That Moment Where I Finally Think I'm Cracking

[JooJooBean]

Okay, so pull me out of this one, if you will.

The single mommy of two finally said "she doesn't know what she wants" speech to me last week. And it devastated me. I didn't over-react. I just accepted it. But I shouldn't be devastated at all.

And so I'm having a sort of identity crisis. I look at it like this.

I took the bait because I was hungry. I also genuinely liked the girl. Our relationship was great. Then it became unfeasible (family, red flags everywhere, plus I can't possibly adapt and fix or settle any of it). And so she eventually just says "meh", being 22, and goes off to find greener pastures. Makes sense to me.

And yet, now I find myself just pissed off about life in general. Like I'm intensely dissatisfied and upset with myself. On one hand, I could have "done better" (not really), and kept her around. But even if I magically did that, I would have been helping raise two kids that aren't mine, dealing with a racist father, and a baby daddy that's still in the picture. Why am I upset about losing all of that?

In addition, I think I'm still in the anger stage of Red Pill. Like I've swallowed it, but then somewhat denied (considering I willfully LTR'd a single mommy with not one, but two by age 22), the pill. Then I get dropped like a hot potato, which I should have saw coming anyway, and now i'm unsure of what to do.

Then I go to the top game blogs and it's all the same. Be a ****. Bang slags. Here's how I run my harem. But that's not my identity at all. I cannot do that. It's not even for moral reasons. I don't want it.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that it's actually "hold your ground" and be masculine. But it seems everyone is just giving me the blue print for banging low quality women. Even if they're hot.

Granted, I could probably use some ***** at this point. I didn't realize just how badly I needed it until this last relationship. And now that I've lost that one without even getting a chance to fight for it, I'm just besides myself.

I've been reading again voraciously, but it's really just tearing my whole reality down. I'm falling apart, kinda. I have a job. I have passions that I work towards all the time. I work out. I'm not weak. I know my values.

And yet, when it comes to women, it's like I'm just staring at the darkness. My hobbies, my lifestyle... it doesn't run me into any prospects that I want. Then I find damaged goods that fit my personality and life style, but have already got issues I can't fix or keep long term (it always inevitably hits a breaking point).

What the **** am I doing?

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Jo Joh,
You are one lucky Guy!....so many Red Flags ....look Single Mummies are sweet on your terms,which is probably what the Ex decided too...You will find out this Girl has been taking you for a ride...

So if you were in this Country and you had lived with her for six months...you would have a date in The Family Law Court...would have to support her and the Kids,pay a hefty sum as well...probably not so bad in your State...but you have had a close escape,take it as a warning!

 

[Kailex]

The reason why you are upset is because:

#1 This just happened, so it's fresh and recent. You won't feel the same way in a few weeks.

#2 She dropped you before you could drop her. That's pretty much the main reason you are feeling this way.

You are probably comparing your life to hers and thinking, "How dare this woman with ALL of these faults, drop ME!" It's completely natural too. It almost makes you feel flawed, insecure and to a certain point brings down your self-esteem down a notch.

She's doing you a favor though. At 22 and with two kids already... hell being 22 is bad enough for a 31 year old to take seriously, and then you add 2 kids into the mix?

Right now you are feeling a bit down about this... like a low point, but trust me, you'll get over it and eventually realized she did you SUCH a huge favor that it won't even matter anymore. You get to feel like this for a day or two... but then get right back out there.

No one said you needed to have a harem or be a complete jerk. You don't need to betray your own values just because you want to get laid with low hanging fruit. No need to settle. The only reason you are feeling this way about women is because of this "woman". Just give it some time and all of this will fade and be a distant memory.

 

[Malcontent]

The young ones are tough to deal with. I got with a 19 y.o. when I was 32. I tried to maintain a relationship for 2 years. My mind has been scrambled by it. If I ever do have a LTR again, I'd like it to be with a young one, but I will never take a young chick seriously again unless she happens to be one of the rare ones that isn't a mind-fvck.

 

[JooJooBean]

Thanks for the advice, guys. This one has been going on for about 5 months.

After she simply waltzes off with the "don't know what I want, thanks for dinner though, bye" card, she then texts me out of the blue yesterday about meeting a "nice couple" that I was talking to her about two weeks ago. Said they asked about me, and then reveals their regulars, etc.

I guess I really wanted to hear that 8 days after she just walked out like I was yesterday's lunch meat. Of course, it ****s with my mind, because every impulse was to text something or anything back.

But I didn't. My one friend told me I was just burning bridges and being stupid. But why would I even respond? For what?

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

You'll get over it. Humans would haven't made 7 billion copies of themselves if sex (and everything that goes along with it) wasn't our primary concern, and didn't have the power to put a voodoo curse on our brains, no matter how many red pills you've swallowed.

It doesn't matter who you are, what your values or experiences are, when a woman gets under your skin, it's pretty much game over for all of your other concerns.

And when they leave, (before you want them to,) it fvcks with your head like nothing else ever will. Guaranteed. Nobody is immune, mostly especially clowns on the internets spewing worthless advice. (ahem...)

My advice is stay off blogs, stop reading and just get out and talk to people.

Not pick up or game, but just talk to as wide and diverse a group you can find. That will plug the hole more than anything else.

And for the love of sweet baby Jesus, go no contact with this honey once and for all. (and give social media a rest for a while).

Genuine, kind, REAL communication with your fellow humans is the the elixir that'll cure your ills.

 

[JooJooBean]

Yeah, its definitely ripping me apart, in spite of what i logically know. I suppose one misconception about the RP that I've ingrained in myself is that any relationship is just a flow chart. Act like this, do that, and you're fine.

This one was going really well. I saw once a week, at best, more if there was time. I texted a lot, admittedly, but it was with purpose. Never just lovey dovey. Then one day, drama ramped up in her life... and while i felt the thing waning, i gigured it would weather. But no, I walk into the "dont know what i want" syndrome.

Am i really that weak? Am i being yoo analytical? I suppose, after all the years, especially getting dropped like this, that i find it difficult to internally ser myself as the prize. She had no problem just walking out. A complete 180.

 

[Kailex]

You need to stop being SO hard on yourself. Consider this a learning experience. It happens even to the best of us at some point of our lives. Your job is to recognize the signs... in this case "drama ramped up in her life"...

Whatever that means, you now know the true indication of what that could mean.

You also need to internalize the fact that this is a situation you can EASILY walk away from. It's only been a few days... give it some time and you'll feel WAY better about it in retrospect.

All it means is that you need to work on yourself a little more. Look at what you are being so self-critical about. Was she really that high value to you? And that's the problem you are having... someone who is lower value decided to walk away and that's what you can't seem to wrap your head around right now. It necessarily doesn't even have to be anything you did. Women act on a whim, on emotion and they prefer the drama while we don't.

Just relax, take a day at a time, and fine tune yourself. You'll be fine.

 

[Greasy Pig]

What Kailex said plus NO CONTACT.
Cut this cancer from your life by not responding to any of the bait she throws out.
She's yesterday's news. Onward and upward now!

 

[JooJooBean]

Thanks for the support.

After reading all this, and having a little time to sit and reflect, I guess I really AM being too hard on myself. And that is my primary issue. I try. And for what?

I don't mean this in the nihilistic sense this time. Why am I trying? High value or low value girl, doesn't matter. I should try for myself, of course, but I guess that was my real issue. I try too hard.

Truth was... I had issues with her over a month ago. But I didn't raise my voice. I didn't complain. I just remained stoic about it. And as I think now, I have to wonder why I've ever been so "nice". With this recent ball dropping, I start to feel like being 'nice' really serves no purpose.

To be fair, I've toned my niceness down quite a bit from my younger years. But it looks like even that isn't enough. I just need to cut it from my vocab entirely. My idealistic "I can save everyone" mentality always undercuts me in the end. I'm beyond reproach... but also predictable and safe. I should just say what I'm actually thinking, and let the outcome lie.

Perhaps I'm so "crushed" because I've allowed myself to become invested in my own actions. Her leaving isn't the problem. No kids anymore, new girls to catch. But I've taken the Red Pill and turned myself into a robot. "Am I doing it right?" "Should I support or destroy this time?" I guess I should just assume "destroy" and just say what I actually want and feel.

Just assume she'll leave, and live my life as if she's not really there. Regardless of the girl. Who knows?

 

[Kailex]

The weight you carry on yourself isn't as heavy when you take the armor off.

Don't be anyone's white knight. Save yourself, not the woman you are trying to date.

Like I said, it's a learning process. You start to learn how to recognize the signs and the red flags. You learn when to eject. I've cut women short after a first date when years ago I would have tried to date them for weeks on end because I chose to ignore the signs.

Every lesson learned is a bullet dodged.

 

[The_411]

Yeah, its definitely ripping me apart, in spite of what i logically know. I suppose one misconception about the RP that I've ingrained in myself is that any relationship is just a flow chart. Act like this, do that, and you're fine.

This one was going really well. I saw once a week, at best, more if there was time. I texted a lot, admittedly, but it was with purpose. Never just lovey dovey. Then one day, drama ramped up in her life... and while i felt the thing waning, i gigured it would weather. But no, I walk into the "dont know what i want" syndrome.

Am i really that weak? Am i being yoo analytical? I suppose, after all the years, especially getting dropped like this, that i find it difficult to internally ser myself as the prize. She had no problem just walking out. A complete 180.

Except relationships are only a flow chart for men. For women they're like Choose your own adventure books. Sure they make sense if you follow them but if you cheat and try to read story lines that you didn't follow you wonder how did I get here.

 

[jonhaul]

There are chicks your age without kids and in their mid 20s. Much better prospects for you out there.

 

[Kailex]

Except relationships are only a flow chart for men. For women they're like Choose your own adventure books. Sure they make sense if you follow them but if you cheat and try to read story lines that you didn't follow you wonder how did I get here.

Sometimes women don't even follow the instructions in the "Choose Your Own Adventure" books either. It'll say turn to page 33, and they'll want to go to page 40 anyway.

 

[JooJooBean]

I've lost sight of what a good prospect is. I suppose I have focused entirely too much on personality and attraction. With this last, we had both in spades, bit logistically she was a nightmare. Met another girl last night that was clearly attracted at a yoga class. Sparked conversation. And then later on into it i learn she had a son, etc. This time, my switch just said no. Part of me said, "why not, just casual?"

But I'm not good for that. Maybe I'm just hamstering.

 

[Willard]

I've been dating a lot of single mom's lately, most of them have kids that are older in their teens with the father in their life, they had the kids every other weekend. Last week I met two online with younger kids, both of them cancelled plans at the last minute and wanted to reschedule, I deleted both numbers, I'm going to stick with the ones with older kids and a present father, I'm not looking to be a step father, I don't want to be involved with some one elses spawn.

I'll still date single moms, just not ones with young kids or an absent father.

 

[JooJooBean]

So the advice was right about just leaving the blog sites and everything else alone.

I managed to turn myself into a self-analytical machine. I think I just spent an inordinate amount of time tonight sitting there thinking "Where was my critical error? Did I do the sex wrong? Did I get too beta? Was I too nice then? But wait, things were great that day? Was it the logistics of seeing each other? Was it the family drama? When did she decide I wasn't worthy?"

Of course, I'll never get an answer to any of that. I just... wow, I don't handle rejection to well or something. Life's not over. But it looks like I still haven't overcome something as simple as oneitis.

Man, I'm still as AFC as the day is long. I'm finally going to sleep now.

 

[Kailex]

I think you are still looking at this the wrong way. You are being WAY too hard on yourself and all that is going to do is make you a lot harsher on yourself and a lot more subjectively self-aware whenever a woman decides she wants to go out with you.

You aren't going to truly figured out what happened. You think you might, but you could still be wrong. You need to identify the patterns.

First and foremost, stop trying to take single mothers so seriously.
Right now though, you sound like a mess and probably could benefit from having a summer alone and growing as a person. Go out, do new things. You live in a great state with lots of things available to you.

It's way better to spend your time productively than to sit there and try to figure out why she did any of this or how you let it go so far. And if you need help with the "why"... it's simple. She was a single mother. You took the bait. Game over.

Next time, stop that from happening and realize YOU have the control in a situation.