The TRUTH about relationships

[AAAgent]

So in a relationship there is a guy and a girl. In order to have a good relationship the guy must be happy and the girl must be happy. That is ONLY partially correct.

1+1=2

but in the relationship perspective it goes like this:

1+1=3

why? because there is a intangible factor there that everyone is missing. Not only do you have to worry about yourself and your girlfriend but the relationship as well. I'm sure many of you have thought oh, if i have a girlfriend everything will be the same if we split everything down the middle. All the money i have now i will also have in the relationship, but when the relationship comes, you realize that you actually has less money than you did before. You have less time, more stress, etc. Before you know it, your relationship is falling apart.

1+1+1=3

you see the other +1 that's in yellow?
That is the intangible object known as the relationship. Not only do you need to work on managing your own priorities, giving enough time to your woman but also maintaining the relationship as well. Just because you have sex and pay for food doesn't mean the relationship will work. Yes, she may like you and care about you alot but if you don't do what is required or needed for a relationship to continue functioning, it won't.

Besides saving up what you normally do, you should put some aside if you don't know how to manage your money well. this money could go for special occasions, random acts of kindness/love, presents, etc.

Besides setting romantic time with your woman, time to get your sh!t done, you should set time for the relationship. The word RELATIONSHIP is not FWB or fvckbuddy. So just because you fvck her over and over week after week and she is labeled your gf doesn't mean there is a relationship. Set a date atleast once or twice a month. And no, a date is not movie at your house...unless it's thoroughly planned out. take her to a nice dinner, then a show, or a long walk on a beautiful night. make it special and memorable for the both of you. The whole point of having a relationship instead of FWB is to build long lasting memories. These memories help prolong the relationship and distinguish you from all the other guys that she's fvcked and all the ONS you've had.

Another part of a relationship that is crucial is to be patient. No one likes to be forced to do anything and that goes the same for relationships. If your gonig to a family outing and she's not ready to meet them, let her know its okay. don't hold it against her. Learning patience gives you the most control, because it the end, you can always wait everything out. When you get to the point where you cannot be provoked even by the female with holding sex from you then you are in total control.

The most important part that most people miss is to take care of themselves.
there are 3 components to a successful relationship one is the female, the next is the relationship itself, and lastly there is YOU. If you become too blinded by the relationship to remember the necessities like grooming yourself, always be well dressed, language, and having your own time to accomplish your personal things then you lost one of the most imporant parts of the relationship leaving it incomplete.

An incomplete relationship= A failed relationship.

Relationships do take a lot of work and their not for everyone. So think about it before you rush in.

 

[AAAgent]

Adding a few things in here that are related to relationships:

Keeping a relationship is harder than finding one.

Having sex is ALOT easier than making love.

Working on the relationship is harder than just leaving it.

Actually setting time aside to do things on birthdays, anniverseries, and dates that are original is very tiring and stressful task.

Sure the rewards of a relationship maybe great. A companion, lover, supporter, motivator, etc. but remember that nothing in life is free. If you want all the good things you will have to put up with the bad as well.

 

[HeyPachuco!]

Double post - - -

 

[HeyPachuco!]

The most important part that most people miss is to take care of themselves.
there are 3 components to a successful relationship one is the female, the next is the relationship itself, and lastly there is YOU. If you become too blinded by the relationship to remember the necessities like grooming yourself, always be well dressed, language, and having your own time to accomplish your personal things then you lost one of the most imporant parts of the relationship leaving it incomplete.

An incomplete relationship= A failed relationship.

Relationships do take a lot of work and their not for everyone. So think about it before you rush in.

I think I had too much of this and not enough of prioritising my money for special occasions and I had to keep making excuses. I would buy MYSELF things in order to make the relationshop maintain its luxury.

I was more concerned about how I looked rather than how the relationship did.

Eventually you cannot make excuses anymore and she will suss' you out. I now know how important it is to take the ''Lead'' now.

Spliting money between the both of you is okay once in a while, but when it becomes the norm, then there is problems.

 

[AAAgent]

ya i learned from experience as well. I actually planned ahead and set money aside for myself and then money aside to take my girl out to eat but for some reason it wasn't enough. There were a lot of intangible factors i didn't notice that crept up slowly but ive prepared for them ever since and haven't had that problem.

 

[Interceptor]

I think I had too much of this and not enough of prioritising my money for special occasions and I had to keep making excuses. I would buy MYSELF things in order to make the relationshop maintain its luxury.

I was more concerned about how I looked rather than how the relationship did.

Eventually you cannot make excuses anymore and she will suss' you out. I now know how important it is to take the ''Lead'' now.

Spliting money between the both of you is okay once in a while, but when it becomes the norm, then there is problems.

Thats why the basis of the relationship cant be, or I should say cannot be a healthy one, based on how much money you provide her.
Money doesnt make her feel love, affection, and safe and warm at night.

It can provide the environment where that can flourish, but not the basis for it.

But the difficulty lies in the balance of knowing how to provide all this.
We are just hardwired to look at what we provide in that sense, and it is really often deeply interwoven in our expression to our partners. It just is.

But we cant be obsessed with money, and lose sight of the ability to provide, and that doesnt mean just the solid, material objects and things.

We should be concerned with how much and how well we can/do provide for our partners. Its normal and healthy, and it shows the genuine caring and affection we have for our partners.
But sometimes it is difficult to express the concern for certain material goods/services being there versus just being obsessed with a certain uppity lifestyle or just obsessed with wealth in general.

One can be very very lonely and isolated and be a millionaire.

So there has to be balance.
Balance in everything.

We all have many priorities in life. And really, not everything is a crisis.

Hell, the world will not blow up if you dont pay your credit card bill.

But as adults, we learn eventually the consequences of not being responsible, and financially responsible and shrewd. And the consequences are very very challenging.

So wanting to and being able to provide is something that is hardwired in men, and something we should be proud of and not denigrate or dishonor.

Its one of our masculine gifts we offer.

The problems come when we are not as impeccable in our balancing act in prioritizing our responsibilities.
And being able to fulfill the needs of ourselves and others.
There is tremendous challenge found in that. But also reward, if you truly have love for yourself and the loved ones around you.
Because when you truly love someone, you want them to be happy, fulfilled, and satisfied. You want health, and peace and harmony, and that spirit of cooperation between family and loved ones.
That is the ideal.

However, there are always steps to be taken on order to reach as close as possible those goals, and lofty goals at that.
And there are two skills, among others , that need to be worked on consistently, like a muscle , in order to progress forward to that life we desire.

One of them is simply Awareness.
There is self awareness, and external awareness.
These are the skills of observation and making good, healthy choices based on this information. It is much like calibration.
We often talk about calibrating, self calibration, poor calibrating to the environment, etc...
These are all types of awareness.
Another is the awareness of how your choices, behavior, and decisions are affecting others.
While this isnt the same as 'walking on eggshells', it is about knowing how to navigate the wide expanse of emotional development and perspectives of the people around you.

The opposite of that would be a sort of callousness, coldness, dull affectation, apathy, lethargy, complacency, and a sort of sociopathy, in which the person is actually disconnected to his own humanity, and others as well.
These are the relatonship killers. These are many of the main reasons why people dont find love and the right kind of partnership.

The other skill needed is the skill in Facing one's Self.

The lack of wanting to see and face ones weakness, faults, failings, and vulnerabilities is the road to a road of unfulfilment. Because all of these things only separate us more from each other, and at the end of the day, these things we want to avoid will always find a way to explode in our face one day.
There is no way to ultimately avoid one's Self.
So one must be strong in their resolve to face ones areas of weakness and lack of growth.
And relationships magnify these areas quite a bit.

While it is extremely uncomfortable and very painful to face ourselves, it is the only way to heal that which is hurting and causing us pain and fear.

In the proper environment, one will feel the love necessary to go into those dark places in search of growth, illumination, and healing.

Sometimes they can be healed apart from another, and sometimes the only way they will come to light is in relationship.
The key in this is to have a partner who will allow you to be fragile, vulnerable, and human in these particular instances, and support your growth.
Its not often the case. Most people want a 'picture perfect, ready made' perfect partner, with no work required. And that is unfortunately extremely rare enough to say its highly unlikely.

But if we wish this for ourselves, we too must be able to provide a safe harbor as well. We too should be able to give and allow for a safe space , and create the space for our partners to grow too.
This is where non judgemental attitudes will be needed.
And if someone has this rigid, fixed attitude about something, they will find difficulties in life, where we often actually need to be more fluid, and flexible.


Relationships provide challenges, no doubt. But there are ways to handle these challenges, there are tools. And we must engage them, and learn how to use them , even if we do so crudely and very ungracefully.

 

[AAAgent]

i don't see how buying YOURSELF things would benefit the relationship... that's totally one sided and like i said previously the relationship is like a 3 sided pyramid if you exclude the base. By buying yourself things you're leaving aside your girlfriend and the relationship. Sure making yourself things like gel, cologne, nice clothes here and there is good but don't forget when you constantly make upgrade yourself and leave your girl behind she will see it. How do you think she will feel when you rarely get her anything and you stroll up with your new luis vutton wallet.

I know it's cheesy but there are gifts that come in pairs or can come in pairs like promise rings. Couples atleast our age from the 20-25 range get them a lot. During the winter time i buy two sets of north face gloves, one for me and my girl. They don't have to be expensive but they have to be thoughtful. Things like buying condoms so she won't have to buy them or buying YOUR favorite dvd so you can make her watch it with you will only ruin your relationship. It's the thought that counts.

So since you already know how to take care of yourself apparently and i just explained briefly how you can accommodate your girlfriend, the last part here is the relationship. so besides keeping yourself marketable and still showing your gf that you care by buying her thoughtful gifts and spending time with her. (Like Interceptor said, you're not showering her with money but since the gifts require money you spend it) You need to invest in the relationship. There is your time, there is her time, and there is relationship time. Relationship time can span from things like dates, phone conversations, to cuddling and making love. You might think it sounds stupid but everyone at one point has done these things and if you're in a relationship now you probably still do it. When you don't provide time for the relationship, you can buy as many thoughtful gifts in the world your relationship will still crumble. Out of all three things in the equation 1+1+1=3 the relationship is probably the cheapest. At least in my experience it is. You spend money and time on yourself, money and time on your girlfriend, but for a successful relationship, you don't need too much money. Relationship is more about time and if you spend your time wisely and constructively you can manage a good or even great relationship. You see the poor couples that are madly in love? That's because love is intangible and real love cannot be bought. Even if a gold digger was presented love by a poor beggar, she would give up her life of luxury to pursue it.

 

[Nutz]

You can have perfectly good relationships without all the doom and gloom of responsibility this, birthdays and anniversaries that. Just keep them casual, not serious. mLTRs are the way to go because you're focus and time is so devided it's essentially impossible to get super serious with one or more of the girls, unless you fall in love, oneitis catches up to you, or something along those lines. And you can in fact fall in love with multiple girls. Just not many guys have the game to get to that point balancing things just right.

 

[AAAgent]

There's a difference between a relationship and someone you're dating. Relationships take time and effort to build, that's why they are called RELATIONSHIPS. What you're talking about is some girl you're dating and you do the minimum so you can keep fvcking her and not be alone. there's a difference. One relationship is already hard enough to handle, you don't need two in your life. You can date many people, have sex, see movies, remember their birthdays but with them you're not there to build memories. Those types of situations you're just there for the moment, in a relationship you're there for tomorrow and possibly the future.

hopefully that clears up the difference between dating someone and having a relationship with them.

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

What an absolute bunch of BS.

I spot read a couple of threads, I almost gagged.

You are complicating the simple.

Wake up and look around you, and observe people in TRULY SUCCESSFUL relationships.

After a year or two of doing this you will realize what Dufresne already knows - in a successful relationship, in ALL cases, the man plays out the MASCULINE role and the woman plays out the FEMININE role, and the element of ATTRACTION is always present.

There are an infinite number of permutations to this, just as there are an infinite number of ways to exhibit masculinity and femininity, but it is a common thread I've noticed.

If you have the depth to look past the matrix and all the BS you will see what I mean.

 

[AAAgent]

You need to wake up and smell the coffee. Maybe if you did you'd realize why your still single now at age 46.

Everything is balanced in life. You need to give in order to receive. next time in your post if your going to deny a post as being falsifying information atleast use some facts to prove it.

I never said that the man should not play out the masculine role or the woman not play out the feminine role so i have no clue as to why you said this.

in a successful relationship, in ALL cases, the man plays out the MASCULINE role and the woman plays out the FEMININE role, and the element of ATTRACTION is always present.

All that is said in my post was
"there are 3 components to a successful relationship one is the female, the next is the relationship itself, and lastly there is YOU. If you become too blinded by the relationship to remember the necessities like grooming yourself, always be well dressed, language, and having your own time to accomplish your personal things then you lost one of the most imporant parts of the relationship leaving it incomplete."

unless taking care of yourself can be considered afc and unmasculine than i see my mistake but most likely you are probably one of those bearded guys with ripped up shirts that only showers once a week. Otherwise you would be agreeing to this.

Next this so called matrix you talk about is what you're stuck in. If you truly believe you can have a successful relationship with just playing a masculine role, then boy oh boy are you wrong.

Maybe after a year or two of reading this thread you will realize what AAAgent already knows.

good luck! you need it at this stage.

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

Dammit....

My beard is caught in my shirt...

I have to go take care of this. More later.

 

[Scars]

The problem is this extra "1" factor is determined by the woman at hand. Some woman require more "attention" then others. Some woman are perfectly fine with a husband who is selfish, a slob, and uncaring, but gets away with it because every once in a blue moon he will take her on a date or do something "romantic". He has adapted to the cycle. He only shows her enough attention and validation that is needed to maintain the relationship. He isn't guessing, he isn't taking her on dates so he can keep sleeping with her. He does what he wants, and does it for himself. He IS selfish. He still values the relationship, but he always puts himself first. Some woman absolutely love this, and I think it's safe to say that most of them do.

The point is, the "attention and validation" levels on woman are always different. If you date a girl with daddy issues, then she needs constant validation. If you don't provide this, she will seek it elsewhere. Hopefully any girl you decide to settle down with (if that's what you decide) you would have already evaluated her to know she isn't a psychotic emotional wreck that will run your life into the ground. Any confident girl with her head on straight shouldn't need to much maintenance or reassurance. If you find yourself constantly reassuring your girlfriend then she is probably insecure, and bigger problems will stem from this later on down the road.

As for the whole masculinity debate, it is true. I see you have heard our term "Matrix", basically meaning to break free from the normal group-think that has plagued society. We are being condition to be less masculine. Woman want REAL men. They test us every single day, either knowingly or subconsciously to see if we man up. Your girlfriend, will always be testing you the whole time you are together. That's why when we get too comfortable is when things turn sour. We get dumped and don't know why. Sure, she loved the gifts, but you weren't holding up your bargain as a man. There is no need for cute gifts or presents. You are a man of value. That is enough for her. The best gift you can ever give to your woman is to hold the frame as man constantly. Give her dominance and obedience. This is thought "sexist" in today's society, but the sick truth (that you will find behind the Matrix) is that woman secretly love this. The truth is ugly.

Also, I hate to break the news, but a woman will only love the man that will never love her back. Men are much better lovers. They will provide and destroy themselves physically and mentally, even to the point of death for the sake of their loved one. You never see woman doing this, and if they do, the feeling is only temporary. Woman will only love you as long as you can make them FEEL something. If you stop being a man, these feelings will fade.

So in conclusion, I would rephrase it to say you should offer attention and validation, but only to it's absolute minimum. But also remember the importance of being a man. When you lose yourself, you will lose the girl, because in order for her to love you she needs to follow you like a little lost puppy.

-Scars

 

[Iron]

Woman will only love you as long as you can make them FEEL something. If you stop being a man, these feelings will fade.

I've begun to consider the possibility that women love to get mad, sad, depressed as well as happy, horny, and content because they love to explore their own feelings. Perhaps they just see a guy who delivers one emotion as too boring, too one dimensional for them. I say this because I see girls who have cult-like obsession with guys who put them through the full range of emotions, where as the guys who avoid making them mad are disrespected. It's crossed my mind a lot lately. Could be why not worrying about pissing her off seems to work out.

Tl;Dr I think girls like :cuss: not just

My 2 cents, feel free to pick apart.