Snowball effect

[mrRuckus]

I'm not good at writing this sort of thing but I was talking about this tonight with one of my female friends tonight after some sh1t went down with her and her bf and she wants to dump him. So i started writing it like i often do for myself to an imaginary audience to organize my thoughts on it. I was wondering what you guys might think of this situation and what to do with it.


______

Time and time again I witness a certain dynamic in my and other's relationships.

I don't mean to be vague here, but it could be any number of things so we'll just assume that "something happens" will be known as X. X is likely a first offense that isn't so bad that you should walk immediately out, but it's still kinda unacceptable. Ugh I can't explain things for crap.

Partner 1 of the relationship will be P1. Partner 2 will be P2.


1. P1 does X
2. P2 reacts negatively, perhaps withdraws and pays less attention because the other doesn't deserve super treatment at the moment for their transgressions.
3. The "magic" starts to fade at least in the eyes of one of them because they're not treating each other the same as before when everything was clicking.
4. P1 or P2 or both decide to bail because they completely ignore this dynamic instead of correcting it


It's my belief that the feelings and such are still there beneath the surface, but the two of you are just askew at the moment. P2 feels slighted by P1's actions and reacts. P1 feels slighted by P2's action or inaction in response to what they did. This is mistaken for "I just don't feel it" and someone breaks up with the other. Almost like a weird reaction to a takeaway. Instead of chasing they figure things are screwed between them because the other person isn't pouring out the usual happiness to them for a few weeks so they decide it's time to quit since things are "broken."

It's the immature response. I don't mean immature as acting like a kid, but immature as in inexperienced.


Step 2 confuses me, though. What is the proper reaction? You can't just let certain things slide without a reaction or it sets up the fact that it's okay to do certain things that it's really not. But if you react a certain way for lack of a better word with "punishment" to make sure P1 knows that it's not okay then steps 3 and 4 occur. It looks to me like you are screwed either way.


________

Is this sort of a misapplication of a takeaway? Should a takeaway be a quick over and done with thing or can it last weeks?


Sorry this is so vague. It's just something i've seen happen to both me and others in the past.

 

[decades]

why are you using hypothetical abstractions? tell us in specifics, what happened. we don't know these people.

 

[Nelford]

Just tell us what happen Bro

 

[mrRuckus]

Because it is a common formula i see again and again and the specifics are irrelevant.

 

[Alexander the Great]

Ruckus,

I don't know much to say about this right now, other than that I feel there's a just view in what you wrote. Very just.

I've experienced a situation that you describe only once in a real serious manner, and it went more or less exactly according to the outlines you give. I feel I was P1. And it was P2 who decided to bail after sufficient reinforcement of what you describe in step 3.

Inmature is what you term the response. I tend to agree on that. And while I feel that P2 is the most inmature in this situation, personally as P1, I also felt inmature, because I allowed myself to respond inmaturely in return to P2.

Of course, I've only really experienced this once. It's not proof for your concept at all. But I do hear and read and know about other people, and often what happened is what you describe.

Is it really inmature? I don't know actually. Others might say that you found out the incompatibility and that either P1 or P2 saved themselves and the other from more hurt and unhappiness.

On the other hand, I've personally always felt that mature people, even if they're completely different individuals, can always overcome their differences and conflicts. To me, the world is thus made up of people who are at different phases of that maturity scale.

I don't know. In my situation, there was a lot of compatibility. A lot. So much, that I felt that losing this person was something unthinkable. That of course adversely affected me in the sense that there was perhaps too great a level of need with me. Which is never comfortable for anyone, no matter how mature they are.

On the other hand, I felt that if P2 in this case had had more matured skills at dealing with people, themself and in communication, the whole situation could have been avoided and stopped at step 3. It could have been resolved.

I tend to think of that as maturity: where people step over themselves and not only look to themselves, but the other as well. In essence: when people stop being selfish and self-centered without supplicating. When people are truly assertive.

Maybe what you describe is an unexpected but fortunate weeding process that weeds out people who are inmature (inexperienced). Sad and frustrating as those situations may feel.

In psychology there's this concept that's called "responding from your inner child". I feel that people who are P2 in your outline do that. That's what's meant with inmature I believe.

To answer your question:

Step 2 confuses me, though. What is the proper reaction? You can't just let certain things slide without a reaction or it sets up the fact that it's okay to do certain things that it's really not. But if you react a certain way for lack of a better word with "punishment" to make sure P1 knows that it's not okay then steps 3 and 4 occur. It looks to me like you are screwed either way.

Assuming you're P1, I feel that there's nothing you can do to avoid a situation from rolling all the way unto step 4, where things break up, if you're dealing with an inmature P2. Fighting it, trying to make it right, trying to resolve it, only worsens it. At least, that's what happened in my situation.

I think if P1 bails, (s)he just had other options. If P2 bails, it's either because their boundaries were crossed before P1's were, or P1 was more needy and clingy than P2. Either way, there's a level of inmaturity (or inexperience) involved with both, but it depends on the situation and the people involved.

The common expression that people will use to explain this dynamic would be that the person who walked just wasn't that into the one who didn't. ("He/she just wasn't that into you.") Still, I feel it's rather inmature and childish even, if a relationship of any sort comes to end in a fashion like this. But maybe I'm just too much into the "Even stevens and being amicable"-camp.