the Filtering Process that keeps good people out of your life

[Luthor Rex]

There has been quite some debate about “quality women” and morals on this board lately. While this thread doesn't directly address either of these things, both are involved in what I'm about to talk about.

From my personal experience, and I believe we've all seen this in action, there is a filtering process at work in human relationships. This filtering process is something we all unconsciously do and it leads people who are similar to end up together.

When we were young, we broke ourselves up by what interested us. The boys who played sports, the boys who played video games, the boys who did art, etc. I'm sure most of you remember the time in your lives when this happened. This is an easy example of the filtering process we all do.

As we get older the same thing happens in our lives, but the filtering process becomes more complex. We can look at the adult version of the childish game when people split up not by favorite sports team but rather by political orientation.

The same filtering also happens in our more personal relationships. People with a strong sense of self-preservation will stay away from those people who are abusive of exploitive. A person with high self-esteem will find those who have self-loathing to be disgusting and stay away from those people. Those who are altruistic will choose to spend their time with other altruistic people, and do their best to stay away from those who are destructively selfish.

Sometimes the filtering isn't perfect, and sometimes the best we can do is push “bad” people to the margins of our lives.

Typically these things seems to happen sub-consciously. Probably we don't notice this because we aren't kids anymore who split our lives up in easily obvious ways such as sports / nerds / art-kids.

Over the yeas, when I look back, I can see how I both consciously and unconsciously filtered out people who I was incompatible with. When I had low self-esteem I ran screaming from people who had high self-esteem and wanted to get to know me better. When I got over that, I found the high self-esteem people much more pleasant to deal with than the low self-esteem ones.

When it comes to relationships I tend to be a “giver”, and I will consciously check to see if I think the woman is also a giver. If she's not, then she doesn't need to be in my life. If a crisis comes up I'll do my best to support the girl. But if I find she won't do the same for me, then she needs to be gone.

I'm going to call Victory Unlimited out on this from one of his own experiences:

while I was dating them both, I was involved in a car wreck that completed totalled my car------but I thankfully emerged unharmed. In an effort to keep things "light and funny" between myself and both girls, I told neither of them that I was in an accident earlier that week.

So on Friday, Shannon came over and we went to the movies. As we approached my rental car, she asked me what was up. Where was my car? What happened? So I told her. Her response was:

"Well, I'm glad you've got good car insurance. Now you can get a another car."

Then we went on to the theater where I paid for our tickets and she opted to buy her some snacks at the concession counter WITHOUT offering to buy MY black ass ****. As an afterthought, she offered me some of her nachos during the movie. I declined.

Then on Saturday, Kara came over and we decided to go get something to eat. So when me and her walked to my rental car, she asked me the same questions about what happened-----and where was MY car. So I told her about the accident I had earlier that week as we drove to the restaurant. During all of the ride, and up to halfway through the meal, she was quiet as hell. And on top of that she looked sad. So I asked her what was wrong. And this is what she said:

"You know, it really hurt my feelings that you had almost gotten killed in an accident and didn't even think to tell me about it to just now."

Afterwards, she went on to pay for the meal (to save ME money), and give me a back massage without me asking for one. I graciously accepted her kind gestures, of course. It occurred to me at that moment that what I had meant to be a means of not bringing any negativity into a light and casual situation (by NOT bringing up my accident to either woman)-----Shannon interpreted as NO BIG DEAL, while Kara interpreted it as a disrespectful SMACK IN THE FACE.

The fact that Shannon reacted the way she did put me off towards her. And the fact that Kara reacted the way that she did really touched me.

V.U. obviously has a healthy self-esteem and seems like the kind of guy who would be there when a friend or loved one was in trouble. When he was in this situation with these two women, what did he do? He gravitated towards the one more like himself and filtered out the other one. His unconscious mind repelled him from the 'taker' and attracted him to the 'giver'.

It should be no surprise to anyone that WOMEN ARE DOING THE SAME THING. The Navy girl above will filter out men in her life who do not reciprocate her own altruism. Because of her own selfish habits, Shannon, will find that altruistic men will not stay with her.

If there are no quality women in your life, it's because you have filtered them out and they have filtered you out. The longer this filtering process goes on, the fewer quality people you will find until eventually you'll believe that none exist at all.

So when you ask yourself “why are there no quality women in my life” the answer is “because you're an azzhole”.

 

[ketostix]

Luthor Rex, good post. I think you did a good job of explaining the filtering process and that it is a two-way street. The only thing I think is debatable is this part:

If there are no quality women in your life, it's because you have filtered them out and they have filtered you out. The longer this filtering process goes on, the fewer quality people you will find until eventually you'll believe that none exist at all.

So when you ask yourself “why are there no quality women in my life” the answer is “because you're an azzhole”.

I think the test for this is if you have a lot of women in your life and none of them are quality, then you probably are filtering for them and they are filtering for you. But it's debatable just how many quality women there are. Maybe all the non-quality women are filtering you out and you are filtering them out, leaving you with basically no women. So what do you do? You work with what's available and tangle with the non-quality women.

It's kind like my post where I said if I screened women for quality, I'd be screening out every woman available to me.

 

[Interceptor]

It is often said that if a man cant find a 'quality' woman to be with him, its probably because he has nothing to offer a quality woman.


However, there are men who dont care about quality, they want quantity.

And there are also men who want lots of quality women, but will have a harder time with that because of the womens values.

And there are men who say that there is no such thing as a 'quality' woman, they're all immoral wh ores.


Hopefully, everyone will get to experience what really fulfills them.

 

[guru1000]

Awareness is 50% of the law.

Acting on that wisdom is the other half.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Troops!




Guru is correct.


According to the training I got, and according to the charts, graphs, and schematics that I've seen laid out in the G.I. JOE "War Room"...yes, it really is true:

Knowing IS Half the Battle!


But don't merely take MY word for it, just check out the PIE CHART....HERE. :yes:

 

[jophil28]

If there are no quality women in your life, it's because you have filtered them out and they have filtered you out.

Many times there are no quality woman around to filter out. I have had many tours when all I met were horny married women who pretended that they were not, AW's with a good game, bar chicks and middle aged brats who were looking to 'party again' after they got the $$ settlement.

A 'dry spell' (or many of them ) is part of life, gentlemen..

 

[jophil28]

Awareness is 50% of the law.

Acting on that wisdom is the other half.

Ultimately, this is the only "Law of Power" that you need.

 

[Vlad the Impaler]

while I was dating them both, I was involved in a car wreck that completed totalled my car------but I thankfully emerged unharmed. In an effort to keep things "light and funny" between myself and both girls, I told neither of them that I was in an accident earlier that week.

So on Friday, Shannon came over and we went to the movies. As we approached my rental car, she asked me what was up. Where was my car? What happened? So I told her. Her response was:

"Well, I'm glad you've got good car insurance. Now you can get a another car."

Then we went on to the theater where I paid for our tickets and she opted to buy her some snacks at the concession counter WITHOUT offering to buy MY black ass ****. As an afterthought, she offered me some of her nachos during the movie. I declined.

The question I have is from girl #1 Victory Unlimited dated.

I think I know a girl like this too.

What is her problem? Is she too self absorbed and selfish? Is she not that interested?

Why didn't she act sweet and caring like girl #2?

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo VLAD,


Girl #1 was a girl that was very self-absorbed. So that was a good call on your part. She was one of those very independent, slightly hardened women who was a self-starter in business. And she was a "cat lover" instead of a "dog lover". Believe it or not, even THAT can be factored into some females' personality traits sometimes.

There was even a difference between these two women sexually as well. Girl #1 was a girl who actually DIDN'T like forplay much. She would complain from time to time that I took "too long" on forplay, and that she prefered to get at it quicker. So I said "fine".

But here's the problem:

Whenever we did get at it "quicker", she was horny but dry as a desert (I'm slightly exaggerating here), but STILL won't to jump up and down on the pogo stick. During sex, she was very energetic, wild, and thrashing. Sex with her was mechanical to a certain extent. In a sense, she seem to treat sex as a means to an end. She seemed to want to rush to orgasm without enjoying the ride. And for the record...she always had trouble orgasming, even when she rode for HOURS at her request. Sometimes she would ride for so long that SHE would get tired of it----like she was working on a goddammed "climax project", rather than just enjoying sexual intercourse. She never seemed to really be able to relax.

Most times I felt like she was only trying to use me as a Dildo Commando, and not really connect with me during the act. Also, she was one of those "let's do it in pitchblack darkness" type babes too. What's worse she had the nerve to be selfish in bed too. She subscribed to the philosophy of "let's do 68----and I'll "owe" you one." :crackup:

But I never let her get away with that one though. Bottom line is that even sexually, this woman seemed more concerned with getting herself off than making sure the pleasure was mutual. In the end, I bear her no ill will. And I did think she was interested, but we just had different ideas on what constituted give and take in a burgeoning relationship.

Which brings me back to LUTHER REX's summation in his original post. You are correct that I gravitated more toward the woman who shared more of my ideologies on various things-------which was girl #2. And in my opinion, this is the essence of good, healthy relationships that could have what it takes to go long term------COMPATIBILITY.

My personal experience has been that although opposites DO attract, it's for a far SHORTER period of time than people who have attraction AND "core" compatibility.



Soldier on.

 

[Vlad the Impaler]

Yo VLAD,


Girl #1 was a girl that was very self-absorbed. So that was a good call on your part. She was one of those very independent, slightly hardened women who was a self-starter in business. And she was a "cat lover" instead of a "dog lover". Believe it or not, even THAT can be factored into some females' personality traits sometimes.

Interesting! This sounds like my girl too.

There was even a difference between these two women sexually as well. Girl #1 was a girl who actually DIDN'T like forplay much. She would complain from time to time that I took "too long" on forplay, and that she prefered to get at it quicker. So I said "fine".

This part doesn't sound like my girl. She is crazy in the sack and does whatever I want to please me. I have labeled her BPD because of her crazy past. She has feminist qualities too. I am messed up, because I have other plates who are sweet and nice but the BPD is in my dreams at night.

This is why they are dangerous but I'm not going to start another BPD rant. She is black and I never dated a black girl before but I want them now... I like her so much I am seeking out black girls. It's not just she is great in the sack, but I love her personality she is just fun to chill with and talk too almost like one of the guys. It's true once you go black you don't go back. I'm sure many other men have felt for her strongly too, especially her 2 ex husbands and 1 ex fiancee.

Once the BPD gets ahold there is no escape. You can find other girls, bang them all, but the BPD remains in your skull.

 

[Luthor Rex]

Luthor Rex, good post. I think you did a good job of explaining the filtering process and that it is a two-way street. The only thing I think is debatable is this part:



I think the test for this is if you have a lot of women in your life and none of them are quality, then you probably are filtering for them and they are filtering for you. But it's debatable just how many quality women there are. Maybe all the non-quality women are filtering you out and you are filtering them out, leaving you with basically no women. So what do you do? You work with what's available and tangle with the non-quality women.

It's kind like my post where I said if I screened women for quality, I'd be screening out every woman available to me.

I understand what you are saying: demographically there is no reason a decent person may not end up living around bad people. We can look at places around the world, like the Congo or the Third World and see that sometimes there really is little a person can do. But I wanted something more shocking for the ending... lol.

I don't agree with your solution though. Personally, I'm an introvert so spending long periods of time alone doesn't bother me, so I would rather go without than "make due with what's available". But each person's tolerance for things is different so maybe you can make it work.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

If there are no quality women in your life, it's because you have filtered them out and they have filtered you out. The longer this filtering process goes on, the fewer quality people you will find until eventually you'll believe that none exist at all.

So when you ask yourself “why are there no quality women in my life” the answer is “because you're an azzhole”.

Money Post.

It has been said many times (although this will likely be rejected by most here as being too new agey) that whatever you see around you is purely a reflection of your internal beliefs and your filters.

Even if you don't believe that's true, simply by acting as if is will motivate you to do a lot more to improve your situation, rather than throwing your hands up and blaming the world for your problems.

Believing you can change anything you want in life simply by re-adjusting your filters and improving your skills gives you incredible power and resiliency no matter what situation you are in. It might not happen overnight, but it will happen.

As soon as you place blame on your environment (e.g. no quality woman, poor economy) you're dead in the water, as you've tacitly accepted things the way they are, with no hope of changing them.

One of the cool things about having strong filters for quality people is that quality people will start finding you, instead of other way around.

Kind of like in sales, when you've got a good product, that you know you can sell, and you really qualify your prospects, they will start qualifying themselves, and pretty soon you'll have more prospect than you know what to do with.

A good reference is this book, while about sales, it applies very well to dating and filters.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

It's kind like my post where I said if I screened women for quality, I'd be screening out every woman available to me.

So if I only had a thousand dollars, and found that there were no quality cars I could afford, could I logically conclude that there are no quality cars?

The hard question you have to ask yourself is why aren't they available to you?

Do you see them with other guys? Do ALL guys believe there are no quality women? Are NO guys completely happy in their relationships?

 

[Luthor Rex]

Money Post.

It has been said many times (although this will likely be rejected by most here as being too new agey) that whatever you see around you is purely a reflection of your internal beliefs and your filters.

Thanks.

Like I said in my response to ketostix, I do realize that demographically a man may end up in a place where there are literally no quality women. At least in the Western world though, it's relatively easy for us to pick up and move or in some other way change the people we are exposed to.

So while I do recognize that yes, you may be the Jew trapped in Nazi Germany, the chances of that being true for someone on this board and the chances they can't change their situation in this day and age seem pretty low.

 

[iqqi]

Did VU post that here too, or did Luther copy and past from Nextlevelgame?

This is a great thread by the way.

 

[Luthor Rex]

Did VU post that here too, or did Luther copy and past from Nextlevelgame?

This is a great thread by the way.

I read both and the two get kinda blurry sometimes as to what is posted where by the same poster. So to answer your question: I'm not sure.

 

[Rogue]

The following quote is from a book review of Annals of Gullibility: Why We Get Duped and How to Avoid it by Stephen Greenspan, the review by Michael E. O’Reilly, published in Skeptic magazine:

One of the most interesting tidbits I took from this book involves a common misconception about degrees of trust among people. Conventional wisdom holds that those who are reluctant to trust others (low trust), have somehow been “burned” in the past, while people with high trust are more gullible, and have likely been sheltered, and/or never been betrayed. For Greenspan though, one’s concern about failure and betrayal is positioned a priori, rather than as the result of actual betrayals. “[P]eople low in trust, because of their fear of betrayal, avoid many interactions, thus limiting both their opportunity to learn as well as their opportunity to succeed.” Thus, if a person has little social experience and is not open to either taking the slightest emotional risk, or discovering new things about various topics, i.e. they are not curious, the person (who might be gullible, but also unsure about whom to distrust) most likely will not have put himself in many situations where he could have been burned, in the first place. Specifically, trust levels are determined by our “social intelligence.”

 

[ketostix]

So if I only had a thousand dollars, and found that there were no quality cars I could afford, could I logically conclude that there are no quality cars?

I believe this is a false analogy but I'll play along anyway. you could logically conclude that there are no quality cars worth the effort (price) to acquire one. My analogy would be more like, while I believe the painting Mona Lisa exists, not every guy can possess the painting.

The hard question you have to ask yourself is why aren't they available to you?

And unavailable to every other guy I personally know. There's lots of guys to ask that hard question. Am I suppose to conclude that all these guys are unworthy or that maybe there's just no quality girls available?

Do you see them with other guys? Do ALL guys believe there are no quality women? Are NO guys completely happy in their relationships?

No, I don't personally know any guys that have a quality girl and I've known many guys. I never said there were no quality women, but as far as what other guys believe makes no difference. Also I never said no guys were happy in their relationships, but you know some guys have the blinders on and are happy with any woman or relationship, so what difference does that make?

I know what you are trying to say that I'm not "good" enough for a quality woman and that reality is subjective and entirely perception. And I disagree and say you're wrong on both counts.

 

[Interceptor]

Keto, Im curious to know what you would think a 'good' "Quality" woman would want from you?
What do you think are her needs?

 

[ketostix]

Keto, Im curious to know what you would think a 'good' "Quality" woman would want from you?
What do you think are her needs?

You first.