The only cure for a woman is another woman

[bigneil]

If you are on this forum there is a good chance you had a girl who you lost. She used to love you but somehow it slipped away. You spent months trying to get her back and failed. What most people say is "spin plates" - "go on 4 dates".

The key is to go on 4 dates alright - but not with 4 women - with the same woman. Studies have shown that the more time you spend with someone, the more you like them (people are addictive). To break the addiction to one person (i.e., your oneitis) you must find another person, but it must be someone who is comparable, and it won't happen overnight. It takes at least 2 months.

What to do in the gamut between when you lose girl A and replace her with girl B? You MUST improve financially (or your education/career) AND physically. Then you are in a position to command the respect of a better woman. Rejection is your inspiration to make this advancement.

Did anyone ever cure their oneitis without finding another woman?

 

[comic_relief]

yes, a few times I have got over an ex-gf or oneitis without swing branch to branch. It is MUCH harder though. My original oneitis that drove me here YEARS ago was gotten rid of and then I just went onto a self-improvement regiment for two years or so without getting a girl.

Currently, I have been single for about a year since my ex-gf and me broke it off. It hurt like hell but I decided to stay single instead and worked on myself again. Reconnected with friends as well. Figured out that I wanted degrees in geology (and biology) after already having degrees in philosophy and government so I can get a science policy job. It wouldn't have been conducive for me to figure out that stuff if I had a new girlfriend.

I wholeheartedly suggest for people to be single for quite a while to figure out who you are. Most people won't do it though because it is easier to get a new girl instead of figuring out who you are and working on oneself.

Your idea is easier BUT my way of dealing with it is much more rewarding. Both are acceptable but one leads to more rewards in the long run.

- comic_relief

 

[Gro0ver]

yes, a few times I have got over an ex-gf or oneitis without swing branch to branch. It is MUCH harder though. My original oneitis that drove me here YEARS ago was gotten rid of and then I just went onto a self-improvement regiment for two years or so without getting a girl.

Currently, I have been single for about a year since my ex-gf and me broke it off. It hurt like hell but I decided to stay single instead and worked on myself again. Reconnected with friends as well. Figured out that I wanted degrees in geology (and biology) after already having degrees in philosophy and government so I can get a science policy job. It wouldn't have been conducive for me to figure out that stuff if I had a new girlfriend.

I wholeheartedly suggest for people to be single for quite a while to figure out who you are. Most people won't do it though because it is easier to get a new girl instead of figuring out who you are and working on oneself.

Your idea is easier BUT my way of dealing with it is much more rewarding. Both are acceptable but one leads to more rewards in the long run.

- comic_relief

I'm really glad to hear you say that this approach works!

I need to do this....stay single for awhile....but it's hard because I've been in relationships for so long, there is a void in the form of sex/intimacy/in depth conversations that make me want to look for a relationship.

Hearing you say that its beneficial in the long run is heartening though....I have not been single since I was 16 and I'm now almost 27. Time to change.

What keeps you motivated to stay single? Is it pure self-improvement drive or something else as well?

 

[perseverance]

The only cure for women is not to be outcome dependent and just learn how to roll with the punches.

The best thing I could have done is learn not to take life too seriously.

 

[drellum]

Excellent thread.

I like this approach. I mentioned in another thread that after breaking up with the ex I've been dating and coming across as a bit desperate to find someone. I have a date tonight and one tomorrow and then spending the weekend with long standing F buddy who lives in another city. I am thinking of concentrating on ME during the week and utilising her on weekends. It is a hard feeling to overcome when you have spent most of your life in relationships - that have ultimately failed.

 

[AlexDP]

Dude, stop obsessing about why you're not over the stripper. Let it go and you'll be over her.

 

[bigneil]

The worst forum members are the ones who change what they write based on who posted the comment. However:

"Being attacked is a sign that you are important enough to be a target. You should relish the attention... leaders have always found it useful to have an enemy at their gate." - Robert Greene in The 33 Strategies of War

 

[SoSuave666]

I'm not one for relationships really. I've had one "girlfriend" in my entire life. I regularly date women, but just have a hard time feeling a connection with any of them. It takes a special type of woman to keep my interest. Anyway, to answer your question....

I think the main idea is to shift your mindset from the females to whatever else makes you happy. If you are one of those guys that can go from relationship to relationship, then try and find another woman. If you feel broken and need a re-evaluation of your life, then that's the best option. Personally, I just kept living life. No one should have the power to break you down, although it does happen to the best of us. I improved my life physically and financially, but because I wanted to, not because a female broke up with me and forced my hand. Pretty much all the people who post here regularly have the majority of their life left to live. The reality is that these relationships, unless it is with your wife, have an expiration date. Use the relationship as an education and judge its success or failure based solely on the experience and not on the outcome. You aren't a failure if the relationship ended, only if you learned nothing from it.

 

[bigneil]

Your idea is easier BUT my way of dealing with it is much more rewarding. Both are acceptable but one leads to more rewards in the long run.

Wait, my idea implied that it takes time to find another woman. I don't see how it's two different ideas unless you are suggesting never dating again.
In years past I would have oneitis for years. I found that our brain will always default to the last really hot girl we had intimacy with. If you never get another girl you like that much you'll probably never get over her. To transfer our feelings we need to spend a lot of time with a new girl. As you fall for her you let go of the other one, in the same motion. Ask yourself this: Did you ever have two-itis? Is it even possible to have oneitis for two women? Same goes for her. That's why they change overnight - they fell for someone else.

So basically you're saying lose your oneitis by finding another women to get oneitis with? Pursuing one chick post oneitis sounds like a recipe for disaster.

You can go on 10 dates with new women (as I did) but it won't change the fact that you like one. Note that the point where you let go of one girl is not the point of obsession with the new girl. There is a one-month period between letting go of Girl A and really falling for Girl B. You can dump the new girl without as much pain once she cures you, but chances are you won't want to.

 

[SgtSplacker]

The whole "oneitis" issue is a strange one to me. It's just not logical...

If you have oneitis it's because you really like someone.
If you really like someone it's because they are awesome.
If they don't like you then what's so awesome about that?
Is someone that doesn't like you awesome?
How awesome are they if that can't see your virtues?
Not very awesome right?

I have always been the kind of person that likes people that like me first. I don't pick my friends and lovers, they pick me. Sure there are pretty girls out there i'd love to have. But if it's not working she just goes back in the water with the rest of the world of inedible mildly toxic fish.

Oneitis can be defined as the pursuit of a relationship that is not good for you. Why? Because the last thing you want is someone that does not really like you, to be pretending they do. This is how people get cheated on, this is how bad relationships are made. Because basically someone that doesn't really like you is not going to try as hard as someone that does. Is this what you want? When I see my relationships going south something in me just turns off, the person is drastically devalued in my mind. It's easy for me to let them go on to greener pastures. It's better for both of us...

Remember men need to be in control of their emotions at all times. You should never allow yourself to feel something that you don't want to feel.

 

[bigneil]

You should never allow yourself to feel something that you don't want to feel.

But I did want to feel in love with her. When a woman starts sleeping over you can get attached. Some of them are master seducers.

We can't choose to not love someone just because they don't love us anymore. Sometimes they really did love us which is why we let our guard down, then they changed and we didn't.

 

[Gro0ver]

The whole "oneitis" issue is a strange one to me. It's just not logical...

If you have oneitis it's because you really like someone.
If you really like someone it's because they are awesome.
If they don't like you then what's so awesome about that?
Is someone that doesn't like you awesome?
How awesome are they if that can't see your virtues?
Not very awesome right?

I have always been the kind of person that likes people that like me first. I don't pick my friends and lovers, they pick me. Sure there are pretty girls out there i'd love to have. But if it's not working she just goes back in the water with the rest of the world of inedible mildly toxic fish.

Oneitis can be defined as the pursuit of a relationship that is not good for you. Why? Because the last thing you want is someone that does not really like you, to be pretending they do. This is how people get cheated on, this is how bad relationships are made. Because basically someone that doesn't really like you is not going to try as hard as someone that does. Is this what you want? When I see my relationships going south something in me just turns off, the person is drastically devalued in my mind. It's easy for me to let them go on to greener pastures. It's better for both of us...

Remember men need to be in control of their emotions at all times. You should never allow yourself to feel something that you don't want to feel.

This is deep and I feel the same, although I am in a less developed phase of this mindset than you.

My guess is that is comes from that absolute faith in what I call "the product" - i.e. you and your ability to satisfy a woman over the long haul. I have that faith and I guess so do you, and if a woman can't see it then she has poor judgement

 

[youngmack]

For me i've had this same oneitis for over a year and im 16... I've messed with a good amount of girls but i still cant get over the oneitis. I dont know what is is but these girls just didnt cure me even if they were hotter than my oneitis girl. Or maybe im forcing myself not to gain feelings for girls anymore since i dont want to be in the same predicament i am in now.... Maybe that is why im still not cured... Who knows

 

[comic_relief]

I'm really glad to hear you say that this approach works!

I need to do this....stay single for awhile....but it's hard because I've been in relationships for so long, there is a void in the form of sex/intimacy/in depth conversations that make me want to look for a relationship.

Hearing you say that its beneficial in the long run is heartening though....I have not been single since I was 16 and I'm now almost 27. Time to change.

What keeps you motivated to stay single? Is it pure self-improvement drive or something else as well?

welcome to the club, I have been in a relationship since I was 17 and not single until I was 24 (single almost 11 months but starting to now think of getting back into the dating world since I had to kill off a few pesky inner demons). I have read more books, collected more money, played a few games, been freer to do more stuff without time constraints, got better jobs, and went back to school for new fields of study. I definitely agree with Bigneil that improvement is key at this point.

You MUST improve financially (or your education/career) AND physically. Then you are in a position to command the respect of a better woman. Rejection is your inspiration to make this advancement.

Which is what I spent my time doing and it works like a charm. Now I can command better respect from women.

What keeps you motivated to stay single? Is it pure self-improvement drive or something else as well?

Its being too freaking busy. Here is my general tentative schedule starting in July:
Monday through Friday
4:00 AM - get up
4:30 AM - research on ornithology
8:00 AM - switch research to stream ecology
2:00 PM - get ready for other job that makes me money
3:00 PM - be at factory job that actually makes me money
8:00 PM - Quitting time at the factory
8:30 PM - bed (to get up and do it all over again the next day) Friday changes to drive to my weekend job

Saturday and Sunday
9:00 AM - wake up (yes I get a chance to sleep in every once and a while)
9:30 AM - be ready start job by greeting visitors
10:00 AM - be on bus to the river
10:30 AM - get in kayak to go white water rafting as the guide for the people's trip
4:00 PM - get off the river and get ready to play sports/drinking with friends 50 miles away from my regular stomping grounds
11:00PM - fall asleep in hammock to repeat same thing on Sunday

I just don't really have time at all at this point to lavish attention on anyone else. Call me selfish, but I really don't have THAT much time.

Wait, my idea implied that it takes time to find another woman. I don't see how it's two different ideas unless you are suggesting never dating again.
In years past I would have oneitis for years. I found that our brain will always default to the last really hot girl we had intimacy with. If you never get another girl you like that much you'll probably never get over her. To transfer our feelings we need to spend a lot of time with a new girl. As you fall for her you let go of the other one, in the same motion. Ask yourself this: Did you ever have two-itis? Is it even possible to have oneitis for two women? Same goes for her. That's why they change overnight - they fell for someone else.

Your idea seems to imply that you want to just replace the hole left in your heart by one girl to another girl. Doesn't seem healthy to me at all, but maybe I misread what you were going for. Reread same post and thinks you still meant what I think that you meant.

I disagree with you on the idea that you get oneitis for the last hot girl that you have been with. I managed to think of all the hot ex-gfs that I have slept with over the past few years (it helps to have video , if you ain't over them DO NOT watch it and don't ask to see the videos. I will NOT share). I really don't even get oneitis anymore because I take SgtSplacker's advice. Excellent post that I will get to shortly.

- comic_relief

 

[comic_relief]

The whole "oneitis" issue is a strange one to me. It's just not logical...

If you have oneitis it's because you really like someone.
If you really like someone it's because they are awesome.
If they don't like you then what's so awesome about that?
Is someone that doesn't like you awesome?
How awesome are they if that can't see your virtues?
Not very awesome right?

I have always been the kind of person that likes people that like me first. I don't pick my friends and lovers, they pick me. Sure there are pretty girls out there i'd love to have. But if it's not working she just goes back in the water with the rest of the world of inedible mildly toxic fish.

Oneitis can be defined as the pursuit of a relationship that is not good for you. Why? Because the last thing you want is someone that does not really like you, to be pretending they do. This is how people get cheated on, this is how bad relationships are made. Because basically someone that doesn't really like you is not going to try as hard as someone that does. Is this what you want? When I see my relationships going south something in me just turns off, the person is drastically devalued in my mind. It's easy for me to let them go on to greener pastures. It's better for both of us...

Remember men need to be in control of their emotions at all times. You should never allow yourself to feel something that you don't want to feel.

This is an excellent post that I feel needs a small expansion. I am a subscriber of the anti-dump machine. Therefore, I never pick a relationship and build it up. They usually pick me up (makes the entire thing easier). Then I make the decision, IS THIS GIRL WORTH MY TIME, ENERGY, AND MONEY SPENT? If it is, then I go after it. If not, I LJBF (oh its freaking uncomfortable).

If the girl makes me unhappy, I just move on from her. I have done it before and I will do it again until I find a great girl that makes me happy on all accounts :rockon:

Your attitude is very healthy and thank you for sharing it with the rest of us.

- comic_relief

 

[zekko]

Pretty much all the people who post here regularly have the majority of their life left to live.

I do agree with you that relationships have expiration dates, though.
They're like books, they have a beginning, a middle, and an end.
Just because the book ends doesn't mean that it wasn't worthwhile to read it.

 

[bigneil]

If the girl makes me unhappy, I just move on from her.

People often pretend they've never been hurt, never had a woman pull a 180, never had feelings for a woman. It's either untrue or they are not dating women who are as hot as they could get.

That's like saying "I'll never care if I lose my cat or dog because I will just get another one from the shelter."

For every man there exists a woman who he would hate to lose if he ever had her.

 

[bigneil]

I do agree with you that relationships have expiration dates, though.
They're like books, they have a beginning, a middle, and an end.
Just because the book ends doesn't mean that it wasn't worthwhile to read it.

Very true. Also, we need to know when to close the chapter. Did you ever get back with an ex only to find that it tarnished the whole memory of her? Sometimes they will deliberately crap on a good memory just to spite you. You are best just remembering her as she once was because now she's older, more bitter, with more miles on the odometer and a longer list of your faults in mind.

 

[comic_relief]

People often pretend they've never been hurt, never had a woman pull a 180, never had feelings for a woman. It's either untrue or they are not dating women who are as hot as they could get.

That's like saying "I'll never care if I lose my cat or dog because I will just get another one from the shelter."

For every man there exists a woman who he would hate to lose if he ever had her.

A.) I'm talking more from the standpoint of new girls at the point of just walking away. What do you have to judge them on? Maybe a week or so? Not enough to make a big change in your life. See B.

B.) For the girls that you have loved and lost, you never really get over it. Like any bad (or terrible) experience, you just move on and adapt. At least, that is the general consensus among my friends and me.

I still do not believe that one should just fill the void with a new person. Learn to fill the void yourself, I have done this and it is in my opinion much better.

If you have an opposite opinion, please share.

- comic_relief

 

[zekko]

People often pretend they've never been hurt, never had a woman pull a 180, never had feelings for a woman. It's either untrue or they are not dating women who are as hot as they could get.

That's like saying "I'll never care if I lose my cat or dog because I will just get another one from the shelter."

Good analogy. Really, there's nothing you can do but move on.
But if you really cared about the person there's going to be some pain involved.

I've known several people (both male and female) who have told me they've never had their hearts broken. I can't even begin to imagine what that must be like. I thought it was a universal experience, but apparently it isn't.

Did you ever get back with an ex only to find that it tarnished the whole memory of her?

I've always believed it's better to go forward than backwards. I can see the appeal of revisiting past loves, but it's never been my thing. I'm always looking for the new, better thing.