The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[LiveYourDream]

@BeTheChange As bad as it hurts, it's better that the illusion was burst. NC usually takes one through missing the ex and thinking of all ways maybe it might work out with them in the future. That messes with so many people through NC and years down the road. You just got a clean exit. It hurts like crazy. I am not minimizing that. It's going to sting for a while. You've handled yourself incredibly up until today and through the whole experience today. You have lots to be proud of in that. That doesn't make it feel so much better right now, I know. Down the line, you'll reflect on how well you handled it and so will she. You'll hold your head high because of it.

Right now, it hurts. It will for a while. Do physical stuff. Lift weights, run, something, push-ups if you need to. Move your body till you sweat. It will help you through this time, if you do it. What else? It feels like you she dealt you a huge blow. Reframe that inside yourself, as soon as possible!!! Reframe it to she gave you the biggest gift today! She showed you her true colors, that is a gift. You are forever free of the illusion of who she might be in your future. She showed you, before you became even more serious or had kids (at least I think.) It is truly a blessing. I know it doesn't feel like it. There will be a day you see it. The sooner you can traverse from feeling like a victim (in any way), to feeling empowered by your own choices and your own actions, the better you will feel.

Huge compassion your way. Hang in there. You are right. It's only going to get better!

 

[LiveYourDream]

Ran into each other.. that lead to coffee..that lead to drinks.. that lead to sleeping together.

@finality, Don't judge it. Don't get into shame about it. Those two things will weigh you down and hold you back more than anything else. Realize it happens until it doesn't. There are countless examples of others on this board having gone back to an ex on more than one occasion. You are not the only one. Don't beat yourself up. Let it go. Move on. What's the saying? It's about progress not perfection. It took some real balls to show back up here. I respect your choice to do it!

Focus on where you are now! Focus on what you want more of in your life! Take action to support it!

 

[Carpathian]

I've just seen my ex, literally just 10 mins ago walk by the bar i was sitting in. I am going to lie to u if i told u that i didnt feel anything. Had that burn in my chest but didnt last long, maybe a minute or two.

Yes. That's why I try and steer clear of going any place where I may possibly see her. I still have feelings for her and I would rather not see her ever again but that us unlikely since she only lives 3 km away and it is only a matter if time before I bump into her in the street/store.

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 6

"Pain is temporary. At the end of pain is success"

Actually laughing at how ridiculous the situation is. She threw a grenade at my heart and just doesnt give a fvck! Lol! Obviously I'm hurting but I have to laugh at just how ruthless/psycho she actually is.

I'm proud of myself for not slipping. No angry texts, calls or emails or worse messages crying about how I miss her or some other bullsh*t.

I'll get through this. Off to Salsa tonight. I like the advice of finding a hobby or interest and doing it to excess. It would be amazing if by the end of the summer I was half decent. AND there are sooooo many hotties.

 

[BeTheChange]

Can someone help me understand why I'm not even angry anymore?

I actually keep thinking how much of a shame it is. How far she's fallen. How she is so definitely NOT the girl I fell in love with. When we met she was a 19 year old virgin. Now she's a 22 year old viper. There were definitely some vindictive aspects to her personality I won't deny that but 99% of the time she was nice and in all honesty a pretty good girlfriend. I am man enough to admit that 99% of woman would have left me or cheated on me given how I have acted over the last three years. I have a lot things I need to fix. I've hit a lot of career and financial milestones but in the process neglected to work on my integrity and personal character. That will be a major area of improvement over the next few months.

I was the jerk boyfriend for over a year before she had enough and split up with me - and man was I jerk. That's when she started acting out and got her first taste of another guy. She missed me and we got back together after a few weeks. I took her back largely out of guilt for my own behaviour, because of love I guess and because I too had banged women during the break. But I resented her for throwing away what was SO important to me - the fact she had only been with me and no one else. And honestly we never really recovered from that, even though we stayed together for more than a year and half after. Even to this day, EVERY SINGLE TIME we had sex I think of this guy (no homo lol). It ate me up inside and I'm not proud of this but I did get increasingly verbally and physically (albeit not extreme enough to put her in any real danger) abusive. So I can see why by the end she was looking to exit. It was too toxic and I wasn't going to change.

What grates me is the way she is now. So cold. As if the last 3 years were nothing. As if there weren't good moments so often in our relationship. For Christ sake's we fvcked on Saturday and she was telling me how much she loved me. Maybe I'm denying reality but i refuse to believe she still doesn't love the sh*t out of me haha. I held the frame almost exclusively in the relationship and I could see how frustrated she became by the fact that she KNEW I cared about her less than she cared about me and how much power it gave me.

Quite a few of my guy friends are saying she must have always had that h0eish tendency inside of her and she is now acting out because she can get away with it. SOME of my girlfriends are being more understanding (as you might expect). One told me that when her ex boyfriend who took her virginity dumped her she went off the rails, fvcked around and wasn't ready for a relationship for 2 years after. I never really acknowledged how delicate I should have been given I took her virginity. What I'm saying is if she had met another guy, she could have turned out completely different. I, on the other hand, was always going to be an assh*le, regardless of who I was with. But I do think it's necessary to acknowledge this in order to make a change for the better.

Caveat: this is not me trying to intellectually justify trying to win her back or anything like that. That chapter is CLOSED. She can't unsuck all that d*ck she'll be choking on during this "transition period" so there is no going back. I'm just generally intrigued as to whether this is a character defect or typical behaviour of a woman scorned, especially when young, immature and lacking wordly experience.

I'm just thinking out loud and trying to take as many lessons from this as possible.

 

[BeTheChange]

I feel like sending her a short closure type email saying:

"If you'd met another guy that night in [city where we met] you might have turned out ok. I on the other hand, was always going to be an assh*le. You'll find another [nickname for boyfriend] soon enough. Be safe. you owe it yourself. Wish you the best"

Guys and girls, please convince me why it would be a bad/ good idea to do this.

Edit:

Managed to convince myself why it would be bad idea to send such a thing

1. If she responds to it positively then I'm in danger of being drawn back in. It's actually better for my NC and overall recovery if she continues to hate me.

2. If she responds to it negatively or worse not at all then it will probably screw with my head a bit. I'm still not emotionally detached enough to not be affected by that.

 

[alex_in24]

Yes. That's why I try and steer clear of going any place where I may possibly see her. I still have feelings for her and I would rather not see her ever again but that us unlikely since she only lives 3 km away and it is only a matter if time before I bump into her in the street/store.

Same here bro, just 200 metres away from me she lives..

 

[Carpathian]

I feel like sending her a short closure type email saying:

"If you'd met another guy that night in [city where we met] you might have turned out ok. I on the other hand, was always going to be an assh*le. You'll find another [nickname for boyfriend] soon enough. Be safe. you owe it yourself. Wish you the best"

Guys and girls, please convince me why it would be a bad/ good idea to do this.

Edit:

Managed to convince myself why it would be bad idea to send such a thing

1. If she responds to it positively then I'm in danger of being drawn back in. It's actually better for my NC and overall recovery if she continues to hate me.

2. If she responds to it negatively or worse not at all then it will probably screw with my head a bit. I'm still not emotionally detached enough to not be affected by that.

I say don't do anything!!!! Never initiate communications with her ever again, this is your ego wanting "closure". There is no such thing as closure, it is over and that is all the closure you'll ever need. You will set yourself back if you text her first. If she then replies you'll get drawn back into all the sh1t and mind-games again. If there is any running at all left in this it has to come from her. She has to reach out to you. If she doesn't forget her. Indeed, you should be trying to forget her anyway (more difficult than it sounds I know - I have by no means "forgotten" about my ex, I think about her numerous times per day still, I still feel some love towards her, even after 14 weeks although it is getting better).

 

[Carpathian]

Same here bro, just 200 metres away from me she lives..

Brother Alex that must be so hard....

 

[LiveYourDream]

Can someone help me understand why I'm not even angry anymore?

At the moment you are in a bit of shock and numb. Anger will cycle through. You are not done with it yet. When it comes do not contact her. Do something positive and productive with the energy... run, lift weights, build something, something physical. It will pass. It will come again. It will pass. It's like weather. Some days it's clear, some days it's stormy. Don't take it personally. It's just weather, passing through.

 

[BeTheChange]

Same here bro, just 200 metres away from me she lives..

And mine lives 30 seconds walk away. Brutal.

 

[alex_in24]

@Carpathian @BeTheChange Yeah its very brutal, it fvcks our minds a lot. You are expecting to see her everytime u go out and thats killing us.

Listen this funny anecdote about my ex. She has a boyfriend now as i told u yesterday. I know this guy. He used to come to the bar where me and my ex were always chilling and drinking coffee. I remember very clearly this particular moment. One time I was there at the bar with my ex and her mom drinking coffee. Her current boyfriend walks in with some friend of his and sit on a table. Then out of nowhere, just to keep the convo fun and going i ask my ex and her mom what do they think about these 2 guys, do they find them attractive and if yes, which guy is better ? ( her current BF is blonde dude, and the other is brown haired). Both of them said that the brown dude is very better looking and is more masculine while the blonde dude (her current bf) is very girly and isnt attractive AT ALL. I was intrigued by that answer so i asked my ex: really ?? so u're saying that u would never go out with that blonde guy, and u find the brown haired guy more attractive ? And she says: NO! Never, look at him, he is awful.

Fast forward 1st July 2016

My ex. Blonde dude. Picture at the beach. Love you love me sweetie bunny blah blah blah.

AWALT ? Hypergamy? Hamster spinning ??

 

[BeTheChange]

Just thought I'd drop into say a few things. Just come back from Salsa and feel great. Went there alone but got chatting to loads of people. Had a group of guys and girls coming over to me and started loads of conversations. Basically just chatting and having a great time. Noticed a few girls checking me out. Definitely making Thursday night Salsa a regular! And what's so brilliant is if I was still with my ex I would never have done this. I don't want to toot my own horn but I'm really happy with the way I responded to yesterday. Most guys would have been on the floor and depressed. I chose to go out the next night and have a great time! And next week my friends will be coming to join me there.

I feel happier and more confident. Texting 3 plates right now (not including tinder girls) and I haven't even got started yet!. Really positive. My best mate has taken my ex gf's ticket to Italy - I'd paid for us to fly out as a couple together - so that will be awesome. Heading thete end of July. Going to a party Friday, football with the boys on Saturday and then another night out. Then Sunday sunny day at the park followed by a potential date and Salsa. Things are looking up.

Summer 16 is looking like it could turn out to be the best summer ever. Roll on NC!

 

[LiveYourDream]

Summer 16 is looking like it could turn out to be the best summer ever. Roll on NC!

Great attitude!!!

 

[S. Aureus]

Same here bro, just 200 metres away from me she lives..

Ah well, and I thought seeing her everyday at class would be tough. I can't imagine the pain at the start!!!

 

[BeTheChange]

Day 7

@LiveYourDream. It's a good thing I didn't message her last night because you were right. Had a dream where my ex came back and was openly saying it was just because her new man was away for the weekend. Rather than being apologetic she was openly blaming me and relishing in my pain and frustration, even going into some detail about the sordid sh*t they got up to. The dream ended with me punching her in the face.

It's 6 am here and I'm so goddamn angry. Had less than 5 hours sleep too.

 

[LiveYourDream]

The dream ended with me punching her in the face.

It's 6 am here and I'm so goddamn angry. Had less than 5 hours sleep too.

It will pass. It will come again. It will pass. It's like weather. Some days it's clear, some days it's stormy. Don't take it personally. It's just weather, passing through.

@BeTheChange, It's a stormy out right now. That's ok. It will pass. It's just your system clearing out stuff. Don't focus on it. Don't try to make sense of it. It's just weather passing through. Be kind to yourself and do your day, as you would have any way. Keep making positive choices for you and your life, regardless of the "weather." Remind yourself, "This too shall pass." Hang in there!

 

[alex_in24]

I woke up 10 mins ago. Literally all night I had dreams of my ex. Her getting back together with me, kissing laughing and all the "good" stuff that u can imagine. When i woke up, i didn't have that burning in the chest nor that nasty feeling in my stomach. I had..almost nothing felt. But there I am..3+months since the break up and still talk and think bout her. And what does she do ? She just got herself a new relationship, hearts and kisses and love everywhere on the social media. She even put his initials in the Instagram description like she did with mines and that stings a bit. But im okay, i will be just fine.

 

[Carpathian]

I woke up 10 mins ago. Literally all night I had dreams of my ex. Her getting back together with me, kissing laughing and all the "good" stuff that u can imagine. When i woke up, i didn't have that burning in the chest nor that nasty feeling in my stomach. I had..almost nothing felt. But there I am..3+months since the break up and still talk and think bout her. And what does she do ? She just got herself a new relationship, hearts and kisses and love everywhere on the social media. She even put his initials in the Instagram description like she did with mines and that stings a bit. But im okay, i will be just fine.

Brother, why are you still connected with her on social media? I would delete every possible reference to her. I deleted her off EVERYTHING. I don't care if she thought I was being petty when i did this three months ago; I don't want to know what she is up to. Period. I have no idea what she is doing now. The last I heard was when I broke NC four weeks ago and the last email was from me.

I deleted all of our photos of our time together, deleted all her texts and emails, gave her the Valentines cards back, I gave her all her stuff back, and I gave her back the presents she bought me. I want no reference to her at all. In short me and my daughter do not want to be reminded of her by stuff in my home. Maybe I have been extreme but the b1atch dumped me three times after I was so kind, loyal, generous and loving to her.

 

[alex_in24]

@Carpathian

I am not connected, suddenly a pic of her and her new Bf popped up although she is blocked. That;s how i found out...it kills me.