Spinning plates and the one who might get away

[phloyd]

Ok, heres the deal. The story I'm about to tell is so full of red flags and wrongness that I question my sanity. I know what the right thing to do is-I really do, but sometimes shyt happens and things get confusing.

So I met this girl. Shes a roomate with a coworker of mine and his wife. Before I ever met this girl (lets refer to her as C), my coworker told me stories about her and her sexual escapades. All of which were true btw.
I've been spinning a lot of plates this year and things have been good. I met C a couple of weeks ago for the first time really just to see who this person was that I'd heard all these stories about. I didn't talk to her much at all when we met. It was pretty brief and it was mostly just an introduction as I chatted with my coworker and his wife.
A couple of days later when I got to work my coworker gave me a piece of paper with her phone # that she wanted him to give to me. So I figured what the hell, I can always work another one into the plate spinning rotation.

We (just me and C) ended up hanging out at my house about a week later. We talked and drank beers for about an hour. A little kino here and there and things started happening. We had a pretty heavy makeout session and almost sealed the deal, but she wanted to wait until our 2nd date.

Ok, I'm leaving out some important info. #1 shes only 20 yrs old-I'm 40
#2 shes probably going to be moving a couple of states away in 2 weeks. Her roomates are actually the ones who are moving, but shes just gonna tag along because she has nothing going on here.

I knew all this before I met her so I thought to myself this is perfect. I'll take things for what they are and have fun while I can and thats that.
Problem #3 since shes only going to be here for a short time, I've been seeing her a lot. Our 2nd date was amazing and it's been crazy since then.
I'm finding it hard to keep the other plates spinning. I seem to be thinking about her way too much and getting attatched.

So I guess the point of all this is (gasp) I'm going to see her tonight and I'm thinking of possibly inviting her to move in with me. Don't worry, I know all the possible consequences of doing this, I JUST thinking about it.

I would like to see what some other DJs thought are about this.
I'll keep this updated to see how it all plays out

 

[Vulpine]

Deja Vu.

Are you on the east coast? I just had an uncanny parallel experience to yours.

She's an FB. Let the FB go. Intentionally drop the plate. Run and don't look back on the situation as anything but free booty.

 

[Bonhomme]

Too many blanks are left unfilled. There may be better options than her moving away or moving in with you. Does she have a job? Can she find and afford her own place in your area? Does she even want to stay around? How far is "a couple states away"?

Are you able to afford and do you enjoy an occasional out-of-town trip? If so, a long-distance FB is not a bad thing to have for those times you've no other plates spinning that are worth eating off, so to speak.

 

[legolas]

My friend it appears to me that this has nothing to do with her at all, but with you. How come you find yourself getting attached? Look inside of yourself and figure out the reason why, then you'll know and make a better decision. Maybe you've been having passionless or low intensity sex so far and now here cometh C and boom, you're having fire hot sex and you want more!!! I feel ya buddy.

She's just a fling and there's more of her kind out there. So treat her like a fling. Inviting her home is not going to guarantee fire hot sex daily. In fact you're making the dangerous assumption that people remain the same despite circumstances changing. Do you seriously belive that she won't change once you invite her in your home???

 

[STR8UP]

Are you f-in out of your mind?

#1. She's HALF YOUR AGE. Good for sex and that's about it. You think for one second that she won't leave you for someone who is better looking, more charming, and closer to her age if the opportunity arises?

#2. You have only known her for a couple of weeks and you think it's a good idea to move her into your place? You shouldn't be moving a woman in until you think you are ready to get married (learned this the hard way).

I am in a similar situation except that I'm not attached to the girl. She's 20 and I'm 34. She's WAAAY more into me than I am to her. She would move in with me in half a second if I asked her to. Even if I wanted her to move in I wouldn't let her because I know that I have to take it for what it is- a temporary romp in the sack.

Dude, don't be unfair to her or yourself. She has a lot of life to live without getting tied down to someone who is plenty old enough to be her father.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Her roomates are actually the ones who are moving, but shes just gonna tag along because she has nothing going on here.

This is the operative here. There is no advantage for a man in a living arrangement that you cannot achieve by being single. If you're 40 and you're pulling 20 y.o.s this is as good as it gets, trust me. Moving her in wont make things better; it will make them worse. When you co-habitate you essentially drop all of your plates simultaneously. At 20, she is just entering her party years, don't deny her this, she is not LTR material.

The cure to your dillema is to pay attention to another plate (assuming you really have them as viable options). Have you even tapped this girl yet? She's not some special, unique soulmate - she's a hot piece of ass who's paying attention to a guy 20 years her senior. It's a thrill and a novelty for a girl who only 2 years ago was was dealing with high school guys. My guess is she'd turn down your offer anyway, but even if she did move in with you the novelty will wear off and she'll be out partying with friends within 8 months. There is no 'hapilly ever after' with this girl, but there might be 'sh!t eatin' grin across your 40 y.o. face right now' for you.

If you make this offer to her, the mystery and challenge you represent will be laid bare and she'll perceive you like all the other guys who've done the same thing - making the world a beautiful woman's oyster. Stay a mystery, stay a challenge, maintain your position of maturity. The minute you ask her to move in you admit that you need her more than she needs you (see, The Cardinal Rule of Relationships), and you lose all of the perceptions she previously had of you. You're no longer the older, mature man who gives her tingles because she can't believe her own power to attract a man like you, you become just another guy who wants to put a lock on her pvssy.

 

[Colossus]

Why the hell would you want to live with a girl 20 years your junior?

 

[MacAvoy]

you become just another guy who wants to put a lock on her pvssy.

Your the bomb, where do you come up with these sayings? I love it.



Phloyd, if she's really that great, like Bonhomme said, you don't have to totally give her up. If you can afford to support her living with you, you can afford to go see her once a month for a little bang/get away. That way your still spinning other plates, still are the prize, trust us, you'll thank us later.

You know what you want to do is the wrong move, thats why you gasped at the thought. If you follow through on your desires, your going to be another AFC asking how do I get her back. If you really want to keep her, let her go and bang her on YOUR terms.

 

[phloyd]

Thanks guys I really wanted to hear some different oppinions and they all seem pretty good.
I normally don't get easily attatched to a chick very easy. I think the problem is, since she was moving soon, we pretty much have been seeing each other almost every day. I guess just trying to make the most of what little time we have left. The problem is it seems like some kind of messed up drinking game to see who can last the longest and you try to pretend you're not drunk but you really are. I don't know it's hard to explain.
This girl is pretty hot. Super fit and athletic, but then again, I'm pretty fit too so thats not really an issue. Trust me, I've had some good sex before, but this chick is REALLY GOOD!

So ok, she's going to be here soon so I'll try my best not to do anything stupid. Who knows, maybe by the end of 2 weeks we'll be sick of each other, but I guess at this point, I really wish she would stay.

There's a lot more details I've left out. I'll post an update after our next date.

 

[MacAvoy]

Who knows, maybe by the end of 2 weeks we'll be sick of each other, but I guess at this point, I really wish she would stay.

You seem to understand and know the DJ concepts/principles. But your throwing them out the window. If you spend everyday with her over the next two weeks, its going to reek of desparation. You'll no longer be the prize. You won't be as attractive to her anymore.

Stay busy, don't drop everything for her, she's moving. Why would you drop 3 plates that are going to be around next month for 1 that won't be? This is one of those times that you don't follow your gut. Its time to think logically.

I know, I know, she's a really really good bang. Use that as motivation to not be lazy and find someone else out there that is even better. There is always better out there. Don't get complacent.

 

[phloyd]

Well, we had a good date last night. It was nice and I didn't ask her to stay and move in with me or anything.

Vulpine, I live right in the middle of east and west. I'm not ready just yet to drop this one, but I know it's gonna get dropped.

Bonhomme, she has a job and the place she works is actually letting her transfer to where shes moving (Denver btw, which is about 9 hours away from me). She wants me to come and visit her, but I don't really like doing the long distance thing, even for a weekend hookup type deal. But who knows. I'm still considering all the options.

Legolas, I think you're onto something here. It's been a while since I've had hot passionate sex like this. Combine that with the frequency of it all, and it's easy to get a distorted realistic view of the big picture. You're right though, it's just a fling, nothing more nothing less.

STR8UP said: Dude, don't be unfair to her or yourself. She has a lot of life to live without getting tied down to someone who is plenty old enough to be her father.
This is true. I thought about this last night when we were having pillow talk. I told her I wished she wasn't leaving, but before she could respond, I told her that she needed to go and experience life. I guess the only reason I wanted her to stay is my own selfish desire to "keep her".
She's leaving on the 28th, and I know the best thing to do is just let that bird be free and fly away.

Rollo, Great advice as always. I am spinning other plates (or at least I was 2weeks ago). The main plate I spin is my passion for bicycle racing. Riding and training are actually where most of my free time is spent, so spinning the female plates are not the priority. I'm getting ready to leave in a few hours to go to a big national race. I'll be gone all weekend, so it will be nice to focus on something else and think this whole thing trough some more without seeing her.

MacAvoy, The reason I'm seeing this girl that will only be around 2 more weeks and putting the others that will be here a while on hold is just that. Those other chicks will still be here when C is gone. At least that was my reasoning, but like I said, I'm gonna step away from this for a few days and see what next week brings.

Blusher, I bet if your tennis buddy was a super hot chick, that might change your perspecive some! hehe. I get your point though.

I'm just gonna see how this all plays out I guess and ride the wave as long as it's there so to speak.

 

[Vulpine]

Great!

So long as you KNOW the plate will drop, then, you won't make (undue) efforts to keep it spinning.

Funny thing about women - the "ignore it and it will go away" approach often works in reverse. That is, sometimes the plate spins itself.

A buddy of mine's online alias was "Puntangerang". I thought his definition was genius: It's the box that you keep throwing away and it keeps coming back, like a boomerang.

You might just have a "puntangerang" on your hands.

 

[STR8UP]

This is true. I thought about this last night when we were having pillow talk. I told her I wished she wasn't leaving, but before she could respond, I told her that she needed to go and experience life. I guess the only reason I wanted her to stay is my own selfish desire to "keep her".
She's leaving on the 28th, and I know the best thing to do is just let that bird be free and fly away.

This lesson has struck home with me more and more over the past few years.

Since I hit my 30's I started to realize that stringing a 20-23 yr old along who has hopes of a future with you is just wrong.

My last LTR is a prime example. Even though I made it clear up front that I didn't know IF or WHEN I would be ready to take our relationship to the next level, all I was really doing was dangling a shred of hope in front of her so I could continue to enjoy what we had, even though I knew it would eventually end.

I knew it wouldn't be forever, and even if I TOLD her that straight up to her face I am older and I KNEW that I would still be the a$$hole who wouldn't commit when the sh!t eventually did hit the fan.

Save her the heartache, and save yourself the headache. She will only hear what she WANTS to hear, and it will come back to bite you in the ass eventually.

Enjoy your last couple of weeks with her and then move on. For both of your sake.

 

[phloyd]

Quick Update:
After having some time to think about things last weekend, I feel like I'm able to digest everything more clearly. We've only hung out 2 times this week. All in all though, I feel like I'm going down a road that I've never been on before.
Some of the things that I expected to happen by now (flakey behavior etc,) just haven't happened.
This girl has been nothing but cool to me since we started dating. One example last monday: I got home late sunday and she invited me to dinner at the place where she works. She bought me dinner and beers, and even though she had just worked double shifts for 3 days in a row, she still came over after work and we had another great time together. I could tell she was exhausted, but it was like that was secondary to come and see me.

On a side note about the spinning plates thing. I still talk to the other girls, but I haven't been hanging out with any of them. Some of them have gotten word of C and I'm definatly feeling the pressure and jealousy from some of these other women. I guess somehow whatever happens, it seems like a win win situation, but then again, it's like I said. I've never been in a situation quite like this.

So me and C were talking last thursday about us and the future and possible plans. She may stay with me for another week or so. (she has to be out of the house shes living by the 28th) So I guess I'll just see how things play out. She just called and we're going bike riding. I'm sure we'll discuss things further. I didn't ask her to stay, she says she didn't plan on meeting me and now shes not so sure about wanting to go just yet.

 

[Latinoman]

Deja Vu.

Are you on the east coast? I just had an uncanny parallel experience to yours.

She's an FB. Let the FB go. Intentionally drop the plate. Run and don't look back on the situation as anything but free booty.

I agree 100%.

 

[phloyd]

Update on this situation:

Upon further review, this girl is not just a casual fling or a FB. Anyway, what's gone down in the last few weeks is this. She stayed a bit longer and actually stayed with me the last week she was here.
Everything exceeded any possible expectations that I had thought would or could happen. So, I'm in a situation that I told myself I would never get myself into which is a long distance relationship.

I know most here are going to say I'm an AFC and I have oneitis ETC. ETC.
What I know for a fact is this: In the last 4 years I've met and dated a LOT of women. I've had sex with a LOT of women. Some resulted in a few STR type things, but at the same time, I've been doing what I wanted to do, working on me and my own shortcomings and such. I was happy to improve my life, and things were going good. I didn't expect any of this to happen.

So you tell me. What happens when you're going along, thinking you're doing things the right way now, spinning plates and all, and one just comes along and blows you away?

What then? I'm not saying she's some special soulmate or whatever. Hell, I bet if I drew a circle in a 10 mile radius from where I live right now, there would be a lot more that could work just as well. I know and understand that.

The thing is I guess I'm willing to take a risk on her and see what happens. This girl just fits me. I don't know how else to explain it.

I'm going to visit her this weekend. I realize it's still early on in this whole thing, but I'm excited to see what happens next good or bad.

 

[dietzcoi]

Dead man walking!!

Dammitall, another one is going down right before our eyes.

Big mistake Phloyd... I dated a 21 year old a couple of years ago for six months... BIG MISTAKE!

Dietzcoi

 

[grinder]

phloyd:

You deserve credit for walking (riding, pun intended) into a situation where you obviously know you are going to get a bloody nose. Guess that takes a certain amount of courage.

You already know what's going to happen, the only mystery is how long is it gonna take? Sounds like you are not afraid to take risks. Can you beat the odds, probably not, but trying may be fun.