So this was my day

[Desdinova]

My gf has for the past few days been getting ready for her driver's test. On Monday and Tuesday, I went out with her and got her to practice. She needed the most work on parallel parking. On Tuesday, she decided she needed to go shopping before practicing parking. I told her that practice is more important, but there's no logical winning against the emotional draw of the word "sale". So I said fvck it, she can go shopping. We practiced for a bit afterward. She was getting better but still needed work.

Today she went for her test and failed parallel parking. She was obviously upset about it. So I texted her "Need some time with me?"

She responded with "Sure".

Then I said "I have my kid in tow, but I can find something for him to do. When and where can I pick you up?"

Next message was "Well I just want to be with you. I'll see you tomorrow or something". That one pissed me off. Now, I don't expect her to be incredibly receptive to being around my kid since she's a 22 year old childless woman. However, if the time I'm offering you on such short notice isn't good enough, then you get nothing.

Needless to say, I didn't respond. Got a message a couple hours later of her trying to save face saying "I don't really feel like seeing anyone today." Sure, whatever. It just kept me pissed off, and I didn't respond to that one either.

Don't get me wrong, I love the girl to death. She's a fantastic woman, but she's still got a lot of growing up to do. She still seems to be logically conflicted about us being together for the long term, but she's so emotionally attached that she's not going anywhere.

Stuff like this just reaffirms that I'm likely to be solo (as in not living with anybody) for a long time. I've kinda grown to accept that since that's how it's always been in my life, and I actually thrive really well on my own.

Now, onto the second thing that pissed me off today...

I went to my parents' place today to pick up my kid. I generally hate staying there for supper, but I did today. I was given two envelopes, one for my kid and one for me. My envelope was full of old pictures that my mother had plucked from her collection. She's been kissing my ass a lot lately. Not sure why. (For those in the dark, I have a lousy relationship with my mother)

So after I'm done looking through the pictures, I notice there's a hand-written note at the bottom. I hate it when she writes me these notes. Here's how this one started:

Dear Des

I am really sorry you have to go through a break up of marriage. Your dad and I can relate to the uglies of it all...

Seriously, WTF??? I generally don't think nor dwell on my marriage and I think I've dealt with the ending of it quite well. My parents on the other hand can't shut up about how horrible my ex is. I did enough bashing of her when I first ended it, and now I've moved on. They're the ones who haven't moved on.

So out of frustration, I posted this on FB:

"Why does my mother think I'm still having a difficult time dealing with the marriage I terminated? Too bad I can't terminate her as my mother"

The people who know my mother understand my frustration. I get one like from someone I've known for 15 years. Then, my former fb leaves this comment:

"Cuz she's not able to deal with it and things as well and maturely as u"

After that, my gf calls me twice while I'm getting my kid ready for bed. That's me and him time, so I ignore the calls.

I'll probably call her before I go to bed. You can't let a woman swim in the feeling that she's unwanted for too long before she starts to believe it.

 

[shyguy32]

Des...obviously I'm probably not in a position to give advice. But heres my two cents anyway.

12 years difference is HUGE. When I was 30 I was dating an 18yo and it was insane that I felt like I was raising another child. My current ex (which ended just this week) was 12 years younger. She was 27 and was hung up on the age thing, which since I've had time to sit back and think about it makes a lot of sense. When you're 40, she'll be 28, when you're 50 she'll be 38. 34 and 22 doesn't seem like a lot, but the older you get it will seem more and more of a problem.

Plus she's only 22, she wants to be #1 in your life, she's not a parent and doesn't understand that your child is going to come first. Thats one of the problems I had with the 18 yo.

Just giving my 2 cents. Maybe it will help out a little.

 

[Warrior74]

red flag. Never blast out anything emotional on facebook. Delete facebook if you can. I use it for work (social media clients), otherwise I would have deleted it. I never post anything unless its about business or science or in music groups with some of my old djing buddies.

Go delete that post. Is this 22 year old on your facebook? What does it look like when a grown man 34 year old man is on facebook bytching about his mama? It looks like a severe lack of emotional control bro. I'd never let my boys, or some hoes (much less my clients) see that from me online.

 

[Itsjustme]

The age difference is huge it will become a problem eventually. The girl I just broke up with it lasted almost 2 years but she was 15 years younger than me and it really never affected me until we were at a party and someone asked her if I was her dad. That was the first time it really hit home just how much younger she was and she flip flopped from wanting to marry me and have kids to wanting to be single the whole time we were togethor. All the makeup breakup stuff ensued. I really don't think she was a bad person everyone says it's BPD but I really do think she just struggles internally with the age difference and settling down thing. I know she loves me to death and it's hurting us both at this point neither one wants to let go but we both know it's never going to work.

 

[Desdinova]

What does it look like when a grown man 34 year old man is on facebook bytching about his mama? It looks like a severe lack of emotional control bro. I'd never let my boys, or some hoes (much less my clients) see that from me online.

Good point. I'm not going to delete it though. Most of the time I post stuff that's happy or funny. It's a rarity when I post something truly emotional. If anything, I thought what I wrote was kinda funny. A lot of the people who know me understand my twisted sense of humor, but it's also a way for me to deal with dumb 5hit like that. If my mother died, I'd probably be posting a "funeral party" event on facebook.

I just got off the phone with her before I read the responses. Got her feeling a bit better and I didn't mention any of my mother's letter. It's not important enough to dwell on.

 

[zekko]

Lol, you know you're dating a young girl when you have to teach her how to drive.

As for the age difference, I'm 51 and my girlfriend is 37. we've lived together nine years and it hasn't been a problem yet.

If there's a problem I'd say it's that she's 22. She may not have sown enough wild oats or be ready to commit (if that's what you want). Although there are exceptions. My niece got married at 15 and she's still with him some 30 odd years later.

By the way, Des, your girl sounds like an introvert. That not wanting to see anyone while they're feeling down is pretty characteristic of them. Being one myself, I know.

 

[cordoncordon]

Des everyone has bad days. The reaction to your gf was understandable. When I was your age (31) I dated an 18 year old for 3 years. Some of the things she did drove me crazy. I am not going to come out and say don't date someone that young, because there are advantages too. Just realize that someone that young is not going to have the maturity or life experience to value things and experiences the same way you or I would...and that can be very irritating. The key is to either learn to accept it, or find someone a little more mature. I went with the latter.

As for your mom, I am not sure how bad the relationship was with her, but it kinda sounds like she was reaching out to you. Maybe it would be good to cut her a little slack? She is your mother after all. But again, hard for me to say without knowing all that is happened.

Best of luck in both situations.

 

[Greasy Pig]

I reckon you handled it perfectly, Des.
She rebuffed you, p1ssed you off, so you withdraw attention.
Reward and punish.
My sig says: "Hamsters run best in silence." I dunno who I stole that off from here but you not responding would've sent her hamster on a goddamn marathon.
If a woman is in a bad mood, why hang around? I'd rather leave them be until they cool off and come to their senses after the hamster tires out.
I think hanging around a woman while she's in a bad mood can be toxic. Sure be there if she needs you, but I'd rather her associate me with feeling good and happy than p1ssed off and butthurt.
I guess if you're around her more when she's happy than sad, she'll learn that she only gets full access to you if she keeps her inherent moodiness in check around you.

 

[EastWind]

Out of my personal experience - and this has been said independently on this board a lot - girls in the 18-25 age range will have huge issues with not being the center of your universe. I remember my ex (then aged 19) got pissed when we went to see my family in France and I spent a lot of time with my mom, whom I saw for maybe two weeks a year - while I saw her a lot more, obviously.

I understand you like this girl very much, but just from that little incident it seems she has a ton of growing up to do. Out of interest, wouldn't you rather invest the time to find a woman your age (+- 3 years)? You'll know this, but in my experience it makes all the difference in the world.

About the thing with you mom: obviously I'm not in your shoes and don't have all the details, but you only have one set of parents, and if they're alive, you should do your best to get along with them. If your parents aren't horrible, they have your best interests at heart. Your mother was obviously only trying to help you. If you've got issues with what she wrote or with the fact that she "keeps reminding you" of your marriage... tell her so. Without getting pissed. And ultimately accepting her for who she is is the grown-up thing to do. Remember she brought you into this world and raised you, and obviously she could have done a much worse job.

And trust me, I know where I'm coming from on the whole parents thing. My dad is much, much older than the regular dad and has quite a few "old people" habits and a cemented world view (while being quite liberal). It's very tiring at times, when he tells me how to run my life while knowing none of the details of it. But what am I going to do? In the end, he's only doing it because he cares and wants what's best for me. Why should I get pissed at him for that?

 

[Desdinova]

If there's a problem I'd say it's that she's 22.

That's exactly what I think. Her age and residual immaturity is the only thing I've noticed that causes any real differences in our relationship. Other than that, we get along really well, the sex is fantastic, and she's madly attracted to me.

She may not have sown enough wild oats or be ready to commit

I don't think it has to do with that. She's tried dating a lot of men around her age and every single one of them has turned her off. I pointed out the fact that men her age are a lot less masculine than men in that age bracket 15 years ago. She agreed with me 100% and told me about some of the guys she's dated. Young women today have very few options if they want to date in their age bracket.

As far as committing, we're in an official LTR, but I don't expect her to 'settle down' until she hits her mid-20s. If she sticks around until that point and continues to be a great gf, I'll have no problem with it.

Just realize that someone that young is not going to have the maturity or life experience to value things and experiences the same way you or I would...and that can be very irritating. The key is to either learn to accept it, or find someone a little more mature. I went with the latter.

I'm willing to take the immaturity over women who are damaged goods and have tons of baggage. The immaturity slowly goes away while baggage keeps piling up.

She rebuffed you, p1ssed you off, so you withdraw attention.
Reward and punish.

Exactly. I know that even with the little things, you need to do it. The best thing about her is that in the last year, I've rarely felt the need to punish her. Many other women I've dated needed to be punished frequently for bad behavior.

Out of interest, wouldn't you rather invest the time to find a woman your age (+- 3 years)?

No. I've done that and they've been nightmares. I'm quite happy with a low-baggage, non-damaged woman.

And ultimately accepting her for who she is is the grown-up thing to do. Remember she brought you into this world and raised you, and obviously she could have done a much worse job.

There's a lot of people out there who have mothers that did a decent job at parenting. Every single mother of the girls I've dated seemed to have a lot of common sense and intuition when it came to raising their children. My mother has none of these. She jumps to her own conclusions with everything, even when I let her know that she's wrong on every level.

My mother bytches and complains about spending time with the only grandchild she gets to see regularly (mine). My dad loves the 5hit out of him, but she claims that she can't stand having him around. That's pretty much how she was with me and my brother. When I was growing up, I was better off to keep all my problems locked inside rather than getting my parents to help me with them. If I DID need help with something, I was better off approaching them when they were together so they could yell and scream at each other about which was the right way to handle it. My dad was always the one who took a much calmer approach while my mother's first instinct was to beat the 5hit out of me for it - and sometimes did it anyway when my dad wasn't around.

Her self-riteousness, her stubbornness, her abusive nature, her light-switch temper, and now her dislike of being around my child have caused our relationship to deteriorate to a very poor state.

 

[EastWind]

There's a lot of people out there who have mothers that did a decent job at parenting. Every single mother of the girls I've dated seemed to have a lot of common sense and intuition when it came to raising their children. My mother has none of these. She jumps to her own conclusions with everything, even when I let her know that she's wrong on every level.

My mother bytches and complains about spending time with the only grandchild she gets to see regularly (mine). My dad loves the 5hit out of him, but she claims that she can't stand having him around. That's pretty much how she was with me and my brother. When I was growing up, I was better off to keep all my problems locked inside rather than getting my parents to help me with them. If I DID need help with something, I was better off approaching them when they were together so they could yell and scream at each other about which was the right way to handle it. My dad was always the one who took a much calmer approach while my mother's first instinct was to beat the 5hit out of me for it - and sometimes did it anyway when my dad wasn't around.

Her self-riteousness, her stubbornness, her abusive nature, her light-switch temper, and now her dislike of being around my child have caused our relationship to deteriorate to a very poor state.

Well, I'm truly sorry for that. I was speaking without exact knowledge, but if it really was that bad, well, ****. Best you can do is probably to keep it as civil as possible, but I get why you're upset about it.

 

[zekko]

I don't think it has to do with that. She's tried dating a lot of men around her age and every single one of them has turned her off. I pointed out the fact that men her age are a lot less masculine than men in that age bracket 15 years ago. She agreed with me 100% and told me about some of the guys she's dated. Young women today have very few options if they want to date in their age bracket.

I imagine it's even worse with the economy being in the toilet the way it is. Most 22 year old guys aren't established to begin with, it's got to be even harder financially these days.

A lot of guys that age are not very mature, for that matter. Most are probably mainly interested in exploring their vices. I've read girls tend to like guys about four years older than they are. It's got to be hard to find a 22 year old man who really has his sh!t together.

 

[Boilermaker]

^
Lots of good points Mr. Zeek; as the legend used to call you.

 

[Desdinova]

I second this. If you're on FB keep your activity to an absolute minimum. It's anti-game.

I've actually found it to be the complete opposite. The women I have on there flirt with me, the ex's I have on there keep trying to find their way back into my life, and the social proof seems to add fuel to my overall attraction. I've never had a negative experience with women resulting from facebook. Whenever my status turns back to single, I suddenly find myself with multiple date offers. It absolutely blows me away.

WTF are you guys doing?

 

[zekko]

I've actually found it to be the complete opposite. The women I have on there flirt with me, the ex's I have on there keep trying to find their way back into my life, and the social proof seems to add fuel to my overall attraction. I've never had a negative experience with women resulting from facebook. Whenever my status turns back to single, I suddenly find myself with multiple date offers. It absolutely blows me away.

WTF are you guys doing?

Legitimate question.

I'm not on Facebook, but I don't see how it can hurt you unless you're trying to hide plates from each other. Seems like it could only benefit you. You get to chick out girls' relationship status, you get alerted when there are parties going on, you may get on someone's mind who may not be thinking of you, it provides an easy, anxiety-free way for girls to contact you, and as you say when you become available your status lets girls know. I don't see how this could be bad.

By the way, it's interesting that you get multiple date offers when your status becomes single. Conventional wisdom around here claims girls will chase you more when you're taken. But there really is something to be said for actually being available.

 

[Colossus]

Personally i think the primary purpose if Facebook for most people is to troll for attention. Positive, negative...why does anyone put anything up?? To get likes and comments. Nothing wrong with having one, but I agree with the others that it's very unbecoming of a grown man to air personal problems there.

And not to be captain obvious here but you cant expect a 22 year old to have the maturity to accept everything that comes with you being a single dad. She is going to be self-focused most of the time. Maybe you see something in her we dont, I just think that big of an age gap is asking for problems.

 

[Boilermaker]

Legitimate question.

I'm not on Facebook, but I don't see how it can hurt you unless you're trying to hide plates from each other. Seems like it could only benefit you. You get to chick out girls' relationship status, you get alerted when there are parties going on, you may get on someone's mind who may not be thinking of you, it provides an easy, anxiety-free way for girls to contact you, and as you say when you become available your status lets girls know. I don't see how this could be bad.

By the way, it's interesting that you get multiple date offers when your status becomes single. Conventional wisdom around here claims girls will chase you more when you're taken. But there really is something to be said for actually being available.

This has probably been discussed to death, but the main points that are problematic with Facebook are:

1) It gives away too much information: Where you were, who you were with, who you are friends with, who you are possibly sleeping with, when's the last time you went to a social gathering, most private details of your life, and so on... It makes you predictable and completely transparent.

2) It generates too much cross-talk between people: Whenever you are tagged by a friend, a friend of you who doesn't know the tagger may end up seeing you in her front page when she logs on. It creates connections that are non-existent in real-life, and in cases where you are completely safe and isolated without FB, new possibilities open-up. It's close to impossible to control the flow of information between people. Hell, I am not on FB, and I still get tagged due to my friends being on FB. Even if you are not on it, there are still security breaches -- if you think of having multiple women in life, without having to be completely transparent.

3) It takes too much time: A DJ is supposedly busy saving the world, getting a new skill, improving himself, setting the world on fire. Reading chick-crack jokes or people-watching through a screen fundamentally is wrong and anti-game.

4) Not having it makes you stand out in a good way: In 2012, if you tell a woman (18-30) that you don't have FB, you are taking away a whole array of options from her to get to know you in a non-invasive fashion. This by itself is intriguing (as I have experienced many, many times) and it plays into the old adage of "Be Mysterious".

Overall, I can't see a single positive element (especially for men +30) to have Facebook; other than what Desdi is saying. But I think in Desdi's position, FB is not critical to have; if there's already a brigade of women waiting for him to be single.

Cheers,

BM

 

[betheman]

I agree with BM and Colossus, even though I have FB, it hardly gets used other than contacting friends and colleagues from the past or who live away

 

[sodbuster]

MEH, FB is just a way for me to keep up with my kids and some cousins... don't have prospective dates as friends. They only know what I tell them

 

[\O/]

I'm surprised by this thread. I'd never thought i'd see you make such a personal, emotional status, Des. I agree with Samspade that facebook is anti-game, although i can see how some people can use it to their advantage.

I just think you should never show anyone you emotional condition on facebook. My facebook is completely neutral. I never show feelings. I can sometimes post happy statuses, but it's always neutral in relation to my feelings.

I'm surprised because you told me to remove my ex from facebook during no contact, even though there are complex issues involved. I did what you said and deleted her. It was tough, but probably the right move. I think your status is too much information, even though your closest will understand your humor or sarcasm. That's great, but i still think it's too personal and emotional. You would never see Don Corleone post that on his facebook