The height issue / self limiting belief

[NYCSilverBullet]

Hey guys, I am new on this board. I have a HUGE self limiting belief that prevents me from talking to women in a social situation.

I am 5'3. I have heard tons of women say they like "tall dark and handsome".
I have heard some women 5'7 ish say they like men taller than them.

I have seen beautiful women walking around with men who are shorter (or around my height). So I know it is possible. I am comfortable in my skin. I am better than average in my career, and I thrive on career challenges. So I am a go-getter. I have dated women who are taller, and I am comfortable with taller women. But socially, I am paralyzed when it comes to saying hi to a woman (at a bookstore or coffeeshop) because of this belief.

My obstacle is, once a woman says "you are too short for me", how do I respond back to her (a witty response or something of that sort) ? In the past, my body language has been of a wuss and timid guy, after the woman says I am too short for her.

I want to change that way to reaction. How can I go about doing that? How would an alpha male respond?

 

[thecurtainfalls]

Hey NYCSilverBullet, this topic has been discussed a bit on here, but I'll toss my two cents into the ring because this topic is close to home for me.

I'm not quite as short as you at 5'6 and a half, but I face many of the same challenges.

First of all, you mentioned that you've seen attractive girls with short guys, and even with guys that are shorter than them. This is good, because a lot of short guys on here refuse to accept that this is even possible. It is very possible. I consider myself a short guy and I have dated some very attractive women, including one who was 5'8". I prefer women that are my height or shorter, but that's neither here nor there.

Your post has really two separate questions:

1) How can I stop my limiting beliefs about myself from tangibly affecting my approaches

and

2) How do I save face/come back with a quick reply when faced with the "too short" rejection


I'm going to tackle these backwards, because question #2 is the easiest to answer. If you've already been rejected by a woman, and it's a REAL rejection, not a sh!t test or her just busting your balls, my advice is just to EJECT. If you try to come up with some retort or get testy, you're going to just play into her perception of the "Napoleon complex" and dig yourself a deeper and deeper hole.

Side note about the "Napoleon complex" - this is a non-existent and even historically inaccurate concept. First of all, the legend about Napoleon's height originated because of the confusion regarding converting between French and English feet/inches. Napoleon was about my height, 5'6"... the AVERAGE height for a 19th century French male. Look it up. 5'6" is not tall by any means, but hardly the sub-5 foot tall caricature he is often portrayed as.

Additionally, tall people or people around average height love to throw around the idea that we have this "complex", but really what they've done is created an inescapable quandary - we are automatically labeled as "try hard" or "compensating" for many things we do, simply because of our height. Whereas average men doing the same things wouldn't hear anything about it. It's often pointed out that Napoleon and Hitler were short, but nobody talks about any of the other dictatorial pieces of sh!t who were tall as hell. But I digress.


The real meat of your question has to do with the negative feedback you are giving yourself in the field. This has to stop now. I'm as guilty as anyone of mentally beating myself up after the fact, which I need to get better at, but I certainly would never allow these limiting thoughts to enter my mind while in the field.

You need to work on consciously re-writing the mental "dialogue" that you have with yourself on a day to day basis. You are faced with something you cannot change - you are 5'3". This fact is GOING to make dating more challenging for you than for other guys. HOWEVER, you already know it is not challenging to the point of being impossible. So with this in mind, resign yourself to the fact that occasionally a dumb b!tch will insult your height when you try to pick her up. Occasionally you will meet a girl that really is into your facial features and/or personality, but can't deal with dating a shorter guy. Who cares? It's not your job to make everyone like you.

Read that again: it's not your job to make everyone like you.

I can tell from your post that you are a reasonably smart, successful guy. You already know you have a lot of worth. Do not waste any more of your valuable time allowing yourself and your potential to be LIMITED by your incorrect, negative beliefs about your height.

Some guys have huge ears, or acne, or are 6'10", or have a handicap, or whatever. Everyone has their own personal shortcomings (no pun intended), but you simply cannot accept that excuse. Life is yours for the taking.

Start by telling yourself that you no longer care about even the worst-case-scenario of asking a taller woman out. Because you shouldn't, man. Rejection is always better than regret.

Search for squirrels' post on the "mirror test", you may find that helpful as well.

One last piece of practical advice - you may want to try a dating site that lets you filter your search by height. You will get mixed views on this but I have had great success with online dating. Not only are girls expecting to be "approached" because you're all there for the same reason, but you can be a little more selective in the type of girl you're looking for.

Good luck bud, you'll do fine in the end, I'm sure.

 

[Energizer]

I'm 5ft 7in and have never encountered problems with my height. Taller women have been attracted to me and I have never given my height much thought. Why obsess over something out of your control? Some women like tall men, some women like men who are the same height and some women like shorter men. It depends on the woman.

 

[Captain]

I am 5'3. I have heard tons of women say they like "tall dark and handsome".
I have heard some women 5'7 ish say they like men taller than them.

It's true, and it makes total sense. Yes, you can get women even if you are short, but being tall is a major help (both to your mental state and in the preference of the woman.)

But socially, I am paralyzed when it comes to saying hi to a woman (at a bookstore or coffeeshop) because of this belief.

Approach anxiety. To get over it, just get out there an relentlessly approach women. Don't even think about your shortness, abide by the 3 second rule. Within 3 seconds of seeing a woman you'd like to meet, approach her. Waiting any longer and you'll start thinking "what if I'm too short for her?" Just approach. Practice makes perfect.

My obstacle is, once a woman says "you are too short for me", how do I respond back to her (a witty response or something of that sort) ?

I'm 5"9', and I've had women tell me I'm short. Thing is, in each of these situations it's been 1 on 1, things have been going well in the interaction, and she's been VERY interested in me.

In the past, my body language has been of a wuss and timid guy, after the woman says I am too short for her.

You need to fix this. Just go out and approach. Work on your body language, good posture, etc.

I want to change that way to reaction. How can I go about doing that? How would an alpha male respond?

"Well that's convenient, you're too tall for me". Something along those lines. Don't try to qualify yourself to her, don't make excuses for being short, don't try to hint that you make up for it in other ways. Remember you are the MAN, act as if she is the one who should be trying to win YOU over.

 

[thecurtainfalls]

I'm 5"9', and I've had women tell me I'm short. Thing is, in each of these situations it's been 1 on 1, things have been going well in the interaction, and she's been VERY interested in me.

Bingo, this is why I mentioned in my post that you should make sure this isn't a sh!t test or just a ball-busting girl, because I get teased about my height all the time... by girls who I've fvcked.

 

[NYCSilverBullet]

Hey guys... thanks VERY much for your advice. I have gained info from everyones responses here. I really appreciate it.

Engerizer: I would kill to be 5'7. Thats like someone who's net worth is $50million and they lose $10,000 versus someone

whose net worth is $100,000 and they lose $10,000. There's a BIG difference between 5'3 and 5'7

Here is a story that actually happened to me.

At work.. small room (around 6 guys including myself and 1 fairly hot girl... I know work women are off limits).

The girl asks me "hey... how tall are you?" (her vocal tone was innocent... not like she was trying to make me feel bad).
(ALL the guys dropped what they were doing, and looked at me)
I said 5'2 (conservative).
Her response: Wow.. thats short.
My reply... "not really.... the average girl is about 5'7 ish or 5'8ish.... when I stand face to face with a 5'7 girl wearing

heels... do you know where my face ends up on her anatomy?"
Everyone giggles or laughs.

See how I pulled out a positive reaction from what was (a somewhat) negative question? If I would have responded with "well... how much do you weigh"?, that would have come out as being mean and that I have a chip on my shoulder.

But what I am aiming for, (when questioned in such a manner) how do I come away from it without looking like "ouu you touched

a button"

Question for thecurtainfalls.. how do I make sure if this is a sh!t test or not?

Also... "a dumb b!tch will insult your height when you try to pick her up. Occasionally you will meet a girl that really is into your facial features and/or personality, but can't deal with dating a shorter guy. Who cares? It's not your job to make everyone like you."
I could not agree with you more. However, if I do run into such a woman, I HAVE to respond before I walk away, right (not respond in a negative manner... but a response that indicates that hey... I got no problem with being short). I mean she comments about my height, and I can't just turn around and walk away?

I hope I am getting my point across.

Thanks again to everyone who replied.

SB

 

[NYCSilverBullet]

Hey guys... thanks VERY much for your advice. I have gained info from everyones responses here. I really appreciate it.

Engerizer: I would kill to be 5'7. Thats like someone who's net worth is $50million and they lose $10,000 versus someone whose net worth is $100,000 and they lose $10,000. There's a BIG difference between 5'3 and 5'7

Here is a story that actually happened to me.

Long time ago at work.. small room (around 6 guys including myself and 1 fairly hot girl... I know work women are off limits).

The girl asks me "hey... how tall are you?" (her vocal tone was innocent... not like she was trying to make me feel bad).
(ALL the guys dropped what they were doing, and looked at me)
I said 5'2 (conservative).
Her response: Wow.. thats short.
My reply... "not really.... the average girl is about 5'7 ish or 5'8ish.... when I stand face to face with a 5'7 girl wearing heels... do you know where my face ends up on her anatomy?"

Everyone giggles or laughs.

See how I pulled out a positive reaction from what was (a somewhat) negative question? If I would have responded with "well... how much do you weigh"?, that would have come out as being mean and that I have a chip on my shoulder.

But what I am aiming for, (when questioned in such a manner) how do I come away from it without looking like "ouu you touched a button"

Question for thecurtainfalls.. how do I make sure if this is a sh!t test or not?
And if it is a sh!t test, how do I respond?

Also... "a dumb b!tch will insult your height when you try to pick her up. Occasionally you will meet a girl that really is into your facial features and/or personality, but can't deal with dating a shorter guy. Who cares? It's not your job to make everyone like you."
I could not agree with you more. However, if I do run into such a woman, I HAVE to respond before I walk away, right (not respond in a negative manner... but a response that indicates that hey... I got no problem with being short). I mean she comments about my height, and I can't just turn around and walk away?

I hope I am getting my point across.

Thanks again to everyone who replied.

SB

 

[thecurtainfalls]

Hey man, couple of things before I get to your questions:

First of all, I really like how you handled that situation, but here's a couple things I personally would have done differently - just as you said there's a difference between 5'3 and 5'7, there's a difference between 5'2 and 5'3. You said you were being conservative in your answer, but there's no reason to be. Don't shortchange yourself any height in this situation - I'm not saying lie about your height, but just as you have different connotations in your head for different heights, so might she.

Additionally, according to recent studies, the average female height is 5'4" in the USA, not 5'7 or 5'8. In fact, 5'9" is the average male height.

To get more specifically to your question, there's not necessarily only one way to handle this type of situation.

To me, I use my gut to determine the girl's intentions. Usually you can tell if she's getting her jollies insulting your height; or conversely if she might think you're cute, and is testing your comfort in your own skin. Just go by the basic principles of IOIs and interest level. If you're getting good signs but she's talking about your height, she may just find it cute and wants to see how confident you are. You need to use your own personal barometer to tell if you're being disrespected or not. I'd say 99% of the time it's a sh!t test if you don't sense any malevolence or general b!tchiness from the girl.

For the other point, yea I guess you do have to say something. I would probably act surprised and say something like "Wow, how classy! Have a nice night!" and walk away. There is no reason to waste an extra second on someone who can openly demean another human being for something like height.

One last thing I wanted to add is that if you are in NYC like your name suggests, you have a slight edge as men in NY are shorter than the national average.

 

[ThatMysteriousGuy]

Dude, I have a good girl (friend) who is 6'2" and goes on and on about how she won't have anything to do with a man who is shorter than her yet I got to booty call her a lot and I'm "only" 6'0".

It's bullshait. She thinks she wants a taller man because it makes her feel like he can take care of things...ie: she feels safe. She married a man a while back who's 5'3 because he's confident and doesn't stress about how short he is compared to her. He takes charge in situations and keeps his composure (doesn't do the "i'm a friggin rabid chihuaua" bit)

They're both happy.

 

[flint]

Hey bud I know exactly how you feel, and I'll do you one better, I'm 5'0.

I find that the best way to deal with it is to actually just joke about it. Your reply about your height and proximity to boobs is textbook something I would joke about. Another thing I like to do is if a chick says something about tall dark and handsome, or something like that, I'll step up to her with my hands out and be like "Yo what are you trying to say, only tall people are cool? You wanna take this outside?" and have a large smile on my face so she knows I'm messing with her (it's got to be obvious you're messing).

Another thing I'll do is if she makes mention to it I'll be like "wait, I'm short? Are you serious?" and then act like I'm freaking out.

I mean there's tons of ways to do it, the one thing you CAN'T DO is start to think about how you're the shortest guy in the room something. It kills your game, and straight up if you're good with people and know how to be clever and funny you can outdo any tall guys. Once you get to a point where it becomes numb when you see yourself in the mirror and notice your height and stop thinking about it you'll see how little of a deal it is.

 

[MamboMan]

Key is confidence ! I have a cousin who is 5'3 and was cop - if you can believe it...He has always had girls - he is a natural, he is an extrovert, full of confidence and it shows. So the best thing is - as hard as it may seem is work on your inner game and confidence.

 

[lokariototal]

fvck that thing about height AND REMEMBER HISTORY. "IN OUR TIME, NO ONE HAS THE SLIGHTEST CONCEPTION OF WHAT IS GREAT, IT IS UP TO ME, TO GIVE THEM AN EXAMPLE" - NAPOLEON BONAPARTE. GHandhi was short too and he CHANGED the effing world. Alexander the GREAT the most brilliant military hero in the world who conquered almost the whole world, was short. View it like this: WHEN YOU SUCCEED, u will inspire people and show them that u can accomplish things, no matter what. They will be like WHAT? how the F did he do that! The hard things in life make us stronger. It is through difficulty that we become better. Don't think about height or muscles or superficial things, cuz u can't change that, but aspire to be the change u want in this sick world were such silly things as race or height matter in the first place! Show them what the TRUE meaning of greatness is. Saying that a MAN is inferior because of his height is as stupid as racism. Also, this society is stupid and superficial and IGNORANT (as napoleon said, they know nothing about greatness), don't take 'em seriously. BE THE HERO THAT THE WORLD NEEDS. BE REBELLIOUS, dont follow this society stupid standards, and put your OWN standards. The other advantage of being short is that, they won't expect how GREAT u are. Think about the ADVANTAGES of ur height! Another advantage is that, they will judge u wrongly. When Napoleon entered the army, nobody thought he was such a great military genius. They misjudged him. That's one of the reasons he kicked everybody else's azz. Girls are attracted to leaders and HEROES! Lead a life of PURPOSE! dont victimize urself anymore.
WATCH THIS VIDEO, IT WILL INSPIRE U like nothing else

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a293U_cyoFM

 

[lokariototal]

Also check this video, is a philosophy video about the hardships in life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pilLBcdSMI

"The harder a man's situation, the greater he will be when he succeeds" -me

(by the way, not only was napoleon short, he was also poor compared to his peers, immigrant, didn't know french, bullied in school, the list goes on..... and he still ROSE to become EMPEROR, that's why so many people respects him. If he would have been rich, tall, liked by everbody, i wouldn't respect him as much). Also, many girls that have been in love with me, were many many inches taller than me (i'm 5'3'' too)