stay friends with ppl that might have cheated?

[ne0phyte]

so this might be a little off topic. basically, i think two of my friends hooked up with each other, which isn't a problem, except one of them has a boyfriend. In my final semester of my master's program, my guy friend got really close with my female friend that was in a relationship. whereas our entire group used to do projects together, they kind of split off and did stuff on their own.

the rest of us didn't think too much of it, since we were more focused on graduating. but after graduation, we were making plans for a party, and we were saying its sad how the girl wouldn't be here, since it was her anniversary w her bf. she said she wasn't planning to go see him. none of us wanted to pry so we didn't comment on that.

meanwhile, my guy friend and the girl seemed chummy as ever. that's when my gut started telling me something was up. ultimately, the girl did go see her bf, and guess what? after she came back into town, those two never hung out anymore. i tried to ask the girl's best friend if she knew why the girl didn't want to originally go see her bf, and she nervously/agitatedly said she didn't know anything (clearly lying to protect her). my guy friend rarely talks about her, and when i bring her up, he said one time "I'm glad i don't have to see her that often anymore". I asked the girl with the bf about what happened, and she said she felt bad about going to see her bf bc she "didn't treat him well" this semester. that was all she would say. I'm clearly not gonna get a straight answer out of them.

why this sucks for me is because i feel like i'm caught up in between. they both still talk to me pretty often and want me to hang out with them (although separately now) but with me suspecting they hooked up, it just makes things awkward.

i asked one of my buddies about what i thought happened, and he told me he doubts that they hooked up. the girl is a hottie, and my guy friend is a natural afc (guess who takes her to the train station when she leaves to see her bf, and he buys her lunch and dinner too).

finally, why this bothers me is I can't stand cheating. I wouldn't do it, and i would lose respect for my friends that knowingly did. personally i look for loyalty, trust, and character in friendships. a friend who cheats nullifies those qualities. If i knew they did it, it would be easy for me to cut ties, but since i'm left wondering, it feels like i'm stuck in limbo in terms of my social circle.

 

[SgtSplacker]

I would try minding my own business bud. Leave the gossip and drama to the females...

 

[ne0phyte]

oh I get that. it's just that not knowing is making balancing my friendships with them hard for me. for instance, just last week, the girl texts that we're all meeting at up at the bar. I show up, my guy friend in question isn't there. I shoot him a text, he says he wasn't invited. I ask the girl why she didn't tell him, and she says, "I didn't think he wanted to come". in fact, i'm the only one that still hangs out with him. it's like everyone else had picked sides, but I'm stuck in the middle because I did mind my own business and don't know anything. I guess this was more of a rant than anything, but still, it's just a situation I've never had to deal with until now

 

[SgtSplacker]

When I am caught in between there are two things I have to remind myself.

1) If you take sides and your friends resolve their differences they will not forgive you like they forgave each other.

2) As a friend your only concern should be their well being and your friendship that's it.

I try my best to stay out of this stuff, the only thing I will actively do is just try not to cause conflicts by inviting two people that hate each other to the same event.

If they ask me about each other i'll tell them I will not talk sh!t and the same way that I defend the other person I will defend them. People usually understand and stop pressing you.

 

[PDubb75]

I think your best bet is to flat out say to him "What happened with you two all of the sudden? I feel like I'm being forced to choose sides between you two, and I have no idea why."

It's ridiculous for you to need to know when or when not to invite someone to something when you don't even know the reasons behind it.

Plus, it's in their best interest to at least tell you something. What if you went to that bar with your friend that night not knowing he wasn't invited? Then both of them have an awkward, uncomfortable night, and blame you for making it that way when you had no idea.

Sometimes you need to mind your own business, but in this case, it's turning into your business whether you like it or not. Or at least will, at some point.

Maybe you don't ask for exact details on what happened, but you need to at least understand their relationship now and how it affects your involvement with them.

 

[ne0phyte]

thank you pdubb, you get why it was bothering me. it's technically none of my business, but by putting me in the middle and not telling me why, they made my business, esp. now that I have to think about who to invite when I wanna do stuff. it's so b.s. for me since I'm not the one that did anything. I'm gonna talk to my friend about it, but I dunno if he'll tell me. if he did hookup with her, it would make sense that he wouldn't admit it to anyone, even though i'm his only close friend at this point.

Sgtsplacker, you're right about choosing sides in these types of things. I don't plan on doing that. it's just right now, whichever person I hang out with, I know they're keeping something from me. it's obvious something happened, whether they hooked up, or had a falling out, or whatever. it's just like pdubb said, it's not fair for me to deal with the fallout of being stuck in the middle, when I don't even know what's going on. that's why in my original post I was debating even bothering to stay good friends with them. both sides clearly want me with them, but without trusting to tell me why? not exactly a compelling reason for me to do so.

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

thank you pdubb, you get why it was bothering me. it's technically none of my business, but by putting me in the middle and not telling me why, they made my business, esp. now that I have to think about who to invite when I wanna do stuff. it's so b.s. for me since I'm not the one that did anything. I'm gonna talk to my friend about it, but I dunno if he'll tell me. if he did hookup with her, it would make sense that he wouldn't admit it to anyone, even though i'm his only close friend at this point.

Any friend who doesn't tell you every intimate detail of their sex life isn't a true friend at all.

Okay, I'm turning off the sarcasm. I just don't see the big deal. Two adults hook up, or whatever, then they stop talking. You can still hang with your friends...just probably not all in the same group.

I'm not even sure how you'd be choosing sides. Are they calling you up, talking sh!t about each other? Or are they just simply not hanging out at the same parties or events?

It's college, man. 90% of these people are gonna separate and go their own paths anyway. Why get all worked up over two people hooking up? Is there an emotional angle here you're not telling us about? Did you want the girl? Are you jealous of the guy?

I've been in your situation before, in my college days. And I felt the same way as you. Mostly out of jealousy of my good friend hooking up with yet another hot girl that was in our social group. But if I could go back in time and have a chat with my 21-year-old self, I'd tell him what I told you.

I can understand your dilemma. But it's a minor nuisance. It's like, "I'm having a party and I'm not sure if I should invite Jenny or Mike since they're fighting. Ah f**k it, I'll invite them both and let THEM worry about it." Like I said, not a big deal.

 

[ne0phyte]

ah, the experience that comes with age. thanks for sharing your take mantis. but it's like pdubb said, telling me enough about what's going on would make things a lot easier for me to deal with. u asked how am i caught up in the middle, well they ask about each other through me, since they know i'm the only one out of our group that talks to both. and they do talk crap about each other.

for instance, just last week, i caught up with my guy friend, and he asks what the girl has been up to. i tell him something funny/stupid that she did, he tells me she's a "dumb b1tch". never since I've known him have i heard him call anyone a dumb b1tch. so that's what i mean by its awkward hanging out with them and not knowing what went down. little things like that obviously signal something happened, but i don't know why at this point.

why do i care so much? i think you're right, there is an emotional angle. my story is a lot like yours except it's more about shattered perceptions of my friends then just jealousy. i thought i knew them both pretty well. yeah, the girl is a hottie, but i've seen her turn down so many drinks from good-looking dudes trying to hit on her at bars. my guy friend, is 100% afc. he's a cool genuine guy, but he has no idea how to talk to girls. i haven't even seen him get a number over these past 2 years.

so imagine my surprise after this fallout happened, after seeing them get close this last semester. my gut tells me they hooked up from their actions, but u can see how that would shatter everything. the hottie who wouldn't cheat, but could cheat with anyone she wanted, cheats with the afc? or conversely, the afc who can't get a number manages to steal a hottie away from her bf? it's one thing if he was the suave natural dj type. yeah, i'd be jealous, but at least it would make sense to me. add on top of that the BS that i've had to deal with due to their fallout, and you can see why it's bothering me so much.

but ultimately, i know you're right. looking back on this in a few years, this will be very insignificant. we'll all go our separate ways.i'm planning to move after my internship ends next year. it just sucked that my social circle broke down like this