Social phobia?

[godofanxiety]

Anybody here had any experiences with it? For those who don't know what is it, it's basically an extreme form of shyness. I suffer from it, and so did my relationship with my girlfriend, which is over now, guess the reason why. I was busy over analyzing signs, trying to use some of the techniques from the bible, thinking too much about everything, and forgot to have fun.

So, if someone here has got it, maybe overcame it the past or still struggling with it, I would like to hear about it.

 

[Fenderules]

yep. I had it throughout highschool

how old are you?





i just eventually got sick of it, and started letting myself come out. Naturally i started chuming with people with the same interests who i'v made great friends with and can trust.
I'm also now one of the friendliest people thats not afraid to make friends with the most intimidating person. the trick is to show that your not afraid but respect them, and can joke around with them. If they have a sense of humour you can push it further and then the next thing you know its a good old time hahaha.

 

[DonJoseCantosie]

Wats up dude

The first step should be to rename ur screenname. I don't want to sound rude but constantly always remembering that u have anxiety will just make it worse, and the best way is to realize is that ur not THAT vulnerable to it than you may think. ;-)

I can definitely relate my man.

I had horrible social anxiety, to the point where I actually was considering to just stop trying to move on with life. I would rather lose 20 dollars that i desperately needed than to be in the open. I literally was thinking of suicide it was so bad, i was that terrified. It was like hell, that feeling.

The solution to all of that was that it was all because of the game and not being outdoors for a long time, staying inside for as long as a week and a half's time not getting fresh air...plus getting rejected only TWICE badly and getting constructively criticized...i felt like the smallest person on earth. Not only that... it was so bad, I ACTUALLY fainted and went to the hospital from it....i was that terrified.

The solution was to get through what i considered mental hell. I had to get through that feeling, even if i hated it. I also got some counseling, which solved the root of my problem. To do what i was morally terrified to do.

So the easiest way to solve social anxiety is to know that we aren't born with it, it is caused by something related to ur well being.

How u feel about urself
Ur physical well being
Guilt
Fearing Rejection

etc.

If u can figure what the cause is...

u've made the first step. Good Luck my man.

 

[godofanxiety]

DonJose man, you had so much worse than I, so if you were able to overcome it that gives me great hope! I'm doing a bit of counseling right now, and forcing myself to things I was mortally afraid of (hence the girlfriend ). But it sometimes flares up again and in that moments I feel like under a mute spell or something.

edit: On a slightly brighter note, my gf didn't break up with me after all, but her interest level is plummeting, so I have to change my ways NOW.

 

[DonJoseCantosie]

Hey man....remnants of it will still be there until u come full at peace with it. I still sometimes get nervous around lots of people sometimes, but the key is to simply control it. Also, remember...when u try something new...there will always be "some" kind of fear for it, the key is to do it while the fear is there. Its the best way to get rid of it. U got this son. U got this.

 

[Obsidian]

I became way more outgoing by deciding to run for a class-wide student government office right when I got to college. The need to make friends quick and get votes gave me a strong incentive to become more friendly. Seriously one of the turning points in my life, I think.

didn't help me out as much with the ladies as I would've liked tho. It took me another year to realize that despite being friendly and likeable, I was still a chump that needed help.

 

[godofanxiety]

"The is to simply control it." How? I get that I must override my fear and take action despite it, but has it ever happened to you that your mind just goes blank in some situations? Only one thought is present and on a continuous loop: "Say something you *******!" I don't know how to deal with that.

It's frustrating, I know that this girl likes me very much (or used to), and it sucks to lose her because of that.

edit: I'm interested to hear about that mental hell, DonJose.

 

[godofanxiety]

I'm not a misfit raped as a kid, I actually function reasonably well with people, and am one of the more liked guys in most circles I'm in involved with. Problem is, with women I really like, I lose my confidence, and my fun personality is gone. Completely.

The knowledge about seduction, body language etc. is important, but without inner game its useless baggage, just more fodder for my over-analyzing brain.

 

[Obsidian]

maybe start small. get a temporary gf who is an HB6 or so and work your way up. Then you'll gain confidence.

 

[godofanxiety]

For now I just want to stay with my current girl. What would you do, if you were in my place to get her hot for me again as soon as possible? Mind you, she really liked me, but is rapidly getting bored.

 

[Jackman]

For now I just want to stay with my current girl. What would you do, if you were in my place to get her hot for me again as soon as possible? Mind you, she really liked me, but is rapidly getting bored.

Keep this thought in your mind for the rest of your life: If a man can sense it in a woman, it's already twice as bad as he thinks it is.

If you sense your girl is losing interest and seems to be rapidly growing bored, then her interest is already lost, she is already completely bored and she's probably well underway in thinking of the right way to word a break up with you.

I know you don't want to hear this. I also know you're not going to do it. But the best thing you can do right now is to beat her to the punch by telling her you "need some space". There are several reasons why this is the best option for you right now.

1) It will help you with your anxiety issue. Part of that problem is a lack of confidence. If you sit around and wait to get dumped by this girl, it will effect you months perhaps even years from now. You will reflect back on it regularly as a major defeat. It will reinforce your tendency to shy away.

2) She will see you in a completely different way for doing this. Although you should never bank on it, it may actually be impressive enough with her for you to have a better chance down the road of getting back together with this girl, when you're ready. When you've changed for the better. At this point, you will be thinking much more clearly and may not even desire this at all.

3) When you're this far along in a relationship with deteriorating interests, there are only two things you can do:

a) The wrong thing. Obviously, you don't want to do this.
b) The right thing. Unfortunately, it's too late to do this.


Giving/providing/becoming exactly what she wants can actually accelerate her break up with you. At this point, it's a form of appeasement, which is a position of weakness and desperation. This is a huge turn off. You can't win. The best thing for you to do is to take control and force the inevitable to happen on your terms.



As for the topic of anxiety: I've got some experience with that and I'll get back to you on it. I've got a few things to take care of right this second.

 

[Vypros]

I agree wholeheartedly with Jackman. Excellent post man.

To add to it:

You're problem isn't necessarily a social phobia if you function well with other people. Your problem is a belief you carry that is sucking the life out of you. You carry within you a belief that beauty somehow represents POWER, and the more beautiful a person is, the more power they have. This belief then filtrates into YOU because you see girls as a thing of BEAUTY and you are NOT. That means that you are automatically assessing girls with the POWER.

It's a damaging belief. It's a paralyzing belief. And the solution doesn't lie in seduction material. The solution lies in CHANGING YOUR BELIEF!

Why don't you take on this new belief:

Beauty is only skin deep. Beauty is not power. Power comes from dedication, commitment, hard work, and willingness to rise above our failures and make them into successes. NOBODY knows how to do that more than me. I have failed and failed and failed and failed, but everytime I fail I get back up. Everytime I got knocked down, I rise back up and move a little farther forward. Because of this drive, because of this determination, *I* am the prize. *I* am somebody to be respected. I am POWERFUL. In every day, in every way I am getting stronger and stronger. Beautiful people don't have this drive because everything is handed to them. I, on the other, possess this drive and I possess the POWER. She is only human. She eats, breaths, pees, and has needs just like I. Who does she think she is?

Take that paragraph and repeat it to yourself over and over. Print it out (or make up your own and print it out) and make it the first thing you read when you get out of bed. REad it when you eat. Read it when you go to the bathroom. For WEEKS and WEEKS, live that belief and you will internalize.

Watch and see if your nervousness doesn't go away. Watch and see if you don't feel more and more confident. And then, you take another baby step, once you've internalized that belief. You APPROACH. You get ACTIVE. You create and define your own world exactly the way you want it and you only bring the people YOU want into that world.

Trust me, the power of your mind in conjunction with ACTION is extremely powerful and can affect MAJOR changes in your life. But you have to be dilligent. You have to work at it. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You've got to actively seek out ways to better yourself. If that paragraph isn't enough, then do MORE. Go hit the self-help section at your local bookstore and start reading. Join a club or play a sport and get active. Start an exercise regime, even if it's only 15 minutes a day. YOU CAN SPARE 15 MINUTES!

There is no one solution here. You've got to do as many different things as you can. Start meditating. Get yourself into a habit of getting into a relaxed state every day and then draw on that relaxation when you are in an uncomfortable situation.

I know it's not an easy road, but you can do it if you really want to man.

Good luck.

 

[TruthHurts]

Anybody here had any experiences with it? For those who don't know what is it, it's basically an extreme form of shyness. I suffer from it, and so did my relationship with my girlfriend, which is over now, guess the reason why. I was busy over analyzing signs, trying to use some of the techniques from the bible, thinking too much about everything, and forgot to have fun.

So, if someone here has got it, maybe overcame it the past or still struggling with it, I would like to hear about it.

It happens a lot to people that come to a new country. The language and cultural barrier creates isolation, leading to shyness/social phobia..

I used to be afraid to talk to girls, no I cant stop... Some of the best Dj's were actually shy in highschool and then they broke through as if something to prove and became really good at what they do...

So, work on it, and with practice you will get there

 

[knglerxt]

Anybody here had any experiences with it? For those who don't know what is it, it's basically an extreme form of shyness. I suffer from it, and so did my relationship with my girlfriend, which is over now, guess the reason why. I was busy over analyzing signs, trying to use some of the techniques from the bible, thinking too much about everything, and forgot to have fun.

So, if someone here has got it, maybe overcame it the past or still struggling with it, I would like to hear about it.

How did you get a girlfriend in the first place? I ask this because I too suffer from social anxiety, and it prevents me from even meeting women, much less getting a girlfriend. I went to counseling almost a year to no avail. I take Zoloft everyday, but it doesn't help much. It's almost impossible not to be depressed when you see guys with their girlfriends and wives everywhere you go. It constantly bothers me that other guys are getting sex and companionship, and I'm not. I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

[NSUballer]

Ever heard the saying "You have to face your fears". Its not abnormal to be reserved in talking to strangers. Most people are reluctant. But if you want to be happy you have to open that hole under your nose sometimes. I always thought havin a few drinks helped make me a more social person because you lower your inhibitions and so do women. Im not talkin about gettin hammered, just a few beers or mixed drinks to open yourself up.

 

[STR8UP]

See a doctor immediately. I waited till I was 34. If I would have done it 15 years ago I can't imagine how much better my life would have been all these years.

 

[godofanxiety]

Thanks for the replies guys, all were very useful.

@knglerxt: Strange, i had the same experience with zoloft. I was relying too much on that and therapy, but social anxiety is cured ONLY by actively going out and socializing with people, and no matter how scary and awkward it is in the beginning, it gradually becomes less so.

As for how I got the girlfriend, we knew each other casually for a bit, started going out just as friends and somehow started kissing in a club one night . I liked her before and was quite frustrated by my inability to show interest and do something with her, so she took it upon herself. So, this could have been easily just another wasted opportunity, and I learned my lesson for the future.

@STR8UP: I wanted to ask you something but I'll do it in another thread.

 

[Randallpink83]

not much for social anxiety... however I know Panic Attacks/Anxiety aswell as anyone...

When I was 20 I over-dosed on some drugs and had a... well a near death experience I guess. And ever since that day I hade HUGE.. HUGE insane panic attacks atleast like 4-5 times a day. Like ****ed up panic attacks.. I always thought i was about to die, again. It was the darkest evilest feelings ever.. and they would crush me and hit me like a freight train.. I would just suphocate.. Sometimes It would hit me so hard I would just start running and crying trying to escape it, but no such luck it was inside me.. I couldnt escape.
Doctors wanted me to go on meds, but I had none of it.. I was scared straight from taking anything unnatural into my body anymore.
Slowly but surely I started to "accept" that I just wasnt gonna go back to my old self. I started to accept that what I was feeling was okay.. Started relaxing.. It took about two years before I really could say I was cured im 23 now. Even though you are never really cured, I will always carry this infliction with me for the rest of my life, it was to dramatic to shake off easily.

I remember getting to the point that I was so used to the panic attacks that they would hit me full on even when I was with people, but you would never know I had a problem.. I would just be there silently praying for relief.

anyhow what am I getting at... oh yeah. Just remember that what your feeling is REAL. Fear is real and its there to teach you saomething. ACCEPT the lessons, become friends with your fear and turn it into faith

Courage is not the opposite of Fear.. FAITH is the opposite.. Because Fear is beleiving something bad is gonna happen./. Faith is believing something good is gonna happen... Believe in yourself... Have faith and you will not fear.

Thats a hard lesson I had to learn over two years of torture. Faith was my final healing point...

btw I never did take meds and seemed to mentally heal faster then 95% of the people who suffer from forms of anxiety.. even now after 15yrs lots of them still carry the infliction cause they never learned to give up "Medicine" and face what was happening to them.. face the fear.

 

[OldGoat]

social phobia or social anxiety? I have social phobia to the point where I have panic attacks and I want to leave a specific situation. I know some or many people have social anxiety like an apprehenison or excessive fear of social situations but to the point of a racing heart that wants to come of your chest and feel like youre going to go crazy then yes.

I take medication though and has helped a little bit but I wish I could find the cause and not depend on medication. Im lucky enough to have friends I know some people with social phobia dont even know what a friend is let alone a girlfriend or what intimacy is like.

I personally have struggled with social anxiety and limiting beliefs whether consciously or unconsciously since I was 3 as far as I can remember. The point is that anxiety is just anxiety and is not some mental illness eventhough its listed in the dsm IV calling it social phobia using it as a medical term to imply illness. I think there are other threads with good information on social anxiety or social phobia where one post by suzuki gives intelligent and good information if you just search.

so I read this book called Feel the fear and do it anyway by susan jefers and has helped a lot. Social fears are so complicated that even if we face our fears there is always going to be another fear. all I have to say is good luck, I tried so many different things and havent found a solution and just going to have to learn to deal with it.

 

[Celadus]

Anxiety is energy. If you release it in productive ways you can accomplish great things and feel relieved. You are stuck with it. Use it to your advantage. I've seen two kinds of high anxiety people in my life. People who sit around and worry and people who make fortunes or follow their dreams.