The quest for real masculinity

[so damn BETA]

It wasn't until my 30s that I discovered the alpha/beta male dynamic, and though I've read about it, I have never quite figured out how to actually put it all together for my personal use. My dad is a good person, but beta to the bone. He hasn't been all that involved in my life, so although he's inherently good as a human being, he sucks as a dad. I've taken that in stride since I became a dad two years ago, for I have learned from him what NOT to do as a father. Having been raised by women (one of whom is a very loving but very over-protective mom), coupled with not having a strong male role model in my life while growing up, definitely sealed my fate as a beta. If real alphas are born and not made, then I can accept the reality of having been born a beta...but if I can at least learn alpha male traits I can mimic and internalize so I can at least learn to ACT alpha without actually becoming one, I'll take it.

I'm 40, happily married, and the father of a two-year-old daughter who is my life. However, I've always felt certain things "missing" from my sense of self/masculinity:

-I'm sometimes not sure when or how to take action in certain situations. I find myself over-thinking to the point of freezing and not doing anything. It makes me look slow and indecisive.

-I lack motivation and energy. As I sit here typing this, I'm home alone on my couch, having watched several hours' worth of my favorite tv show. I haven't shaved in a few days, and I don't feel inspired to do anything. I have "used" pornography 5 times since yesterday morning. I was diagnosed with low T when I was 32, and I probably was on the lower end of the T spectrum even when I was younger than that. Every morning, I stagger into the same unfulfilling, underpaid job I've held for the past 8 years. Every afternoon, I stagger back out, feeling old and tired...only to drop onto the couch every night to watch tv. I recently applied and interviewed for a higher position available at work, but I am quite sure I won't be hired for it. When my boss interviewed me for it, she looked a bit surprised I had gone out for this position.

-I am socially awkward. I seldom talk to people at work, and I know I put out some kind of weird, creepy vibe because of it; but I don't care. When I have to speak with someone in person, I always wonder afterwards how I actually came across...how normal were my facial expressions, voice volume/inflection, body language, etc. I avoid eye contact, and when dealing with superiors, it seems my voice gets more timid-sounding. I tend to look down when walking past people. Maybe this all has a little to do with the fact that I'm around 80 lbs overweight...but I have seen fat guys walk with confidence and deal with people assertively, so who knows.

-I've misconstrued and misused certain alpha elements I've read about. When trying to put them into practice, I went about it all wrong...such as trying so hard to be assertive that I just wound up being rude, obnoxious, or condescending; talking too much or talking too fast or too loud in order to get people's attention; losing my cool when pushed and yelling at the top of my lungs. I figure that being alpha is about being a better man, not a douchebag. There has to be a right way to not be a pushover.

-I don't command respect and don't know how. I also don't know how to handle disrespect from others, though I'm finding out that losing my cool isn't the answer.

Are there any suggestions as to how to start correcting these?

 

[evan12]

Most PUA forums and books talk about the subject of missed masculinity. here you can read DJ bible there are many threads about that
Also what called here alpha in traditional cultures called real man , so how to be alpha = how to be real man .
Read the way of suriprior man ,it is good book .
Also You need to socialise ,it is very important .

 

[sharkbeat]

If real alphas are born and not made

Real alphas are made, not born. Unfortunately, very few men are willing to go what it takes to be a real alpha. Fakers are plenty though, and they go by.

-I'm sometimes not sure when or how to take action in certain situations. I find myself over-thinking to the point of freezing and not doing anything. It makes me look slow and indecisive.

Learn to take risks and face the consequences.

-I lack motivation and energy. As I sit here typing this, I'm home alone on my couch, having watched several hours' worth of my favorite tv show. I haven't shaved in a few days, and I don't feel inspired to do anything. I have "used" pornography 5 times since yesterday morning. I was diagnosed with low T when I was 32, and I probably was on the lower end of the T spectrum even when I was younger than that. Every morning, I stagger into the same unfulfilling, underpaid job I've held for the past 8 years. Every afternoon, I stagger back out, feeling old and tired...only to drop onto the couch every night to watch tv. I recently applied and interviewed for a higher position available at work, but I am quite sure I won't be hired for it. When my boss interviewed me it, she looked a bit surprised I had gone out for this position.

Lack of energy = lack exercise. Your body will prefer to stay in its state, because change requires energy. Start exercising. Move it!

-I am socially awkward. I seldom talk to people at work, and I know I put out some kind of weird, creepy vibe because of it; but I don't care. When I have to speak with someone in person, I always wonder afterwards how I actually came across...how normal were my facial expressions, voice volume/inflection, body language, etc. I avoid eye contact, and when dealing with superiors, it seems my voice gets more timid-sounding. I tend to look down when walking past people. Maybe this all has a little to do with the fact that I'm around 80 lbs overweight...but I have seen fat guys walk with confidence and deal with people assertively, so who knows.

There is no fixing this but to keep socializing with different groups of people. Don't just socialize with people at work. Talk to people with different backgrounds.

-I've misconstrued and misused certain alpha elements I've read about. When trying to put them into practice, I went about it all wrong...such as trying so hard to be assertive that I just wound up being rude, obnoxious, or condescending; talking too much or talking too fast or too loud in order to get people's attention; losing my cool when pushed and yelling at the top of my lungs. I figure that being alpha is about being a better man, not a douchebag. There has to be a right way to not be a pushover.

Lol. I see this all the time, see "fakers" above. You are not alone. Plenty of guys walk around pretend they carry alphatude. They get it wrong.

-I don't command respect and don't know how. I also don't know how to handle disrespect from others, though I'm finding out that losing my cool isn't the answer.

Respect is earned, not commanded.

 

[SteR]

Two of those can be fixed just by hitting the gym: You'll have more energy and once you get in good shape you should be able to command respect (especially with the increased confidence).

 

[Rubirosa]

Number one, I can tell by your writing that you're not a dumb guy, so you certainly have the intellect to improve your life.
I personally recommend learning to fight as opposed to just "the gym". Any martial art, practiced hard, is a great workout anyway.
The problem is, is that you are suffering from low self confidence and that's making you see everyone else as your superior. I'm sure this is translated in your body language.
You are lucky in that you have your daughter as an inspiration. Every time you start to feel like a loser, whip out her picture and tell her and yourself that you won't be one.
This stuff is easier said than done, so I'll stop now. Good luck

 

[The_flying_dutchman]

Alphas can be born or made. But the made alphas command more respect cause they've put in work and earned their stars and stripes. Trust me, as men, we KNOW, who's made and who was born into privilege.

If you're born a beta, think of it as a blessing in disguise, think of it as an opportunity to put in work and be made. The born alphas were spared having to put in work, but they can never command true respect because of it.

I'll give you the short answer on how to be alpha: do whatever you want to do (within reason and within the law) and do not worry about making mistakes or other peoples' judgements. Of course, since you have a family, you still have to exercise some amount of responsibility.