Talking about ex´s with new girls - Tactical advice

[Radharc]

Talking about ex with new girls - Tactical advice

Hey guys,

I got in touch today with a female friend I havent seen for some 3 years maybe, she was on msn and we started to talk, well, back in the times when we used to hang out she definitelly dig me and sended green signs all the time but i never acted on it because i was on a LTR. Then we decided we should meet and we´ll probably do it friday. Thing is during our convo today she asks me "how I´m i doing in the women department", I got out of a messy LTR three months ago, she knew my ex and allways thought she was a "difficult person", but I answered that i´m "taking a vacation from the girl department because i could use some rest from female crazyness" all this in a light and playfull mood - i also told her i finished my LTR. To be honest I dont like to talk about relationships after they end but for some reason she was really interested. I didnt ask her but i got the feeling that she´s single atm.
Well, i´m not interested in getting myself involved with anyone atm, that part was true, but i´m definitelly interested in having some fun. But for some reason i have the feeling that she will bring the subject of my situation again and will probably try to dwell on it, whats the best way to play this? Talking about former relationships with new girls allways seems like a bad idea to me, should i downplay it and change the subject or is there some way i can use this in my favour? Maybe playing the stoic, strong guy that takes a hit from life but gets up again, or the hard to get guy who is just interested in being alone for the time being? All these things are partially true in one way or another... i feel i need a game plan regarding this topic...

Thanks guys.

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

I could use some guidance on this one too. I got out of an LTR a few months ago, and while I have taken the concept of self improvement and made it part of every moment of my day, there are some things that still bother me. This is one of them.

I generally think it's a bad idea to talk about exes AT ALL, especially if the wound is somewhat fresh, as it is nearly impossible to restrain the bitterness you may carry. We overcome and get better from these experiences, but it isn't easy and at times we don't know what to do.

So I'm saying I want to hear what Rollo, STR8UP, Mr. Me, Jophil and others have to say about this.

 

[SamMalone]

I've always heard that it is wise to speak very HIGHLY of your ex. Never say anything bad about them and act like they were a great person, but it just not the right person for you. That way it makes the girl your are currently talking to (1) feel higher status because she is in the same league as this great girl (2) make you look like a good guy for not sinking low and bad mouthing people like everyone else on the dating scene. This is all theory I have read and have never tried it though. Just reading it I think there could be a danger of the new girl possibly thinking your not over your ex if you don't play it carefully.

 

[Mr. Me]

That's what I hear too: speak nicely of the ex. A brief, "hey, it just wasn't meant to be, but I wish her all the best" and change the topic seems to be a good way to go. Not only do you then come off as okay and not deranged because of a breakup, but classy too. You're sending the signal that when and if you two eventually end anything, she doesn't have to worry that you'll become crazed and stalk her and that you won't be dragging her name through the mud.

Otherwise, this is what women do: you'll start to go on about the ex, and she'll encourage you to spill your guts. You think she's interested in your story (maybe she even tells you she is) and that she's nice and favorable to you, but in reality she's gauging just how stuck you may still be on your ex and/or how angry and bitter you are and/or if you have issues to work out, which is her way of finding red flags about you. She's not encouraging you to talk, she's encouraging you to create enough rope with which to hang yourself.

 

[speed dawg]

It is wise to not speak of your ex at all. If the girl brings it up, just make jokes about it. Don't get lured into a deep/heavy conversation - it KILLS attraction.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Iron Rule of Tomassi # 2
NEVER, under pain of death, honestly or dishonsetly reveal or discuss the number of women you've slept with or explain any detail of your past sexual experiences with a current lover.

The single most disastrous AFC move a man can make is to OVERTLY describe past sexual experiences, tell of details or give a number (accurate or not) to how many women he's been with prior to the one he's with. This simple act ALWAYS comes off as pretensiousness and is often the catalyst for an avalanche of emotional resentment, if not outright emotional blackmail from an insecure woman. This is a rookie mistake that will only take you once to learn.

 

[Radharc]

Great advice all you guys, thanks, I was under the impression that it would be wise to avoid the issue too, but considering this girl is somewhat familiar with my past and my ex I didn't want to look too secretive or something, like I had something to hide, I was looking for the best way to downplay this and possibly make it work in my favour.

I allways thought it was pointless, and sick to an extent, to talk about past relationships with new girls, with my ex she used to pester me all the time to talk about my exes, and how she knew nothing about them, and made it sound like an issue in our relationship, which allways baffled/seemed fishy to me to a certain extent, so i never really indulged her. Her on the other hand loved to talk about exes for some reason, it never really bothered me (or made me feel threatened) but every now and then if i didnt shut her up in time it would bore me to tears... i guess this may be one of those issues were male and female perspectives may be quite different...

Rollo, i understand your advice and agree with it, but you think it also applies in the same manner to a situation where the new girl is allready somewhat familiar with your history and wants to discuss a specific situation/ex she knew and didnt like very much? Not that i´m planning on getting into details or a deep conversation with the new girl about it, just curious.

 

[Heretolearn]

That's what I hear too: speak nicely of the ex. A brief, "hey, it just wasn't meant to be, but I wish her all the best" and change the topic seems to be a good way to go. Not only do you then come off as okay and not deranged because of a breakup, but classy too. You're sending the signal that when and if you two eventually end anything, she doesn't have to worry that you'll become crazed and stalk her and that you won't be dragging her name through the mud.

Otherwise, this is what women do: you'll start to go on about the ex, and she'll encourage you to spill your guts. You think she's interested in your story (maybe she even tells you she is) and that she's nice and favorable to you, but in reality she's gauging just how stuck you may still be on your ex and/or how angry and bitter you are and/or if you have issues to work out, which is her way of finding red flags about you. She's not encouraging you to talk, she's encouraging you to create enough rope with which to hang yourself.

Perfect answer. You cannot help your situation by chatting only hurt it.

Keep it simple and short. If she presses, make a joke about it like what, you want to date her

If she presses, with a smile say you prefer not to speak about the past and focus on the future then ask her an unrelated question to get her thinking of something else

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

Then you TONGUE THAT A$$!!!