife absolutely adores me. She is sweet, attractive, and the sex is good. I trust her completely.

Sounds great. Do not leave her.

I am generally content with our life together. I feel strong affection for her. I could see us living out the rest of our lives together and I would not be miserable; I could even be happy.

You should be happy. Do not leave her.

The problem is I have never been in love with my wife. I don’t feel challenged by her and I rarely feel excited by her.

You can get plenty of challenge and excitement from Cluster B psycho b*tches. If you had experience with such types, you would probably value your wife a lot more. Do not leave her.

I married my wife because I was soft and I let momentum carry me. In the months leading up to our engagement, I actually tried, very weakly, to break up with her twice, but could not bear her tears and her sadness.

Imagine how devastated she'd be if you left her now. Do not leave her.

But now we are married, and I vowed to stay with her for the rest of my life.

Keep your word. Do not leave her.

Is it right for me to leave her now when she has done nothing to warrant it? Everything I know about her now I knew before I married her. Can I possibly break her heart and destroy all the dreams she had of us together?

Consider the many evils your decision could lead to. She might commit suicide. She might become susceptible to feminist propaganda. She might become a carousel-riding slut. At the very least, as a divorcee, her chances with higher quality men will be severely diminished. Do not ruin her. Do not leave her.

And would leaving her even be the best decision for me?

Depends on what you want, but probably not. After years of marriage, your wife is still "sweet" and "attractive." Many women are neither from the start. Others become b*tchy and/or fat after the marriage contract is signed and they no longer need to make an effort to be pleasant in either demeanor or appearance. Your wife is special. Do not leave her.

I find that our values are different. She wants a big house, status, lots of nice things. While I am certainly not opposed to those things, they are not my priority in life. But are all women like that? If I want to eventually have kids, I need to be married, but will I be able to actually find a high quality woman whom I respect, admire, and am crazy about? Or am I being too idealistic? Should I be satisfied with the fact that I’m married to an attractive woman who loves and adores me?

You do not have to satisfy unreasonable demands. Then the ball will be in her court: if she leaves you for a man who can provide "a big house, status, lots of nice things," then good riddance. If she prefers you to all those things, then you have a keeper.

 

[FairShake]

There will come a time in life where you do not care about butterflies and being in love.

A time when the creature comforts of good sex with someone that you adore and a strong relationship with someone you trust will set you far apart and above most jaded men.

You are stuck in a rut and that sucks. But loneliness can, sometimes suck more. No need to blow the car up to get out of the rut, get behind the car and push it to where you want to go.

You don't leave a good job without another better job waiting for you. That's logical, man stuff. I think you can apply it here too.

 

[AAAgent]

I had a girlfriend like this. I got suckered into a relationship…I tried to play it off at first like fwb but that didn't work when i accidentally called her my gf when i ran into family. Adored me, sex was good, cooked amazingly well, cleaned, etc.

She was great and sweet but just didn't have the same values as i did. Plus she would always push religion on me from time to time. Eventually, i lost interest in her……She would want to have sex but i couldn't get it up…She would get angry from frustration….eventually i had to break it off.

My first mistake was not being firm in the hook-up and letting myself fall into a relationship…My second mistake was not fixing the mistake asap….luckily i only lost 8-9 months so it wasn't that bad but you've been dragging on yours too long.

 

[SteR]

Sounds like a case of grass is greener.

Btw, you forget that butterflies never last - it's a fleeting feeling. Even if you did leave your wife and went after someone that gave you this feeling, it'd eventually fade and you'd be back in exactly the same position.

I think a lot of guys would be very happy to be in your position man.. tread very carefully..

 

[DaddyLongShanks]

Your lucky, so many men would trade to be in your position. Actually many men cry at night because they were in the position you are in now, and went over to the grass is greener chasing "all that glitters is not gold"...

They haven't had a quality lady since their wives.

 

[skinnyguy]

Dude you're crazy. You'll struggle to find someone as high quality as her if you leave her.

 

[SteR]

... Marriage felt constricting to me. It wasn't even so much my ex herself as the lifestyle. It was stunting to me.

Actually you raise an interesting point here. When I was younger I always looked forward to marriage thinking it'd be great if I could find a wife. However I now see how marriage really is, from observing my friends.

I honestly don't know now whether I'd ever be comfortable being restricted like that. I mean as much as it can sometimes be lonely being single, the idea of being tied down in marriage actually terrifies me. I even see it with my parents: My mother organising tonnes of inane social gatherings, forced upon my dad when he gets back tired from work. I don't think I could ever deal with that...

 

[YawataNoKami]

Read it and then read it again.
http://forum.mensdivorce.com//viewtopic.php?t=13374

 

[Illest]

Really appreciate all the feedback guys, and actually fairly surprised at the overwhelming consensus that I should stay put.

First, to answer a few questions:
- Yes, my wife was a virgin before I met her.
- When I say I don't feel challenged, what I mean is that she doesn't stimulate me mentally. We never engage in witty banter, she never teases me, etc. May not seem like a big deal, but to me, it's a key part of what makes being with a woman fun
- We have had conversations about our goals and what we want out of life, and she is aware that mine are different than hers. To be fair, I'm still trying to figure out my passions and dreams, but I know that they go beyond the typical American dream of house, kids, and a dog. I also find it hard to respect someone whose sole objective in life are those things. She very explicitly told me multiple times that her "goal" in life is to have a big house (think multi-million) but instead of wanting to make a lot of money herself, she puts pressure on me to pursue a lucrative career. While we are both currently in successful careers (myself much more so than my wife) and do very well financially, I dislike the fact that because of my wife, I feel restricted from taking risks and truly exploring my career interests.

There's also another key piece of information that I neglected to share in my original post. Even though I might not want to admit it, the only reason I started considering leaving my wife is because I recently found myself becoming attracted to another woman at work. She's not as physically attractive as my wife, perhaps a 6 compared to a 7 or 8 for my wife, but personality-wise, she at least appears to be vastly superior. She's independent, witty, principled, and her values align much more closely with mine. We have not engaged in a romantic manner but I have gotten to know her extremely well over the past couple of years. I hate the idea of leaving my wife because of/for another woman, but more than anything else, she's helped illuminate the fact that my wife is not my type.

Reading people's responses, I think I was probably too kind in my characterization of my wife in my original post. Here are some additional faults I find in her:
- She loves to spend money on herself but is not generous with others
- She sees the worst in people, and always seems to find some sort of drama. She's quick to assume the worst intentions in others. As a result, she has no close friends
- She is fixated on appearance and material things

Ultimately, the problem is I don't admire her as a person. Forget the butterflies or being in love crap, I just want to be with a woman whom I respect and admire. Is that too much to ask?

Also, I feel like I am living a lie. She’s very vocal about her feelings towards me, and obviously expects me to reciprocate. And so I do, how could I not? But I don't love her, and never have, and is it right for me to live the rest of my life lying to her?

To clarify how I feel about my wife, as strange as it may seem, my affection towards her is almost like the affection one might feel towards a child. I hate to see her unhappy, I wish the best for her, it bring me joy to see her smile. But honestly, I am not attracted to her and have never been that attracted to her. Yes, I mentioned the sex is good, and she's willing to do a lot of things, but for as long as I can remember, I've had to fantasize about other women while doing her. That can't be right/normal.

Finally, what brought me to this SoSuave was the Book of Pook. Pook advocates that each man should live the life that he wants and pursue his dreams. If I stay with my wife, I can't help but feel that I am giving up my life for her happiness, yet I don't know if I can muster up the courage and the will to face the short-term turbulence (as Samspade put it) that comes with leaving her.

 

[donking]

The woman at work who you seemingly have so much in common with is going to morph the moment you actually LIVE with her. It's a fact of life that people who you don't live together with seem more exciting and often interesting.

Women and Men generally have very little in common in their desires from life. Don't expect any woman NOT to have dreams of big house. This is (virtually) ALL women's dreams including my own mom who finally "achieved" her dream in her 50s. Rare is the woman who is ok with living in a <500 sq ft studio.

Regarding fantasizing during sex, I've done it in ALL my relationships. Nothing wrong thinking about other women while doing the deed. It's normal to desire other pieces of ass.

What is abnormal in today's world is the inability of rich and desirable men to have multiple partners (while married).

Really appreciate all the feedback guys, and actually fairly surprised at the overwhelming consensus that I should stay put.

First, to answer a few questions:
- Yes, my wife was a virgin before I met her.
- When I say I don't feel challenged, what I mean is that she doesn't stimulate me mentally. We never engage in witty banter, she never teases me, etc. May not seem like a big deal, but to me, it's a key part of what makes being with a woman fun
- We have had conversations about our goals and what we want out of life, and she is aware that mine are different than hers. To be fair, I'm still trying to figure out my passions and dreams, but I know that they go beyond the typical American dream of house, kids, and a dog. I also find it hard to respect someone whose sole objective in life are those things. She very explicitly told me multiple times that her "goal" in life is to have a big house (think multi-million) but instead of wanting to make a lot of money herself, she puts pressure on me to pursue a lucrative career. While we are both currently in successful careers (myself much more so than my wife) and do very well financially, I dislike the fact that because of my wife, I feel restricted from taking risks and truly exploring my career interests.

There's also another key piece of information that I neglected to share in my original post. Even though I might not want to admit it, the only reason I started considering leaving my wife is because I recently found myself becoming attracted to another woman at work. She's not as physically attractive as my wife, perhaps a 6 compared to a 7 or 8 for my wife, but personality-wise, she at least appears to be vastly superior. She's independent, witty, principled, and her values align much more closely with mine. We have not engaged in a romantic manner but I have gotten to know her extremely well over the past couple of years. I hate the idea of leaving my wife because of/for another woman, but more than anything else, she's helped illuminate the fact that my wife is not my type.

Reading people's responses, I think I was probably too kind in my characterization of my wife in my original post. Here are some additional faults I find in her:
- She loves to spend money on herself but is not generous with others
- She sees the worst in people, and always seems to find some sort of drama. She's quick to assume the worst intentions in others. As a result, she has no close friends
- She is fixated on appearance and material things

Ultimately, the problem is I don't admire her as a person. Forget the butterflies or being in love crap, I just want to be with a woman whom I respect and admire. Is that too much to ask?

Also, I feel like I am living a lie. She’s very vocal about her feelings towards me, and obviously expects me to reciprocate. And so I do, how could I not? But I don't love her, and never have, and is it right for me to live the rest of my life lying to her?

To clarify how I feel about my wife, as strange as it may seem, my affection towards her is almost like the affection one might feel towards a child. I hate to see her unhappy, I wish the best for her, it bring me joy to see her smile. But honestly, I am not attracted to her and have never been that attracted to her. Yes, I mentioned the sex is good, and she's willing to do a lot of things, but for as long as I can remember, I've had to fantasize about other women while doing her. That can't be right/normal.

Finally, what brought me to this SoSuave was the Book of Pook. Pook advocates that each man should live the life that he wants and pursue his dreams. If I stay with my wife, I can't help but feel that I am giving up my life for her happiness, yet I don't know if I can muster up the courage and the will to face the short-term turbulence (as Samspade put it) that comes with leaving her.