Spinning plates is NOT the sollution

[Desire]

I had this post in Don Juan discussion forum earlier today, but I post in this forum instead, due to older age and more experience.

Spinning plates is NOT the sollution

The community says to cure oneitis you must spin plates. Pook recommends that you must have several girls in your head at once so you don't become needy. Having one girl in your head means that you begin to act like an afc, he claims.

To spin more plates is not the cure of an afc behaviour. The thougt of that as a cure is due to the dysfunctional dating scene and society we live in. Almost everybody are inflicted by this disease. Therefore we have grown wrong methods in relationships. The methods does work though, but the setting and outcome is wrong.

So what is this disease? It's called love addiction and millions are afflicted by it. The love addiction makes you act like an afc. A Love Addict seeks to enmesh, to blend into another person. Underneath all of this is both a fear of abandonment and a fear of healthy intimacy, even if they pretend to look for it. The respond to this love addiction is love avoidance. When you begin to act needy and afc the girl withdraw. You are addicted to what the girl can give you, either love or se(x).

Love avoidance is the systematic putting up of walls in a relationship to prevent feeling emotionally overwhelmed by another person. Consequently, it prevents true intimacy. It can be described as a form of emotional anorexia. The love avoidant perceives love as being an obligation or duty, so relationships are experienced as an emotional drain. The love avoidant tends to become involved with love addicts, and puts up walls to decrease the intensity within the relationship. However, the more the avoidant distances, the more the love addict pursues.


Why are you addicted? Because you did not get enough attention during your childhood. The craving after love and attention continues in adult life.

Here are typical symptoms of love addiction:

Lack of nurturing and attention when young
Feeling isolated, detached from parents and family
Compartmentalization of relationships from other areas of life
Outer facade of "having it all together" to hide internal disintegration
Mistake intensity for intimacy (drama driven relationships)
Hidden Pain
Seek to avoid rejection and abandonment at any cost
Afraid to trust anyone in a relationship
Inner rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment
Depressed
Highly manipulative and controlling of others
Perceive attraction, attachment, and sex as basic human needs, on a par with food and water
Sense of worthlessness without a relationship or partner
Feelings that a relationship makes one whole, or more of a man or woman
Escalating tolerance for high-risk behavior
Intense need to control self, others, circumstances
Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems
Insatiable appetite in area of difficulty (sex, love or attachment / need.)
Using others, sex & relationships to alter mood or relieve emotional pain
Continual questioning of values and lifestyle
Driven, desperate, frantic personality
Confusion of sexual attraction with love ("Love" at first sight.)
Tendency to trade sexual activity for "love" or attachment
Existence of a secret "double life"
Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem
Defining out-of-control behavior as normal
Defining "wants" as "needs"
Tendency to leave one relationship for another. (Inability to be without a relationship.)
Attempts to replace lost relationships with a new one immediately

Love addiction is often perceived to be "less serious" than other process addictions i.e. compulsive sexual addictions, eating disorders or self-harm / mutilation addictions. Perhaps because it sounds "softer." In reality it is extremely painful and can be very dangerous to both the addict and their partners. Many suicides, murders, stalkings, rapes and other crimes of passion have their roots in this addiction. Our culture has traditionally glorified love addiction with the notion that we fall in love and live "happily ever after." This ignores the groundwork that relationships require. Many love relationships depicted in the media are really love addicted relationships.

So what is the cure for this? Many things, but you will find out more by reading about it. I recommend these two books:

http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Love-Ad.../dp/0062506048

and

http://www.amazon.com/Taming-Your-Ou...3122201&sr=1-1

So the sollution is NOT spinning plates, but rather cure your love addiction.

 

[PDubb75]

Unfortunately I don't have the time to write too much here right now. But, I see where you are coming from. With that being said, I don't agree with you (in all cases).

There is a big difference between being "ready" for a serious LTR and being "scared" of one. I think a big determining factor there is age and experience. According to your post, gaining that experience itself is what you are referring to as a disease. In many cases, I simply don't understand how that is an issue that needs to be cured. We spend time with different people in order to find out what we like, and what we want in life. That is what it takes. I don't believe we inherently know exactly what we want in a woman. I thought I knew when I was in my LTR. I now know, whether it's because I have changed, or just hadn't experienced enough, that I want much more than that relationship was giving me. But I don't know exactly what that means at this point. So, my plan now is to find different girls I can spend my time with. Experience what they each have to offer, and decide what I like and what I don't. I don't want to spend another few years with one person to just find out yet again that she doesn't give me what I am looking for in a serious relationship.

I think it is wrong to make the accusation that what I just described is a disease needing to be cured. I don't have any "mommy and daddy issues", need for high-risk behavior, needs to be controlling, trust issues, or anything else in that extensive list. I simply want to gain life experiences while finding out what kind of person I want to spend my life with.

This reminds me of the "webMD" phenomenon. Just because something is true for some people, does not make it fact. Diagnosing people with no individual knowledge of a situation is a dangerous thing.

 

[backbreaker]

lolwrongforum

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Don't think of plate theory as a filter so much as it is a means to reinforce confidence. If you were to step into the ring with a professional UFC fighter right now it'd probably be suicide for you. But train for a few years, spar with other fighters and win a few bouts and you'll probably be confident enough in your past performances that you know you can hold your own in the ring. That's the idea, confidence derived from the options of non-exclusive women in hand and from having successfully generated those options in the past.

It's not a numbers game, it's a non-exclusivity game. The goal isn't racking up as many women as humanly possible in order to sift through the throng and find that one little golden flower. In fact that's the key to disaster. There is no Quality Woman, that's an idealization. Some are better than others of course, but you don't find the perfect woman, you make the perfect woman. There is no needle in the haystack - that is Scarcity / ONEitis thinking - the point is to mold yourself and any woman who you do exclusively end up with into your own frame. This is a process that should come before you commit to exclusivity, not after. The world is filled with guys forever trying to catch up, control the frame and be the Man they should've been long before they entered an LTR. They spend the better part of their LTRs/Marriages trying to prove that they deserve their GFs respect when they'd have done better in letting her come to that conclusion well before the commitment through a healthy dose of competition anxiety.

 

[The_411]

Spinning plates is to make sure you're experiening variety and seeing how you interact with other women and finding out what characteristics you want and those you don't.

It's a simple issue of gaining experience so that when you meet a girl who you think is quality you can make an informed decision if she is worth your time or not.

What you are saying isn't incorrect it's just too much of an assumption as there are plenty of well adjusted people who date and then figure out who they want to be with and who they don't want to be with ...

The bigger problem is entitlement and how screwed men get if they have money and marry someone ...

 

[Zarky]

yawn

10char

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Desire,
of course there is a lot of truth in what you say...but it really only cuts the Mustard in a perfect world....Things being as they are,if your criteria is enjoying minimum commitment,with maximum fun,then spin plates...Other courses just invite State interference,threats to your financial welfare and a cheese paring Svex life.

 

[Colossus]

Spinning Plates kind of gets thrown around here as a blanket answer to mens' problems. Truth be told, there are VERY few men who concurrently sex multiple women. I think it really just means not committing to any one girl, and maintaining (and generating) multiple options.

It's great for giving guys a broader perspective, and building confidence through experience. It is NOT the answer to ONE-itis, or to depression and post-breakup blues. All it would do ---assuming the guy in question is even in a mental state to spin plates---is act as palliative treatment. It does not treat the underlying malady, which is distorted thinking regarding his own self-worth and the mythology of "the one". To change one's thinking takes time, a guide, and diligence.

I also think it's a function of maturity. You'll notice a lot of the older posters here "get it", without ever having gone through a bootcamp or spinning plates.

 

[zekko]

I agree with Colossus that spinning plates is not the cure-all that it is depicted as being here on this forum.
But it does have benefits, most of which have already been discussed in this thread, so I won't repeat them.

 

[Zarky]

Truth be told, there are VERY few men who concurrently sex multiple women.

How do you know? Why would that be the case?

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

It's not about the plates you're concurrently ƒucking. It's about the plates that would like to be ƒucking you.

Confidence is options.

 

[Solomon]

I agree with Colossus that spinning plates is not the cure-all that it is depicted as being here on this forum.
But it does have benefits, most of which have already been discussed in this thread, so I won't repeat them.

Bingo, I agree with the OP to an extend as well as zekko and others here, the biggest thing though like Rollo Said its all about experience and time. When I first came on this site I was spinning plates successful after a couple months, and then I transitioned to a LTR which was a mistake. Spinning plates isn't gonna help your "LTR" game, sure it helps set the frame but an actually LTR is waaaaaaaay more complicated then spinning a plate which might be gone in a month or less

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Solomen,
The more plates you spin,the less attractive a LTR appears...Not only does spinning plates help you handle the ups and downs with your current Leading Lady,it also helps you handle the vagaries of maintaining a sane relationship with your other plates...most problems occur when you react to bad behaviour....most Women being servants to the Moon,are moody Bvitches,the best way to handle this is not to give them as good as they dish out,but to lie back,smile and think of England...If they get too toey you simply withdraw gracefully,pop around to one of your other FB's and let her crawl back to you in a few days....unless she has options,that's exactly what will happen....If she has options,then she will not be interested in what you have on offer long term anyway.

 

[zekko]

The more plates you spin,the less attractive a LTR appears.

Obviously this is going to depend on the individual, but I can't necessarily agree with that. I spun plates for years, but I never found it as satisfying as my LTRs.

I would agree in the sense that spinning plates will make it less likely that you fall into an LTR with just any woman, a woman who doesn't meet your standards.