I still have her sending me messages telling me how good we were together, telling me she made mistakes but we both did and that we can put this behind us, blah, blah, blah.
She's very good with knowing what sounds nice and Disneyeque but when it comes to it her actions don't support what comes out of her mouth.
She phoned me from another number so I picked up. We spoke briefly and I half agreed to meet her at her place. She wanted to reconcile and "get closure" so I was willing to hear what she had to say. She told me she'd be back for 9:30.
I went to the gym and told her I'd be there around for 10:15. She told me that was too late. For me this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I told her I would not be interested in meeting her regardless of what she had to say and that I would not give her the "happy ending" and "closure" that she wanted nor would I be open to seeing her again before she flies back to Germany.
I've realised that what sucks most about this breakup is that it has exposed how reliant I was on her for a lot of things. I have a pretty good support system in terms of family and a few close friends, as well as this site but in terms of life in general not so much.
For example I don't feel the need to be that social except for an association with a few close friends. I realised that 70% of the time I conversed on a day to day basis was probably with her. Sometimes even more. To go from that to nothing is a pretty big loss. No-one to tell about your day, your future, dreams and passions, etc. You're losing your best friend, your closest social companion, your access to regular sex and your primary emotional outlet all in one go. And on top of this you're left with the burden of freedom and the massive anxiety that comes with not knowing what to do with all this spare time. Of course it's going to be tough.
I've acknowledged that I allowed her to become way to big a part of my life so in future I need to build a life and a social circle such that the next gf is one of MANY good things going for me.
I'm going set social, fitness and DJ goals.
To go out sarging at least twice a week, to meet a friend for coffee or drinks at least once a week, to join atleast 2 classes a week (salsa, yoga), play my guitar at least 3 times a week and hit the gym 5 times a week.
I'm 100% concious of the fact the main reason I still see her as so precious is subtle oneitis based on the idea that she has all these "unique" qualities and that I can't get an emotional connection with other women.
To remedy this I'm going to try my hardest to GFTOW (go fvck ten other women) because I need to show myself that all these special "unique" qualities I thought she had are not in fact that unique at all. For me the key thing is to make sure I can build some sort of emotional connection with some of these women because I don't think one night stands are great for getting over a breakup. If I can look at another girl as just as good as my ex then I'll KNOW this reason for still wanting her is just in my head.
