The Confidence-Competence Loop: How to Build It If You Don’t “Naturally” Feel Confident First

[AsianPlayboy]

A lot of guys think, “I’ll approach her once I feel confident.” But here’s the deal: confidence isn’t just some feeling you can wait for—it’s the result of action. Studies show that acting, even when you don’t feel ready, is one of the best ways to build skill-based competence, which naturally produces confidence.

This is where the Confidence-Competence Loop (also known as the Conscious Competence Model) becomes a game-changer.

Each action you take, even if it’s imperfect, builds competence. And competence creates confidence. It’s a chicken-or-the-egg dilemma, but we know the answer—competence always comes first. Here’s a breakdown:

1. Unconscious Incompetence: You don’t know what you don’t know. At this stage, you’re unaware of what’s holding you back. For example, if you haven’t tried approaching someone in a meaningful way, you won’t yet recognize the areas where you can improve.
2. Conscious Incompetence: Now you start to see the gaps. Maybe you’ve tried talking to someone new and noticed that it doesn’t go smoothly. This realization can feel uncomfortable, but it’s actually a critical step. Studies show that awareness of skill gaps is a strong motivator for growth.
3. Conscious Competence: This is where practice kicks in. You’re trying new things, working on conversation skills, and taking action despite the discomfort. According to cognitive learning theory, consistent practice—even if it feels forced—strengthens the brain’s neural pathways, making these skills more natural.
4. Unconscious Competence: This is the confidence sweet spot. You’ve practiced enough that these skills now feel automatic. You can approach someone and start a conversation without thinking too hard about it. It flows naturally because you’ve trained your mind and body to handle it.

Research by psychologist Dr. Albert Bandura, a pioneer in self-efficacy theory, supports this: confidence grows through mastery experiences—practicing a skill until it becomes second nature. Bandura found that "successes build a robust belief in one’s personal efficacy," showing how the competence you gain through action ultimately fuels confidence.

Waiting for confidence to show up before acting is like waiting for an empty glass to fill itself. Every time you act, you’re building that skill bank, and confidence naturally follows.

If you’re ready to dive into how to make this loop work for you, check out my latest video.
The Biggest Lie About Confidence: Your Feelings Don’t Matter, Action Does

Confidence won’t magically arrive. Take action, build competence, and let confidence come as the reward.

 

[CornbreadFed]

Like the post, but I have to disagree. People are generally afraid to approach because they have a good idea of the calculated outcome and potential risk in their head. Approaching women at the grocery store for example has a good outcome chance of being rejected or humiliated outright. At best you might get a phone number or a cute compliment. In order to increase confidence, the guy should put himself in scenarios with better outcomes. For example, approaching a girl at a house party, networking event, run club, and etc is going to have much better outcomes than a grocery store, gym, and etc.

 

[Clockwerk50]

@MatureDJ

 

[AsianPlayboy]

Like the post, but I have to disagree. People are generally afraid to approach because they have a good idea of the calculated outcome and potential risk in their head. Approaching women at the grocery store for example has a good outcome chance of being rejected or humiliated outright. At best you might get a phone number or a cute compliment. In order to increase confidence, the guy should put himself in scenarios with better outcomes. For example, approaching a girl at a house party, networking event, run club, and etc is going to have much better outcomes than a grocery store, gym, and etc.

There’s definitely something to be said about choosing a setting where the odds of success feel more favorable, especially for beginners. You’re right that context matters, and yeah, if a guy is brand new to this, it makes sense to start in a lower-stakes environment like a social gathering where people are naturally more open to meeting others. But here’s the twist—relying solely on favorable scenarios can create a dependency on “perfect conditions,” which, in the long run, holds guys back.

Here’s why the Confidence-Competence Loop still applies across all environments, even “harder” ones like the grocery store or gym. The focus isn’t on getting a guaranteed positive response; it’s on taking action and building competence, regardless of the outcome. Real confidence grows not from controlling the environment but from being able to approach confidently anywhere because you’ve practiced enough to handle any response.

Think of it this way: if a guy only approaches in “safe” social settings, his confidence becomes situational. But if he pushes himself to try even in random environments—where he doesn’t know the outcome—he’s training himself to be okay with uncertainty. The more he takes action in different places, the better his approach skills, body language, and reactions become. And that’s the competence that drives confidence in any situation.

So yes, for a guy who’s brand new, a house party might be a smoother starting point. But I’d still encourage him to venture into those grocery stores and gyms to challenge himself. Every attempt, successful or not, builds that unshakeable confidence to handle anything.