The Losing Plate

[Drum&Bass]

So far after using textbook PUA skills running flawless game..I seem to be losing ALL the girls to other guys..I randomly talk to girls I'm attracted to everywhere and i end up dating them, but I get attached and start stepping things up and then they disappear..

I heard back from all the girls I wanted to be with and they ditched me because they were seeing another guy who they were in love with before me and I guess they just used me for fun or whatever...at 1st I thought it was an excuse but EVERY single girl i've dated this year from 2 different states I've lost to other guys

How can I stop being the losing plate, or the boy toy for cheating/unsure women...

 

[MatureDJ]

Keep sawing wood. You'll eventually get with a woman who will dump her current boyfriend for you.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo D&B,



Here's a cold, hard fact:

Most women AND most men are NOT good relationship material. The better relationship candidates are like rare gems that only a trained eye can see their worth. If you have any doubts as to the truth of this, look around you at all the examples of BF/GF breakups and the divorce rate wherever you live.

Now having said that...

The only things that comes to mind right not for me to say to you is to learn a lesson from Doc Love. You can hear his podcasts for free over at Worldtalk Radio. I don't agree with EVERYTHING this guy says, but as a writer of relationship books myself, and as a student of human nature and of TRUE spirituality, I believe that the bulk of his philosophy is sound.

I encourage you to check him out at this site listed below. Because even if you disagree with some of his "laws", you may find that the "spirit" of his laws can be liberating.

http://www.worldtalkradio.com/archives.asp?sid=202

Doc Love's attitude has a lot of similiarities to one of this board's most famous members---ANTI-DUMP. If you're not already familiar with him yet, check the DJ Bible and/or do a search for his threads on here. Unlike many posters here, both of these men are not so much interested in JUST getting you laid----they're interested in helping you find an LTR, if you WANT one.

Anyway both of these guys' main message is to PROTECT YOUR HEART AT ALL COSTS. And you do this by not letting chicks get IN, until they've really EARNED the right to be there.

But specifically, here's SOME of what Doc Love preaches:

Stay away from liars, takers, gold-diggers, and women who display low interest in you.

Many women go out with you, fukk you, and will even MARRY YOU while only having a measley 50% interest level in you. They do this because they have THEIR OWN non-emotionally invested agenda, or because they are professional daters or hobby daters.

Translation: They don't think of you as anything more than a Plate to Spin. Check out this thread about The Interest Level Scale:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=16420&highlight=interest+level+scale

It is for this reason that you must guage a woman's interest level in you by how much, how long, and for what REASONS she expends energy in pursuing YOU.This is why Doc Love AND Anti-Dump both advise that you take NO woman seriously until you have at least exhibited consistently good behavior towards you for AT LEAST 10 dates or 2 or 3 months. Women are oftentimes "natural" players, actresses, or "plate-spinners", etc.

Whenever a woman flakes on you, whether it's before sex or AFTER sex, take it for what it really is at it's core----She's not that into you. She has low interest in you---for whatever reason. Whether she's seeing other guys, has written you off for "failing" some kind of assinine shyt test, or met somebody she thinks is NEWER & SHINIER, it is STILL true that her interest level in you is NOW lower than you want it to be.

At this point you can decide to either play the "pique her interest" game, or you can just NEXT her and move on. The choice is yours, trust your own judgement on situations like these. But I've found that you will usually make the better choice on matters like these when you can remove your EMOTIONS from factoring into your decision.

Doc Love has said "Never try to keep someone whose NOT trying to keep YOU." And I agree with this wholeheartedly. Think about it. If you have to work like HELL to get her, how much HARDER will you have to work to keep her. And if you have to work THAT hard for her, is SHE really right for your life? Is she REALLY worth the emotional turmoil she's SURE to put you through?

Never go exclusive or even think about exclusivity until the woman asks YOU for it----whether she does it covertly or overtly. That's the only way you can be at least a little more than halfway sure that this woman recognizes and COVETS your VALUE.

Unless a woman "ASKS" to be with you exclusively, and UNTIL a woman asks to be with you exclusively, always ASSUME that her ass ain't made up her mind about YOU yet. Because by NOT asking, she's proving SHE still wants to keep her own options open. SHE still wants to play the field and fukk OTHER guys. This is a harsh truth that I STILL have trouble sometimes accepting----but I'm getting alot better at it these days...lol

So, YOUR mission, if you're looking for a babe for an LTR, is to find a girl with high enough interest in you (from the START hopefully) that SHE'S willing to prove through long term, consistently good behavior that she's WORTH the decision to make her an exclusive part of your life.

Hope this helps.



March on, my friend.

 

[drmeathead]

man dont be the guy that a girl leaves her bf for and expect a relationship. a hook up is fine but not an LTR. do you really want a girl that has no integrity as a gf. she is with you and hooks up but then goes home to him so to speak and acts if things are all fine and good. she capable of lying. how can you ever know that she wouldnt do this to you?

i just got out of a relationship where i met the girl and started hooking up with her while she had a bf. i fell for her (totally different story) by accident. anyway the whole time we were together, i always had it in the back of my mind how we met and how she told her old bf she loved him on the phone and five minutes later was laying naked in bed with me.

the trust was never there, not like it should have been. it is not worth it. now if you want to hook up and even hang out thats up to you. if you want someone that you want to live in a house with a white picket fence with 2.4 kids, find a single girl.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

D&B, you're 26. Re-fukkin-lax. No relationships, no monogamy for you until you're 30. That's 4 years from now and that's maybe with a girlfriend, not marriage. You, like too many other guys, need to pull your head out of this "I need a relationship" horsesh!t. It never ceases to amaze me how eager otherwise fiercely independent guys are to put on the handcuffs of a "relationship" in their mid 20s right when they ought to be learning and growing in way that only the freedom of being single will allow.

Relax. Spin more plates. We only chase what runs away from us. When you do get to some semblance of your idealized relationship, you'll wish you'd have done more while single.

 

[Latinoman]

VICTORY UNLIMITED that was very good advice.

 

[Drum&Bass]

ok I'm actually over all these girls, but when i first got the news of the latest girl i was seeing, it was a bit of a bummer, but all is forgotten and I'm in a good state of mind..

dont be the guy that a girl leaves her bf for and expect a relationship. a hook up is fine but not an LTR. do you really want a girl that has no integrity as a gf. she is with you and hooks up but then goes home to him so to speak and acts if things are all fine and good. she capable of lying. how can you ever know that she wouldnt do this to you?

I'm very aware of this concept, and to clarify I didn't know these girls were spinning plates and I was one of their plates till the disappearing - re-appearing act.

Most women AND most men are NOT good relationship material. The better relationship candidates are like rare gems that only a trained eye can see their worth. If you have any doubts as to the truth of this, look around you at all the examples of BF/GF breakups and the divorce rate wherever you live.

i like to think I have a good sense of the personality traits that make for a LTR girl..but it seems even the girls that have their sh!t together are not concerned about the effects of connecting with guys and then leaving them without any consideration for how they might feel..i'm thinking alot of these girls think I'm some kind of player (which is not the case at all) so they don't feel very bad about dis-appearing on me.

p.s. Victory Unlimited your a stand up guy brother thnx for all the great replies.

Relax. Spin more plates.

I've read this response from you before and I'm also aware of this concept..but I have no desire to spin plates.

We only chase what runs away from us.

If I was AFC i would definitely agree with you 100% but if a girl doesn't show equal or more interest in me I assume she has moved on and I do the same.

I'm not attacking anyones advice because i fully believe in what everyone says, but I guess if none of you know me personally it would be hard to really tell me why I keep getting used and chucked by women whom have goals/good personalities and attractive. these are the diamonds in the rough but i guess because of my social skills and confidence I get opportunities that I otherwise would never have gotten, even if they are short term.

In the long run they think i'm fun and alpha but because of the stereotypes and the internet stuff floating around they think i'll be some kind of a$$hole or jerk so they bail before someone gets hurt (them)..or maybe I just wasn't their type to begin with but i learned how to press all the right buttons and bam, temporary fireworks..

i just dunno..

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo D&B,


Dude, I feel your pain. lol
And seriously, I think you're dealing with the same thing I've been struggling with as of late. I call it the Value Recognition Factor:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=108236


Oh, and here's something I posted on a Thread called "How often do you get flaked on":

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=1000755#post1000755

I think it would be timely to repost it here as well:




Yo Troops!

I've found an interesting thing has developed since I started on the DJ/Self Improvement path:

For the past 10 months or so, I've been dating/meeting the widest ranges of women that I've ever had in my life. I've made significant plays for about 60 women so far. They've all ranged in ages, interests, attractiveness, and personalities.

But what have they all had in common?

All of them have FLAKED.

The reasons are various, I'm sure. But I'll never KNOW for sure, because their flaky asses will probably NEVER tell me the whole story, let alone the TRUTH.

But here's something that has ocurred to me recently, and it may serve as a reminder to ease the minds of other guys who have the tendency of being TOO hard on themselves about their failure record with flakes:

Since I have improved myself so much in such a short period of time, my OVERALL attractiveness has skyrocketed. Troops, I suggest to you that ONE reason why a lot of women flake on you is because you have BECOME more "initially" appealing to a much wider range of women.

The more of a good CATCH you are perceived to be by a larger population of women, then the wider your NET becomes for reeling them in. So it would stand to reason that once your initial attractiveness "wears off" in the eyes of women, then they'll start to see you for who you really are inside.

And my experience has taught me that the closer you get to a person, not only do you begin to see THEM more clearly, but you are also forced to see YOURSELF more clearly as well.

And once this happens, the WRONG people for YOU start to self-sabotage the potential relationship because they KNOW deep down that they are either unworthy of you, or incompatible with you.

Once this occurs in the mind of a babe, her interest levels can start to plummet without warning. And her transformation from "Interested chick" to "Biscuit Chick" has begun.


Why do I call her a Biscuit Chick?


Because NOW she has become not only HOT, but FLAKY...





Peace...one day.

 

[synergy1]

D&B, you're 26. Re-fukkin-lax. No relationships, no monogamy for you until you're 30. That's 4 years from now and that's maybe with a girlfriend, not marriage. You, like too many other guys, need to pull your head out of this "I need a relationship" horsesh!t. It never ceases to amaze me how eager otherwise fiercely independent guys are to put on the handcuffs of a "relationship" in their mid 20s right when they ought to be learning and growing in way that only the freedom of being single will allow.

Relax. Spin more plates. We only chase what runs away from us. When you do get to some semblance of your idealized relationship, you'll wish you'd have done more while single.

as much as I hate to say it, the whole idea of having to be in a relationship is a byproduct of what we see around us. When you see all your friends in long term committed relationships, no matter how ****ty, you begin to view yourself as a black sheep. Of all my friends, aside from the 31 year old virgin who cant talk to girls, I am the only one who is not in a relationship. Regardless, that makes one wonder...

I work 40 hours a week like the next guy, and work is not an option to meet women for obvious reasons. I commute 1.5 hours a day, and work out when I get home , leaving little time and energy to devote to looking for more plates to spin. on weekends, I try my best to get out, meet new people. its not an excuse, its just the way it is.

 

[newbie81]

as much as I hate to say it, the whole idea of having to be in a relationship is a byproduct of what we see around us. When you see all your friends in long term committed relationships, no matter how ****ty, you begin to view yourself as a black sheep. Of all my friends, aside from the 31 year old virgin who cant talk to girls, I am the only one who is not in a relationship. Regardless, that makes one wonder...

I work 40 hours a week like the next guy, and work is not an option to meet women for obvious reasons. I commute 1.5 hours a day, and work out when I get home , leaving little time and energy to devote to looking for more plates to spin. on weekends, I try my best to get out, meet new people. its not an excuse, its just the way it is.

The symptoms are not the problem, the causes are.

In your context, a woman is the solution. You have to get out of your context of friends in a relationship:
*Seek new friends who are not in a relationship (yes they exist)
*Get busy: improve your work situation: promotion, new job, side business,... (use the 1.5hours a day you commute!)

Achieving these two goals, will take up some months. Once you have it done, women will be easier:
*You have your mind elsewhere (friends & work), you don't pay attention to women, they will come to you
*You have good friends to do things with: no more "I'm bored", no more going to the resto single with a couple,...
*If your work has improved by then, you can get even more busy by looking into money & investement. Do more sports. Study, apply.

Maybe its not an excuse, and it the way it is. But with persistence you will achieve anything you want. If you think at seeking new friends all day long: you will find them. Law of attraction.

-Good Luck.

 

[synergy1]

The symptoms are not the problem, the causes are.

In your context, a woman is the solution. You have to get out of your context of friends in a relationship:
*Seek new friends who are not in a relationship (yes they exist)
*Get busy: improve your work situation: promotion, new job, side business,... (use the 1.5hours a day you commute!)

Achieving these two goals, will take up some months. Once you have it done, women will be easier:
*You have your mind elsewhere (friends & work), you don't pay attention to women, they will come to you
*You have good friends to do things with: no more "I'm bored", no more going to the resto single with a couple,...
*If your work has improved by then, you can get even more busy by looking into money & investement. Do more sports. Study, apply.

Maybe its not an excuse, and it the way it is. But with persistence you will achieve anything you want. If you think at seeking new friends all day long: you will find them. Law of attraction.

-Good Luck.

The point of my post is that often when your subjected to a norm, one is likely to try to percolate to that norm. This board is a good example of just this.

in my line of work, women do not happen to come to you by chance. I will not meet women if I do not put at least a semi-conscious effort into it. Its just part of life for someone in my field. I can be career focused, sport focused and girls will not just happen to fall into my lap. again, I want to emphasize this is not a pessimistic outlook...its just the facts.

 

[newbie81]

The point of my post is that often when your subjected to a norm, one is likely to try to percolate to that norm. This board is a good example of just this.

Again: in your context a woman is the solution. You wrote it yourself: "the whole idea of having to be in a relationship is a byproduct of what we see around us". Change the norm you are subject too.

in my line of work, women do not happen to come to you by chance. I will not meet women if I do not put at least a semi-conscious effort into it. Its just part of life for someone in my field. I can be career focused, sport focused and girls will not just happen to fall into my lap. again, I want to emphasize this is not a pessimistic outlook...its just the facts.

No it aren't facts. It's your opinion, a pessimistic opinion. If you think women will not just happen to fallin into your lap: you are right they won't.

I prefer to think that they will, and they do.

-Good Luck.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I work 40 hours a week like the next guy, and work is not an option to meet women for obvious reasons. I commute 1.5 hours a day, and work out when I get home , leaving little time and energy to devote to looking for more plates to spin. on weekends, I try my best to get out, meet new people. its not an excuse, its just the way it is.

Now take your present conditions and add to them all of the expectations, responsibilities, accountabilities and liabilities that being in a "committed relationship" entail and tell me if you're not on the better end of this.

I do exactly the same thing. I work about 50 hours a week, commute about 1.5 hours, I'm in the gym for an hour a day. I could run down a laundry list of responsibilities I have to myself, my wife and my daughter in just the time I have from Friday evening to Sunday night when I sleep. I would LOVE to have the leisure to explore things I could if I weren't in a committed realtionship. The difference is that I know what's on the other side of the committed relationship equation - and this is coming from a guy who's been married 10 years in a good marriage. You have options that simply aren't available to your friends in their LTRs and relative misery always loves company - an so does complacency.

I envy you. You have a very valuable commodity that I and your LTR friends covet - time of your own.

 

[synergy1]

Again: in your context a woman is the solution. You wrote it yourself: "the whole idea of having to be in a relationship is a byproduct of what we see around us". Change the norm you are subject too.



No it aren't facts. It's your opinion, a pessimistic opinion. If you think women will not just happen to fallin into your lap: you are right they won't.

I prefer to think that they will, and they do.

-Good Luck.

again, sometimes I can come off, almost equivocally, as pessimistic, when I prefer to consider it just a fact. I don't like to wait for things to happen to me in anything I do. When I play sports, I represent my team and lead by example; working hard, taking initiative, and winning. When I go to the gym, i am always trying to bring friends along so they don't have to "wait until they feel like getting that membership". Maybe its part of my nature, but I like to make things happen.

could this be the wrong attitude to have towards the dating world? maybe. I feel so focused on everything in life I like, I tend to think of my initiative as a positive thing.

I envy you. You have a very valuable commodity that I and your LTR friends covet - time of your own.

I like where I am in life. No debt, two excellent degrees, a job, a good number of great friends. I am active in sports, work out, and am never ill. The sort of perfection that has driven me to excel in all of these aspects in my life continue to influence me in trying to always get up to the plate, and have some fun in the dating world. I have used enough time on my own to develop who I am, and would like to change that a little.

I will say that reading your posts in particular, I am amazed at just how together you have it. I could only hope to be like that in life. I know very few people like this , which is saying a lot ....I know a lot of people.