~Some Conversation Tips~

[~Vortex~]

Here is some pretty basic advice; maybe someone will find it useful.

~1. A Fun And Emotional Voice~

Having a fun and emotional voice makes people want to listen to you. But a voice that sounds dull or monotone people sometimes ignore. How you say something is just as important as the content of your words. For some people this comes natural when they are in a good mood. If so, forget about this tip and read on. But if it doesn’t come natural to you, read on.

Getting a fun and emotional voice takes some time. The best way to learn this is by listening to very social people. Now and then you’ll come across someone with a fun voice. Listen to their melodious voice and notice that you want to listen to them, even if they have nothing new or interesting to say.

When talking about an exciting topic, sound excited. When telling a sad story, sound a little sad now and then. When saying sometime intriguing, sound a little intriguing. And add accompanying facial expressions for a finishing touch. More about this later.

Practicing your vocal cords a is a good way to start. Start making sounds so you can feel your throat vibrate. Go up and down with your voice tone. Move your sounds from high to low. Begin low so your stomach vibrates, and then move upwards to your throat. This way you’ll train your vocal cords to become stronger, and so, when you are socializing, you can speak with more enthusiasm, volume, en energy. This will make people want to listen to you.

~2. The Conversational Web~

Here’s a great way to have endless conversations with friends, acquaintances, or strangers. It’s called the Web, or the Conversational Web. In a web all the strands are connected to other strands. And like a strand of a web, a conversational topic can also be connected to other topics.

For example, having a drink is connected to these topics: eating in a restaurant, having a good time, enjoying the food, ordering a new drink, meeting up with friends, talking about a girl you met with a friend at the table, to name but a few. As you can see, these topics are related or associated to other topics, like a sort of web. When talking to someone, you can come up with many things to talk about this way. With some practice, you can keep a conversation going for a long time.

Try it 2 or 3 times. Holiday > Lying in the sun > Having a really good drink at the swimming pool > Taking a swim in a giant and luxurious swimming pool > Listening to music in your hotel room with a friend > Putting on new clothes you bought for the night, etc. All these topics are associated to each other: Holiday > Sun > A Drink > A Swim > Hotel room > New clothes.

One last thing to think about. After talking for a while, you might want to take a break. Silent moments are not always a bad thing. A silent moment, for 5 to 10 seconds, is a good break. After that come up with a new topic. The next tip will show you how to come up with a new topic.

~3. The Key To Listening Well: Understanding People~

The key to listening is understanding what people are saying. I used to think way to much about what impression I made when someone talked. And so I did not listen to his words and did not understand what was said. This made me feel isolated from the world, like I was stuck in my own world.

Understanding someone takes life experience, so understanding everything someone is saying is not always possible. But you already have much life experience and have a lot of knowledge in your head. If try to shift your focus away from yourself onto someone else, you’ll see that you can understand a lot of what people are saying. When socially anxious, you often focus too much on yourself and forget what someone else is saying. And this only makes it worse, because afterwards you don’t know what someone said.

After listening make an appropriate reply. If a friend talked about a movie and thought it was really good you could say, “Sounds like a good movie. I wish I had gone to it also. Couple of weeks ago I went to a movie and it was also really good, especially the ending was a big surprise.” Here you first reply to him talking about a movie, and then you move on to a movie you saw yourself.

When listening, make some sounds and head movements at the right time. For example, “hm hm” “I understand” “alright” “ok, I get what you mean”, while nodding your head. This shows you are in-tune with an other person and it shows them you are actively listening to what they are saying. This makes them feel understood and connected. You can also learn a little towards them, to show extra interest.

That's it. I'm writing a small book to overcome Social Anxiety actually; not that I think you guys here have this, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

 

[kennygarou]

Bro Vortex, most of the time , I run out of things to say to a women too, can you give me more advice? I am confident and calm but I don't really know what to say to prolong a conversation.

 

[17Soft]

Same here. I can keep a conversation going for like 30 seconds. I just run out of things to talk about and I don't want to engage in any boring interview questions.

 

[~Vortex~]

Alright I get what you mean. I'll post something tomorrow, I'm a little busy with school atm.

 

[Nemic]

There are always keywords to key off of during conversations that will let you branch a web of conversations.

The basic "interview"questions are just starting points to dig into more interesting conversations. Its like a Choose your own adventure book that you write on the fly.

Pg1: "So how long have you lived in [city]?"
> 5 Years Goto Pg2
< 5 years goto pg3
Pg2: "Oh? So you know the area pretty well? What are some of your favorite places?"
.... Run with it.
Pg3: "thats not long, how did you end up here?"
Job: goto page about jobs..
Other: ... <I'm sure you can figure it out>

Point is, these are just designed to move a conversation where you want it to go. As long as you don't ask yes/no answer questions you should get a few details that you can immedately run with into a new conversation.

And don't rush the converstations. Make comments, nod your head, and speak slowly with pauses.

A problem I have is instead of listening to what she is saying, I'm focused on the next detail that I can run with in a conversation. I know she said 3 things that I can run with, but Instead of listening to her, I'm rushing to get to the next topic to keep the conversation going. (I actually interrupted a chick once when she said she was from out of town, jumping to "What brings you here", before she finished her sentence.)

I think if you are out of things to say in 30 seconds you really need to focus on listening to what the other person is saying, and try to relate and chain topics together.

Conversations that are natural happen very easily. If you force it, it will be akward and have lots of those "wtf am I doing here" looks from the other person.

 

[~Vortex~]

I've been in the hospital for half a year and I'm kinda a wreck, but I'll draw upon my experience anyway.

First of all, I usually keep these three in my memory: 1. There's always something to talk about(at least a 1000 topics) 2. It's not just What you say but How you say it (body language + voice tone matter more than the contents of your words) 3. Make the best of a topic(mine the topic a little and see if you can find some gold in it). The best conversations involve humor, but it's kinda hard to think of funny things to say here in front of my computer.

Anyway, here are some more tips:

1. ~What To Talk About~

You can talk about: Her, You, The Surroundings, The World.

Talking about the Surroundings. A good way to strike up a conversation is talking about something in your immediate surroundings. If you just walk up to a girl and say "Hey, I went clubbing yesterday. Was really cool." It's a little awkward. Better begin by saying something about the place you are at first. For example, at the train station, "Hi, you also stuck here like the rest of us?" This is better because it's about the immediate environment.

Talking about Her: Her interests, friends, family, lifestyle, dating, whether she does sport. It's always a bonus if you can make fun of her personality in a good way. "Wow, you watch NCIS every day? You're crazy! Too many corpses for me..."

Talking about Yourself (this is called Self-Disclosure): What you do for work, what you do with your free time, about your cool friends, what parties you like to go to, what drink you like, what movies you like, about your relationships with other people(friends, ex-girlfriend, parents, people at school). Self-disclosure is important because this let's people know who you are. If you don't self-disclose, someone has no idea who you are.

Talking about the World. This is talking about the world in general. Not about You, or Her, or the Surroundings, but about some event or person in the world.

More good topics: sport, celebrities, food, holiday, school perhaps, work, other people and their character(that guy from movie X is crazy don't you think?), movies, dating, traveling, sex, your dreams goals and plans for life.

And talk about topics in the right order. Talking right from the start about sex is perhaps not a good idea. Start a convo by commenting on the situation you are both in at the moment, than about movies, clubbing, drinking, and then about dating and perhaps sex.

When you had enough of a topic, take a small break, or bring up a new topic. Listen to your intuition: if you think the topic is talked about enough change the topic, or take a small break (5+ seconds)

2. ~Hey...~

A good way to spontaneously bring up a new topic is saying "hey" first. "Hey, I went to a club last night. There was a really good atmosphere and the people were really cool. It went on all night, and afterward we went to a after-party. I'm going again next week. ... You ever go to clubs? Reply... You like to dance? Me to, I like to dance all night long... etc.

3.~Smiling~

A conversation without smiling is empty and boring. You gotto smile while talking, all the time or now and then. I'm not someone that smiles all the time, but just every now and then. You just gotto practice this if you don't do it naturally. Smiling shows you are friendly, save, relaxed, confident, socially aware, easy to approach.

4. ~Taking Turns: Passing the Topic back and forth~

I like girls that know how to have a good conversation: it takes two to make a convo. The best convos are those in which you both take turns speaking, passing the ball back and forth. I can't stand people who constantly talk about themselves all the time.

5. ~Speak Mostly About Your *Commonalities* With An Other Person, Not Your Individuality~

Find commonalities with a girl, this creates a connection. "Oh cool, I also go to the gym", "Yeah my parents also call me a little bit too much to task what's going on, but ah well, they're still my parents" "You want to travel the world sometime? Me too, I'm saving up some money for the moment."

This is not good with a girl: "Yeah I work in ICT, as a software programmer. I'm excellent in C++, that's a coding language. I really am the best of my company. I even won some awards. Really, no one can beat my coding skills. My boss just gave me a raise, and I'm gonna buy a sports car soon. I've already been to the show-room and pick the color I wanted. It's awesome really. Damn what a nice ride, I can't wait."
Too much about yourself, and a nerdy topic... Two red flags. I can't stand these people, I usually nod politely... and then get the hell out of there

6. ~Look At Things From A Positive Perspective~

1. You could say, "I went to fitness today. It really was crap. I had no energy,
and the weight were like two times heavier than normal." That's a negative point
of view.

2. You could also say, "I went to the gym today. Had a great workout. I was really tired but I made the best of it. I put some extra energy into my workout and it went ok. I got this really good high from training; I felt great afterward."

Try to avoid negativity; about 90% percent positive, 10% negative, and that's still maybe a bit too much of the darker side of life.

Lastly, remember the Web and Pass The Topic... that way you can have long conversations.