The phase model of cold approaches.

[Walden]

Gentlemen.

I have been thinking about why and where I make cold approaches and where I fail to do so successfully.

In doing so I have kinda figured out a way of describing wjhat happens on a CA (or when two strangers coincidentally meet). I figure that once I understand how they work , i an maniopulate the circumstances where I wouldn't / couldn't approach so that they fit the situations where I can and do.

As such this is the first draft of my theory.
I know all the old schoold Djs here don't like it when newbies theorise about DJing without taking action but as some of you may know , I have bene working pretty hard on my CAs out in the cold hard real world.

This is my first draft of it so it's pretty close to gibberish but for those who understand it I'd appreciate any feedback (feel free to tell me it's a load of marsh gas). Once I have it straight in my head I'll figure on a more user friendly model.

Cheers,
Mike.


The phases of a Cold Approach are;

Close , Notice proximity, Non-vocal acknowledgement,
Vocal acknowledgement, and Engagement.

IE: I see a hot girl in a library , I walk over (Close).
I stand near her pretending to read books until we've
noticed each other (NP) and made appropriate NVA.Then I
say something (Hi or a comment) and engage (so what
are you studying?).

This is why it's hard to mack on a girl walking the
opposite direction because you pass too quickly to go
through NPand NVA parts.

If you made eye contact like twice as you closed (prox
notice) and then smiled (NVA) then you'd be ina fine
position to VA and engage.

But if she doesn't give you eye contact (as people in
cities don't) then you are in no position to engage (and
trying to do so is very hard).

Likewise if a girl is sitting stationary you can close
(walk over) sit down until she prox notices you and
makes appropriate NVA (maybe moving over a little or smiling or shifting her books out of the way) then
vocally engage.

But if she doesn't look up at you as you walk over
(PN/NVA) then gives you the cold shoulder as you sit
down (still no NVA) you're in an akward position to
engage.

If a girl is standing , stationary and doesn't give you
PN or NVA as you approach , you're going to look a
little odd just standing there till she notices you
(unless you have top cover for it).

This is the basis of those detestable"gambits" where
people try to engage by asking the time , which gets
thru the PN/NVA parts directly but are limited in
duration.

On a successful walkup (eg park bench in a crowded
place) you have top cover for your close and PN (it's
crowded) and can smoothly VA and engage.This does not often
occur without appropriately going through the other two
stages.

Eg at a bar , you go up , pretend to be looking at the
chalkboard before the girl notices you and you can go
into your routine.
--------------------------------

The way to use this is in each situation to find how to get through those early phases ...somehow.

 

[XANEUS]

I'm glad you're approaching... that's awesome! If you weren't I definitely would not reply to this.

Now let's talk specifics. I don't know how advanced you are, so if any of this doesn't make sense, ask.

The phases of a Cold Approach are;

Close , Notice proximity, Non-vocal acknowledgement,
Vocal acknowledgement, and Engagement.

3 second rule. It's not just to get you approaching... although it definitely helps there. The key is IT MAKES THE APPROACH SEEM SPONTANEOUS.

IE: I see a hot girl in a library , I walk over (Close).
I stand near her pretending to read books until we've
noticed each other (NP) and made appropriate NVA.Then I
say something (Hi or a comment) and engage (so what
are you studying?).

How is your situation any better than if you'd just walked straight over and said 'hi'?

This is why it's hard to mack on a girl walking the
opposite direction because you pass too quickly to go
through NPand NVA parts.

actually it's hard because she's moving... try this experiment. Walk by a sitting girl and approach, then try stopping a moving girl while sitting. In both cases you have the same time to see eachother.

If you made eye contact like twice as you closed (prox
notice) and then smiled (NVA) then you'd be ina fine
position to VA and engage.

But if she doesn't give you eye contact (as people in
cities don't) then you are in no position to engage (and
trying to do so is very hard).

if she'll smile upon seeing you, she'll smile upon you talking to her, so what have you gained by this?

Likewise if a girl is sitting stationary you can close
(walk over) sit down until she prox notices you and
makes appropriate NVA (maybe moving over a little or smiling or shifting her books out of the way) then
vocally engage.

But if she doesn't look up at you as you walk over
(PN/NVA) then gives you the cold shoulder as you sit
down (still no NVA) you're in an akward position to
engage.

If a girl is standing , stationary and doesn't give you
PN or NVA as you approach , you're going to look a
little odd just standing there till she notices you
(unless you have top cover for it).

In other words, unless she is blatantly attracted to you based on appearance alone, your method makes things awkward.

This is the basis of those detestable"gambits" where
people try to engage by asking the time , which gets
thru the PN/NVA parts directly but are limited in
duration.

On a successful walkup (eg park bench in a crowded
place) you have top cover for your close and PN (it's
crowded) and can smoothly VA and engage.This does not often
occur without appropriately going through the other two
stages.

If by 'top cover' you mean establish a premise, this isn't a bad idea, although your premise should not come off as though you are apologizing for approaching her, this is weak. 'Gambits' as you call them aren't bad, but they need 2 elements. 1. They must be more original and thought provoking than 'do you have the time'. and 2. You need something to follow up with.

Eg at a bar , you go up , pretend to be looking at the
chalkboard before the girl notices you and you can go
into your routine.

not bad, to a point, but why wait for her to acknowledge you... what if she never does?

The way to use this is in each situation to find how to get through those early phases ...somehow.

skip them.

The main problem with what you are doing is that the girl knows you are interested by the time you've approached. So she's judging you on ONLY what she's seen before you even approached. Trust me. Girls make a decision about a guy the moment they know his intentions. It can work, as you get credit for having the balls to approach, but you get that if you don't go through all the pre-approach bs too... and that way you get time to make an impression before she decides on you.

much more on this in my book.

 

[MrSmooth]

hmmm, interesting points here.

Walden, your argument makes sense to me. I always try to get in a situation to establish the non verbal acknowledgement before rolling. Yes, it does give away your intentions, but that's unavoidable IMHO. Also, sometimes getting closer is useful for another look at your quarry b4 you go in ... everyone knows the 'good from far, far from good' mistake !

But X, you seem to suggest that its better to have her first impression be of you saying something 'in her face' rather than as some dude checkin her out with a cheecky smile? Care to elaborate ?

 

[Walden]

Xaneus , thanks for your input , I totally agree with the way an approach has to have two elements.

I think a girl might not smile at a walkup and say hi if it was by surprise , I don't know why I think this.On all the walkups I do I wait for a second or two before breaking the ice. Would be interested to hear your thoughts on this.

MrSmooth I've totally stolen that good from far bit

 

[XANEUS]

Try to see it from her perspective.

Scenario 1. Some guy is walking past you and makes a comment to you. The comment is funny so you go with it and start talking. The guy continues to be funny and to show that he has good personality, so you become attracted. Later you think how brave it must have been for him to approach and you are even more attracted.

Scenario 2. Same guy walks over near you. You look up and notice him. He stands for a bit, then he looks at you. You look back. He continues to stand. You make eye contact again. He begins to walk the rest of the way over to you. You KNOW he wants you but you at least give him credit for FINALLY getting up the nerve to approach. YOU DECIDE WHETHER YOU'RE INTERESTED OR NOT. He starts talking and is kind of funny, but you KNOW what he's saying is a line. It appears unnatural. You're flattered, but your guard is up. Obviously he was interested in you before he ever talked to you, so obviously he only wants you for your looks.

Scenario 2 can work for you. Particularly if you're very attractive. Heck, I've had it work for me many times before I knew better. But your chances are much better with scenario 1.

Hope this helps.

-XANEUS

 

[XANEUS]

Oh... one more thing... for MrSmooth... your approach should NEVER be 'in a girl's face' if there is ANY possible way to avoid it. It should be as casual as possible.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by MrSmooth
hmmm, interesting points here.

Walden, your argument makes sense to me. I always try to get in a situation to establish the non verbal acknowledgement before rolling. Yes, it does give away your intentions, but that's unavoidable IMHO.

I don't know, maybe I am too ****y but I have had a lot of success bypassing the waiting to be noticed. I just announce my presence.

When I was a RAFC I went out of my way to say 'hello' to anyone who was in close proximity. I guess it stuck so I seem to catch them off guard. They seem to like it too since it shows confidence.

I either say hello and introduce myself, or ask them something out of the blue. Its a lot easier than getting her to talk about something that she is reading or wearing since they are caught off guard and their brains automatically start processing the question looking for the answer. It's automatic.

I keep it light, not too cliché though, I want them to remember the guy that made them think

 

[Walden]

Thanks for yr thoughts Francisco , I also find that in practice I just play through.

I guess I should clarify.
The NVA stage is about a second long. Just so that the grrrl knows you're there so she doesn't statrtle when you say something.

 

[suavedave]

Re: Re: The phase model of cold approaches.

3 second rule. It's not just to get you approaching... although it definitely helps there. The key is IT MAKES THE APPROACH SEEM SPONTANEOUS.

---------------------

Exactly. A place I need to work on. I was walking down the street after a coffeeshop meeting with two chicks (LJBF'd but social proof.....) and I see this girl checking me out. I'm walking BY and she is stationary. Now, it seems that one approach would be to, right there and then, walk over. However, I have always had problems with the approach AFTER it's recognized there is mutual attraction.

Eg, In a library, oh nice book, where are you from, etc........... What do you do in situations where there is obvious interest on part of the other party?

 

[XANEUS]

What do you do in situations where there is obvious interest on part of the other party?

Still 3 second rule it... just like you would otherwise... it's even more natural then. The only thing is if she's clearly already interested don't go ****y/funny/negging quite as hard because you want her to believe she has SOME chance with you (you big stud you ;-)).