Still hung up on ex: Help!

[ZeeOwl]

OK, first of all guys, kindly do not blast me for oneitis. I know it's bad, but I can't help feeling what I feel.

Background info:
I'm a divorced 40-year-old with 3 kids. The break-up was a mutual decision, 7 years ago. A year later, I started dating. About 2 years after my divorce, I met a woman who I dated for 5 months (we actually lived together for most of that). She broke it off. Since then, I've been in 2 other relationships. A friend/lover one for 6 months, and an LTR (3 1/2 years, lived together 2 1/2). I broke up with my latest gf partly because of personality differences, but mostly because the relationship was too low-key for my needs. We're on good terms, and still see each other occasionally. I broke up with the preceding one because she had some major personality issues which I got sick of dealing with. I've been single for 3 months now. Been dating a bit, met several interesting ladies, but no-one that really lights my fire.

I've been a big-time pro AFC my entire life, up until a few months ago when I started reading this board, and even bought David D's DYD eBook two weeks ago. So I'm starting to see the light. And the error of my former ways... Boy do I ever! lol For the past few weeks, since I started dating again, I've been wondering why I don't feel attraction for any of the women I've met, and especially why there was no major flame in either of my two preceding relationships.

While watching some old home movies with my kids this weekend, it hit me... I think I'm still in love with my ex from 5 years ago. The one that dumped me; ya, I know, looks like an ego thing. Maybe partly, but there's much more to it than that. Looking at the tapes just brought the old feelings right back. I was madly in love with this woman, and I think the feeling was mutual. I basically would have done anything to make her happy, coupled with my natural AFC wussy tendencies... Well, you get the picture. To complicate things, she had some big-time behavior and childhood/life-experience issues (so did I, though to a much lesser extent). I'm aware that she's not ideal relationship material. I don't care; call me crazy if you want.

The breakup was really messy. She's the type that deals with pain from failed relationships by going into "hate mode". Toning that down a bit for me is the fact that I'm not her latest ex (she's had at least 3 bf's since). The latest is always the worst. I think the reasons for her dumping me are the following:
A) My totally inadequate DJ skills. I was totally AFC with her, and since this had worked for me in the past, I was oblivious to it.
B) Made a few dumb relationship gaffes (though she made a few herself).
C) Because of the many abusive relationship experiences she'd had, and that I was treating her way better than anyone had before, she felt smothered and like a fish out of water. She of course was not used to this kind of behavior from a guy (she'd always dated macho rocker types). She liked "Mr. Nice Guy" at first, but not for long...
D) Her self-esteem was pretty low (she knew she had low market value, because of her issues and current life conditions), so I think she was afraid that I would eventually dump her. Solution: dump me first. Actually, now that I look back, she set me up with a major test just before we broke up, and I failed it miserably.

So, to get to the point now... I would like to take a shot at getting back together with her. I know this is a near-lost cause. But I don't mind. I want to do it, and I want to give it my best shot. That's why I'm asking for input/advice/pointers from you guys. If it doesn't work, at least I will have tried, and it won't be because I went about it wrong. What makes the initial approach a little difficult is that I haven't spoken to her since we broke up. I wrote to her 3 times, twice shortly after the breakup, and once about 6 months ago. She only answered the second letter, sort of... "Bumping into each other accidentally" would be nearly impossible, as we live nearly an hour from each other, and don't hang in the same social circles. Besides, she doesn't go out much, as she's more family oriented (has kids full-time).

So, what say ye? I need ideas for the initial approach, and how to handle re-building rapport and trust. I've changed quite a bit over the last 5 years, and am aware that she likely has too. I think I can handle keeping Mr. Nice Guy under control. I don't know if she's single or not at the moment.

 

[bludb0i]

well im not real experienced with the stuff you are going thru. sounds hard ytho but if you want to try to get back with her i suggest talking to her strait up like over the phone or something cause letters take time and the wait is horrible. i wouldn't come on too strong just get to hanging out and all and see if the way u changed and how she changed will work out. to wat i see is you aint got nothin to lose give it a shot see wat happens. hope this helps thats the best i can do for ya.

 

[Starman]

why would you want a girl like this back in your life? are u a glutton for pain and misery?

look at the facts: You did everything in your power to see to it that she is happy..and she dumped YOU??

what does that say about HER? That she prefer the company of someone who gives her pain, misery, unhappiness vs. someone that would do anything for her and improve her life

she sounds like a real winner.

My only advice is (if you are going to do this anyway)

you need to

#1 find a way to talk to her .. either on phone or email

#2 You need to reverse that "hate/mistrust" impression she has of you

To do this .. you need to start subtley reminding her of all the happy times she had when she was with you..if you have a photo of you 2 together having fun and laughing..send her the photo and say "hey ! remember this photo?"

You need to find out what initially had her attracted to you (was it intelligence? funny? sex appeal?) and hit her with whatever it was 1000 fold

you need to make her laugh..make her remember the good times and cloud any bad thoughts she has of you

you could even send her the video..tell her one of your kids mentioned her name the other day..and you thought about her..and thought it would be fun to send her the video as a momento..

get creative..

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by Starman
why would you want a girl like this back in your life? are u a glutton for pain and misery?

lol That's funny, because I remember she asked me that while we were dating. Her actual words were (from French) "You like trouble don't you?". I just smiled like it was a cute but silly remark. As to the why I would want her back; because the chemistry between us was fantastic. The best I've ever had. I know it doesn't make logical sense. But I'm not trying to be logical here. And as to her "dark side", I think I could handle her now. I think I can control my AFC urges, and keep her in check when necessary. I've learned a lot from experience and this site.

look at the facts: You did everything in your power to see to it that she is happy..and she dumped YOU??

what does that say about HER? That she prefer the company of someone who gives her pain, misery, unhappiness vs. someone that would do anything for her and improve her life

It says that she's an illogical female. Please correct me if I got this wrong, but one of the recurring themes I've picked up here and elsewhere is: give a woman everything she wants, and she will either bleed you dry or dump you. #2 is precisely what happened (#1 with my ex-wife ). Apparently I've been "lucky" with my LTRs, because I happened to stumble upon women who wanted a "Nice Guy". But, also apparently, those are pretty rare.

#1 find a way to talk to her .. either on phone or email

That's my main problem. She doesn't have eMail (that I know of). How would you go about calling a woman you haven't spoken to in 5 years without it feeling very awkward, or coming across as a needy AFC? Any suggestions here would be appreciated, especially from anyone who has actually done something like this. Keep in mind that this woman has been burned badly in the past, so her shield will be at 200% (She'll probably tell me she has a bf). Also, as I mentioned before, I don't know if she's single at the moment. Ya, I know, mighty complex situation... Oh, one thing that might make a difference; she knows about my (former) LTR gf, but doesn't know that we broke up.

#2 You need to reverse that "hate/mistrust" impression she has of you

To do this .. you need to start subtley reminding her of all the happy times she had when she was with you..if you have a photo of you 2 together having fun and laughing..send her the photo and say "hey ! remember this photo?"

you need to make her laugh..make her remember the good times and cloud any bad thoughts she has of you

you could even send her the video..tell her one of your kids mentioned her name the other day..and you thought about her..and thought it would be fun to send her the video as a momento..

get creative..

This is great. Thanks. I unfortunately don't have any photos from the time we were together. Only the video. I think I could find a non-awkward way to write a cute innocent note to accompany it. Do you think that this would be a good initial approach as is, or would calling her first (or afterwards) still be recommended? If so, see questions above...

You need to find out what initially had her attracted to you (was it intelligence? funny? sex appeal?) and hit her with whatever it was 1000 fold

What initially had her attracted to me, IMHO, was mostly that I actually listened to her, and was nice and understanding. I didn't judge her because of her messy background, or her current "low market value". In other words, I actually cared about her as a person, and wasn't looking at her as just a female to use as a sperm depository. I don't think she'd ever been treated that way by a guy before, and that threw her off balance. To a lesser extent my intelligence, and some physical attraction. But after a while, I think that my approach backfired because it:
A) Made her freak out, as she wasn't capable of dealing with this.
B) Once the initial fairy-tale feeling wore off, I got an AFC label stamped on my forehead, and this isn't what her sub-concious (and possibly even concious) female mind wants.
So I'm not sure that the Mr. Nice Guy approach would be a good one for round two, especially at 1000 fold! lol But maybe I was just going about it in the wrong way... If so, please insert wisdom here.

 

[Starman]

there is no chmistry..or logic..you are thinking with your c0ck..

Stop trying to be this chick Knight n Shining armour..and stop making it seem as if she was dealt a life of rotten apples and the purpose of your life is to "save" her..

She doesnt want to be saved..she had her chance and demonstrated this to you

some people enjoy the misery they create for themselves

and lastly..do a net search for her name and location (like whowhere.com or 411.com, bigfoot.com)

usually they will find her email for you..or you could pay like $100 to ussearch.com and let them find her for you

If you want a photo..many places can take a Video..and freeze the picture..and print it out..then you can have a photo..and even scan it ..and email the photo to her

but first things first..go be like Ben Stiller from "Something about Mary", find out contact info..if she is involved etc..

then take it from there

 

[DIESEL]

Z

You're trying to go back and try your new DJ skills on a previous failed relationship. I think a lot of newbies think that when they learn the new ways to handle women.

Here's a tip: don't waste your time. It's not really going to change her opinion of you, and possibly by being around her you will MOST DEFINITELY LAPSE into your old mega-AFC ways again.

In fact, this whole post is mega-AFC. Think about, you're still frustrated over being dumped, and you are most definitely a mega-chump for even thinking of submitting yourself or your kids to this nutjob again.

Stop being such a tool and use your new skills to get you some new, baggage-free pvssy.

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by Starman
there is no chmistry..or logic..you are thinking with your c0ck..

I beg to differ here. I admit the sex was great. But it has been with every gf I've had except the latest, so that's not an issue with me. Actually, it was even better with my ex-wife, but there's no way I would want to get back with her, for a multitude of reasons. Chemistry is a much vaster experience for me, of which sex is only a part. I'm not 20 anymore, I know the difference.

Stop trying to be this chick Knight n Shining armour..and stop making it seem as if she was dealt a life of rotten apples and the purpose of your life is to "save" her..

She doesnt want to be saved..she had her chance and demonstrated this to you

I have no intention of doing that. Sold the horse, scrapped the armour. Primo, been there, done that too many times in the past. Too much time and energy for too little end result. It had worked for me (got my 1st gf, my ex-wife, & her that way). But I'm done with it now. She was the last one I used that approach on, and that was 5 years ago. Secundo, it's also obvious to me now that she doesn't want to be saved, as you say. Figured that out a few months after our breakup...

Actually she did start out life on a few rotten apples. Honestly, so did I... But I understand now that her past has nothing to do with me; it's her responsibility to deal with it. I have enough dealing with mine.

some people enjoy the misery they create for themselves

100% agree with this statement. She had this issue big-time. I don't know about now, but I certainly intend to find out.

and lastly..do a net search for her name and location (like whowhere.com or 411.com, bigfoot.com)

usually they will find her email for you..or you could pay like $100 to ussearch.com and let them find her for you

Well, I already have her snail-mail address and her phone number. I could always try and trace an eMail, if she has one. In your humble opinion, which is better?

If you want a photo..many places can take a Video..and freeze the picture..and print it out..then you can have a photo..and even scan it ..and email the photo to her

I can print frames from video myself (I'm on Mac ). Is there any particular advantage to one or the other (video or photo)?

but first things first..go be like Ben Stiller from "Something about Mary", find out contact info..if she is involved etc..

then take it from there

Didn't see that movie. Is there anything in it which could be of use to me? I'll rent it if it's not chick-flic crap... I still run into her dad from time to time (he always liked me a lot; thought I was the best bf she ever had), so I can find out if she's single from him.

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by DIESEL
Z

You're trying to go back and try your new DJ skills on a previous failed relationship. I think a lot of newbies think that when they learn the new ways to handle women.

Here's a tip: don't waste your time. It's not really going to change her opinion of you, and possibly by being around her you will MOST DEFINITELY LAPSE into your old mega-AFC ways again.

In fact, this whole post is mega-AFC. Think about, you're still frustrated over being dumped, and you are most definitely a mega-chump for even thinking of submitting yourself or your kids to this nutjob again.

Stop being such a tool and use your new skills to get you some new, baggage-free pvssy.

Your whole post makes tons of logical sense. And rationally, I'm forced to agree with you. I admit that I am a bit frustrated about being dumped (though much less than I was shortly afterwards). But there is a lot more to it than that.

I know it sounds crazy. But I think this whole "what could have been" scenario is hurting me right now. It hurt my 2 last relationships, and it's crippling my dating now. I've got to get this out of my system. So the best way I've figured out to do that (knowing my particular psyche) is to either get it back, or break it completely. If I don't try, I'll just keep wondering... I realize that the chances of this actually working are probably less than 5%. I still want to go at it with the best tools I can get my hands on though because:
A) Maybe I'll beat the odds.
B) If I fail, I won't then be stuck with the thought that I did because I went about it wrong again, and end up right back where I am now.

If she's too stupid to see a great deal when she see's one, then it's her loss. I wasn't such a great catch back then, but I am now. So if she axes me again, I'll know for sure that it's because of her issues only, not my AFCness. My kids are likely never going to get wind of this, as I realize it's unlikely to work. And I'm certainly not going to tell them about it unless it works out. I've had 2 gf's (to their knowledge) since I divorced their mom, and I plan on keeping that number as low as possible. I can deal with nut-cases, I'm a bit of one myself. For the record, she was actually great with my kids. Was on her best behavior when they were around. It's more her's I'm worried about (they were heart-broken when we split up)... But thanks for the warning about relapsing. I had thought of that, but I'll be extra careful.

 

[DIESEL]

Z

What I don't get is why you are even asking us for advice on this one. It seems obvious you are just fishing for someone to tell you what you want to hear. i.e. "go call her"

hey, personally, I think it's a really dumb move, and not really going to change anything, but hey, like you said, you ARE a glutton for punishment.

knock yourself out champ!

D

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by DIESEL
Z

What I don't get is why you are even asking us for advice on this one. It seems obvious you are just fishing for someone to tell you what you want to hear. i.e. "go call her"

OK, maybe my original request wasn't clear enough. My question was not "Should I do this?", it was "What is the best way to go about this?". I have no experience with this type of situation. I've never tried getting back with an ex before. I've never had an ex that I might want back. Notice I said "might". One of my goals here is to find out what she's learned in the past 5 years.

hey, personally, I think it's a really dumb move, and not really going to change anything, but hey, like you said, you ARE a glutton for punishment.

knock yourself out champ!

D

You may be right about it being a dumb move. What's the worst that can happen? She'll blow me off... I can handle that. At least that will settle it once and for all. I think that doing nothing is not going to change anything.

 

[DIESEL]

Z

I thought I was very clear in saying DO NOT DO IT.

The jist of my point is that this is all in the past. Leave it there. As to the other stuff, they are lame justifications.... so whatever, just go ahead and do it if you are so hell bent on it.

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by DIESEL
Z

I thought I was very clear in saying DO NOT DO IT.

The jist of my point is that this is all in the past. Leave it there. As to the other stuff, they are lame justifications.... so whatever, just go ahead and do it if you are so hell bent on it.

Why am I getting the impression that you think this is a bad idea?

I respect your opinion. I know "just forget her" would be the best solution. I've tried that, but it obviously hasn't worked too well for me since I'm still thinking about her 5 years and 2 relationships later. I'll keep you posted, and promise not to get myself messed up too bad.

So to all you DJs and DJs in training out there. Any input about similar situations would be appreciated, good or bad. What you did, and how it turned out. Initial approach is mostly what has me stumped. Once I get her talking, I think I can handle it. I really like Starman's photo idea. Any other suggestions?

 

[Starman]

I really want you to do this and report back to the forum with the results..

it would be useful info to either confirm or discredit DJ philosophy

but again you are jumping ahead of yourself..find out as much info as to her whereabouts first

Like I said..there are "net detectives" on the internet that can find the info you want for a small fee

try whowhere.com first

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by Starman
I really want you to do this and report back to the forum with the results..

it would be useful info to either confirm or discredit DJ philosophy

but again you are jumping ahead of yourself..find out as much info as to her whereabouts first

Wow, the first person here who actually wants me to get my balls handed to me on a platter! lol Jokes aside, even if this works, I don't think it would discredit DJ philosophy, as most of it has helped me a lot so far. And all laws of nature see the occasional exception.

Like I said..there are "net detectives" on the internet that can find the info you want for a small fee

try whowhere.com first

Well, as I mentioned, I already have her snail-mail address and phone number. I can find out if she's single from her dad. What else should I find out first?

 

[ZeeOwl]

Come on guys... Is Starman the only one here who wants to help me get creamed?

Hello.... Anyone?....

Or have I stepped into DJ-tabooland? Broken one of the commandments of Suave... "Thou shall not attempt to seduce thou ex"

I'm looking for stories from anyone who's attempted this. How they went about it. What happened...

And alternate ideas for initial approach. I want options.

 

[Leykis]

Here is what will happen if you try to get back with this chick:

If you are firmly planted in your new DJ mindset (which I highly doubt considering it hasnt been very long since you found this site) it will be possible for you to bang her again. She will initally find you irresistable.

Then she will try to get you back into your AFC ways. Which for many a pour soul on this site is exactly what happens when they try to get back with their ex.

So you are left with a choice become an AFC or dump her because she will definitely not accept having a real relationship with you as a DJ. While your skills will initially work on her and she will want to get back together she will not be confortable with you as a DJ for long. Chicks like this need to go through the drama of hooking a guy, turining him into a AFC basketcase, and dumping him for the next victim. This cycle will repeat.

So if you want to hook up once or twice it is possible, but most people in pursuit of this effort fall back into AFC mode and pay the price.

Think of how you felt when she dumped you last time and ask yourself is any b1tch worth that agian. Because the numbers predict that history will repeat itself.

 

[Starman]

Leykis has good points..

I will tell you 2 expeiences I have had with this

Girl #1 .. I dated for a year..she was in college , 21 , bright eyed and ambitious..she dumped me saying I was too immature..(haha)..I was depressed for like 2 months..and I didnt know why..because I knew I was waaay better than her in every aspect

Forward 1 year..I bump into her..and noticed any feeling I had for her was GONE..she was actually churning my stomache..and I even banged her a few times and lead her on for revenge..but I clearly didnt want anything more..

SHE DID...she went AFC and said what a mistake she made..and I was the BEST guy she has ever met!

too late..I was no longer interested..and I think my words, aloofness, and actions conveyed this to her


Girl #2

I was also head over heels..I was nuts about her..I got dumped because I went AFC on her..After 8 months..I tried to call her and hang with her in the guise of "friendship" but I really wanted her back..

She sniffed my actions and behavior towards her..and she started treating me like I was the AFC chump I was..wouldnt return calls, wouldnt remember my Bday, always was "busy"

So the saying may be true..once you COMPLETELY forget about her..she will sense this and come crawling back

but if she sniffs one little microscopic ounce of AFC left in you (i.e. contacting her to say HELLO!)

she will know you arent a changed man..and still wound up around her little fingers

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by Leykis
If you are firmly planted in your new DJ mindset (which I highly doubt considering it hasnt been very long since you found this site) it will be possible for you to bang her again.

Honestly no. I don't feel really solid in my DJ skills yet. I'm just starting out. Need more practice.

Then she will try to get you back into your AFC ways. Which for many a pour soul on this site is exactly what happens when they try to get back with their ex.

Warning noted.

Chicks like this need to go through the drama of hooking a guy, turining him into a AFC basketcase, and dumping him for the next victim. This cycle will repeat.

That's some pretty perceptive insight. Very close to what happened, except that I went from Mr. Nice Guy to AFC-basketcase. Of course one of the things I'd do if I actually go through with this is check her out and try and determine if she seems to have learned anything over the past 5 years. I sure have. I'm hoping she has too. Even though she was/is a bit of a nut-case, I know she's also very intelligent, so maybe she matured?... Hitting 40 can do strange things to women.

Think of how you felt when she dumped you last time and ask yourself is any b1tch worth that agian.

I remember very well how I felt. I was an emotional wreck for 7 months. Definitely not interested in feeling like that ever again. Though at the risk of sounding conceited, I don't think she could do that to me a second time no matter how hard she'd try. I'm not saying I would be indifferent, just that she couldn't turn me into Jello anymore because:
A) I know a lot more about women's games and manipulation now. At the time, I was a totally clueless Nice Guy, and took everything she said/did at face value. The girlfriend I had right after this one was a manipulation/gaming queen. I figured her out, and dumped her because I just got sick of it.
B) I did a lot of introspection in the year following our breakup. I figured her out pretty well. I know what to expect before getting emotionally involved. It was Terra Incognita the first time. I think I could handle her now. I figured out where I messed up too. Not talking AFC stuff here, just some stupid stunts that were obvious to me even back then.

 

[ZeeOwl]

Originally posted by Starman
I was depressed for like 2 months..and I didnt know why..because I knew I was waaay better than her in every aspect

Boy does that sound familiar. Same here, except 7 months.

So the saying may be true..once you COMPLETELY forget about her..she will sense this and come crawling back

but if she sniffs one little microscopic ounce of AFC left in you (i.e. contacting her to say HELLO!)

she will know you arent a changed man..and still wound up around her little fingers

OK, so sending the photo/video is not such a hot idea finally?... Got any other suggestions? Because "accidentally" bumping into her would be a fluke of destiny. The only common place we go to is the mall, and she's there like 5 or 6 times a year. I'd have to get a job there.

 

[Starman]

I dont recommend sending the photo in snail mail..see if you can find her email..because even with snail mail..there is no guarantee she will respond to you

this is a really awkward situation..because you want to make it seem like you made no effort to track her down...as if you have no interest in her..but just happened to get in touch with her ..

Like I said..Ive called my ex's before..and they immediately knew something was funny when I called..

Try to get creative..I have wracked my brains and cant come up with any way to do this without looking like an AFC trying to regress to the past..or looking desperate..

The running into her would be perfect..

if you really have your mind set out to do this..Im sure you can make the effort to find out where she will be at a certain time