I got out of a 4-month relationship with a BPD ex about 4 weeks ago and feel completely helpless right now.
Our relationship started off very intense at first. She pursued me pretty heavily at work after making small talk with her one day and I figured "what the hell... why not give it a shot?". After a date or two, I thought I had found a really amazing girl who had been everything I had ever wanted out of someone. Very smart, same interests, and was more into me than any other girl I had ever met. It was too easy, but I had no idea what I was getting into and saw no serious red flags early on. We started seeing each other more and more, and eventually started dating after a few weeks. It didn't take long for us to start having sex right after that, and it was by far the best sex I had ever experienced. She knew exactly which buttons to push and gleefully did whatever I wanted to experience. Being around her produced the most intense, euphoric, egotistical high. I felt like a god amongst men, and had never been happier in my life.
Of course, the warning signs started to appear a few weeks later. It started with her getting drunk at my apartment with me, and for whatever reason started screaming "Why aren't you being mean to me?". She frequently brought up how bad her exes treated her (beaten, financially screwed over, etc.), and talked about how she came home one day and found out how her dad had suddenly ran off with a stripper and left the family. I enjoyed the high with her so much that I didn't care though. She had me emotionally convinced I had rescued her and she was the one. Things did begin to deteriorate, however. She started to get angry at me over extremely simple things such as watching a basketball game and not paying attention to her. All of attention had to be related to her, and how her life was going. Eventually, the amazing sex became less and less frequent, and she wasn't in contact quite as much as she used to be even though I still saw her at work everyday.
Things eventually took a sharp decline for the worst about 3 weeks before the breakup. She was constantly angry at me over nothing, and kept bringing up how things weren't working out at all. We ended up going on a vacation together, and I eventually flipped sh*t after seeing her flirting with other guys at the bar (they were just being nice to me, she said... lol). The next day, she ended up losing her purse, and absolutely destroyed the hotel room in a fit of fury I never knew could exist in a person. I couldn't even say anything... I just stood there in shock. Then she flipped back to adoring me in one second flat and f*cked my brains out. On the ride back, we had a long talk about the direction of our lives, and how she wanted to move far away from where she lived and start a new life. I knew then it was over, and we didn't really contact each other much over the next few days, even at work. The small voice of sanity left in my head told me I needed to get rid of her, but unless you've dated a BPD, it's impossible to know how good it feels when things are running well. I was absolutely broken emotionally, but I knew what was coming and finally nutted up and asked to talk to her outside. She immediately went on a long conversation about how we were two different people and how it wasn't going to work. By this point, I had already accepted what was coming and agreed with her. I could tell in her facial expression that she was actually shocked and expected me to act MUCH more hurt than I showed and repeatedly asked if I was ok.
I immediately went NC after that and put myself out there to recover. Even then, I still couldn't shake her out of my thoughts, and felt like I was in complete denial over the entire situation. I was (and still am) masking my own depression. I didn't really know much about BPD until I described my relationship with a friend who is a physician, and after telling him about her past and actions, he remarked that she fit the description of several of his BPD patients and told me about the disorder. I did some research on it and some of the other relationships people have had with BPD partners and was blown away with the similarities.
Some serious BPD red-flags with her:
- Dad abandoned her as I described previously
- Attempted suicide at one point by cutting her wrists and having her mom come home to find her in a pool of blood
- Had another father figure in her uncle, and he drank himself to death after severe depression. She was so disconnected from reality that she described him to me as actually being ALIVE the entire time we were dating, before dropping a bomb on me that he died over a year ago much later in the relationship. I was a total fool for not running far away after hearing this, but the BPD high was still running incredibly strong and she had already torn me down to her level.
- Impulsively paid for a $500 dinner at an extremely high-end restaurant with me and my parents.
- Constantly says she's fat, even though she's only 9% BF and would pinch skin and say "how do I get this off of me?".
- Would always say "Hey" in a sweet, teenage voice to me.
- During her rage-fit at the hotel, she screamed "Why does this always happen to me? I want to end it all!"
- Liked ridiculously rough sex... as in wanting bruises left on her after it was over.
- Had almost no female friends, talked about how everyone close to her had betrayed her.
- Had been married and divorced from someone after only 5 months and described him as evil and abusive.
I could keep going, but I think that paints a good enough picture.
Here is my current predicament though and why I am feeling so awful right now. This girl works almost 50 yards away from me. She constantly (and probably deliberately) walks within inches of me behind my seat at work to walk to another department multiple times a day. She walks so close I can smell her scent, and she frequently tries to initiate contact with me. Deep down, in my head and heart, I know this girl is wrong for me and I need to run away in the other direction. But I'm so screwed up emotionally from this girl that I don't know if I have the willpower to say no when she comes calling back. I still want to f*ck her brains out when I catch her scent. I was completely violated by this girl on an emotional level but miss the euphoric high so bad... nothing else seems to replace it. I've been out with a couple of other girls since we broke up and things just aren't the same anymore.
As early as last week, she showed up to work with a black eye and started telling me how horrible her weekend was. She clearly isn't done playing games with me despite doing my best to stay in NC and improve myself as a person. I feel like I am absolutely helpless to get the distance I need to recover. I almost feel like I have no choice but to quit my job and the excellent career I have built for myself at a young age. My work is suffering in quality, and my heart starts racing when I hear her distinct footsteps walking behind me even though I refuse to turn around and look at her.
This all sounds pretty pathetic, but after reading some other BPD related posts and how other people have been emotionally raped by these sick people, it really made me realize that I'm not alone in this. I just don't know how to handle this work situation. NC is obviously the way to go, but it feels impossible due to her not allowing me to have any true distance from her by constantly walking behind me and physically prodding me at work (i.e. turning my seat around to talk to her)... essentially keeping tabs on her toy she has put up for a while until she's ready to take it out and play with it again.
Do I start looking for another job? Pray that she gets fired (she is taking a LOT of time off and isn't exactly great at what she does)? Sack up and go hardcore NC to the point of being unprofessional? After a lot of thought, I believe if I can conjure up the willpower, perhaps just being flat-out boring to her would be the best course of action until she loses interest completely. But I have to do something... anything... to regain the confidence I had before she destroyed it.
Our relationship started off very intense at first. She pursued me pretty heavily at work after making small talk with her one day and I figured "what the hell... why not give it a shot?". After a date or two, I thought I had found a really amazing girl who had been everything I had ever wanted out of someone. Very smart, same interests, and was more into me than any other girl I had ever met. It was too easy, but I had no idea what I was getting into and saw no serious red flags early on. We started seeing each other more and more, and eventually started dating after a few weeks. It didn't take long for us to start having sex right after that, and it was by far the best sex I had ever experienced. She knew exactly which buttons to push and gleefully did whatever I wanted to experience. Being around her produced the most intense, euphoric, egotistical high. I felt like a god amongst men, and had never been happier in my life.
Of course, the warning signs started to appear a few weeks later. It started with her getting drunk at my apartment with me, and for whatever reason started screaming "Why aren't you being mean to me?". She frequently brought up how bad her exes treated her (beaten, financially screwed over, etc.), and talked about how she came home one day and found out how her dad had suddenly ran off with a stripper and left the family. I enjoyed the high with her so much that I didn't care though. She had me emotionally convinced I had rescued her and she was the one. Things did begin to deteriorate, however. She started to get angry at me over extremely simple things such as watching a basketball game and not paying attention to her. All of attention had to be related to her, and how her life was going. Eventually, the amazing sex became less and less frequent, and she wasn't in contact quite as much as she used to be even though I still saw her at work everyday.
Things eventually took a sharp decline for the worst about 3 weeks before the breakup. She was constantly angry at me over nothing, and kept bringing up how things weren't working out at all. We ended up going on a vacation together, and I eventually flipped sh*t after seeing her flirting with other guys at the bar (they were just being nice to me, she said... lol). The next day, she ended up losing her purse, and absolutely destroyed the hotel room in a fit of fury I never knew could exist in a person. I couldn't even say anything... I just stood there in shock. Then she flipped back to adoring me in one second flat and f*cked my brains out. On the ride back, we had a long talk about the direction of our lives, and how she wanted to move far away from where she lived and start a new life. I knew then it was over, and we didn't really contact each other much over the next few days, even at work. The small voice of sanity left in my head told me I needed to get rid of her, but unless you've dated a BPD, it's impossible to know how good it feels when things are running well. I was absolutely broken emotionally, but I knew what was coming and finally nutted up and asked to talk to her outside. She immediately went on a long conversation about how we were two different people and how it wasn't going to work. By this point, I had already accepted what was coming and agreed with her. I could tell in her facial expression that she was actually shocked and expected me to act MUCH more hurt than I showed and repeatedly asked if I was ok.
I immediately went NC after that and put myself out there to recover. Even then, I still couldn't shake her out of my thoughts, and felt like I was in complete denial over the entire situation. I was (and still am) masking my own depression. I didn't really know much about BPD until I described my relationship with a friend who is a physician, and after telling him about her past and actions, he remarked that she fit the description of several of his BPD patients and told me about the disorder. I did some research on it and some of the other relationships people have had with BPD partners and was blown away with the similarities.
Some serious BPD red-flags with her:
- Dad abandoned her as I described previously
- Attempted suicide at one point by cutting her wrists and having her mom come home to find her in a pool of blood
- Had another father figure in her uncle, and he drank himself to death after severe depression. She was so disconnected from reality that she described him to me as actually being ALIVE the entire time we were dating, before dropping a bomb on me that he died over a year ago much later in the relationship. I was a total fool for not running far away after hearing this, but the BPD high was still running incredibly strong and she had already torn me down to her level.
- Impulsively paid for a $500 dinner at an extremely high-end restaurant with me and my parents.
- Constantly says she's fat, even though she's only 9% BF and would pinch skin and say "how do I get this off of me?".
- Would always say "Hey" in a sweet, teenage voice to me.
- During her rage-fit at the hotel, she screamed "Why does this always happen to me? I want to end it all!"
- Liked ridiculously rough sex... as in wanting bruises left on her after it was over.
- Had almost no female friends, talked about how everyone close to her had betrayed her.
- Had been married and divorced from someone after only 5 months and described him as evil and abusive.
I could keep going, but I think that paints a good enough picture.
Here is my current predicament though and why I am feeling so awful right now. This girl works almost 50 yards away from me. She constantly (and probably deliberately) walks within inches of me behind my seat at work to walk to another department multiple times a day. She walks so close I can smell her scent, and she frequently tries to initiate contact with me. Deep down, in my head and heart, I know this girl is wrong for me and I need to run away in the other direction. But I'm so screwed up emotionally from this girl that I don't know if I have the willpower to say no when she comes calling back. I still want to f*ck her brains out when I catch her scent. I was completely violated by this girl on an emotional level but miss the euphoric high so bad... nothing else seems to replace it. I've been out with a couple of other girls since we broke up and things just aren't the same anymore.
As early as last week, she showed up to work with a black eye and started telling me how horrible her weekend was. She clearly isn't done playing games with me despite doing my best to stay in NC and improve myself as a person. I feel like I am absolutely helpless to get the distance I need to recover. I almost feel like I have no choice but to quit my job and the excellent career I have built for myself at a young age. My work is suffering in quality, and my heart starts racing when I hear her distinct footsteps walking behind me even though I refuse to turn around and look at her.
This all sounds pretty pathetic, but after reading some other BPD related posts and how other people have been emotionally raped by these sick people, it really made me realize that I'm not alone in this. I just don't know how to handle this work situation. NC is obviously the way to go, but it feels impossible due to her not allowing me to have any true distance from her by constantly walking behind me and physically prodding me at work (i.e. turning my seat around to talk to her)... essentially keeping tabs on her toy she has put up for a while until she's ready to take it out and play with it again.
Do I start looking for another job? Pray that she gets fired (she is taking a LOT of time off and isn't exactly great at what she does)? Sack up and go hardcore NC to the point of being unprofessional? After a lot of thought, I believe if I can conjure up the willpower, perhaps just being flat-out boring to her would be the best course of action until she loses interest completely. But I have to do something... anything... to regain the confidence I had before she destroyed it.