Telling a Woman that other women only remind you of her

[Being_the_Don]

When you know that a woman is becoming emotionally attached to you, saying how much she likes you; out of the blue says that she's thinking about you; sends you flowers (electronic); uses affectionate adjectives while talking to you ("honey", "baby") it's obvious that feelings are growing more intense. We've known each other for almost four months now. We started out as friends, I was interested in cultural exchange but she let me know immediately that she is attracted to me. (And no this is not the same woman who I mentioned on another thread).

The thing is this women doesn't live in the US but she wants to come here to see me. When the subject first came up that she wants to see me she said she wants me to visit here there. But I said that I want her to come here to me. And that since we both want it enough we can make it happen. Then one day she said that she wished I was there and asked me to wait a few years for her to come here. I then told her that since she has already said how much she wants to see me that she should come here because until that time she's just dreaming about me. I told her that if she comes I will help her. She will cover the expenses to get here and I will help her stay for a while. The woman is already finished with school and is working for a company. She has now taken on another job to save up money for it.

For a long time I've been push pull with her but I'm realizing that she matters more to me than I had thought she would. That's why we started talking about her coming to visit me. Even when I'm talking to other women face to face, going out, they don't measure up to her. She and I clicked, we like the same things, have the same goals. And the very first time we talked she said that she wished that I was where she lived because we'd meet up at the coffee shop the to just talk about cultural exchange questions I had. That's how I knew she was immediately attracted to me.

The thing is I haven't told her how much I like her, only that I do like her. She's asked me what I'm looking for in a relationship and if I have a girlfriend yet. I prefer to evade that last one as I do with women I'm talking to face to face. She says that she feels like she's always known me. The thing is she is independent and has tried to test me on the power thing. That is why I don't want to tip my hand. When she sends me roses, etc. sometimes I give her a cute and funny reply, other times I acknowledge it straight on. But don't want to tip my hand too much. Telling her that I'm starting to like her more than other women means showing her that softer side yet I want her but I don't want to appear needy.

Is it a good idea to tell her that I do think about her a lot? Would I be tipping my hand?

 

[Interceptor]

DO not BE AFRAID of 'Love'.

Everything you are doing here is because you are seeking to connect to this woman.

But you need o find that balance of keeping control, and your masculinity, and showing her the affection you have in your heart for her.


The truth is that in a relationship, both partners must 'tip their hand'
There should be no Power 'struggle'.

These are the good kinds of relationships and are not 'struggles'.

You can reveal more of yourself.

But do it from a position of strength.
Do it because you care for her.

Truthfully, if SHE feels that you are somehow appearing 'weak' for demonstrating your increasing affection for her, then SHE is the one with the problem, not you.

At some point, a man has to grow into himself and feel confident, that it doesnt' matter as much what the other person is perceiving, because you cant control their Perception Filters. Can you?
Strong men, who are confident in themselves, do what they feel is right at the time, with the resources that have NOW.
If an issue comes up, they deal with it then.
They dont hold back out of fear.
But out of wisdom, and reflection, and proper perspective. One that is mature, and healthy.

Dont do things out of fear.

Dont hold back out of fear.

If it doesnt work out, you are still a better man for having gone through this experience

Let her show you her affection for you , but dont collapse because of it.

Keep your strength, your personal power.
But out of shrewdness, for you and her.

She needs a man's strength, and that is Emotional Strength.

Eventually, if you hold back too much, she will begin to question the relationship.
And since people feel especially vulnerable in these stages, they tend to act out of fear, not strength.
For you, it will be holding too much back, for her, it will be prodding for more information, and.or seeking a reaction out of you.

Hold fast to the center.

Love is supposed to be good for us.

 

[Being_the_Don]

DO not BE AFRAID of 'Love'.

Everything you are doing here is because you are seeking to connect to this woman.

But you need o find that balance of keeping control, and your masculinity, and showing her the affection you have in your heart for her.


The truth is that in a relationship, both partners must 'tip their hand'
There should be no Power 'struggle'.

These are the good kinds of relationships and are not 'struggles'.

You can reveal more of yourself.

But do it from a position of strength.
Do it because you care for her.

Truthfully, if SHE feels that you are somehow appearing 'weak' for demonstrating your increasing affection for her, then SHE is the one with the problem, not you.

At some point, a man has to grow into himself and feel confident, that it doesnt' matter as much what the other person is perceiving, because you cant control their Perception Filters. Can you?
Strong men, who are confident in themselves, do what they feel is right at the time, with the resources that have NOW.
If an issue comes up, they deal with it then.
They dont hold back out of fear.
But out of wisdom, and reflection, and proper perspective. One that is mature, and healthy.

Dont do things out of fear.

Dont hold back out of fear.

If it doesnt work out, you are still a better man for having gone through this experience

Let her show you her affection for you , but dont collapse because of it.

Keep your strength, your personal power.
But out of shrewdness, for you and her.

She needs a man's strength, and that is Emotional Strength.

Eventually, if you hold back too much, she will begin to question the relationship.
And since people feel especially vulnerable in these stages, they tend to act out of fear, not strength.
For you, it will be holding too much back, for her, it will be prodding for more information, and.or seeking a reaction out of you.

Hold fast to the center.

Love is supposed to be good for us.

Thanks for the advice, you're right about that. She already says I have strong character which she definitely likes about me. I've expressed some of my feelings for her in the past but it's time to give her more of me.

 

[Enryu]

Its no good.
there is now this woman you know for 4 months and who is living in another country who really wants you bad and even pays for you to come to her....
She saves up money for you so that she can be near you.

You say you love her? Dont you know that love is something you can have for everyone?

I say forget her.

What do you expect when you see her? You are going to the nearest toilet because you cant wait to get a room to hit it off?
You two are getting married?

You actually want a woman who you never ever met just because she is attracted to you?

We all did that when we were AFC and there was actually someone to be attracted to us. We tend to get in love with her because we have no success with other women. Dont you think it will be much better to find someone out of your country in your environment so you can have the benefit of actually meeting her? So you get to know her, her friends, her parents, or if you two are even sexually compatible? (heh i just made that compatibility up )

You said that the sent you electronic flowers... well i can send you something better: :cheer: a cheerleader and im not from the US but please dont get in love with me

for your own good forget her and move on to a "real" girl in your town/blabla

But if you dont want to follow my advice lets see what would happen if you two would meet:
Lets say you two instantly fall in love and you two have the best 2 weeks you two can have. After those 2 weeks you got to go back to the US. Of course you cant get her to be with you because she is no US citizen and all.
Well you get really depressed because you want to meet her again but you cant. You have no money and even if you would have, you couldnt meet her for long.

 

[Mr. Me]

You never even met her. You're developing feelings based on not even having met the person, which means you're developing an attachment to your perception of her that may not be realistic. Don't overlook that by not being physically present with each other and experiencing events together in the flesh, you're effectively negating the very real impact of day-to-day actualities that certainly bear on any relationship, let alone the physical component of things. That includes the bad stuff - it's easy enough to be on one's best behavior when you're writing an email now and then or placing a phone call and romanticize things. So what you're experiencing isn't real; it's not a total package.

And to top it off, she lives out of the country, which makes dating her impossible and very impractical. She and you can't find anyone within your own countries to date?

 

[Being_the_Don]

Its no good.
there is now this woman you know for 4 months and who is living in another country who really wants you bad and even pays for you to come to her....
She saves up money for you so that she can be near you.

You say you love her? Dont you know that love is something you can have for everyone?

I say forget her.

What do you expect when you see her? You are going to the nearest toilet because you cant wait to get a room to hit it off?
You two are getting married?

You actually want a woman who you never ever met just because she is attracted to you?

We all did that when we were AFC and there was actually someone to be attracted to us. We tend to get in love with her because we have no success with other women. Dont you think it will be much better to find someone out of your country in your environment so you can have the benefit of actually meeting her? So you get to know her, her friends, her parents, or if you two are even sexually compatible? (heh i just made that compatibility up )

You said that the sent you electronic flowers... well i can send you something better: :cheer: a cheerleader and im not from the US but please dont get in love with me

for your own good forget her and move on to a "real" girl in your town/blabla

But if you dont want to follow my advice lets see what would happen if you two would meet:
Lets say you two instantly fall in love and you two have the best 2 weeks you two can have. After those 2 weeks you got to go back to the US. Of course you cant get her to be with you because she is no US citizen and all.
Well you get really depressed because you want to meet her again but you cant. You have no money and even if you would have, you couldnt meet her for long.

Thanks, Enryu. A couple of points, though. First I did NOT say that she was paying for me to go theer, just the opposite, we discussed her coming HERE. She also wants to continue her education. Secondly, she expressed attraction to me before I did to her. Thirdly, why limit yourself to people "near you"? That's lame. For me I keep it open. Yes, there are women here that are attracted to me and vice versa. But that is a limited pool. Many of you guys who say just concentrate on whomever is close by give up way to easily. And you seem to dismiss the fact that people can and do develop feelings for each other without ever meeting. And not one sided or AFC feelings but genuine feelings. And when a woman says that she'll do the traveling to meet the guy that says something right there.

And what is to say that the person you have a lot in common with is someone you should forget about because of distance? Come on, that's giving up way to easily. What you say is tantamount to settling because it's saying so and so is out of my league because the distance is too great. Most of the time the reason why things don't work out is because neither side has the whole picture or someone gives up on the relationship because of the distance factor. But any relationship that falls apart whether it's one that started with someone you met at a bar, club, lecture hall, job, game, etc. or via the Net is one that was already lacking before it even started.

I'm attracted to women who look a certain way, think a certain way, and have interests similar to mine. Now is every woman that I have something in common with live in my city or nearby? No. And TBH I am very picky and fine with that. I won't date a woman who is less than what I'm worth. So no, there is nothing wrong with keeping options open. If two people want a real relationship they put work into it. It doesn't matter how they meet if they really click they click. Most people give up way to easily and take what they can get. Then they pay for it years down the road.

Edit: And what would be so bad IF a woman wants you so bad that she'll pay for you to come to her?

 

[Interceptor]

BTD,
you know in your heart what you have to do.

You know how you feel about this woman.
You value the things you have together.

It makes perfect sense to pursue this and find out what it may blossom into.

We live life without regrets, remember?

no regrets.

 

[Being_the_Don]

You never even met her. You're developing feelings based on not even having met the person, which means you're developing an attachment to your perception of her that may not be realistic. Don't overlook that by not being physically present with each other and experiencing events together in the flesh, you're effectively negating the very real impact of day-to-day actualities that certainly bear on any relationship, let alone the physical component of things. That includes the bad stuff - it's easy enough to be on one's best behavior when you're writing an email now and then or placing a phone call and romanticize things. So what you're experiencing isn't real; it's not a total package.

And to top it off, she lives out of the country, which makes dating her impossible and very impractical. She and you can't find anyone within your own countries to date?

Like I said to Enryu, she was attracted to me first. I'm glad you guys are giving your advice, it's helpful. But one thing is that I never close out an option. You're right that there is a lot that I don't know about this girl. The feelings I have developed for her are based on what we've talked about so far. Do perceptions undergo some revisions when two people meet face to face? Most definitely. But if the core is real then that's the foundation that matters. I never said that I like this woman enough to want to marrry her someday. She's not the woman I will marry. There is a specific list of criteria that I have that women have to meet for me to even consider them. Still I've got to get to know a woman to see how much she has in common with me for anything to happen.

And another thing, a lot of women who are attracted to me and come onto me are usually involved with someone or even married. I like the attention to be sure but getting involved with someone who is involved with someone else just isn't my style. Then there are a number of women who are under the false impression that I'm not serious about relationships and just want to play women. All just because I happen to look a certain way. Some of that is the result of rumors and fortunately not everyone believes it but hey women do talk and where I live, neg word does spread. So when women immediately reject themselves by saying "I don't think it would be a good idea to date because my girlfriends want to date you, too." or "I know that if we got together I'd have competition." or "Why is so and so looking at you? Did you say anything to her while I was [in the bathroom, going up to pick up our food, etc.]?" It gets to you after a while. Among other things what I want is trust, you know? That's why I keep my options open.

 

[Enryu]

i know that she expressed attraction first maybe you didnt understand me.
When i was a complete afc, i got in love with a woman just because she was one of the first ones to actually feel attracted to me. It was really weird because it was a first aid class, i had a very good looking social proof (yeah a female friend... sue me ) and we had to have a lot of kino because of all the medical stuff like get her into this and that position and unfortunately i couldnt do it with my social proof so i had to take this random chick.

I touched her alot because of all that medical stuff plus i showed her how to feel your pulse, i was joking alot, ignoring her much etc. the whole stuff even though i didnt even realised anything.

anyways that girl felt attracted to me and even though at first i didnt even look at her twice I somewhat felt attracted to her too...


anyways all im saying is maybe you feel attracted to her because she is attracted to you? Think about it

Yes its true, every RS has its flaws but dont you think a different country overseas isnt a big of a flaw? it isnt like you can just visit her by train for a weekend or a few days.... you need to buy plane tickets, maybe learn a new language to be able to speak to others and that whole stuff.

I personally think long distance relationships are just bad but having a long distance relationship to someone you never met, from a different country is worse than bad

Oh and noone is saying you should just focus on your town etc. many of my Gfs are from neighbour towns but by car like 10-20 mins or reachable by bus etc.
Just focus on them you can actually meet on a regular basis like once a week or something not twice a year...

Where is she from btw? And why is it, that you are so interested in her even though you didnt met her? I dont accept looks as a reason simply because there are tons of women out there and at least a few of them look better than her

 

[Being_the_Don]

i know that she expressed attraction first maybe you didnt understand me.
When i was a complete afc, i got in love with a woman just because she was one of the first ones to actually feel attracted to me. It was really weird because it was a first aid class, i had a very good looking social proof (yeah a female friend... sue me ) and we had to have a lot of kino because of all the medical stuff like get her into this and that position and unfortunately i couldnt do it with my social proof so i had to take this random chick.

I touched her alot because of all that medical stuff plus i showed her how to feel your pulse, i was joking alot, ignoring her much etc. the whole stuff even though i didnt even realised anything.

anyways that girl felt attracted to me and even though at first i didnt even look at her twice I somewhat felt attracted to her too...


anyways all im saying is maybe you feel attracted to her because she is attracted to you? Think about it

Yes its true, every RS has its flaws but dont you think a different country overseas isnt a big of a flaw? it isnt like you can just visit her by train for a weekend or a few days.... you need to buy plane tickets, maybe learn a new language to be able to speak to others and that whole stuff.

I personally think long distance relationships are just bad but having a long distance relationship to someone you never met, from a different country is worse than bad

Oh and noone is saying you should just focus on your town etc. many of my Gfs are from neighbour towns but by car like 10-20 mins or reachable by bus etc.
Just focus on them you can actually meet on a regular basis like once a week or something not twice a year...

Where is she from btw? And why is it, that you are so interested in her even though you didnt met her? I dont accept looks as a reason simply because there are tons of women out there and at least a few of them look better than her

Enryu,

Thank you for your advice and opinions but I will tell you something: I do not become easily "lovestruck". Trust me, this is not the first woman to express attraction for me and she definitely won't be the last. I get a lot of IOIs from women in everyday life, I don't post that much about my personal life here on the forums because prefer to keep most of it private. I knew this woman was attracted to me long before I felt anything for her. What I like about her most of all is her personality. I trust the photos she sent me and she is attractive but I like the way she thinks. I also told her early on that if I lose interest in a woman, that she says or does something that sends up a red flag I stop talking to her. She accepts that. We have similar points of view which is what I like, she's also athletic which is a big plus for me.

Another thing I like about her is that she likes me for me not just because of what I look like. And she doesn't seem judgemental or making assumptions thus far anyway. She also knows that she is not the only woman that I'm talking to (talking face to face now) and she accepts that.

The thing is that I like her because she has at least some of the qualities that I find attractive in women. Does that mean I put everything on hold for her? No. We don't talk everyday and sometimes she wants to talk to me but I don't get back to her for a couple of days. Does it mean I wil stop talking to other women face to face and the Net because of the fact that she has said that she likes me? Of course not.

But the thing I say for you is that it is important to keep your options open. Because TBH IF there is a woman closeby that happens to have the qualities and traits that you find attractive you would try to find out more about her. But if that woman happens to live far away you should just give up because the distance makes it impossible? That's a form of self rejection, it's giving up without even trying.