Tao of Steve
Here is the best parts of the movie: (I transcribed it one day)
THE TAO OF STEVE
(unfortunately, i used to have italics for the main character's
text, but when i cut and pasted, it lost the formatting. Sorry. But its kind of obvious theres a conversation going on.)
“I’m full-on amped about this chick, man!”
“You're already dead in the water… “
“What are you guys talking about?”
“You wanna have sex with this woman?”
“Definitley.”
“OK. Then you’re violating the first Rule of being Steve.”
“Who?”
“You must learn to eliminate your desire. “
“It’s Buddhist”
“I think the Taoist said it first. OK, just a short seminar on the elimination of desire. OK, if you’re out with this girl and you’re even thinking about getting laid – you’re finished, cause women can smell an agenda like **** on a shoe.”
“Wait a second. You’re saying I would have a better chance of getting laid if I try NOT to get laid?”
“Kind of like a zen coen.”
“I’m serious, Whats a zen coen?
“Look at me, OK: technically I shouldn’t be getting laid. But I do. And you know why, Dave? Because when I’m hanging out with a woman, that’s all I’m doing: hanging out, talking, listening. I’m not thinking about how to get in bed with her, and this completely confuses them. Because they’re saying “wait a minute. I’m so much better looking than this guy. Isn’t he attracted to me?” The basic principle : We pursue that which retreats from us.”
“Groucho Marx said the same thing: Act like a woman can’t join your club, and she’ll do almost anything to get in.”
…
“Would you ever date a fat guy?”
“Sure I would.”
“Have you?”
"….No…”
“I rest my case.”
...
“ That’s Male insanity syndrome: That is, you’re with a woman, and no matter how cool she is, and your thinking, “maybe I could do a little bit better , or I could trade up somehow.”
“Dex is just bitter cause he’s never been in love.”
“I love my dog.”
…
“I just don’t get it man, I’ve been hanging out with girls my whole life, you think I would understand them by now, right?”
“Your sisters doesn’t count.”
“Haha, very funny man…”
“I’m Serious. If you are hanging out with women as friends, then you’re doing your research in the wrong library. “
“What’s wrong with being friends with women?”
“Nothing, but getting out of that category as “friend” is harder then like, getting out of Alcatrazz.”
“Well, hold on. You told me not to be lustful. “
“Yeah.”
“It doesn’t make any sense. I mean, I’m not supposed to come on to her right? But I’m not supposed to be her friend, either?”
“OK, BACK UP. In this particular instance were you desire less?”
“Man, I tried, but she was just so hot!"
“Dude, you didn’t make a pass at her, did you?"
“Sort of. Well, I sort of made a move, you know. I put my hand over there, or something, you know.”
“Then what happened?”
“She said she felt like it was too soon. “
“Of course she did! Alright? You’ve gotta learn how to hang out with a woman without groping her within the first ten minutes. OK, and this takes us to the second rule of Steve. Alright, you have to do something excellent in her presence , thus demonstrating your sexual worthiness. “
“Being excellent…. Umm…. “
“Yeah man, you can’t, you know, just say “Hey I’m Dave. I like smoking pot. I like Reading the sports page on the jon. You wanna have sex with me? “
“Ok ok… so.. what if you not excellent at anything?”
“Well then you got a bigger problem than picking up women.”
“C’mon man, I’m serious.”
“Dude, I’m pretty serious too. Everybody’s good at something, just figure out what you’re excellent at. “
“… I’m an excellent camper!”
“Wonderful. But you can’t camp in front of a chick.”
“Well… what are you excellent at?”
[the scene ends as Dex is playing with the kids, (insinuating that he’s excellent with the kids and talking to people.]
…
“What is this Steve ****, anyways?”
“Nothing. It just has to do with that stuff I was telling you about –picking up women.”
“Oh.. who’s Steve?”
“Cmon, Steve is the prototypical cool American male. You know what I’m talking about? Steve McGarret… Steve Austin… Steve McQueen… You know, he’s the man on his horse. The guy alone – he has his own code of honor. His own code of ethics. His own rules of living, man. He never EVER tries to impress the women, but he always gets the girl. “
“So,.. uh, who is Steve McGarret?”
[the guys start singing the theme to Hawaii -Five O…]
“oh… Hawaii Five O.. .ok, I get it. Who’s Steve Austin ?”
[ the guys start singing the theme to the Six Million Dollar Man….]
“Ahhh…. Yeah. Six million dollar man. OK.”
“But the ultimate Steve is Steve McQueen….”
“So… anybody named Steve is a Steve?”
“No, Steve is not a name. Dude, Steve is a state of mind. It’s a way of living, you know what I’m saying? Like James Bond is a Steve. Like.. Spider Man is a Steve. Michael Jordan is a Steve. “
“Alight… ok.. so, If i'm not a Steve, then what am I?”
“You’re a…. you’re a Stu.”
“What’s a Stu? ….no come on, what’s a Stu?”
“Don’t look at me, man…”
“It’s the opposite of Steve. See, Dex doesn’t want to insult you, he just can’t help it. Just think, Barney Fife, Gomer Pyle. Jugghead.”
“Wait… I’m the opposite of everything that’s cool?”
“Don’t take it personally..”
“No, **** you man! You guys are all Steve, and I’m Gomer ****in’ Pyle? Man, **** that, screw you guys!”
…
“Hey look… I wanted to say I’m sorry about that whole Stu thing.”
“Oh, don’t even worry about it, man. I’m feelin’ pretty Steve today. “
“Really?”
“Yeah dude, I had the best date of my life last night! Dude… I… I think I’m in love!”
“Dude, I hope you didn’t tell her that…”
“No…. ah umm….”
“Ah Dude, There's a certain order you are supposed to do things in, and telling something you love them is last in that order.”
“Well, when Are you supposed to tell them?”
“ I don’t know - maybe your 40th wedding anniversary.”
“I don’t see a problem.”
“I’m gonna tell you this one last time. Maybe you should tattoo it on your **** so you don’t forget: We pursue that which retreats from us… “
“I just don’t get the whole retreating thing , ya know?”
“Dude, chick are like hunters, man, they want to bag a lion or a bear; something really hard to catch. And along comes Dave, you know, and you’re like this affectionate little puppy . You’re cute, but you’re way too easy to catch, and that bores them, and with chicks, boredom equals death – man, you can’t bore them. “
“So, now I’m boring?”
“No, no. Dog’s: ok, they don’t chase a rock that’s just sittin on the ground. “
“Well, maybe some dogs do…”
“No, they like chasing rabbits that dart in and out of bushes , you know what I mean?”
“OH, so now I’m supposed to be like a bunny?”
“No… no, your supposed to be the thing that retreats. OK, and that takes us to part three of the Tao of Steve. OK. Alright, now after you’ve eliminated you desire, and after you’ve been excellent in her presence , then, you must retreat. Ok?”
“Its just too complicated…”
“Look man,.. for great looking guys they got no problem , they can just slide by on their appearance , but for guys like us, man, OK, like successful hookin up with the ladies requires a little work and a lot of intelligence, alright? “
…
[after Dex admits he’s falling in love for that girl..]
“OK, so if you’re falling in love with me, why are you with all these other women?”
“Oh c'mon, Am I supposed to remain celibate while I bask in like, the warm glow of your annihilating contempt? Am I supposed to find solace in that?”
