Taking a newly EX girlfriend on vacation..

[BigSteve28]

Hey guys, first post, longtime lurker on the forums. Most of my questions regarding relationship stuff I could always just do a search and find a similar situation on here and it answered my questions. I seen one days back but mines a bit different as this guy had other options like he planned it better then me..

So heres my issue. I'm 28 and my girlfriend whos 26 and have been dating for 6 months. We have a vacation booked next month and its a couples vacation and not really a single persons trip so I really can't go alone. I thought about taking a buddy with me but like I said, it's really not that type of trip. I was really going to use it as a measuring stick for our relationship and see how things went as we both have talked about being engaged within a year, that's what were both looking for, to settle down and have familes soon.

So things have been a bit rocky the past few weeks and I really didn't like how it was feeling so we talked about it and we basically called it off, and it wasn't like a bad breakup but I am bummed over it. She basically said she loves me and cares about me but she's not in love with me and that the spark used to be there but for her it no longer is. I on the other hand am in love with her. She said shes felt this way for a while now but im so perfect for her shes tossed and turned over this and put her feelings off for so long because she knows I'm the right choice and the smart choice for her in the longrun but she can't choose who she falls in love with and that it's probably just not gods plan for us to be together..

She brought up this trip to me and said that if I want she will still go with me but it would be as friends and not as my girlfriend, and that she would still like to hangout and do things and I asked about boundaries for us and she said she'd be fine with cuddling, even kissing some. Which is strange to me. I asked her how she would feel if I brought another girl along with me, which would probably be the smart choice and she said it would make her feel like she has been replaced and she'd feel a bit sad about it.

I obviously want things to workout with her and I, and I've thought about taking her on the trip still and have said to her to consider herself as going and that it would be okay aslong as she's not dating anyone else and she said theres no way she would be dating anyone else by that time, but no one can say that and honestly believe it so that's for time to tell. She asked if I wanted to hangout next week with her and I said I'd get back to her on it. I've thought about it and have wondered if going with her on this vacation we might hit it off again, being in a total romantic and paradise spot basically but I'm not sure on that. Have any of you guys regained the "spark" with a woman? I can only thing that by going no contact is the option.

I am just very confused and in a emotional wreck and haven't slept good in days over this. I've still been working out daily to get my mind off stuff but it's always in my head. Have any of you guys ever taken a EX that you had a trip planned with on vacation anyways and how did it workout? Did you guys get back together? Were you miserable the whole trip? Was it still fun without the pressure of the relationship if you have time to get over it, which I'd have around a month now. I look forward to the comments, even though some are going to rag on about the vacation thing, but when we booked it back in early Feb, everything was going great on both ends and I really had no doubts in my mind that this kind of thing would happen.

 

[Suspens]

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=160056

she can't choose who she falls in love with

Honest, straightforward and respectful.

Appreciate the fact that she isn't being a hoe and is telling you everything you need to know. Pity kissing and cuddling will only worsen your situation.

 

[BigSteve28]

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=160056

Yeah I am familiar with that.. and that is the long term solution to this. She wants to hangout next week and get some drinks but I'm not going to do that I'll probably just tell her I need some time to get over her and seeing her next week won't help that. I have thought about the chance of meeting someone new from now till trip time and if we hit it off going but the chance of that is not really high, I don't know many decent girls who would know someone for less than a month and go away with them. I'm thinking of not talking to her till a week or so till the vacation and then reevaluating how I feel and hopefully i'll be over her.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

Did you pay for all this? Yeah dude if you have a back up that can take time off take her instead!

Or

What do you mean by "couples vacation"? If this is any kind of "spring break"
location bring a buddy there will be plenty of party chicks on vacation as well.

 

[BigSteve28]

Yes I paid for everything. It's like a romantic area, a lot of people go to for honeymoons or like anniversaries. It's in St Lucia for 7 days. My parents went there for there 20th anniversary and always talked about how nice it was so we picked that place to travel too. It's not a spring break location and the resort we picked is not really that atmosphere. Everything is couples related nearly at this place, the dinners each night are reservation that you pick out for you and your siginificent other each night at the 10 different locations at the resort etc.. Spa days all that stuff..

 

[BigSteve28]

I don't have a backup girl either.. I finally met someone that I actually wanted to be with so I quit seeing other girls and really tried to focus and invest my time into one person because like I mentioned, we both wanted to settle down and wanted to be engaged in a year or so and married afterwards. We had talked about possbiilities of moving in together down the road, all that stuff. Two marriage like minded people basically.

 

[Suspens]

I finally met someone that I actually wanted to be with so I quit seeing other girls and really tried to focus and invest my time into one

Well then, you did everything wrong.

Folks on this forum are your best friends.


Most of us have long way to go.

 

[BigSteve28]

I know some might say I shouldn't of paid for it also, but I was raised in a very traditional household where my father always worked and my moms duties were at home, he always paid for everything and was the provider and that's been my thing growing up and in my dating life also. It's probably not as good idea as women have changed from that age to this age, it's just hard to get away from when you've been raised a certain way.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

Yes I paid for everything. It's like a romantic area, a lot of people go to for honeymoons or like anniversaries. It's in St Lucia for 7 days. My parents went there for there 20th anniversary and always talked about how nice it was so we picked that place to travel too. It's not a spring break location and the resort we picked is not really that atmosphere. Everything is couples related nearly at this place, the dinners each night are reservation that you pick out for you and your siginificent other each night at the 10 different locations at the resort etc.. Spa days all that stuff..

Damn bro that sounds expensive. She doesn't f*cking deserve to go, she just broke up with you. I suppose you do have to give her some credit she could have waited until after the trip.

Man sorry to hear this, you sound like a stand up guy too. You may just be too damn nice. Yeah, I was raised in the "traditional household" as well I hear you. FUBAR

 

[BigSteve28]

It was pretty expensive, close to 9 grand. I really had no doubt in my mind I'd be in this situation when we booked it. Otherwise theres no way I would of done it.

 

[asa_don]

big steve sounds like a troll.

anybody stupid enough to spend 9 grand on an ex, paying the whole way for any woman on a trip deserves what he gets.

 

[BigSteve28]

Why does that sound like a troll man? Maybe my budget and your budget are two totally different things. Have you thought about that? I knew I would get a response like this.

 

[Atom Smasher]

You sound like a genuinely nice guy, and you actually remind me of myself. I learned the hard way that women lose excitement for nice guys. They need to be treated with a firm hand. I know it goes against everything you've ever learned and everything that seems obvious, but it's true.

They have a deep need to be put in their place occasionally. That flips the script on them and indicates to them that you have high sexual value as a man.

She's going through the whole "I SHOULD love him, I WANT to love him", but she simply can't because she wants some bad boy mixed in with your good-guyness.

I think you should calmly and dispassionately tell her you decided that she's not going with you. Make it seem like you are absolutely certain of this and there is no room for discussion. Say it in a very matter-of-fact, unaffected way. SHE NEEDS TO SEE THAT YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY SEPARATED FROM HER, NOT DEPENDENT.

Then I would go ahead and bring a buddy down there with you. She doesn't have to know who goes with you. They mystery will kill her. So what if the place is really for couples? I'm sure you guys can find guy stuff to do. You can even tell the story to other couples and laugh about it while you're there.

The trip with her is a wash. You need to go anyway and reveal absolutely ZERO concern about it to her. You are thereby flipping the script and showing 1) Yourself and 2) her that you are just fine with how things turned out. Down the road she may well have second thoughts and try to approach you and rekindle things, but that's up in the air right now.

I would untie your relationship with her from the vacation. Go and make the best of it. The new locale will do you good. There must be a way to avoid hanging out with couples there.

This is at least how I would handle it. I would definitely avoid going down there with her as a friend. There's a high probability that you would be positively miserable and anxious down there with her. Instead, show yourself that you can separate while at the same time showing her.

If you really, absolutely can't see yourself going down there, is it possible to sell the package to someone, perhaps off of Crai g's list?

You're about to grow by leaps and bounds, and become disillusioned here at SS. The illusions are going to be ripped away, and it's going to hurt. But you're going to find the balance between being a nice guy and having strength and unshakable conviction, and that balance is in fact obtainable.

Welcome to the forum. The illusions that are being ripped away were your comfort but also your jailer, a jailer who beats you mercilessly from time to time. It's a brave new world, and I can already tell there's no going back for you. Get ready for a stinging, fierce light as the scales are shed from your eyes. On the other side will come freedom and self-determination, a new-found strength that will serve you for the rest of your life.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Why does that sound like a troll man? Maybe my budget and your budget are two totally different things. Have you thought about that? I knew I would get a response like this.

This is a rough neighborhood, and many guys are rightly on the lookout for trolls, as we get a fair amount of them.

With every post come detractors. Even I, Atom Smasher the Great, your humble servant, have misguided detractors. Just ignore them, and glean what you can from this valuable site.

This site turned me from being a super-nice guy who had no idea which end was up, into a fairly well-balanced and strong man. Several others can say the same thing.

When you lay it on the line in public, there's always going to be suspicions of trolling. Just let it flow off you and address your stuff with the guys who think you're legit.

 

[BigSteve28]

Thanks for the advise man. I just sent her a simple text that read "I know we talked about meeting up next week for a drink potentially but I can't do that. I need some time to heal and move on. Time apart from each other and not talking for a while might not be a bad thing."

 

[BigSteve28]

She wrote back and said "That's understandable..Whatever you need" So i'll go no contact for a while on this and see how I feel.

 

[Atom Smasher]

That's cool.

Moving forward I would recommend eliminating all explanations and simply telling her how it is in a very emotionally detached way. That is precisely what is going to get her to wonder about you, which is precisely your challenge right now... she doesn't wonder about you.

You're off to a good start. Keep the emotion out of it (I know it's hard) and stay detached. Going forward I would be very matter-of-fact with her, as if you're telling her how it is with no desire on your part to explain yourself.

She doesn't want a guy who feels he has to explain himself. She wants a guy to tell her how he runs his Kingdom. That is what I call "chick crack".

A woman's job and desire is to submit, and she can't submit to a man who she considers her equal or her inferior. She needs a man who runs his kingdom like a King and who lets people whom he deems worthy into the gates. Advanced stuff, but you probably get what I'm trying to convey.

The bottom line is that women crave a man who clearly doesn't need her. He wants her around if she agrees to his terms, but he doesn't need her. Men like that are gold to women.

I hope I'm not sounding too patronizing here... I'm just quickly tossing out a few tidbits to chew on.

 

[Atom Smasher]

She wrote back and said "That's understandable..Whatever you need" So i'll go no contact for a while on this and see how I feel.

There ya go. No contact is what's needed here at this point.

Just remember that "no contact" means

NO contact.

If you get weak and are tempted, talk to us.

 

[BigSteve28]

Yeah I'm going to stick to it, I read the guide and it said something about letting her know the window to get back together is fading or whatever, not in those exact words but I didn't mention any of that. No need to really.