The mother in law variable

[Pandora]

I was getting serious with this girl recently. I communicated with her mother. This was a big mistake. I never knew how much of a factor the mother is. I would see jokes being made on TV shows about the " monster in law" etc but I never really experienced it much. Not only are you marrying the girl you are also marrying the mother. If the mother is dysfunctional then the daughter will be too.

After talking to my co workers about this issue we identified a few ways that mothers sabotage the relationship of the dauther.

1.) If the daughter is high conflict, then usually the mother is also high conflict. The daughter learned these coping mechanisms from the mother.

2.) Mothers are often co dependent on their daughters. They view the fiance or bf as taking away their daughter from them. They will try to prevent you from stealing her support system. This happens when the mother is very unhappy with her marriage and uses the daughter as an emotional crutch.

3.) The mothers are jealous that their daughters found a good man. Misery loves company.

 

[corsica]

I never had problems with them since they all saw me as high value compared to the average guy.

But I tried to distance/hide myself as much as possible. An example would be when your girl receives an call from her mom and after some chat, she tries to pass the phone "just to say hi".

I always say I don't like to talk on the phone. It works for a while but after some years you have to meet the parents. I meet them in person, I leave a good impression but I go back to never talking on the phone again.

 

[Pandora]

I never had problems with them since they all saw me as high value compared to the average guy.

But I tried to distance/hide myself as much as possible. An example would be when your girl receives an call from her mom and after some chat, she tries to pass the phone "just to say hi".

I always say I don't like to talk on the phone. It works for a while but after some years you have to meet the parents. I meet them in person, I leave a good impression but I go back to never talking on the phone again.

Yeh this is the prob the best way to do it.

 

[Bigpapa]

I was getting serious with this girl recently. I communicated with her mother. This was a big mistake. I never knew how much of a factor the mother is. I would see jokes being made on TV shows about the " monster in law" etc but I never really experienced it much. Not only are you marrying the girl you are also marrying the mother. If the mother is dysfunctional then the daughter will be too.

After talking to my co workers about this issue we identified a few ways that mothers sabotage the relationship of the dauther.

1.) If the daughter is high conflict, then usually the mother is also high conflict. The daughter learned these coping mechanisms from the mother.

2.) Mothers are often co dependent on their daughters. They view the fiance or bf as taking away their daughter from them. They will try to prevent you from stealing her support system. This happens when the mother is very unhappy with her marriage and uses the daughter as an emotional crutch.

3.) The mothers are jealous that their daughters found a good man. Misery loves company.

Makes no sense bro what you are saying

It is true that women learn a lot of good or bad things from their parents , and there is a saying that if you want to see your girl in 20 years from now just look at her mother ( but this refers more to how she will look like , rather than how she will behave like )

From my end , I think that the most important thing is if her parents spoiled her or not . If she was spoiled , she will behave quite bad on average due to her entitlement

Usually single children are very spoiled on average , so maybe makes more sense to look for girls who have siblings

 

[Pandora]

Makes no sense bro what you are saying

It is true that women learn a lot of good or bad things from their parents , and there is a saying that if you want to see your girl in 20 years from now just look at her mother ( but this refers more to how she will look like , rather than how she will behave like )

From my end , I think that the most important thing is if her parents spoiled her or not . If she was spoiled , she will behave quite bad on average due to her entitlement

Usually single children are very spoiled on average , so maybe makes more sense to look for girls who have siblings

I hear ya man but you would be surprised. Mothers do compete with their daughters. The real dysfunctional mothers anyway.

 

[Bigpapa]

I hear ya man but you would be surprised. Mothers do compete with their daughters. The real dysfunctional mothers anyway.

Ywah , but these are outliers

Makes more sense to have a default model , otherwise if you always take into account all the outliers you would see no point in living

The more people are , the more outliers yoh will see , but these are outliers , maybe 1-2% of the whole population

 

[Pandora]

Ywah , but these are outliers

Makes more sense to have a default model , otherwise if you always take into account all the outliers you would see no point in living

The more people are , the more outliers yoh will see , but these are outliers , maybe 1-2% of the whole population

Its common in single mother households. Mother and daughters form unhealty co dependency patterns. Its called sister daughter syndrome. A lot of mothers sexually compete for male attention.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Never had issues. The mother's loved me like I was their son and would take my side if we had arguments. I literally could do no wrong.

The one time the daughter ended things we me after almost two years, her mother called me up to let me know how amazing she thought I was and that her daughter was making a big mistake and she told her the same thing.

 

[Pandora]

Never had issues. The mother's loved me like I was their son and would take my side if we had arguments. I literally could do no wrong.

The one time the daughter ended things we me after almost two years, her mother called me up to let me know how amazing she thought I was and that her daughter was making a big mistake and she told her the same thing.

Bro you were lucky man. Many mother in laws are not that good. What ever happend to that girl? Did she come back apologizing months later?

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Bro you were lucky man. Many mother in laws are not that good. What ever happend to that girl? Did she come back apologizing months later?

She got in contact with me a few years later to tell me her Mother had a terminal illness and started small talking with me. She said things didn't work out with the guy she broke up with me for and wished she listened to her Mother.

I just told her I was sorry to hear about her Mother and that people are human and they make mistakes and that I wished the best for her. Sent a few more feelers out after that but I never gave her anything close to interest. Just was brief but polite.

 

[Barrister]

From a purely physical stance - almost all women turn into their mothers. So even if the woman is a HB 9 you are seeing, if her mother who is 25-30 years older weighs 250 pounds and has a butterface keep in mind that will be this woman eventually almost to a T. It really is amazing looking at old pictures of women 50+ with a hot daughter and thinking "there is no way that is her." Believe it.

As far as emotional problems, I don't think that is quite so uniform. I know plenty of women who are embarrassed by their mothers and actually go out of their way to be completely different from them.

 

[Pandora]

From a purely physical stance - almost all women turn into their mothers. So even if the woman is a HB 9 you are seeing, if her mother who is 25-30 years older weighs 250 pounds and has a butterface keep in mind that will be this woman eventually almost to a T. It really is amazing looking at old pictures of women 50+ with a hot daughter and thinking "there is no way that is her." Believe it.

As far as emotional problems, I don't think that is quite so uniform. I know plenty of women who are embarrassed by their mothers and actually go out of their way to be completely different from them.

Yeh you guys are right. I am referring to my situation and the situation in the black community. I can admit that these are exceptions.

I have dated 2 borderlines. Both their mothers gave self sabotaging man advice.

1.) One was a single mother. She warned me that her mother will try to hit on me. Sure enough after I left the house the mother claimed that I was looking at her azz ( which i surely was not).

2.) The other girls mother had a love hate relationship with me. She loved that her daughter had a good man but hated that I would take her daughter from her (she said this). She was miserable and codependant on the daughter emotionally.

3.) In the single mother ridden black community mothers are known to instill misandry into their daugthers. They sabatoge their daughters relationships and never hold their daughters accountable for bad behavior. Kevin Sameuls also talks about this.

I realize that this is the exception and not the norm. I can admit that.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Mother-child relationships get weird. Mothers of sons get idiotic too. It’s like they do in fact get strangely co-dependent, and I’ve always thought that is weird.

Not to get super religious but there is great wisdom in the Bible where it says:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh (sic) Matthew 19:5.

The context is ancient tricksters trying to justify divorce 2 thousand years ago, but here’s the thing about the passage that has always struck me. The marriage is now the primary family for the man and his wife. They are united. That means the wife is to look to the husband for guidance and leadership (NOT Mom), and the man is to look for comfort in his wife (NOT Mom).

But too many mother-child relationships do not have healthy boundaries whatsoever. Too many mothers interfere (or try to). If a parent is unwilling to be supportive of the marriage (of both spouses) then the parent is being divisive and that is bad news bears.

My father was supportive of my first marriage in the way it was intended Biblically. My mother was divisive. Guess what? Out of loyalty to my husband I eventually removed my mother from my life. Period. My mother-in-law was less supportive than my father, but she was tolerable, in large part because my first husband would check her hard at times out of loyalty to me.

What you have to have is the will to put your spouse above all others in the family, including and especially mommy and daddy. It is hard for many parents to acquiesce that role in the child’s life, but the child must then enforce it.

My 20 year old son will likely propose to his gf of 4+ years. She will likely be his wife. I am going to honor that choice in the way my father honored my marriage. My son is a grown ass man and takes care of his business and his gf takes good care of him. Same with my 18yo daughter who is in a LTR for 1.5 years. I will be supportive of the relationship if it lasts (he is a good young man).

I have never understood divisive parents unless there is abuse occurring. You child has chosen a partner. Support that choice. I feel the same about parents who choose or end up with a different partner than the other parent. Be happy for that person’s happiness and be supportive. Do not be divisive. My children are supportive of my fiancé for example. They want to see me happy/content and so forth.

But many people are not this evolved, and so at times good boundaries are required.

 

[Pandora]

Advice from the old lady:

Mother-child relationships get weird. Mothers of sons get idiotic too. It’s like they do in fact get strangely co-dependent, and I’ve always thought that is weird.

Not to get super religious but there is great wisdom in the Bible where it says:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh (sic) Matthew 19:5.

The context is ancient tricksters trying to justify divorce 2 thousand years ago, but here’s the thing about the passage that has always struck me. The marriage is now the primary family for the man and his wife. They are united. That means the wife is to look to the husband for guidance and leadership (NOT Mom), and the man is to look for comfort in his wife (NOT Mom).

But too many mother-child relationships do not have healthy boundaries whatsoever. Too many mothers interfere (or try to). If a parent is unwilling to be supportive of the marriage (of both spouses) then the parent is being divisive and that is bad news bears.

My father was supportive of my first marriage in the way it was intended Biblically. My mother was divisive. Guess what? Out of loyalty to my husband I eventually removed my mother from my life. Period. My mother-in-law was less supportive than my father, but she was tolerable, in large part because my first husband would check her hard at times out of loyalty to me.

What you have to have is the will to put your spouse above all others in the family, including and especially mommy and daddy. It is hard for many parents to acquiesce that role in the child’s life, but the child must then enforce it.

My 20 year old son will likely propose to his gf of 4+ years. She will likely be his wife. I am going to honor that choice in the way my father honored my marriage. My son is a grown ass man and takes care of his business and his gf takes good care of him. Same with my 18yo daughter who is in a LTR for 1.5 years. I will be supportive of the relationship if it lasts (he is a good young man).

I have never understood divisive parents unless there is abuse occurring. You child has chosen a partner. Support that choice. I feel the same about parents who choose or end up with a different partner than the other parent. Be happy for that person’s happiness and be supportive. Do not be divisive. My children are supportive of my fiancé for example. They want to see me happy/content and so forth.

But many people are not this evolved, and so at times good boundaries are required.

Why do you think your mother was divisive in your first marriage?

 

[BeExcellent]

Psychological fact that mothers program their children for life.

I always get the feeling that my girlfriends' mothers and fathers really like me. I am the nice, safe guy. I am savvy enough to build a concurrent friendly discourse and perhaps type of friendship with the parents, although they are wise to it at some level and remain reserved (they have seen my predecessors come and go, dead man walking). Parents have warned me about their daughters three times.

Often, the friends are even more influential than the parents, which I believe has sabotaged more of my relationships than a personality clash with the parents, even unhealthy parents. The friends are EXTREMELY selfish and rarely happy for their friend to be taken off of the singles market. They will sabotage like there's no tomorrow. Women's valuations are also not purely subjective and are based in market on your market rate. Your GF will also primarily test your market value based on her friends' opinions. Her friends opinions are idiosyncratic re: your value and easily triggered to the downside if you remind her of her own failed boyfriends.

It takes a self assured woman to manage opinions of the friends to be sure. I for one, put my foot down. It’s MY relationship and MY decision. My girlfriends do not say anything now, although in the past they have expressed concern about my choices, and to be fair they were correct about the ex from a few years ago….but I set them straight politely if they interject, my relationship is the priority over socializing with girlfriends. My friends ALL know this.

@Pandora my mother was a very damaged woman. She and both my aunts suffered sexual abuse at the hands of my maternal grandfather. He got away (the family has always believed) with murdering my grandmother. Dark dark stuff. So my mother was severely damaged by that and recoiled at the idea of healthy sexuality. She didn’t have a healthy template at all and at a very basic level did not trust men. She held my father (to whom she was married for 20 years) in contempt often, and my dad had affairs in part due (I believe) to my mother’s screwed up view of sex. She hated sex because of the reminder what had happened to her and her sisters.

One of my aunts has had decades of therapy and she has been quite candid about her experiences (super gross) and she was in the home the night of the murder. But my mother and my other aunt never dealt with the trauma and so it manifested in other ways. I will say this. My mom NEVER brought her father around my sisters and I, and my father was a big, strong, physically imposing man. My maternal grandfather would not dare cross my father.

This distrust of men was at the root of many things. One day my mother picked a fight with my first husband over something dumb, and then her dialogue expanded to men generally. She said my husband was no longer welcome in her home. I said well, we are a unit, so if you no longer want him coming over? No more daughter or grandchildren either.

Actually that decision reduced a tremendous amount of drama from our lives.