"the rules" of FWB

[SunnyD]

Ok..I want to get things straight here in terms of what is appropriate in these things.

I'm not currently in one (fwb)...but was, and may be again depending how things unfold. Basically, me and this guy were fwb (not the ex I usually speak of here) for almost 2 years. Ofcourse I always wanted more but never brought that up, because I was pretty sure he didn't. I was fine with that..we got along great anyway and pretty sure if we dated it wouldn't work.

We ended things a while back, lost touch, and recently reinitiated contact. He is in the exact same situation with another girl now. Sleeping with her, doesn't want to date her. He knows I'd be up for doing things with him again as long as it was JUST ME.

Broken rule of fwb #1. You cannot expect that or demand it. Fine.

So he brings up the sexual talk with me and I ask "what about her." His response was basically "I'm getting bored of her. I had more fun with you, she's not as adventurous, etc etc. I said "why you still with her then?" He had no answer at first so I said "any sex is better than no sex?" He said "yeah, I guess." So he talks more sexual with me, saying he wishes we could again, he misses sexing me, blah blah. I ask him again what her appeal is, if she isn't that great in bed and he doesnt want to date her.. and he says "she does everything for me. She takes care of me I guess you know...drives me around, rubs my feet, cooks me dinner.." I rolled my eyes and made fun of him..

But then after the convo it got me thinking. I can be that girl, the one that takes care of a guy. I am that. But I never was with him because I thought there were boundaries in fwb. I thought I wasn't "allowed" to do those girlfriend-y things. So I didnt...kept it hot steaming sex instead..plus the friends part. If he didnt want to make me his gf...I wasnt going to act like one.

Is this where I fvcked up?? Would it have made a difference if I had done these things? Or does it not matter at all, guys don't like pushovers for gfs and he is pretty much using her and never planning to make her his gf either??

 

[KontrollerX]

Don't do the taking care of him stuff Sunny.

Keep the frame with him that you've already established.

To do otherwise you could set yourself up for hurt and dissapointment if he never makes you officially his girlfriend. You may get lost in the idea that if you do things like the other chick has done for him and do them better that he will come around and make you his girl.

The only exception is if you actually want to do these extra things for him.

Otherwise again I say don't do it.

And to answer your question no it wouldn't of made any difference had you done that stuff with him in the beginning.

If he is a man of confidence that knows what he wants out of life there would be no mistake made about it whether you could be his girlfriend or not.

 

[iqqi]

I haven't read what anyone else said... and I have been drinking...

However.

You seem like the chick that believes anything a guy tells you.

 

[ketostix]

SunnyD you sure know how to pick the winners.

 

[KarmaSutra]

You seem like the chick that believes anything a guy tells you.

Kinda like this guy:

I haven't read what anyone else said... and I have been drinking... and i pee standing straight

 

[SunnyD]

Anyone else?

 

[iqqi]

LOL, girl, what are you trying to hear?

Sounds like you want someone to tell you something different.

Version #1 - He is just saying sh!t to get you back in bed, stop being so gullible. This is exactly the same situation as b4 (doesn't matter if he is the same guy or not), and he is still going to keep fvcking the other girl, and he is lying about being unsatisfied with her.

Version #2 - You are the best ever ever ever in bed, he really misses you, no other girl (especially the one he is with now) can compare, ooh la la, maybe you guys can get back to the passionate sex you had before, maybe he will even... fall in love and you guys will get married and he will be satisfied with you and never want another (getting breathless here..)

Pick one.

One is obvious, the other is a delusion.

 

[SunnyD]

Obviously I'm not naive enough to believe #2...but I do believe he is bored with her otherwise he wouldn't be looking elsewhere. So if I can work that to my advantage...then I will.

 

[iqqi]

Obviously I'm not naive enough to believe #2...but I do believe he is bored with her otherwise he wouldn't be looking elsewhere. So if I can work that to my advantage...then I will.

It isn't that he is "bored" with her.

He just wants MORE if he can get it.

 

[SunnyD]

It isn't that he is "bored" with her.

He just wants MORE if he can get it.

He's bored with her. He doesn't like her enough to date her, but has no other options right now so still sleeps with her. We talk openly open our sex lives and I know she doesn't do half the things I used to do. (without getting into detail.) She's inexperienced. He's not bored of steady sex with her maybe, but he is bored of the black/white sex he is getting FROM her.

 

[Interceptor]

Sunny, what do YOU want from this guy?

 

[SunnyD]

Sunny, what do YOU want from this guy?

Well, like I mentioned...when we were together BEFORE..I wanted him as a bf. But I also stated I know we'd never work. So now, I just want him as a FWB but he knows I won't unless he's sleeping with no one else. Which I have no right to ask for if we aren't dating..I know. But he knows where I stand with it, so the last time we spoke..he told me he'll be ending things with her when he gets back. (away on vacay for two weeks.)

I was just really wondering if he a) would have dated me back when had I done what she is doing (waiting on him hand and foot) and b) if thats the reason he stays with her since he claims the sex isnt that good and he doesnt want to date her. (she is also about an HB 6.)

Anyway, I just want him for sex at this point but I dont want him to be with her anymore...haha, messed up..I know.

 

[Interceptor]

Stop 'wondering' about the past. It wont lead to you being more aware and present in the now.

And be prepared for him not being 'faithful' to you.
He may say he ended with her, or he may say he wont pursue other women.
So be prepared.

If you just want him for the sex, theres no need for you to behave like his GF
and please do yourself a favor and dont expect high character behavior from this guy.

Just be aware of the relationship 'lines'.

 

[SunnyD]

Makes sense. I guess what I'm wondering is..if I do the "girlfriend-y" things, without having either of us have to make the comittment..will that keep him from being with other girls?? He obviously must enjoy the pampering he gets from her, I never did that.

I dont know, I just have NEVER agreed with the idea of sleeping with someone who is sleeping with other people. It bothers me like nothing else. I dont want a bf right now, and sex with him was great..but I cant stand him being with other people at the same time. Does that make sense?

 

[Interceptor]

Makes sense. I guess what I'm wondering is..if I do the "girlfriend-y" things, without having either of us have to make the comittment..will that keep him from being with other girls?? He obviously must enjoy the pampering he gets from her, I never did that.

I dont know, I just have NEVER agreed with the idea of sleeping with someone who is sleeping with other people. It bothers me like nothing else. I dont want a bf right now, and sex with him was great..but I cant stand him being with other people at the same time. Does that make sense?

Sunny, if you can do the pampering and GFey things without losing your self respect and dignity, then its your call
No one can order you or dictate to you what you should do.

Realize this, he appears to have decided to end things with her.
Because of the possibility of something better with you.
so what does that tell you about the value he places on kind , affectionate behavior from women?
He said he will end things with her.
What makes you think he will 'stay' with you if some other chick shows up and rocks his world?

Do you see the 'game' your playing here?

But if youre using it as a tactic, and it doesnt get you the desired result, dont blame him.

I seriously doubt this guy is going to be 'faithful' to you in any sense of the word.

What youre asking for is loyalty and the fidelity that intimate exclusive couples have, and that is too much to expect here.
sure, you can try this strategy, but just be prepared for whatever may happen.
Also, realize that like for women as well, once you introduce the affectionate bf/gf dynamic in a FB situation , you may kill some of that raunchiness that attracted the two in the first place.

It is a complex situation here, and youre trying to naviagte this..I understand.

I dont want you to get hurt, and to try to resort to manipulating things here as well...

I guess you can introduce some aspects of the pampering, to test the waters?
I just dont like the idea of this 'tactic', because it doesnt appear to be genuine.
I dont think you have that real deep affection for this guy, and if you did, I think it would be grossly misplaced because youre WASTING your precious resources on some guy that doesnt appreciate you for the woman you are, he just wants sex from you (which is perfectly fine, and for you as well). It's perfectly fine to just want sex from a person.

But manipulating is another deal entirely.


You 'say' you dont want a BF, but you want to 'do' BF/GF things here...


Get your mind and heart straightened out, chica.


No one likes to be manipulated.
What if the shoe were on the other foot?

SO you have a couple of options.

Stay hard core FB no expectations put on this guy or the situation. Enjoy it for what it is and while it lasts.(best ideal IMO)

Try the GF pampering thing to get him to submit to your 'exclusivity'. (ugh....I dont advocate or agree)

Introduce small things here and there and see what happens. (hmm...maybe he will 'see' you in a new light? Has this ever worked for guys? When has this worked when we buy you all flowers and stuff? Think about it. Will it raise your Value? )

Perhaps there are other aspects to this as well, and other options. Im only offering my perspective, that's all , Sunny.

Just trying to help you get a clearer picture, and gain some sense out of this.

I hope something works out for you.

 

[LovelyLady]

Ok..I want to get things straight here in terms of what is appropriate in these things.

I'm not currently in one (fwb)...but was, and may be again depending how things unfold. Basically, me and this guy were fwb (not the ex I usually speak of here) for almost 2 years. Ofcourse I always wanted more but never brought that up, because I was pretty sure he didn't. I was fine with that..we got along great anyway and pretty sure if we dated it wouldn't work.

We ended things a while back, lost touch, and recently reinitiated contact. He is in the exact same situation with another girl now. Sleeping with her, doesn't want to date her. He knows I'd be up for doing things with him again as long as it was JUST ME.

Broken rule of fwb #1. You cannot expect that or demand it. Fine.

So he brings up the sexual talk with me and I ask "what about her." His response was basically "I'm getting bored of her. I had more fun with you, she's not as adventurous, etc etc. I said "why you still with her then?" He had no answer at first so I said "any sex is better than no sex?" He said "yeah, I guess." So he talks more sexual with me, saying he wishes we could again, he misses sexing me, blah blah. I ask him again what her appeal is, if she isn't that great in bed and he doesnt want to date her.. and he says "she does everything for me. She takes care of me I guess you know...drives me around, rubs my feet, cooks me dinner.." I rolled my eyes and made fun of him..

But then after the convo it got me thinking. I can be that girl, the one that takes care of a guy. I am that. But I never was with him because I thought there were boundaries in fwb. I thought I wasn't "allowed" to do those girlfriend-y things. So I didnt...kept it hot steaming sex instead..plus the friends part. If he didnt want to make me his gf...I wasnt going to act like one.

Is this where I fvcked up?? Would it have made a difference if I had done these things? Or does it not matter at all, guys don't like pushovers for gfs and he is pretty much using her and never planning to make her his gf either??

I don't actually hear you saying you want a strings-free situation (which is what I think people mean when they say "fbuddy" or "Friend with benefits" if I understand the phenomena correctly)

What I hear you asking underneath it all is:

What inspires loyalty and commitment?

Is it how many of my holes I let a man fvck me in going to inspire this? (No, there is always a different, if not more adventurous, "hole" out there)

Is it how good I am/if I am better at "playing housewife" going to inspire? (No there are tons of women who can "play house" out there)


I do think it would behoove you to ask yourself:

Why you want loyalty and commitment?

Why do you want it from this particular man?

Does he have the maturity that makes him a man capable of offering loyalty and commitment (to you - or anyone)?

What are the qualities in a woman that inspire a mature man to want to give his loyalty and commitment to her specifically and the creation of relationship with her specifically?

Do you have the qualities that inspire loyalty and commitment from a mature man?


I hope this helps.

 

[SunnyD]

Thanks Interceptor, great response. Lovely Lady, that made a lot of sense too.

I guess I could have simplified this a lot more by asking if it is what a woman DOES that can tame a guy like this. (He's not known to be faithful.) Like I said, I dont want a comittment from him...but he knows my only "rule" is not to be sleeping with other people while he is with me. I know a lot of you here will argue that that IS forcing him into a comittment..but its not. He's free to do whatever he wants in the meantime and vice versa. I dont expect phone calls or dates or gifts or meeting the family. I just expect respect, and to be told immediately when there is another prospect so I can make the decision to leave the situation. I dont think thats much to ask.

But yes, my main point was...if I gave him what he needs physically AND emotionally (the girlfriend-y BS)...would that be more likely a chance he doesnt need to go to anyone besides me? Or does it not matter what a woman does or how she treats him..he's going to do what he is going to do?

 

[LovelyLady]

if I gave him what he needs physically AND emotionally (the girlfriend-y BS)...would that be more likely a chance he doesnt need to go to anyone besides me? Or does it not matter what a woman does or how she treats him..he's going to do what he is going to do?

Well, ultimately every person "does what they are going to do".

From what you have written, it sounds like you have shared some "good times" with this man - but it does not sound like you have had genuine intimacy. You are asking us to decipher what makes him "tick.

And I would say to you:

What does make him tick Sunny? You've shared his bed with him - but you do not know the answer to this question.

You and I both know gaining entrance to a man's bed is (usually) easy.

BUT: having a man trust you to enter his heart and his mind - that is another matter entirely.

I think some time spent in honest reflection will serve you well.

The questions I submitted are guidelines for you to get to the heart of this matter:

Why do you want loyalty and commitment?

Why do you want it from this particular man?

Does he have the maturity that makes him a man capable of offering loyalty and commitment (to you - or anyone)?

What are the qualities in a woman that inspire a mature man to want to give his loyalty and commitment to her specifically and the creation of relationship with her specifically?

Do you have the qualities that inspire loyalty and commitment from a mature man?

And furthermore:

Is he worthy of your loyalty and commitment? Are you worthy of his?

 

[MacAvoy]

Why do you want to limit yourself to one man that you have no intention of really settling down with? Given your age, do you really want to take yourself off the market for a year so that you can enjoy some decent sex with this gentleman.

Now you made another post about the guy you hit it off with in Montreal. Are you saying that is a complete write off? Or are you going to end things with FWB for a weekend to pursue that other option? Do you expect him to do the same thing?

Do you see why the logistics of having no committment or relationship but not expecting the other person to sleep with anyone else don't realistically work. In this and your previous relationship, your basicaly looking for a relationship without calling it a relationship.

I think thats something you need to really look at. Why are you afraid to get involved in a serious relationship? Why are you trying to settle down with guys that have basically zero long term potential.

Do you have any long term hopes of settling down and having a family or do you see yourself as a carreer orientated women who is just looking for some non committable "servicing" on the side?

 

[Warrior74]

Thanks Interceptor, great response. Lovely Lady, that made a lot of sense too.

I guess I could have simplified this a lot more by asking if it is what a woman DOES that can tame a guy like this. (He's not known to be faithful.) Like I said, I dont want a comittment from him...but he knows my only "rule" is not to be sleeping with other people while he is with me. I know a lot of you here will argue that that IS forcing him into a comittment..but its not. He's free to do whatever he wants in the meantime and vice versa. I dont expect phone calls or dates or gifts or meeting the family. I just expect respect, and to be told immediately when there is another prospect so I can make the decision to leave the situation. I dont think thats much to ask.

But yes, my main point was...if I gave him what he needs physically AND emotionally (the girlfriend-y BS)...would that be more likely a chance he doesnt need to go to anyone besides me? Or does it not matter what a woman does or how she treats him..he's going to do what he is going to do?

Your on a site full of players asking how to lock a man down? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Honestly...anyone who anwsers you should be bytchslapped. Why should we tell you that? Tell us how to keep getting the goodies and never commit and we might have a deal! Oh wait...you already told us that by your post. Sorry no deal.


Seriously though. A man is gonna do what he wants to do. If he chooses you he will be there for you. How do you make someone love you? I don't think you can.