The ultimatums of all ultimatums...

[badabing1234]

I broke it off with my GF of 6 years before the new years over her marriage ultimatum. "Marry me by, 2**** or we break up." I broke up with her... but i think she is still hoping i come around and change my mind. She wants closure but making this decision for a second time is extremely painful. To make matters worse, we share a couple of great dogs and we are currently fighting over them.

She is a great girl in many ways and has pushed/ shaped me into who i am today. I guess i can see why she would need some kind of commitment from me in the near future. But i feel a big part of it is pressure from her friends/ peers who are now married. (We are both in our mid-twenties)

Part of my apprehension comes from the fact that she was my first serious relationship. How do i know if she is really the one for me if my experience pool is small?

Another part is financial stability. I am just starting a career (with pretty good prospects... just not that high paying at the moment).. how will she respect me as a husband if i cannot provide for her the way she needs me to?

Guys, just help me assure myself that i have made the right decision...

 

[38degrees]

You were with her for 6 years and you didn't ask her to marry you. She put pressure on you to make a decision by 2XXX and you still didn't want to do it. You would be miserable if you went along with this arm twisting. I think you made the right choice.

As painful as it is to give away your best friends (the dogs), I think its probably best to let her have them (my rational is, you wanna just get out as clean as possible and move on with your life).

Just think if you went the other way. Then what? She will be coming up with the next ultimatum? Kids? Nah!

 

[SteR]

You did make the right decision. As 38 mentioned above, if you conceded to her demands then what's next? There's no doubt she'd try and pull the same thing later on to get whatever else she wants..

 

[Don_Dom]

You did the right thing.

--you are in your mid-20s
--first real relationship
--she gave you an ultimatum
--that ultimatum probably came from a committee of her friends

Bad news for her and her friends their plan backfired because you have the balls to stuck to your guns. Women need to realize that all "magic vagina" can be replaced, especially as you get older and you did yourself and the world a service by not falling for it.

It's been said on these boards over and over, your 20s are for having fun, getting laid, exploring things, working on your career, etc. Women have ticking biological clock that they seem to want to project onto guys in their 20s....Don't fall for it...you don't. If you are in your mid 20s I wouldn't even consider marriage for another decade. Especially since you haven't had a lot of experience. Don't be that guy who gets married at 24, wakes up 20 years later having only laid one woman, who is now a fat hag, and regrets it..gets divorced and gets taken to the cleaners because she was married to you for the entirety of your career. There is a universe of women to enjoy out there and, unlike women your age, you have ar least a decade left to enjoy it before you even need to start worrying about settling down. Be ****ing selfish. They are. She gave you an ultimatum about your life, for god's sake.

Good luck with the dogs. That's the really crappy part. Do yourself a favor, though...make one good attempt to secure them and if she fights you for them, let her gave them. Go no contact. Go rescue a couple of new dogs. Make it a clean break and move on or she will torture you with dogs trying to either get you back or get back at you forever. You made your decision now rip off the bandaid and move on decisively. Doing otherwise will serve no purpose other than keep you from getting back in the saddle and on with your new life.

 

[MtnMan]

I don't have real great advice for you, but you did the right thing. An ultimatum is BS either way.
I am in a somewhat similar situation. GF of 7 years broke up with me, but remains in contact. I own the house, take care of all the monetary and other 'man' stuff. We have two dogs, and two horses! I've been putting pressure on her to take her horse, dog and cat and she has started working on finding a place for them. If you are like me, and love animals, it can be hard. The relationship is over with the girl, but you still love the animals.

I think you must accept that you will loose at least one of the dogs and that's just how it has to be. To separate in a healthy way, it has to be all the way.
Easier said than done, but hang in there. Your not alone in the boat.

 

[badabing1234]

Thanks guys. I really hope i made the right decision and do not need to look back with regrets in the future.

The whole experience is leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I remember all the times her friends tease me before this happened: "man up!", "when are you getting married?" God, it's so irritating!

Also hate how everytime i talk about this with girls they always tell me not to regret my decision.

Hopefully i get to keep 1 of the dogs at least. We don't live together so i take care of one of them and keep it in my house. (it's kind of a weird arrangement... but thats how it turned out) I think i deserve 1 of them ... i took care of them and love them just as much as her. Any advice on getting the dog?

I think she is ****ing pissed at me right now and might attempt to punish me by taking all the dogs.

 

[MtnMan]

i suppose you cant worry about pissing her off, and stick to your guns. Ask for one of the dogs, but if she technically owns them, she has the right to take them if she chooses.

 

[Colossus]

Thanks guys. I really hope i made the right decision and do not need to look back with regrets in the future.

The whole experience is leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I remember all the times her friends tease me before this happened: "man up!", "when are you getting married?" God, it's so irritating!

Also hate how everytime i talk about this with girls they always tell me not to regret my decision.

Hopefully i get to keep 1 of the dogs at least. We don't live together so i take care of one of them and keep it in my house. (it's kind of a weird arrangement... but thats how it turned out) I think i deserve 1 of them ... i took care of them and love them just as much as her. Any advice on getting the dog?

I think she is ****ing pissed at me right now and might attempt to punish me by taking all the dogs.

"Man up"??? That's what women say when you aren't meeting the feminine imperative. It's just baseless shaming, nothing more. No doubt her gaggle of hens talked her into the ultimatum. Fvck 'em, and fvck her. How disrespectful is that? "Marry me or else".

I think you absolutely did the right thing. You don't place marriage ultimatums on someone and expect to win. Let this be a life lesson for her, and for you. And I will tell you this in all seriousness----DO NOT go back to her. You will be sorely tempted, I can guarantee that, but you will be sorrier than you ever imagined.

Regarding the dogs, did you purchase them together as puppies? I 'd try to get one and let her have one. That is fair, and you shouldn't budge on it. She will use these dogs to leverage you and even get back at you if need be. When things really don't go a woman's way they are capable of anything.

 

[disgustipated]

Give a dog to a buddy to hold. Tell her you sold it to a nice family. Go seperate ways, get dog back from buddy. Win.

That's if you think she's gonna be a royal biitch about it.

 

[Mr.Positive]

You did the right thing.

When I hear about ultimatums like this, it really shows she values being married more than you, your happiness. Marriage being the prize. A lot of women are like that. They just want to get married. Any stiff in a suit will do.

I was in your shoes in my early 20's, before this site was around. I broke up with her and never looked back. Trust me when I say this, life just keeps getting better and better. I just know, if I had caved in and married that gal, we would have gone through a bitter divorce at some point.

In fact, I would be curious to know what percentage of these ultimatum marriages end up failing. I bet it's a high percentage.

 

[badabing1234]

You did the right thing. When I hear about ultimatums like this, it really shows she values being married more than you, your happiness. Marriage being the prize. A lot of women are like that. They just want to get married. Any stiff in a suit will do.

You know what, ive thought about this too. I tried to get some of my female friends to understand this but none of them agreed with me. They always say she loves both me and the idea of being married! I guess it has something to do with my Asian culture and pressure from her friends. Its ****ing crazy how many weddings we were about to go to this year.

It still does not lessen the pain however. The dogs just make it even more painful.

 

[badabing1234]

i still feel some guilt about it though. 6 ****ing years and i couldnt make up my mind about her?

I just dont want to remember 6 years as a waste of time for me and her. Im pretty sure she thinks she wasted her time on me now. That's why im letting things cool down and keeping minimal contact for now. Everyday she is hounding me for closure but i know shes gonna lose her **** when i talk to her.

 

[SteR]

That sad thing is one of my friends did this to her bf the other day. She said "you need to propose to me by <insert date> or we're finished". He conceded and all I can do is shake my head. Unfortunately the poor guy hasn't ever been the strong type and will no doubt put up with this kind of crap for the rest of his life..

 

[purple haze]

Give in to the ultimatum on the condition she signs a prenuptial that states she gets no money in the event of a divorce.

 

[Night-hawk]

You DID make your mind up about her! Right after the ulimatum.

No doubt this pressure is coming internally and externally from all her friends getting married. However, just because THEY are doing it doesn't make it right for YOU at this time, with this woman.

What would the next ultimatum have been?



I want a BIG flashy ring to impress my friends, OR ELSE
I want a BIG flashy wedding, OR ELSE
I want a kid OR ELSE
Buy me a house OR ELSE
I want a new car, OR ELSE

Dude, if you think she had you by the balls now? Wait until you had a kid or two and married a few years. You have not SEEN pain until you see the power she has then.

You did the right thing.

Cave to one ultimatum? Be prepared to cave all your life.

Some harsh realities better foreseen than not. The thing about these ultimatums is it sets a bar in the woman's favor. That's why these morons who flash all these treasures in front of women are only setting themselves up to fall. It's the nature of reinforcing reward, especially towards a selfish nature to begin with, where prior reward will lead to future expectations of similar, or the same, or better reward. This is especially detrimental to the man as he is not teaching and reinforcing in his woman which and how those behaviors will get or be denied rewards.

 

[disgustipated]

Could try the soft next bit, though not sure if it works with someone this far along. Basically you've started it already by ignoring her, give it a week or so of no contact. Then, pop back up and contact her as if Nothings different...it didn't happen....comment on the weather....if she continues to bring it up you go ghost again, nc, for a tad longer this time...pop up again...never bring up the subject. Basically training her like a dog, if by the third time she doesn't drop it you're done for good. You don't explain shiit.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Badabing,
Back again Huh?

 

[badabing1234]

Back from what?

Anyways... I think I know that I have made the right decision. But it still sucks and feels bad seeing how hurt she is by this. I'll take it one day at a time.

Hopefully I can keep one of the dogs

 

[badabing1234]

Back from what?

Anyways... I think I know that I have made the right decision. But it still sucks and feels bad seeing how hurt she is by this. I'll take it one day at a time.

Hopefully I can keep one of the dogs

 

[VladPatton]

You DID make your mind up about her! Right after the ulimatum.

No doubt this pressure is coming internally and externally from all her friends getting married. However, just because THEY are doing it doesn't make it right for YOU at this time, with this woman.

What would the next ultimatum have been?



I want a BIG flashy ring to impress my friends, OR ELSE
I want a BIG flashy wedding, OR ELSE
I want a kid OR ELSE
Buy me a house OR ELSE
I want a new car, OR ELSE

Dude, if you think she had you by the balls now? Wait until you had a kid or two and married a few years. You have not SEEN pain until you see the power she has then.

You did the right thing.

Cave to one ultimatum? Be prepared to cave all your life.

This!! Her ultimatum was just the tip of the iceberg. I applaud you, dear sir for giving her the boot!