Tell My Boss to Stop Hitting on Me?

[Paprika]

My boss of several months now often flirts with me when I'm at work, and her flirting has intensified lately. Although I do find her extremely attractive, I made the decision from the very beginning to keep our relationship very professional.

So, this post is NOT about whether or not I should get with her. I've already decided long ago that it's not going to happen because

1) She's my boss
2) She's married (unhappily, not that it matters)
3) She has kids

Strike three, she's out. Getting involved with her would obviously be a complete disaster. I like my career, and I get paid very well for what I do. BTW, I'm 25 and she's 36.

Basically, I've been giving her the cold shoulder. I'm friendly, but very professional, and while I'm very flattered, I'm finding it's slowly becoming a distraction from the job I have to do. (It's very frustrating when an attractive women shows heavy interest, but you can't reciprocate for whatever reason.)

So, should I somehow let her know that I find her behavior inappropriate? If so, what would be a polite way to go about saying it? Or should I say nothing, just take the compliment, and keep trying not to let it distract me? My concern is that calling her on her behavior might make the situation worse. Right now, she and I get along very well. We get a lot of work done, and she, except for putting me in a frustrating situation, has treated me very well.

Can you guys think of any other options?

 

[ZenGodMod]

So, should I somehow let her know that I find her behavior inappropriate? If so, what would be a polite way to go about saying it? Or should I say nothing, just take the compliment, and keep trying not to let it distract me? My concern is that calling her on her behavior might make the situation worse. Right now, she and I get along very well. We get a lot of work done, and she, except for putting me in a frustrating situation, has treated me very well.

Can you guys think of any other options?

Oh have I been in you shoes once. In my case she was not attractive at all. However I am a bit luckier then you, because I already some how knew it wouldn't lead anywhere.

The odds are against her. All the 3 reasons you have stated are the same three reasons she knows are against her.

In my case, I let it be known that I allowed any women to be flirtatious with me at the work place, but never once accepted any invitation for drinks or lunch. Also I gave the impression that I was already involved.

I'd indicate it here and there and never revealed more then minor details. Kept all conversation short and distant.

Example, when I would be invited for drinks I would say "I can't, someone is waiting for me at home and she says she's horny. Can't pass this chance. Bye". Then the next day when asked how did it go with my girlfriend I'd say "What girlfriend? Did I say I had a girlfriend? Do you really need someone to be your girlfriend for them to be horny?".

So basically I gave my boss more and more reason why she stood no chance with me. She was still flirtatious till I changed jobs, but she never moved passed the point of unacceptable.

 

[Andromax]

I personally wouldn't make a big deal about it to her. If you keep giving her the cold shoulder she will eventually move onto someone else.

If you call her out on it, like shes some sort of a predator, she won't take it well likely, will deny it, and could possibly 'retaliate' somehow. You know women, they won't own up to when they act up. It could possibly be a lot worse if you reject her brutally, you know... a woman scorned.

My advice is to just ride it out. If it's merely a distraction to your work, then tell her you need some peace and quiet to accomplish your tasks.

I wouldn't use the whole her 'getting all up on you' is hindering your environment. I see her flipping out in the long run this route.

 

[KarmaSutra]

Doesn't sound to me as if this bird is as passive as she is aggressive. If you want to derail her attraction you're going to have to do it with quite a bit of overt subterfuge.

You'll need to either find her another target or you're going to need to go over her head.

Retribution for not succumbing to affection in the workplace is extrmely plausable. In this case, it seems she's daring you to do something about it.

You can't challenge her because she'll welcome it and forever try to one-up you. You can't lie down and take it either or you'll be seen as inferior and she'll try to get you replaced. You need to exude your masculinity and keep subtley reminding her of her HUSBAND and her CHILDREN. Whenever she's breathing down your neck and biting her lower lip ask her: "Hey I've been meaning to ask you if your husband likes golf and cigars and good scotch?" "Perhaps he and I should get together sometime? What's his cellphone number?"

Something along those lines. She won't be able to distinguish her lust for you and her hatred for her husband.

See how it works?

 

[penkitten]

that is sexual harassment and illegal.

 

[Mr. Me]

My concern is that calling her on her behavior might make the situation worse. Right now, she and I get along very well.

Yes, so why put that in peril by making her feel slighted if you talk to her about it in any manner? Who knows if she's not beyond making your job suck because she gets ticked off at you? Just keep smiling but evading, she'll give up eventually.

I've already decided long ago that it's not going to happen because

1) She's my boss
2) She's married (unhappily, not that it matters)
3) She has kids

All great and ethical reasons, to which I add: most relationships don't last and there's usually one person that's not happy about it. If that person is her, she can put your job in peril or at the very least, make it awkward for you to continue working with her.

 

[Latinoman]

Keep a log book. Document EVERYTHING.

And take action, if it comes to that. What she is doing is actually illegal...but only if there is a "no".

 

[joekerr31]

you have to describe to us what you mean by 'flirting'

if shes just paying you compliments like how thats a nice shirt you are wearing, just say thanks and carry on with your day. if shes telling people how great you are and what great work you do, once again, water off a ducks back. just stay focused on your job and ignore / moderately acknowledge her compliments.

if she's sitting across the room from you and when you look at her she's deep throating a banana and staring at you then you might have to do something.

if you feel that you have to do something, do not take matters into your own hands. go talk with an HR rep first. tell them the situation without names and the course of action you plan to take to resolve the matter, then ask them for any input on whether how you plan to handle it is appropriate.

you have to take this stuff with a grain of salt. men aren't use to be pursued so it freaks us out when it happens. whereas women are totally use to this. if women went and complained every time she had a boss that flirted with her HR would be swamped with complaints.

you think that because shes flirting that means you she is expecting you to f*ck her. but maybe she's just flirting for fun or to still feel like she is attractive in some way.

 

[Interceptor]

Tell her that you can only be 'friends' with a married woman.

"I'm sorry, but you're married. So you're OFF LIMITS to me.I'm very flattered, and youre an attractive woman but this can't go any further."

Say something like that.

And make sure you are documenting everything.

 

[romangod]

Tell her that you can only be 'friends' with a married woman.

"I'm sorry, but you're married. So you're OFF LIMITS to me.I'm very flattered, and youre an attractive woman but this can't go any further."

Say something like that.

And make sure you are documenting everything.

I agree with Interceptor on this. You should be documenting every instance in case it gets ugly. I don't know the woman but you never know where they're at and how ruthless they may become. It may end up in legal action. Cheers!

 

[jophil28]

I agree with Interceptor on this. You should be documenting every instance in case it gets ugly. I don't know the woman but you never know where they're at and how ruthless they may become. It may end up in legal action. Cheers!

Beware a woman scorned...
Back in the late 80's I was in technical middle management. I had a staff of about 6 technicians and I shared a secretary with another middle manager from another dept.
I also got real "close" to the General Manager's secretary who was a HB6 with a big paramedic B/f...(call her W) I was soon doing her in the town house that she moved into when she broke up with the Para B/f . This all happened inside of three months of my joining the Company. I had moved from another state and was living in a serviced apartment near the office.
Anyways, after a few more months it was clear that I needed a secretary of my own to cope with the work load, so I advertised for help and eventually I employed a HB8.5 who had mediocre skills but had " that look". She was 12 years younger than me and real cute ( call her A).
I waited and bided my time with her - every day I built the tension and eventually, after 5 weeks, she invited me to her house for dinner at 7pm the next evening..it was ON.
In this 5 weeks I was still doing the other secretary but she was getting nosey and clingy.

AS I was getting dressed to go to dinner at A's house there was a knock on my front door. TWo cops were standing there and they wanted me to go to the station house with them" for questioning" . We argued back and forth. They claimed tha one of the local banks had received a threatening call to deliver $2000 to my apartment. The bank called the cops.
LOng story. -I was arrested and fingerprinted and finally released at about 10pm ...I went around to A's place and tried to give her a watered down version of what had happened - I still could not make sense of it for a long time afterwards.
I eventually found out that W had set me up via a cop friend of her's ..

Nasty baitch ..

I ended up being with A for 18 months until I left the country for the USA.

 

[Cesare Cardinali]

There's a clear difference in my view, between sexual harrassment and "heavy flirting". Is she somehow alluding to the fact that your job will be in danger? Is she using her status or power in some way to obtain sexual favors? If not, then she's just really horny for you and wanting you, then I'd work on befriending her, opening up to her about your feelings about other women and asking her for advice, and in return offering to give her advice on guys.

If she keeps flirting, tell her that you think she's hot, but that you really would feel bad sleeping with her because you're such good friends, but that you'll be happy to hook her up with other guys if the opportunity comes up.

 

[azanon]

that is sexual harassment and illegal.

Flirting in the workplace is not sexual harassment. Repeated, unwelcomed flirting is. If she doesn't yet know its unwelcome by him, then it isn't sexual harassment yet.

It's nice to know that (welcomed) flirting is still legal, though often ill-advised for other reasons.

 

[jophil28]

Flirting in the workplace is not sexual harassment. Repeated, unwelcomed flirting is. If she doesn't yet know its unwelcome by him, then it isn't sexual harassment yet.

It's nice to know that (welcomed) flirting is still legal, though often ill-advised for other reasons.

I am a direct guy.
If I were you I would say to her, the next time she "hits" on you, " Stop hitting on me."
Do it with a steely gaze right into her retinas. Directness often puts people right back in their box.

 

[Paprika]

Thanks for the advice. I think when she starts up with me again, I'll ask about her husband, or mention a hot date I just had (even if it's been a while), or something like that. I think that should get the point across without the situation imploding. If that doesn't work, I'll tell her more directly and document it, but I don't think it'll get to that point.

There's a clear difference in my view, between sexual harrassment and "heavy flirting". Is she somehow alluding to the fact that your job will be in danger? Is she using her status or power in some way to obtain sexual favors? If not, then she's just really horny for you and wanting you, then I'd work on befriending her, opening up to her about your feelings about other women and asking her for advice, and in return offering to give her advice on guys.

No, she never insinuates that my job is in danger if I don't reciprocate. I'm not sure I'd characterize her behavior as "sexual harrassment", as in she's using her power or status to gain control.

How does she flirt? I've watched closely how she interacts with other people, thinking at first that she was just trying to make me feel welcome, but I've noticed she's always an extremely serious (being a physicist) and professional person around our other co-workers.

Around me, she's constantly giving me kino, smiling, laughing, basically acting like a giddy school girl, always asking very personal questions and revealing very personal things about herself. She's always hanging around my office, sitting on my desk while I'm trying to work, trying to chat with me, gazing at me with a dreamy look in her eyes.

On a few occasions she has been talking to her sister (who still lives in Europe) on the phone about me, debating on whether or not she should invite me to her cabin over the weekend to go skiing (although I think she may have been half-joking). She speaks to her sister in French, thinking I can't understand what she's saying. After she hung up, she asked me if I like to ski, but I said it didn't interest me much (even though I'm an avid skier). What I haven't told her is that I also speak French.

Basically she acts like any other interested woman, which I'm sure all of us here have experienced, so you get the picture.

I don't think she's being manipulative, I just think she's extremely attracted to me. I don't know what her intentions are, if any. It could very well be that she has no intentions at all.

But to me it doesn't matter. It's incredibly frustrating, and it distracts me from my work, although it is damn flattering.

 

[penkitten]

Flirting in the workplace is not sexual harassment. Repeated, unwelcomed flirting is. If she doesn't yet know its unwelcome by him, then it isn't sexual harassment yet.

It's nice to know that (welcomed) flirting is still legal, though often ill-advised for other reasons.

actually it is sexual harassment.
it already is repeated because the question in the thread was "how to tell my boss to stop hitting on me?" meaning it has already happened more than one time. it is up to him to decide if it is unwelcome or not. if i were a co worker, and i saw her behavior to him, and thought she was sexually harassing him, i could be the one to file the complaint because it can bother me too.
that is how varied the rules to sexual harassment is.
it can be in a range of slight to severe.
http://www.dotcr.ost.dot.gov/Documents/complaint/Preventing_Sexual_Harassment.htm

 

[Cesare Cardinali]

Be careful about being direct and taking an approach of confrontation. This type of advice would work better on women being harassed by men because it is something that happens more often and thus has been dealt with more often. For men, you might have a tough time gaining backing from your superiors whether men or women. It's not fair, but I think that's how it will play out. Your best bet in my view is to use game, social skills, etc, to turn this around.

 

[Ricco]

For the most part direct confrontation with a women boss will not be in your best interest in the long run - your best bet is to work on relaying your message with your actions.

By being focussed on your job at hand and not deviating by asking personal questions or answering them. This approach will ultimately get you the end result you are trying to achieve. You have to be consistent though.

In time that message will be clear. Women at work will eventually realise their efforts are futile and will give up in frustration. It also helps to mention to a female coworker that you don't date at work. All it takes is one female to spread that message for you. It works wonders.

 

[MikeYikes122]

I'm not sure if this is a resolved issue or not, but my advice for you is that if you're going ignore this woman, make sure you flat-out ignore her advances. If you tease or lead her on even in the slightest ways but semi-ignore her, she is just going to want you more.

I was in this situation about six months ago. I would love to get into details because they are very comical, but I can't for anonymity reasons. Though, it wasn't until I completely started ignoring my boss' wife that she quit coming onto me. When I was friendly with her or even reciprocated her attention in the slightest, she acted more attracted to me. It wasn't until I flat-out ignored her that she began to leave me alone.