Eyecandie4ya
Senior Don Juan
This is some very insightful information for those seeking LTR/Marriages:
Finding and Keeping a Life Partner
>
> Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A. a
> relationships coach who lays out his 5 golden rules evaluating the
> prospects of long-term martial success. When it comes to making the
> decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake.
> Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making
> serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss Right!
>
> If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married,
> they'll say: We're in love." I believe this the #1 mistake people make
> when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love.
> Though this may sound, "not politically correct", there's a profound truth
> here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the
> result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the
> love will come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime
> relationship on love alone." You need a lot more!!!
>
> Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about
> finding and keeping a life partner.
> Question #1:
> Do we share a common life purpose?
> Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for
> 20 or 30 years "that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan
> to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and job together? You
> need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life
> purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. (1) You can grow together,
> or (2) you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart.
> To make marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!
>
> Bottom line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.
>
> Question #2:
> Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
>
> This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
> Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis
> of having good communication is trust- i.e. trust that I won't get
> "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A
> colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel
> afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on
> this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to
> marry.
>
> Question #3:
>
> Is he/she a mensch?
>
> A mensch is someone who is refined and sensitive person. How can you test?
> Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular
> basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine
> defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do
> the right thing". So ask about your significant other: What do they do
> with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic
> person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.
>
> There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are
> dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to seeking>
> comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal
> comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before
> walking down the aisle.
>
> Question #4:
>
> How does he/she treat other people?
>
> The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the
> ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person
> pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or
> are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this,
> think about the following: How do they treat people who they do not have
> to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.
>
> How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and
> appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given
> them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? Do they gossip and
> speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves
> others! You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will
> eventually treat you poorly as well.
>
>
> Question #5:
>
> Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're
> married?
>
> Too many people make that mistake of marrying someone with the intention of
> trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine
> puts it: "you can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the
> worse"! If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then
> you are not ready to marry them.
>
> In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The
> key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your
> heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you re dating; to be
> sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.
>
> Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on
> your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't
> do your homework.
>
> Another perspective?
>
> There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.
> It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or a least minimize
> your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not going anywhere
> relationships. Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention. Which
> ones life and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones
> discourage? Which ones are one path of growth uphill and which ones are
> going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel
> worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or
> appreciate you?
>
> The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth
> around you? the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in
> the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
>
> An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open,
> and after you marry, close one eye". Before you get involved and make a
> commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance,
> pressure from others or low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs.
> Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or
> that way you see as faults aren't really that important.
>
> Once you decide to commit to someone, over time, his or her flaws,
> vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious. If
> you love your mate and want the relationship to grown and evolve, you've
> got to learn how to close one eye and not let every little thing bother
> you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs,
> values, dreams, weaknesses and strengths. You are two unique individual
> children of God who have decided to share a life together. Neither one of
> you is perfect, but you are perfect for each other? Do you bring out the>
> best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or
> do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the
> relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust,
> past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't
> make someone love you or make some stay. If you develop self-esteem,
> spiritual discernment, and a "life" you won't find yourself making someone
> else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking
> status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
>
> What keeps a relationship strong is:
>
> Trust
> Communication
> Intimacy
> A sense of Humor
> Sharing Tasks
> Some getaway time without the business of children
> Daily exchanges (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)
> Sharing common goals and interests
> Giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure
> Giving each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment
>
> If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment,
> withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace the
> passion.
>
> There it goes?.
>
> Success is nothing without someone to share it with?
Finding and Keeping a Life Partner
>
> Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A. a
> relationships coach who lays out his 5 golden rules evaluating the
> prospects of long-term martial success. When it comes to making the
> decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake.
> Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making
> serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss Right!
>
> If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married,
> they'll say: We're in love." I believe this the #1 mistake people make
> when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love.
> Though this may sound, "not politically correct", there's a profound truth
> here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the
> result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the
> love will come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime
> relationship on love alone." You need a lot more!!!
>
> Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about
> finding and keeping a life partner.
> Question #1:
> Do we share a common life purpose?
> Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for
> 20 or 30 years "that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan
> to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and job together? You
> need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life
> purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. (1) You can grow together,
> or (2) you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart.
> To make marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!
>
> Bottom line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.
>
> Question #2:
> Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
>
> This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
> Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis
> of having good communication is trust- i.e. trust that I won't get
> "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A
> colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel
> afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on
> this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to
> marry.
>
> Question #3:
>
> Is he/she a mensch?
>
> A mensch is someone who is refined and sensitive person. How can you test?
> Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular
> basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine
> defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do
> the right thing". So ask about your significant other: What do they do
> with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic
> person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.
>
> There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are
> dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to seeking>
> comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal
> comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before
> walking down the aisle.
>
> Question #4:
>
> How does he/she treat other people?
>
> The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the
> ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person
> pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or
> are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this,
> think about the following: How do they treat people who they do not have
> to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.
>
> How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and
> appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given
> them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? Do they gossip and
> speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves
> others! You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will
> eventually treat you poorly as well.
>
>
> Question #5:
>
> Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're
> married?
>
> Too many people make that mistake of marrying someone with the intention of
> trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine
> puts it: "you can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the
> worse"! If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then
> you are not ready to marry them.
>
> In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The
> key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your
> heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you re dating; to be
> sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.
>
> Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on
> your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't
> do your homework.
>
> Another perspective?
>
> There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.
> It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or a least minimize
> your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not going anywhere
> relationships. Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention. Which
> ones life and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones
> discourage? Which ones are one path of growth uphill and which ones are
> going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel
> worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or
> appreciate you?
>
> The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth
> around you? the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in
> the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
>
> An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open,
> and after you marry, close one eye". Before you get involved and make a
> commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance,
> pressure from others or low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs.
> Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or
> that way you see as faults aren't really that important.
>
> Once you decide to commit to someone, over time, his or her flaws,
> vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious. If
> you love your mate and want the relationship to grown and evolve, you've
> got to learn how to close one eye and not let every little thing bother
> you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs,
> values, dreams, weaknesses and strengths. You are two unique individual
> children of God who have decided to share a life together. Neither one of
> you is perfect, but you are perfect for each other? Do you bring out the>
> best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or
> do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the
> relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust,
> past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't
> make someone love you or make some stay. If you develop self-esteem,
> spiritual discernment, and a "life" you won't find yourself making someone
> else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking
> status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
>
> What keeps a relationship strong is:
>
> Trust
> Communication
> Intimacy
> A sense of Humor
> Sharing Tasks
> Some getaway time without the business of children
> Daily exchanges (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)
> Sharing common goals and interests
> Giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure
> Giving each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment
>
> If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment,
> withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace the
> passion.
>
> There it goes?.
>
> Success is nothing without someone to share it with?