The friend's ex?

[Findog]

Have a good friend of mine, I'll call him B. We've been buddies since sophomore year of college. Have known each other for about 14 years. He's married now without kids. His younger brother T I'm friends with as well, although I'm not as close to T as I am with B. Up until recently T was in a relationship with this girl.

About three months ago I met up with the two brothers and their respective wives/girlfriends for an evening on the town. T and his woman were bickering the whole time. I was relating a story that night about a bad breakup I had had, and T's girlfriend was giving me this whole "You're a great guy and if I weren't taken, I'd be all over you" routine. I don't know if she was being sincere or not, but I figured she was just trying to cheer me up and didn't think anything more of it. She texts me the next day and tells me that she and T had a huge fight and broke up. They went through a couple more breakup/makeup cycles before splitting up for good.

I hadn't seen or heard from her since Thanksgiving. Yesterday she texts me asking to see how I was doing. We texted back and forth for a while and she progressively became very, very flirty. My understanding is that T was the one that broke things off and his attitude towards her was "Eff that b****." They dated for approximately six months.

She's attractive and intelligent, but part of me wonders if she's really interested in me and just using me to make T jealous, and even if she is interested, if it's a good idea to pursue things with her. I'm not nearly as close to T as I am to his older brother B, but I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize my friendship with either. Should I give them a heads up and seek their blessing to pursue this? Part of my gut is telling me this is a bad idea.

 

[SecondHalf]

Have a good friend of mine, I'll call him B. We've been buddies since sophomore year of college. Have known each other for about 14 years. He's married now without kids. His younger brother T I'm friends with as well, although I'm not as close to T as I am with B. Up until recently T was in a relationship with this girl.

About three months ago I met up with the two brothers and their respective wives/girlfriends for an evening on the town. T and his woman were bickering the whole time. I was relating a story that night about a bad breakup I had had, and T's girlfriend was giving me this whole "You're a great guy and if I weren't taken, I'd be all over you" routine. I don't know if she was being sincere or not, but I figured she was just trying to cheer me up and didn't think anything more of it. She texts me the next day and tells me that she and T had a huge fight and broke up. They went through a couple more breakup/makeup cycles before splitting up for good.

I hadn't seen or heard from her since Thanksgiving. Yesterday she texts me asking to see how I was doing. We texted back and forth for a while and she progressively became very, very flirty. My understanding is that T was the one that broke things off and his attitude towards her was "Eff that b****." They dated for approximately six months.

She's attractive and intelligent, but part of me wonders if she's really interested in me and just using me to make T jealous, and even if she is interested, if it's a good idea to pursue things with her. I'm not nearly as close to T as I am to his older brother B, but I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize my friendship with either. Should I give them a heads up and seek their blessing to pursue this? Part of my gut is telling me this is a bad idea.

Don't touch this one.
Chicks come and go (and they do), but true friends are a rarity. Seldom (except in Hollywood) will a friendship survive this.
Odds are the woman wants to stick a knife in T's back.
Even if she doesn't, is it worth the risk?

I fell into a similar situation once when I was young and extremely horny.
It's been on my top 5 regrets of life.
Don't believe what the woman says, or what T says, the chance of this being a bad thing is too great!

My two cents!

SH

 

[Findog]

Don't touch this one.
Chicks come and go (and they do), but true friends are a rarity. Seldom (except in Hollywood) will a friendship survive this.
Odds are the woman wants to stick a knife in T's back.
Even if she doesn't, is it worth the risk?

I fell into a similar situation once when I was young and extremely horny.
It's been on my top 5 regrets of life.
Don't believe what the woman says, or what T says, the chance of this being a bad thing is too great!

My two cents!

SH

That's pretty much what I was thinking. I have a couple other plates I'm spinning right now. I'm not that hard up for female attention at the moment.

 

[PokerStar]

there are many women out there who are not directly linked to circle of friends drama.

your gut is usually right so if you want to pursue do it at arms length.

i dont know if asking for their blessing is a good idea. your friends might turn their backs on you to even entertain the idea of banging or even dating this girl.

 

[Findog]

there are many women out there who are not directly linked to circle of friends drama.

your gut is usually right so if you want to pursue do it at arms length.

i dont know if asking for their blessing is a good idea. your friends might turn their backs on you to even entertain the idea of banging or even dating this girl.

You're right. I'll just take it as a confidence boost that this woman is expressing interest, even though she's probably looking to hurt T...and I won't be a party to that.

I think I will tell them what happened, without the "asking for the blessing" part, so a version of the story doesn't get back to them that had me as a willing participant.

 

[PokerStar]

now you are thinking straight mr. findog.

 

[backbreaker]

I remember one chick my old best friend had, he was dating, we were at my house playing cards one night, everyone left, and about 30 minutes later I get a knock on my door and she comes back to my place.. alone. she was cute as hell too. told her though while she was pretty that just wasn't going to happen, that was that.

on the other hand, i had a girl I messed around with, nothing serious at all. After she gets mad that i would not settle down with her she stops calling me. few months later I am in the car with my friend we are goign to the horse track and he ran into the gas station, his phone rings, it's her number. dude didn't even bother telling me. I mean I really didn't care, but still. I lost alot of respect for him that day.

 

[sodbuster]

Talk to him, maybe he'd be OK with a revenge f&ck from you in the form of a pump and dump...while she thinks she's using you to make him jealous. Of course, women think nothing of stealing a friends BF.

 

[speed dawg]

Real friends are judged in situations exactly like this. Even if he doesn't care about her, leave it alone. Just leave it alone. I too have a BIG regret from back in college. Lost a really good friend over a chick, and I was the bad one. Not many days go by that I don't wish I could go back and change my behavior.

Like Backbreaker said, it's about the respect. Everyone must earn their own respect in different ways, however, you'll never earn a lick if you don't give respect to others.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear FinDog,
Could be a choice between losing your friendship with him and getting her in the sack....I was in your friends position a long time ago,my mate hooked onto a Bird I was hanging out of....We were getting bored with each other and I certainly felt it was time to cast her adrift....Never the less, I never forgave him.....As a matter of interest,he fell out of favour with the group we were part of for the obvious reason that,nobody trusted him,when their Lady was around.

 

[AW1983]

Real friends are judged in situations exactly like this. Even if he doesn't care about her, leave it alone. Just leave it alone. I too have a BIG regret from back in college. Lost a really good friend over a chick, and I was the bad one. Not many days go by that I don't wish I could go back and change my behavior.

Yes. I went through this once as well...never again. In my naivety I figured it was cool since they were done with. Evidently feelings were still there. It eventually resulted in violence and all kinds of shenanigans. Not worth it (but I will say she was a *damn* good lay!)

 

[Kohinoor1]

bros before hoes.

 

[sodbuster]

It all depends... I have an ex wife that I'd give you her number[and tell you" you'll be sooooooooorrrry"] Fair number of ex girlfriends the same.But I guess we are talking about the average man,who can't let go.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Findog,

Whenever you're faced with making a decision on whether or not to sacrifice your friendships, your career, your reputation, or ANYTHING ELSE that you already value in exchange just to have sex with a random girl-----------you should always ask yourself THIS question:

"Is HER'S a "special" vagina???


And...YES. She is attempting to use you as a bayonet to stab that other guy through the heart. As everyone here knows, most women who are even marginally attractive have at least 2 or 3 guys on standby waiting in the wings for their big chance on stage. As great a guy as you may be------it's highly unlikely that she would so aggressively provide an opportunity for YOU if it weren't for your usefulness as a WEAPON she could use to cause pain to your friend.

And one more thing to be aware of is this:

Most guys, even guys who claim to be all "alpha" (whatever the fukk THAT means this particular day of the week) will shrink away, bytch and cry like wounded little puppy dogs if they find out that their "friend" had sex with their ex---------despite whatever they might tell you to project a "I don't really give-a-shyt", macho image.

 

[Findog]

Thanks for the input guys. I am not going to touch this one. I have two better plates than her I'm spinning at the moment. She's definitely not worth risking the loss of two friendships that are both over a decade old.

 

[backbreaker]

not only that... unless, one of your friends, is just seriously that much more of a catch than you are, even the vast majority of women know that friends are off limits.

the only women who try to talk to friends after the break up are unstable emotional women who want to get back at someone and stir **** up. regardless of how intelligent or attractive she is that is not normal women behavior from my experience.

It's like normal people, you date a guy or a girl, and their fiends, just.. you don't look at them like that anymore. I never wanted to F one of my friends Girls, at least when I got older lol, because I just didn't see them like that anymore. they were more like my sisters. if i saw one of my friends girls from HS today i still couldn't see them "like that". i can't fvck my best friends girl that's some sick ****. to me that's tantamount to fvcking my cousin or something.

 

[Findog]

Update: She texted me on my birthday on 2/3 wishing me happy birthday. I kept it short and cut the exchange off pretty quick. She texts me last Friday and says hi and I completely ignored her.

Yesterday she texts me inviting me to the symphony. So I text her back and say "You're coming across in a very flirty and suggestive way, and I don't think it's appropriate to get involved with a friend's ex. I've known B for 14 years and I'm not going to do anything to jeopardize my friendship with him or T. If you want to just go as friends, I'd be happy to go with you. But I don't want to do anything more than that." She said she was cool with that.

Then I emailed B and told him what was going on. He replies back this morning:

"Thanks for letting me know.

This is not the first time that (my brother's ex) has gone after a friend of ours. That very same night that we met at ______ to watch the game she tried to kiss (another mutual friend). As of late she's been trying to get my wife to hang out with her.

I'm not sure what her agenda is so be careful. I don't want you to become her pawn, and don't let her make her problems yours. I have a sneaking suspicion that her recent behavior is designed at least in some way to make my brother jealous.

She's nice enough, but watch out.
Have fun at the symphony."

Now I know for sure that she is not genuinely interested in me, since she tried to kiss another guy when she was involved with T. Not a high-quality woman.

 

[speed dawg]

Are you brain dead? Don't go to the symphony with this chick.

 

[Findog]

Are you brain dead? Don't go to the symphony with this chick.

I'm not gonna do anything physical with her. Why would I try to get romantically involved with somebody that has no feelings for me whatsoever and is only trying to hurt my friend?

Here is what is going to happen if she tries to make a physical move on me: I'll shut her down, then she'll get pissed and then have no more use for me since she knows she can't use me to hurt T.

 

[AW1983]

Are you brain dead? Don't go to the symphony with this chick.

That was my first thought too. You can't play both sides on this one man. Cancel that symphony date asap and you will gain both your friend's respect, especially after that email. Why would you want to waste time with some crazy broad who you thought about banging but now can't, anyway?